^

Plan A advice, just fulfill those needs of his, and I would spend more time in 'their' studio. Help him, be his assistant now, that's probably what endears him about her, she is involved in his work. Cut out the LB's, be calm, calm, calm. And keep snooping. When they go out of town next you'll get the report from the PI, I would search the house, perhaps with DD's help (she would know where he keeps things), he has to have mementos of their A hanging around...

Then confront him when you have a preponderous of evidence. Up to you what happens next, she should get fired...point blank, it is just as much her fault as his, she knew the risk. If he refuses, time for him to find another studio space, you can't be expected to have them work together in the marital home.

Then keep up Plan A. There may come a time when Plan B will be necessary. Prepare for this. He should move out, and work somewhere else. Get your ducks in a row now in preparation for this.

I started spending more time in the studio a few years ago, making an effort to be more involved. Lately it's tough going out there when the OW is around. But I'll keep trying -- got to ignore the knot in my stomach. A friend suggested that I ask her if there's something between them, but I don't know if that's a good idea. Right now I have to avoid sending up any more red flags.

Just have to share what he said last night...he was totally serious, trying to reassure me of his feelings and said "You're in the top half-dozen of people I care about." Imagine that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Turns out I'm neck and neck with his brother at #4-#5 who he speaks with about 1x a month. He seriously thought I'd find that reassuring! Is that bizarre???

At least OW wasn't mentioned in the top 3.

haywire

Then confront him when you have a preponderous of evidence.

I know your mind is racing right now. And all of the BS's on these boards can indentify with what you are going through. What is amazing, and what you should be commended for is your "calm", at least in your posts.

Keep that calm, and stay steady and patient. Your efforts will be rewarded. Do this by the book, Surviving an Affair, and you will make far fewer mistakes than those of us who DIDN'T find MB until after confrontations, LoveBusters, and a host of other non-productive events.

Get the evidence. When you have it, and when you confront, it is likely to sear through your WH's brain like a bullet. He will be faced with so many emotions, he won't be able to cope with it.

You will be "there" for him, without LB's, and he will begin to see the "light". Make sure you understand how to confront, between the book and other posters here. As hard as it will be to do, it must be done with LOVE. Shaking a packet of photos, or letters in his face in anger is counter productive.

So take your time, get your evidence, and you will NOT have to wait 120 days to get OM out of your house, your business and your life. Your adult daughter should be a great asset for you, someone to be another set of eyes, and someone to help you accumulate evidence. However, make sure she understands that her DAD is NOT a BAD person, just a person who made a BAD DECISION. This will be difficult for her, and only you can decide how involved she should be. You are acting out of LOVE for your WH, not out of vengence or hate.

Keep reading, posting, learning, and the kind folks here will help you through this.

Stay strong!

SD

SD, as always thanks so much for your wise words.

You're right my mind is racing. I'm debating whether or not to wander into the studio early tomorrow morning. If the timing is right there's a good chance I'll see the proof there and then. But I probably won't do it because if the timing is wrong it will just alert them. Patience! I do feel pretty calm...much calmer than I was. Seeing now with my eyes open, at least there's some explanation for his disinterest in me, mood swings, antagonism, etc. It finally makes sense in warped way.

I see a change in our daughter too. She seems more relaxed and open. This has probably been weighing on her for a long time. She knows I'm aware of it now and there's an end (or at least a change) in sight. You're so right SD, she needs to know that he's not a bad person, but made a BAD decision. Thanks for the reminder. Happily she was #1 on his list.

She actually confronted him and he denied having an affair...defended the OW. He must be so conflicted. It's going to be a rough road.

This is so hard. I'm really struggling. I know they're having a PA. Have seen evidence on his underclothes. Have heard words on the recorder. But still no proof. The PI turned up nothing so far.

He treats me like crap. I think he really hates me. And I think this has been going on for years. He stays because it's comfortable. He likes living here. In the meantime he tolerated me, and now that I'm aware, he despises me.

I'm having a very hard time. Can't work, don't want to be home, don't want to go anywhere. I'm sure they're having sex at my home. I'm about half-way through SAA but I think this situation is worse than what's in the book. I'm meeting with an IC on Monday. I hope it helps because I'm starting to worry about my ability to keep it together.

haywire

I know you are having a rough time right now. Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster. The most important thing you can do now is get with your IC and see if you can get on some anti-D medication, to help you stay steady and strong.

I know this sounds ludicrus (sp?), but try to find a bit of emotional detachment from all of this, like its a dream, or a (bad) movie. You need to think with your head, and not with your heart.

You have SAA. That's a great start. Read and fully understand Plan A. It's a difficult plan, but it will work if it's done well. Doing it well requires strength and resolve.

Understand LoveBusters, and eliminate them TOTALLY from your interactions with your Husband.

If the A has become a PA and it's been going on for a while, this is going to take some time. One thing we BS's (betrayed spouses) do, is try to rush the process. It will not be rushed. These things seem to have their own time schedule.

So take a deep breath, continue your search for evidence that will "stand up in court" to blow this affair out of the water. Then read the excerpts in SAA about exposure, and how to do it.

Continue to post here on the forum, and you'll get lots of help along the way. These forums have been the life-line to many who are in this journey. It can be a part of yours, as well.

Stay strong

SD

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

^^bump for haywire^^

PS to previous post...

haywire, remember to process his ill-mannered behaviour right now as his attempt to provoke you into Love Busters, which enables him to displace his guilt into anger towards you, thus, in his foggy, alien abducted brain, the affair becomes YOUR fault.

Don't buy into it. Kill him with kindness. Pummell him with cotton balls, but don't Love Bust, and don't say ANYTHING derogitory about the OW. It will backfire on you.

Let us know how you are doing.

SD

:::He treats me like crap. I think he really hates me. And I think this has been going on for years. He stays because it's comfortable. He likes living here. In the meantime he tolerated me, and now that I'm aware, he despises me.

But haywire, you're in the top half dozen of the people he cares about!!!! That was a terrible thing to say - and no doubt he thought he was being soooooooo nice to you - a little pat on the head.

With the situation, if the marriage fails, how complex is the business and home arrangments for you both to sort out? Won't it be a big mess for him to have to find a new business premises? And I presume you have a very nice home that he will hate leaving. Sometimes men are prepared to give up an A if all the material trappings of the M are too much to let go of. I've known a couple of M where that happened.

Had you thought of getting some advice from a divorce lawyer as to how the split up would work out for you. How well you would fare financially? I have a friend who did that on the advice of her sisters, who were convinced her H is having an A. It's good to know where you stand.

thinking of you
an

SD

LOL "Pummell him with cotton balls"!!! I thought back to those words tonight when he was pulling out all the stops trying to get me to LB. But I stayed calm and didn't fall for it despite what I felt like inside. "try to find a bit of emotional detachment from all of this, like its a dream, or a (bad) movie"...OK,I can do that -- I did that during childbirth...

Tomorrow we're supposed to visit friends at their vacation house for an overnight trip. I expect he's trying to draw me into a big fight so he can back out...He figures I'll go alone and he can stay home with more freedom for the A.


anyname

Yep, top half-dozen, how about that? I felt SO much better after hearing that.
Business and home arrangements are VERY complex. Yes it could cause him to give up the A rather than leave the homestead, but I expect he'll only be willing to give up the appearance of the A. He'd have to take huge steps to convince me that the A is truly over. He already refused to see a MC. I can't imagine he'd follow the MB method.

I haven't spoken with a D lawyer yet, but today I got 4 references. I need a very good one and it's going to be a strain on me financially, just for the retainer. Our home was my parents'. It's where I grew up. When we were married we lived in an apartment on the property and raised our daughter here. Now she lives in the apartment. After my parents died I took out mortgages to buy out my sister and to pay my parents' mortgage. The mortgages are in my name but I put H's name on the deed a few years ago. ARRRRGGGGH. I thought we were partners for life.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: haywire ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by haywire:
<strong> SD

LOL "Pummell him with cotton balls"!!! I thought back to those words tonight when he was pulling out all the stops trying to get me to LB. But I stayed calm and didn't fall for it despite what I felt like inside. "try to find a bit of emotional detachment from all of this, like its a dream, or a (bad) movie"... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have good instincts for this,haywire. This is a very common trick that we see all the time here. The WS will bait the BS into a fight in order to get out of doing something or to justify the affair. But when you don't fall for it, you ruin their plans as you have already figured out!

Anything new on the snooping front?

OMG, I just had the most startling revelation. It's so OFF TOPIC, so please forgive me! Whenever I see someone aged 50+ I automatically think they are "old." IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT I AM THE SAME AGE! lol! I am 47 years old, sheesh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ok, back to your regularly scheduled program! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

p.s. based on this recent reality check, I no longer thing of 50 as OLD!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

MelodyLane,

Still no proof, but the PI lent me a tiny battery-powered camera which will be in the studio tomorrow morning.

LOL MelodyLane, my 50th b-day was just a few days before all this started -- like you I always thought of 50 as being so OLD. One day you're 40-something and the next day you're FIFTY.

Good deal, haywire.

...and when you turn 50, it doesn't seem "quite" that old !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

SD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shattered dreams:
<strong> ...and when you turn 50, it doesn't seem "quite" that old !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

SD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...and it's better than the alternative!

The camera didn't show much...although it showed that the 2 of them spent a LONG time in a room that was just out of sight of the camera. Next time it'll be aimed in that direction.

Noticed a change in H's attitude this AM. He seems to be trying to be nice. Make's Plan A a little easier (for the moment).

haywire

We are pulling for you! You sound strong today, and that is good. Has SAA given you some insight into what shortcomings you might have had in the months/years preceding? Those are the things you will need to address, to change or improve upon, while you are in Plan A.

But it is NOT YOUR FAULT the A took place. You are only responsible for your part in a marriage that MAY have become vulnerable to an A. So assume only the responsibility for the things that you may have played a part in, but not for your H's bad decision.

We look forward to your discovery process, and helping you in this journey.

SD

^^bump for haywire^^