NCW: I'm going to try and insert my comments between the quotes below.
As stated in a previous message:
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from onlywords 3) Do you find your husband's opinion of you matters less because of familiarity, or more because he has invested so much of his heart in you?
Hmmm...before the affair or after it?
Before the affair, I wasn't really even sure anymore what his opinion of me was. I found myself thinking that he didn't care because he spent so little time with me and I was always at the bottom of his "to-do" list. It seemed to me that all he cared about was if he got sex. That was the only time I got his undivided attention, and even THAT was always when he was done with everything else for the day. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure myself what my opinion of her was. Things were so...hard to pin down...but maybe erratic is the word I'm looking for. One day fine, next day she is depressed. One day supper is great, next day I'm working and then the next few days its just something out of the freezer, just slapped together. (I hate that.) True about the ToDo list, though I never wrote "sex" on it. If I was in the mood, I'd rub her back and hope to get lucky. Sometimes I did, most times not. The sad part is that it was just sex then. There was no love, very little sharing. It seemed like she just appeased me, get in, get out and clean up. Sad but true. My goal was to be able to retire from my job in 6 years. Then I could just become a gentlemen farmer:) THAT WAS ALL I WAS FOCUSED ON (to the detriment of my M, my W, AND my kids). I don't know if I figured that I could put it all back together when I retired or what. It was very selfish thinking on my part. My oldest daughter just now seems to be 'warming' up to me. I was distant to her as well. It's sad that it takes something like this to wake a person up, but true.
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from ncwalker Very interested to hear HIS side of that. RAP also feels that all I care about is if I get sex. I don’t. But I also understand that I may be projecting something on to her that I am just not seeing. A man has a physical NEED for sex. Biological. A man ALSO has an EMOTIONAL need for sex – our expression of intimacy. At least in me. I can set aside the EMOTIONAL need for her if it is too much pressure. The PHYSICAL need I can’t. So sometimes I don’t sleep well if that is not satisfied. Sometimes I am cranky because of it. It is really two DIFFERENT needs satisfied the same way. I think that’s why it is so powerful. A man can “satisfy” the PHYSICAL by himself. But not the EMOTIONAL. He needs his wife to do that. I think that when she is not, he is FORCED to take care of the PHYSICAL need so that he can make it through the day. It can get to the point of not being able to concentrate if you go too long. But when they are not met together, a great disparity arises and feelings of resentment get stronger. I read somewhere that women think that men are angry when they masturbate. Is that true? Do you gals think that? Most of the time I think I feel hurt and disappointed that I have to. I always wish it were with my wife. Maybe because I have only been with her. Wow. This is now really straying from the original topic. Maybe I should start a thread on this subject. Probably ought to cruise the EN section first.
Did he REALLY feel that way or was the fact that you were not meeting his needs as much as he liked SEEM to make it bigger in your mind? I mean did you understand it was something you SHOULD be doing and when he wanted it, it made is SEEM like that was all he wanted because of some feelings of guilt? Did he REALLY only give you his undivided attention then, or was the tension of the EN magnifying how it all appeared? Sometimes I think that is what goes on with me and RAP. She says ALWAYS because of the tension around the subject. And I feel indignant because I know that is not true. But I can see how from her side it would FEEL that way because of the tension. It kind of magnifies everything. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too had many of the above thoughts. But about the emotional and physical side of sex, I was so focused on my goals that the fact we did not have an emotional side alluded me. I didn't even see it was missing. (That's the side I have terribly missed once the A was brought to the light of day.) We have a few times that have been absolutely beautifil since dday, but we've had to work at it. The strange thing for me has been that I hardly able to satisfy the physical side by myself. (The focus or satisfaction is gone or something.)
I imagine that ow felt that anytime I touched her or she touched me that I instantly wanted it. True, it seemed like I hardly ever did, but the rare times we touched would bring out that desire. I think the only time I ever got all I wanted (or at least as much as I wanted was the first year we were married).
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from onlywords AFTER the affair, I saw that he could have left, but he didn't. There were times when I wondered if it was only to avoid becoming a "public spectacle" - but you know, he's not the kind of guy who cares much what anyone else thinks. He has a LOT of confidence in himself. So, I realized that if he was only staying to "save face", then he wouldn't also be here trying so damn hard to work through this! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could have left but didn't. It took some time, but I came to the realization she made a mistake. We're only human. Plus, I'm not perfect and she has put up with a lot from me.
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from ncwalker That EXACT thing has been troubling me and RAP. We have only been with each other, but we did not do things the “right” way. Stupid. Our oldest DS is 13 and we have been married 13 years. His b-day is 6 mos after the anniversary. I did love her. I wanted to marry her. I hoped she wanted to marry me too. But that has always in the back of mind. Did we REALLY? Or did we just do the right thing because of the circumstances. It has bothered me that RAP has never really known that she was my choice and would have been regardless.
One night after the A a really positive thing to me came out of this. Spiritually, I had every right to leave. Emotionally I had every reason. And I CHOSE to stay. As poor as the circumstances are, I guess I feel like I got another chance to SHOW RAP that she WAS my CHOICE. I told her this one night, but she was falling asleep on the couch. Don’t know if it sank in, or has any meaning to her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a positive thing. Take your time and work it out. We know you can.
Take care,
Rich
