healedheart...

In theory anytime either party resorts to name calling and yelling...any effective type of communicating or problem solving breaks totally down...

did you do that...
yeah...
should we flogg you....
nahh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

everyone falls of the plan a wagon...
e v e r y o n e

and in all honestly...you reacted exactly how anyone would being called names over something like this....

I think that if you have done a good plan a since august...that it may well be time for plan b...

others and I have had different opinions on this...I prefer plan B to follow a good plan A encounter..so that the last interaction they are left with is a good one....

on the other hand plan B right after an incident like you had also can set a really clear boundary that you are completely done with this chaos and will not have it in your life anymore....

are you going to have an intermediary for the children? for contact....

the time may vewry well be at hand for plan b...

write your letter...let others see it here..

ark

dear ark-

I don't even know if there will be a good plan a incident. When he came home that night he started in on me again. Stating that he never loved me and he wished we had never got married. He had and has plenty of other women in his life, that are better than me, that he can talk to and be with. (If you read my story in " I just found out", he has had multiple A. brownhair believes he is a serial cheater and I am beginning to believe her.) And that was just the beginning of his rant. I didn't even respond to him. I just laid in our bed with the covers over my head and cried. So now we are not even speaking and I think that this incident has about drained my love bank to its last dregs. I don't think I even want to save this marriage anymore. I can't see him being any different or changing in anyway that would be remotely acceptable, because he doesn't want to change he likes himself just the way he is.

Ark

To answer your questions concerning the children. I don't have one yet. Not that he is even that involved in their lives. He practically never sees them. I really don't think he cares. Like I said before. I raise our kids, he llives his life single and carefree.

But the whole issue will be "who is the one to leave?" The house is just in his name so he definitely says he is not leaving the house. So it would have to be me and the children. And right now that is not financially possible for me. So I am stuck in this miserable situation for the time being.

bump

you must seek legal counsel first....

talk to them about the financial situation..

you need to get your ducks lined up...

there is some thing very cruel about a person who says such things about another human being...and I pity him and his insane lashing out...saying such hateful things...that truly only reflect back his own capability of cruelness to others....

you need to seek information first...
can you go to your parents
a relative...

does you employer have an employee assistance program...
what about church counsel...

ARk

I was thinking of going to our pastor and telling him about the A and that WH has made no effort to break it off. I know this will lead to another outburst from WH who thinks I am treating him like a child by telling people about the A. The only people I have told are the OW parents. Everybody else knows whats going on because they have been going around together for the past year and people see them. We live in a big small city if you know what I mean? WH and OW are acting like ostriches with their heads in the sand, like no one see them. Its so crazy. I don't know if MC will even help at this point and I know he won't go to individual counseling.

I was reading Dr. Phil's site today and he had a whole show on infidelity. I know his A is not my fault, but I have to take responsibilty for the fact that I have not set any boundries on how he treats and talks to me. I have allowed it to happen and not done anything, so now he feels its okay and he can continue to do those things and I won't leave and life will go on. I haven't demanded respect so he doesn't feel he has to give it.

so are giving plan b some serious serious thoughts....

you have to also decide why you don't set boundaries...
and how you are going to start...

you have to have a plan...the moment foul words come out of his you leave...
leave the room
leave the house if you have to..
every single time...
if it mean packing up the kids and heading out so be it...

no argueing
no yelling
no powerstruggling....

no interaction...

say quietly and calmly..
I can not talk to someone who chooses to say such cruel things and get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

each and every time...
and you know what....when you set boundaries....
he will hate it..


the thing is with the name calling...
it's familiar territory for you and him..
it is infact comfortable...
because it play out the same each time...

he says cruel things...
you cave....

all communication done
all focus on him gone...

don't stay one more second for it...

you should consider writing your plan b letter soon....

remove yourself from the focus....

ARK

ok I am ready to start plan b. but I need help with the letter. I know that there are posts on here somewhere on how to begin. Or is there a sample plan b letter in SAA? Advice?

Bumping 'cause this thread should always be up on page one.

<<<<<BUMP>>>>>

bumping for confused5

sorry for the repeatitivess... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ark

bumping up for FARSK
from AR K

I have been thinking about plan a ...

and it's not for the weak hearted...nor is it for anyone that wants an instant gain or return...

maybe plan a should be viewed sometimes as a negotiator....like the kind used when some wacko is holed up in his apartment...with a lighter in one hand and a can of gas in the other...

the negotiators bigger goal...no matter what the topic..is to keep the line of communication open...

the pay off or goal during this time is not the wackos (insert alien vision here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )surrender..though that is the end goal...the negotiators bigger goal is to keep contact...and conversation flowing...some meaningful..but I bet a lot of it's not....

a lot of a conversation between a wacko and negotiator....probably doesnt make much sense..and most likely is not very honest....and probably is a lot of babble...of things that can't be changed...but the negotiator's job is NOT to react
NOT to powerstuggle
NOT to win a point arguement or even care if the wacko likes him or her...

the goal is keep the line of communication open...

plan a is all about that sometimes...
fluff fluff..while inside you are dying to talk to your rational spouse....

but when you force that issue...the WS withdraws...and just starts threatening to flick the bic....and blow it all up...

view every interaction with your WS while in plan a...as a goal of keeping communication open..
which doesn't mean you talk for hours...sometimes it all about short conversations...but always try to leave the WS thinking

ARK

^bump^

Thanks for bumping this up, Susan. This one was a real ey opener for me!

And most of all, thank you ark^^, where ever you are. God bless you!

^^^Bump for stungalong^^^

bump for all the plan a warriors or warriorwannabes!!!!!

ARK

I am so glad this thread gets bumped again! Reading it catalysed an epiphiny for me. I've been on the road to my own personal recovery ever since. The essence of Plan a was not described well enough for me in SAA. It is here and it is gentle and healing for the victims and independent of the behaviour of WSs.

How does a divorce in progress affect your plan a or b thinking?

great post - bumping this one.

Btw, can Plan A be affective even if you only see your spouse once or twice a week....or even every two weeks?