Oh No don't misunderstand me...lol
The shows she was throwing were for uprising or promising musician and vocalist.

http://www.takenbystorment.com

That's her website and she throws shows for perofmers who want to sing, and play instruments infront of a live audience. It gives them exposure and so forth.

It doesn't really matter what the purpose of the shows were. All I know is that you can't leave MY D alone until 1 or 2 oclock in the morning because now you want to enjoy a lifestyle of someone who's unmarried and without children.

She met this I guess good looking younger man during that time and formed a relationship. Even after our reconciliaton she maintained that relationship and the shows which were something she created during her ties with him. She didn't include me, and I didnt want to be included as I saw them as a wedge between our responsibllities as parents and a impedance to our relationship.

I hope that clarifies my former post. I was stuck in a bad place. On one hand I think a spouse should have freedoms and I don't want to "FORCE" her from being involved in activities that she derives joy and completeness from, but if I feel those activities detract from our relationship and make it difficult to maintain trust in a struggling marriage, then she should reconsider her choices. She isn't really financially benefiting from these shows, and I know that's not the main issue, but if its not a profitable business it's only a hobby and she should choose her H's happiness over a hobby, but then again what about her happiness. See how complex this issue is?

The OM is a vocalist and frequents these types of functions. The two of them have this in common and reading Harley's information I now realize how their relationship developed and when I suggested she write the "No Contact" letter I strongly feel she should include her ending of this "Entertainment Talent Promotor" as well.

Comments of suggestions for this huge mess would be greatly appreciated... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I see nothing wrong with your wife having outside interests, but she appears to have gone overboard.

Husbands and wives need some separate activities, as long as the marriage is honored.

As far as you being romantically involved, forget it. It is not fair to your marriage, or your friend. Either you are working on your marriage, or you are not.

According to what I read it is not healthy for spouses to have outside lives or endeavors that don't include the other spouse. There is a thing called too much trust which only facilitates A's.

I read on this site, for instance say I have a motorcycle and my wife doesn't. I spend most of my free time on my motorcycle associating with people whom share this common interest, meanwhile my S is somewhere else. Over time this will become a problem. Solution:

Either I buy her a motorcycle or I sell mine lol
I believe Marriages take that type of precedence...

1. Spouses should enjoy leisure activities together
2. Anyone you spend time with doing things you love to do will eventually create some form of EA with (opposite sex friends I mean_
3. Secrecy and separatism even for good reasons that fulfill you ONLY are for single people, activities or interest that both spouses enjoy are for M people.

I'm sorry Believer I disagree with you there, if my W hadn't had this outside interest, insisted on doing it alone against my wishes she never would have had this A. To have an affair you must have time and opportunity and even if your intentions aren't to have an A if your our all the time with single people its downright inevitable.

I do agree with you about the phone call I recieved today. I did what my W should have done when an ex lover contacted her, I told her No thank you and do not call.

I'm upset because either a S is committed or they are not and obviously since she couldn't say that to her ex, she wasn't committed.

sorry for the rant but I'm against outside activities that you need to do alone, that for single folks not married folks..and I'm upset she took advantage of my blind trust. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
You folks are the only ones I can rant to about how I feel, I can't dare bring this up to my W.

Thanks

<small>[ July 08, 2004, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

I hope I didn't come on too strong Believer its just that I blame myself in part for her A. I feel like I should have been more vigilant with raising objections to her outside hobby/interest.

Come to think of it, the OM is probably partly why she created the outside interest/hobby?

Hmm what do you think, time, opportunity and common interest.

Sorry for the rant earlier but I'll never put myself in that position. I'm not saying you cant go to the bathroom alone or shopping but if you have to attend all types of functions alone with people I dont know and its outside of your career..come on. That type of behavior is hard enough in "healthy marriages" is sure to be death to a "marriage in recovery".

FM -

You didn't go into the conversation you had with the exGF that called you. I'm hoping you instructed her not to call you again. I will also assume since you are on this site you seek to rebuild your marriage. If you continue to take phone calls or interact with the OW (and technically that's what she is) you will have not chance to reconcile with your W.

I read some of the things you are saying about how you feel and how hearing from this other woman added temptation to your situation and I wonder if you really want to save your M. I do understand that the temptation has to be great but at a time when you should be focused on saving your M you should not be trying to convince yourself to go back to this OW. That's exactly what you are doing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I dont know what to do. I have my W who has been lying to me and deceiving me for over a year and now I get a phone call from my ex girl friend who I severed ties with.
My wife is continually telling me to move on, that she's not worth my pain, all these typical withdrawal spirit crushing comments...and who calls me?
The one woman I didn't need to hear from, NOT NOW! I dont know if I'm stong enough to perserve. What would you do? You have a wife who's been lying to you, who you restructured your entire life to work thru your M with and she lied, decieved and betrayed your trust.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is exactly what you are doing in the above quote. You are giving in to what is the easiest path to take but will be by far the most destructive path for your children.

As far as the outsite activities...there's a line that has to be created for all couples. I do beleive it is extreme to say that you should have no activities outside of your S...but with children that could be extremely hard. This is where you have to bring in the POJA. For instance:

My H is into cycling, we have kids and can't do this together. So to compensate for this my H rides his bike to work (15 or 16 miles) this gives him time to ride his bike and we take more lesiurely rides together with the family. I play softball. My H comes to all my games except for the late late ones that my kids can't go to (these games are rare and most of the time I just don't play late games).

You have to come together and make an agreement on how you will handle these activities. Prior to my H's A he rode all the time...day and night and was away from us for long periods of time. I played softball 2 nights a week and he never ever went to any of my games. After the A we sat down and figured out how to improve and we also became workout partners. This is our alone time and we cherish it.

I think I've said too much. I'll shut up now.

YUP I totally agree about the phone call...I was feeling down at the time, being in Plan A is hard enough without temptations. So I took it as an oppportunity to show my commitment to my M. I told this OW in no uncertain terms not to call. Dont get me wrong she asked me to help me mover some furniture. This was not a booty call, but still I know from being here and reading that I should not have any contact with her. Done and done.

I thought about the situation for a while yesterday and I realized how easy it may have been for my WW to make a bad decision. My S may have gotten a innocent call and thought "Its not sexual why not, I can handle this?" but she didn't have the benefit or knowledge of the principles here on MB's or in Dr. Harley's work. Its real easy to get swept back in and wonder "Hey, how'd I get here".

I actually think this phone call put me back in perspective reminding me how very easy it is to fall into a EA when things in your relationship are difficult or at an influx. I've known my wife since we were 15 and 16 and this whole A thing is out of character for her. I'm gonna to shut up now, but I do believe her having this EA began as simply as mine could have yesterday. "Hello I dont want anything from you but could you help me, I'm in a bind, seriously all I need is XXXXXX". And before you know it you're off to the races.

Having an improper relationship may not always malicious or with full-intent, for some people it's from underestimating or should I say over-estimating their control over their emotions.

Take Care Everyone don't worry I have my head on straight this call just reminded me to stay on my toes it will not derail Plan A in fact its motivational. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />