I am an old member with a familiar story! I have three boys and WH is a DR...enough of that...

We have been doing fairly well after three attempts at recovery but OW would always find a way to get to WH and he would crumble. WH ended it with OW 10 days ago and has not had any contact with her. She paged him several times this weekend, but he did not return her calls.

Now she is informing him she is pregnant! Something she said COULD NOT happen.

I told him over and over again that was just a line! He never used protection with her!

After he told me this morning...I dropped the phone..literally and it hung up. I haven't stoped crying. He called me back and told me to calm down that everything will be fine. He said HE WAS NOT leaving me.

I told him that OW got what she wanted...which was him and now his baby!

Now what am I supposed to do!

" He called me back and told me to calm down that everything will be fine. He said HE WAS NOT leaving me. "

Dad's leaving you or staying with you is no longer the point when there is a possible OC....

The focus changes RIGHT AWAY!


Go to pregnancy board and start a thread asking for help from Lynne. She can help you protect your three boys with her seasoned no-nonsense advice. If you want things lined up to protect your boys.... ask Lynne for assistance.

Do this even if you are not sure yet there is an OC.

This suddenly becomes a matter of protecting your boys .... irregardless of issues involving saving your marriage.

There are 2 items s on the table now.

# one.... can this M be saved?
# two ... how to protect the boys if there is an OC?

These issues MUST be separate in your mind because they must be approached individually.....

Understand?

Go seek Lynne's advice.

Pep

adding this .... I think she goes by LynnG or LynneG

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi..i know who you are and I'm so sorry to hear that you are going to have to go through this now. She sure was/is a determined OW...if she was after his 'status' as some suggested, she has now found a way to do that without actually 'winning' him.

I have no advice for you except to think long and hard about what this all means for you and your family...WH has managed to screw this up royally and has now dug himself in even deeper by not protecting himself (and You)...he's a Dr. and didn't think about an unwanted pregnancy?..What about STD's?????
well at least he now knows that she used him and set him up for this...if she lied about not being able to get pregnant, you can bet she planned this...so sorry....i hope you get some better advice/support soon, i just didn't want you to sit there without any response, i can tell you're wigging out....stay calm as possible and let us know how it's going...

sorry, double post

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

Hi..i know who you are and I'm so sorry to hear that you are going to have to go through this now. She sure was/is a determined OW...if she was after his 'status' as some suggested, she has now found a way to do that without actually 'winning' him.

I have no advice for you except to think long and hard about what this all means for you and your family...WH has managed to screw this up royally and has now dug himself in even deeper by not protecting himself (and You)...he's a Dr. and didn't think about an unwanted pregnancy?..well at least he now knows that she used him and set him up for this...if she lied about not being able to get pregnant, you can bet she planned this...so sorry....i hope you get some better advice/support soon, i just didn't want you to sit there without any response, i can tell you're wigging out....stay calm as possible and let us know how it's going...

My dear PAF,

Sorry to hear this news/threat. The Ws is in hot water now.

Having been there with an OW who is a nut, I reccomend that you ask your H for medical proof. He is a Dr., he knows how to do that.

Also check for the rights in your state about an OC and their rights. I am asking that you deal with this and find out your legal stance immediately.

In our case the OW tried to get $$ for prenatal care then ask for child care WITHOUT ever giving proof she was prego. Imagine that! I had already checked out the OC rights with the family court system and realized that I would have to put that child on my medical coverage at work since I was the only one carrying the family's medical. YUCK!!! But I also learned that did not have to pay $.01 until she proved it and prenatal care c/b paid later after the child's birth.

Be prepared. Is there a chance the OW is using this as a tool to keep a connection with the WS? Why is the WS singing a different tune? Guys and their zippers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You'd think the last few episodes would have scared him. Guess our horror stories weren't enough or he was too foggy the last time we met, 'eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well, we will work and give you support from this point forward. Listen to Pep, go to the child/preg board. They have a strong support group. They sure helped me those 3xs the PBR nut cried prego. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If you need to talk, let me know. My addy: mborchid2@yahoo.com If your H needs to talk, I can see if mine is avaliable. ok?

take care,
L.

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

PAF, I am so incredibly sorry! I haven't been able to make it over to the other site enough to know the current state in your life. Your H has been such a fool! Sorry, I know that doesn't help you any, but I had to get my anger out over this.

Hopefully she is giving him a line of BULL****! Either way, you have been through hell, and everything that was advised to you above you need to do for you now. My prayers are with you, and just know that I care about you and your boys. CV

Hi, I am from the pregnancy board and please come over and post. There is a lot of support and good advice over there. Lynn G is very hard lined and opposed to M w/ contact w/ OC. However, there are others over there (Ktbunch, Niosgirl)that are making C work too. There are a lot of us that are new to this and just finding our way. There are a couple of BH's that are very insightful and helpful as well.

There is more than one way to deal with this and no need for you to decide what to do right now.
This is a very difficult situation to be in and I feel so bad that you are going through this now.
There is always a possibility she won't have it or it's not your H's. I know they may be slim but you never know.

You said that your H and you are doing very well after 3 attempts at reconciling, which sounds like H and me. We are actually doing better than we ever have in the past. I am not saying that it's easy or that he has done everything I wanted but it's better and I feel much more confident than ever before.

Please join us. My prayers are with you.

Well I saw this one coming. I think she is pregnant (but he needs to verify). I would let him worry about this big mess. His little "fling" is now going to cost your family a couple hundred thousand. She trapped him. I feel sorry for the child.

I would go on with my merry life, and let him stew. You gave him many chances, he is going to have to repair the marriage and face the consequences of his poor decisions.

Originally posted by LuvMyFamily:
" Lynn G is very hard lined and opposed to M w/ contact w/ OC. "

Luv, I am NOT discussing the issue of contact or no contact with OC.... as you well know. Way too premature for that discussion.

This is my first concern:

There is a very real threat of future financial loss for her 3 sons .... and THAT needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.... and THAT is what Lynn G does best. She outlines the legal issues of protecting the family's children FIRST.

If there is an OC and the OW files for support.... that support supercedes the 3 boys' needs unless Mom of 3 gets her sons' needs arranged first. ....

The issue of NC with OC is moot right now. There is no OC until one is born and paternity is established.

Pep

I'm with you Believer on this one! PAF's H was too cheap to give up the job in the NH. Now he will have to face child support, and if PAF wants out, allimony. It would have been a heck of a lot cheaper giving up the conniving OW, staying with the couragious PAF, and working on the M. I am sooooo pissed. Sorry! Sometimes all the tragic stories on here as infidelity ravages so many lives just gets to me. Now along with PAF and her boys, an innocent child has to be born into dysfunction. OK, I'll shut up now. I'm not being helpful. Sorry PAF! CV

PAF~

I've followed your story from nearly day one, in both places. I've often wanted to reach out to you, and warn you of this possibility. It just seemed like the classic scenario for an OC. I knew there wasn't much you could do to prevent it though. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Please come over to the P/C board. You will find a lot of help over there from women who have been in your shoes. As Pepperband suggested, LynnG is tops at helping you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, when you may want to wither away in your bed instead.

First thing Lynn would probably advise, is to get yourself to a lawyer, YESTERDAY. You need to protect yourself, and your children as far as child support goes.

ow may very well be P, but the child is NOT your H's, until DNA proves his paternity. Which means, he should not pay her one red cent, until paternity is established.

Another thing to keep in mind, is NC is still possible. There's no reason H has to have contact with her during the P. Afterward if baby proves to be his, and IF the two of you choose to have contact with the baby, contact w/ ow CAN be nearly avoided...it's doable.

Get yourself to an attorney, and again...remember, baby is NOT H's till DNA says so.

Warmest regards,

~ad

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

I forgot to mention...you should also try to get on the Private P/C board. Click where it says submit request to Tempest. I believe you fit all the criteria. You may feel safer there, plus there are many oldies who only post there. They can give you a ton of guidance.

PAF,

You are eventually going to have to start listening to people that can help you...or at least set you on the path where you need to be.

I feel that you have not followed one bit of advice that people have offered to you, here or on the other board either.

You are continuously shooting yourself in the foot with your "loose cannon" behavior.

I know that some people might post and tell me that now is not the time to bring that up...but I happen to think that now IS the time to bring it up. Get yourself together and listen to the wise words of the people trying to help you.

Do not get into your typical "winging it" mentality. It has NOT served you well so far.

JMHO
committed

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice! WH is in another FOG altoghether now! I dont know what is going to happen! I am having surgery on Thursday as well!

Many have suggested having OW get an HCG test...This very well could be a big LIE on her part.

WH doesn't talk to OW for 10 days..all the sudden she says she is preggo. I dont know. I will head over to the Preg Board. But first I am going to call some lawyers! Thanks so much for the support. Guess I realy need it now!

PAF: I too have followed your story on both sites. I usually lurk but had to post here to tell you I know exactly how you are feeling. When I found out OW was PG I cried all day when H was working but was very calm when he was around...in fact, it was the only time during whole ordeal that I behaved the right way. First, Pep was absolutely right...you need to get finances set up for your family. Also, H. needs to be tested for STDs...unfortunately we are dealing with an incurable STD on top of all the other mess.

When H. told me about OW being Pg, I said, "fine, tell her to call ME from hospital and we'll get paternity established. As I am sure you know, a pg OW is shocking but not really...it was the first thing I thought of (that and STDs and we have both!!) If possible, you should tell her this yourself...H. should have NC with OW especially now. We figured once baby came that H. would be involved..after all, OW was in no shape to raise a kid...but I didn't want child living with us. H. made it clear to OW that I would be the only one she would have contact with EVER. I would pick up and drop off kid, contact her, etc.

H. knew I might not be in the marriage by the time that baby was born but to OW we looked like a united team. I think this is important.

Once OW figured out she would be raising a baby alone she had an abortion...she made the decision herself, w/out prodding from us so I can't let myself feel guilty about it...

Hope this helps...just stay calm when in presence of H. and take care of your kids. The rest is out of your hands. In my case, I figured the baby could be anybody's since OW had quite a history. You cannot be sure whose baby this is. Don't decide anything yet about the future of your marriage. By the second trimester, you'll have had time to digest things and will know whether you want to stay in marriage with an OC after tests. OW needn't know your feelings at all..she never cared about them anyway. Good luck to you.

PB,

I was just trying to give her the lay of the land. Who has done what and that there are many ways to approach this subject. I see nothing wrong with letting her know the approach that different people take.

Yes, the first thing she needs to do is speak with an atty. Things are not as simple as people put them and an atty. will lay out what happens/can happen in her State.

I also feel that she should probably do is find someone to talk to, a professional or someone in her church. I found this to be very helpful.

PAF,

Good advice here. Please do post to LynneG on P/C. Yes, she is hard-lined but only because she believes a family does not have to accept contact with an OC and some people find that hard. But she can also give you plenty of good advice on establishing legal protection for your children right away and, as Pep says, this is entirely different than saving your marriage. They are two different things altogether.

I'll talk to you soon.

~ Snow

Well, here is the update! WH saw OW...she said she is having the baby...oh BIG SURPRISE! WH made it clear to her he is staying with his family. OW said that she will have this baby with or without him and she was crying....

crying maybe because he wont up and leave his family....I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to be with his family...I said his family with ME or his NEW family...he said with ME!

Spoke with lawyer. The ONLY thing WH has to do is pay her child support! which is approx 14.75% of his NET income. as far as visitation...it is standard. every other weekend...one night/ week. 2 weeks in the summer!