</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says he still loves me, but can't think of one reason not to divorce me...At least he still loves me, even though I don't deserve it one bit. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LLG - Under no circumstances sign the separation papers. Agree to an "informal separation" if necessary, but not to a formal, legal, one.

Regarding his statement in the above quotation. He listed the ONE big reason to not divorce. He LOVES you.

Yes, he is in immense pain. I know. My wife was in a 6 year affair, had gotten her own appartment to satisfy our states requirement for a 12 month separation prior to granting a divorce, had the divorce papers all drawn up, did NOT confess to me...I found photographic proof of their affair. So I KNOW what is going through his mind right now.

What you need is TIME. Do nothing that gives and immediate, irrational, reactive reason to end your marriage. I could list, but won't, all the emotions and thoughts racing through your husband's mind. Suffice it to say that this early following discovery is an insane time. He is NOT thinking clearly, he is "reacting."

Now, going back to his statement above, let me give you another "reason" for not divorcing that may be "on his mind." He believes in commitment and promises. HE promised to love you and care for you for "until death do you part." HE promised to be commmitted in marriage to you for the rest of his life, "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse."

That this is the "worst of times" is a statement only other Betrayed Spouses who love their Wayward Spouse can truly understand.

So what can you do? Be remorseful, open, honest, steadfast in your sorrow and in wanting his forgiveness and the opportunity to prove to him that you love him and have learned the biggest lesson of your life.

His trust is gone. His self-esteem is totalled. His actions and statements regarding separation and divorce are a way to grasp at ways of restoring his self-esteem, but they are false. Divorce will not solve that problem. ONLY facing the problem and doing the hard and difficult task to overcome the issues and problems will restore that which has been lost.

YOU need to understand that you cannot afford to be secretive or lieing anymore. He WILL interpret those actions as "proof" that you cannot be trusted and that he can "love you from afar, but not while married to a liar and cheat."

Yes, it hurts to think those things, but these are some of the consequences of adultery.

Remember, too, that not all marriages survive a choice by one of the spouses to engage in adultery. It is the ONE reason that even Jesus Christ gives as a valid reason to break the covenant of marriage through divorce. It IS that big of a nuclear bomb to the Betrayed Spouse.

I won't even go into the "mental movies" that I know are playing in your husband's mind. But let me ask you to imagine him rolling around in the sack, thoroughly enjoying himself, with one of YOUR closest friends. Perhaps you'll get an idea of the depth of pain and revulsion that he is trying to sort out in his mind.

I saw no mention of God, yet. So let me ask you bluntly, are you and your husband Christians? This is a tremendously important question and your answer will determine many things.

Dear LostNLonelyGirl,

I am going to work now, so this is all I have time to write; PLEASE STOP WRITING THAT YOU DESERVE PAYBACK!!! I am tired of reading that phrase, because it is NOT true.

I am the BS in my now ended marriage, and I do not think that my ex deserves payback, and neither do you. I cannot think of a situation where someone would deserve payback.

Did Christ give us the 'payback' we deserved? NO! None of deserved His mercy, yet we got it. You should NEVER think that you deserve to be hurt by your H, because you hurt him. Please keep in mind his feelings and always treat him with kindness, as he should treat you with kindness.

Just please stop with the "I deserve the bad things that ought to come to me now", because it just is not true.

I will pray a decade of the Rosary for you today during work, in the hope that your H will treat you with the kindness and respect that you deserve as his wife.


God Bless you,
George Bailey

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: George Bailey ]</small>

Well said George...
Hurting your S because they hurt you is very immature and pointless, not to mention a relationship should be about protecting one another from pain not inflicting pain for any reason.

You H maybe hurt, disappointed, angry and shocked but you are still his W and somewhere in there underneath all of his angst is love. Hang in there and its probable beneath the rubble of your bad actions he might re-discover why he married you in the first place; love.

Good luck friend

Thank you all for your replies. I know I don't deserve payback...it's just the terrible remorse I feel. All his hurting was caused me. I was supposed to honor my vows as his wife. My vows ring through my head continuously. It is torture. I know I have to forgive myself, but it is extreemly difficult, so I do know it will be even harder for my husband to forgive me. Yes, we are both Christians. We met at church, and working in children's ministries through out our dating. The first years of our marriage were on fire because we were still on fire. Then, we stopped going to church, and our faith slowly died. As we walked away from God...our marriage started to fall apart. He was the rock that held us together, and we let that slip. We both have agreed that our lack of faith in the recent years has contributed to many of our relationship issues.

By the grace of God, and only by the grace of God, I know my husband will someday forgive me. He knows what it means to love unconditionally, he is just too hurt to move forward yet. I will stay steadfast in my commitment to my husband. I am commited to giving him the wife he deserves. He does not want to be divorced, he loves being married, family is everything to both of us. I strongly feel he just needs time, time to heal, and see all the changes that are going on within me. Thank you for you words of wisdom.

LLG,
Please look at my most recent post to Boss.

I think you should strongly consider the advice there. Here at MB we talk about depression and ADs but it's usually in terms of the BS due to all of the post discovery feelings of self-worth etc. Occassionally it's discussed min terms of the FWS.

Your thought?

cwmac

Forgot the link. Do!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029927;p=1#000003

cwmac

LNLG,

I have been "out of the net" for awhile, so you dont know me. Just Learning helped shepherd me back during my wife's affair. You can go back to June 2002 and see my posts over the last two years.

I assume your husband is military. But since he is the BS, that doesnt matter. He is living in Virginia...I also live in Virginia. And God Bless the Commonwealth of Virginia for the laws it has on marriage, divorce, adultery, etc. You will see why I say this in a minute.

First off, your BS can file in Virginia...and if he wants a divorce, this would be the best place. Why? Well, as you stated, it is a fault state. Thus, since you committed adultery, he can get his divorce in the next three months before he leaves. The second thing is that since there was adultery, he doesnt have to pay you alimony. It is in the law that adultery is grounds for alimony to be denied. I know you said that didnt matter, but as I tell you this, you must put yourself in your husband's shoes. JL has been trying to do that with you, and he has also been trying to get you to look at yourself and the "whys" of all of this. Please listen to him because your marriage depends on it.

Back to your husband. As someone said above, the only grounds for divorce according to God is adultery (marital unfaithfulness). God granted this exception because it IS the nuclear bomb of a marriage!!! I have lived it and I am STILL struggling 2 years later with the memories and the betrayal. Still find myself every once in awhile checking my wife's stuff for clues of new betrayal. Mind you, not that often now...but it is still there.

As was said above, I never had to worry about my wife "watching my back" before this. Now I wonder if she will ever get that level of trust again. Now, it is almost like the Reagan axiom Trust, but verifiy." I am still early into recovery (just over a year), so we will see.

But your husband is at square one. Some have suggested that the reason that he is running to the courthouse is that he might have been dallying himself. Maybe. But I think JL has a better insight into this. I think, as he said, that he looked at what you brought to him, which wasnt much over the last few years...and then the pain of betrayal, and made a decision that this just wasnt worth it. I believe he is mistaken, because as God says in Malachi...He hates divorce. All divorce!! But right now, his world is not what he thought it was...and he is scrambling to get his footing.

Now, his family has interceded. They love you, and are shocked. As shocked as he is. Now they look at you, pictures of you at Christams or other times together with them and wonder "who is this person? How did we...and our son...get so fooled by her?" Whether this is fair to you or not is not the point. As JL has tried to show you, the reality of the situation is they dont trust you...and they shouldnt right now.

Unfortunately when you set off a nuclear bomb, it makes a huge mess. And it will take awhile to clean up. All your husband sees, and his family sees is a huge Nagasaki wasteland. What they dont see yet is Nagasaki 20 years later.

So, they are hurt and betrayed. Your husband has been without you for quite sometime...even before the A. And now, since he has seen a lawyer in Virginia, he knows that he can protect himself in Virginia. He can walk away intact in his financial areas...and there really isnt much you can do about that.

So, now that I have thoroughly depressed you...what is my point? Am I just being mean? Nope. I am trying to make you see that you are focusing on the wrong things. You see, if he wants a divorce in the next three months, and get the no alimony thing and all the rest of the stuff that Virginia provides, there really isnt anything you can do about it. So, get off of that. You are wasting your time and energy on something that has already been decided (unless you can prove he also has been in an affair).

So, where DO you concentrate? First off, it must be the Lord. Remember, He also is in this marriage. Two dont marry...three marry. Trust Him to get through to your husband. It isnt your responsibility to get thru to him.

In the Bible, it says that wives should respect their husbands, that they should submit to the "headship" the husbands have over their marriage and their family. It also goes on to say that husbands MUST love their wives as Christ loves us. Now, what kind of love is that? If it is Christ's love, then it is sacrificial...we husbands must die for our wives.

Now, I could have a conversation or two with your husband...and maybe I will get that chance. But let's focus on you a minute. You said you are a Christian. Christ has said you must respect your husband. That you must submit to him. And before the feminists go crazy here, a brief note...submission isnt doing anything he says. You arent a slave. It is submitting to his authority as head of the family...because that authority comes from God. It is to understand that God holds your husband responsible for this marriage, for his family...and for the upbringing of your children when you have them. He does hold you somewhat responsible. But the buck stops at your husband. Which is another reason why your husband must question whether or not to have children with you because he will want a Godly mother for those children and he must feel RIGHT NOW that you are not that person. Again, I am not SLAMMING you...just trying to get you to understand the reality of where you are right now.

So you must be doing these two things. Notice it doesnt say that you must love your husband. It just says RESPECT and SUBMIT. By your admission, you were doing neither. Before the A, and definitely during it. So, how do you get back on track in your current situation.

First off, the separation papers. There is no such thing as legal separation in Virginia. By the law, you can commit adultery while separated from your spouse. Virginia views you as either married or unmarried (by the way...so does God). What a separation agreement does is usually just a property settlement, financial settlement, and custody settlement of the children before the divorce becomes final. Your husband wants these things (and his family is pushing for them) because you are not to be trusted (that is their feeling right now) and he must protect himself. He is WRONG!! He should be following Christ. But that is where he is at right now. So, what to do about this "propert settlement?"

Dunno. It is upto you. Will nto signing it stop the divorce? Nope. He can have this divorce in the three months he has left. Could you fight the divorce, and try to gain some property (not alimony, because that isnt even in the cards for you now)? Sure. But I imagine if he sent you a property agreement, you already know what he wants. If that is acceptable to you (what he has in there), then why not sign it? If you dont like it, then dont sign it.

Will your husband be mad if you dont sign it? Sure he will. His parents and others will try to make it out that you are just trying to CYA, and protect yourself. But if you sign it, then they will take it as you really wanted out anyway. So, damned if you do, damned if you dont.

So, my answer to the property agreement is that if it is acceptable to you, and you think it is fair, then sign. if not, then wait until the divorce hearings and fight for what you believe is yours.

So, with that little bit of work out of the way...what should you be concentrating on? You should first be trying to answer those questions JL posed. Why should he come back to you? What do you offer him? Sure, he could come back in obedience to Christ. But guess what? Christ gave him a way out, and He can take it. He is right either way he goes.

So, what is it that he has to look forward to with you? What do you offer him? Do you know his top ENs? Did you meet them? Will you meet them? Will you be a Christian wife and allow him to be a Christian husband (notice also, God did not say that you could abdicate your responsiblities as wife just because he abdicates his as husband...and vice versa)?

Once you answer all these questions, nd you can prove to yourself that you are someone that will bring something to his live...then you must fight for your marriage. God said you two are one flesh. You still are. Even after adultery. You are one. Even 3000 miles a part. When you slept with the OM, did you know that your husband was in that bed with you? That is why the betrayal in a marriage is much more damaging than if you were just dating, and you betrayed him. You are one flesh...one person. Just as God is God, but also three distinctive parts. So, understand that he is still your husband...and you have EVERY right to be his wife, to act as his wife...and to pursue this marriage, until he divorces you for adultery.

But my bet is that he wont do it. He is hurt and scared now. If you Plan A him, if you show him that you are the wife you were created to be for him, I doubt he walks away from that. But it will take TIME!! it will take someone getting thru to him outside of his family. His fmily is well meaning, but they are not in this marriage. You, your BS...and Jesus are in it. That is where you should focus. And that is where he needs to get. Then, he and Jesus can decide what to do. And once that happens, I can guaranteee you that this discussion of separation papers, etc will go away.

So, do as others said above. Write him letters. Send emails. Call him. Light talk. Make him know who you are...his wife. His flesh. Get him here, so we can talk to him. I would love to talk to him personally even. Get him to your pastor. Or Steve Harley.

You can make no demands now. He is entirely in control, especially since he is in Virginia. But, as I see it, you really have no right to make any demands. Not yet.

Give him respect, submit to him, show him who you are. Trust will be the last thing to come back...I know!! So, dont worry about him trusting you right now. Just be trustworthy, be his wife...meet his needs.

Let God do the rest. I know He is big enough to do so. The question is...do you?

In His arms.

Mortarman,
You have no idea how right you are! Of all the replies I have recieved so far yours has to be one of the most heart felt. Thank you. I really am thankful. I have alot of work to do, and I commited to doing it. The support here has been vital to my changing perspective on this situation.

I understand where my husband is now more than ever, and I now know where I need to be in order for him to see "one reason not to divorce me".

Yes, Virginia is the best place he can be if he wants to divorce me, but I really don't think he wants to do that...he is searching for that "one reason", so I will have to show him. It is going to be the fight of a lifetime, but I will not let go, he is still my husband!

A military question...Yes, he is in the military, which leads me to a few factors of the situation. My husband lives in a barracks with 250 guys, mostly young un-married. These are his brothers...he has been with them the past 6 months, he has suffered with them, they would die for him...you know the brotherhood.

The advice he is getting from them is not in favor of saving our marriage as you can assume, they are his family, and they are protecting him. Thus it seems he has nobody helping him see any alternative other than divorce. Help!

I need to get him here, but he isn't really into sharing his feelings, etc. He is a hard military man, at least on the outside, especially now.

Another military question is...It is not a matter of if we will deploy in the future, it is a matter of when. He has told me that this is a great concern of his...he will continue to be away alot in the future, how can he trust me while he is gone? It is a legitimate worry I know.

I know all of this is really trivial. I do know God is in control, and his will will prevail. He has blessed my husband and I continuously in so many ways. I have no doubt he will continue to do so. He is at work in my husbands heart, and my own as we speak. I will be patient, and do the work that needs to be done in my own heart.

Thank you so much! You have no idea, really, thank you. I hope someday my husband does get to speak with you. I'm guessing you are a military man, he could relate to you in so many ways, you are a blessing! Thank you

cwmac,
You are right on in that response to Boss...I read it and I was amazed!!! No, I am currently not taking my meds, but I know I need to...here are my experiences with depression: I had a severe case 10 years ago, it lasted 2 years. I was never medicated, I came through it by my faith in God, and non-stop church related activites...I voluntered non-stop...thus meeting my husband at my church! Bliss for the first 2 years we were together. Depression re-surfaced after our first year of marriage, right before he depolyed the second time, husband said he couldn't take it anymore and called my Doctor himself...Hello Prozac! Yep, I spent three years taking it, and it was great...my depression was managable for the first time ever. Somewhere along the way I felt I didn't need it anymore and stopped taking it, we had also stopped going to church (another huge mistake), my husbands brother commited suicide, times became tough, my husband and I were both depressed. It was not long after that my affair began...this is no excuse, but it did cure my depression for a time being...but when the affair ended it was worse, far worse that it had ever been before. I went back to the doctor...tried Prozac again, but it didn't work this time. Also tied Paxil and Wellbutrin, neither of them worked either. So yes, I am on a mission to find something that does work. I do not believe medication is always the answer, but I can only speak from my own experiences...It can be a lifesaver, and I am currently working on that issue. Thank you!

I just moved, and got a list of Psych's here from my insurance...it is difficult to chose one...who's name sounds the best? That is all I can do I guess...Know of any good Dr's in the OC?

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: lostnlonelygirl ]</small>

LLG,
You may want to post this same story or a summary on Boss' thread. She's a FWW and needs to hear from women whether FWW or Bs.

cwmac

What insurance are you on? I can call the psych that works with my IC/MC. Not sure if he's even on a plan. He's a well known psych that specializes in brain pharmacology.

The cost is $300 for the first session. This is where he gives the first evaluation. Then he needs follow ups to monitor the progress or lack therof. Follow ups are $150.

To me that is alot of money but doable. I decided that my health and marriage were my top priority.

If that's not within your economices I'd be willing to call him and ask about other arrangements.

cwmac

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Thanks, but I think I will try my insurance...Tricare (military), it is great since it is all free! IC/MC, meds, etc. Can't beat that!!! I have learned to play the game now as far as my insurance goes, I get what I need eventually. I have been on meds so long, I can tell what works and what doesn't, so I feel pretty good about speaking with doctors. It is my heath, my marriage, I have to be proactive here.

I meet with my new IC/MC tomorrow, so I'll let you know how that goes. If I like her, I may ask her about the list of Dr.'s. I am no stranger to depression, I know what it's like to be managing it, I know what I have to do to get there.

Oh yeah, I also have a major family history of depression. Interesting. I feel comfortable talking about it now, but for years I felt ashamed...I don't anymore. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's nothing you can help, so you deal with it anyway possible, meds are not a crutch, they are a lifeline.

LLG,
One more comment about the meds and then I'll lay off.

When I first learned of the PA part of the A on DDay2. I first went to my MD who is a General Practioner for ADs. As is true with most GP on HMOs, I spent about 15 minutes with a nurse prationer. The MD perscribed Lexapro. They didn't schedule a follow up appointment.

I eventually went off bc I didn't think they were working. Eventually I found the psych I referenced.

He said that most MDs are not good a analyzing depression and are especially poor at follwing up. Follow up is critical to make sure the meds are the correct perscription. Also going on meds can in the short run possibly increas the chance of suicide in severe cases.

In my case the perscription just needed some tweaking.

The point is....try and see a psych vs a MD.

Talk to your Dad about whether any of this could be used against you in divorce proceedings. Don't think so but...

Mac

Hey...no problem. I am military...or actually recently retired Army. I have been in your husband's shoes. As a military man, a Christian, and a BS...I KNOW where he is at.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A military question...Yes, he is in the military, which leads me to a few factors of the situation. My husband lives in a barracks with 250 guys, mostly young un-married. These are his brothers...he has been with them the past 6 months, he has suffered with them, they would die for him...you know the brotherhood.

The advice he is getting from them is not in favor of saving our marriage as you can assume, they are his family, and they are protecting him. Thus it seems he has nobody helping him see any alternative other than divorce. Help! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you are right about one thing...we in the military look out for our own. And in a realm where honor, discipline and integrity are not just words, but instead are a way of life...infidelity strikes hard. That is why it is against the law in the military. But, what did I say above? Sure, they are his brothers now. BUT YOU ARE HIS WIFE!! They shed blood together. YOU ARE ONE FLESH...YOU SHARE THE SAME BLOOD!! They might lie next to him one day in the same military cemetery. YOU WILL LIE NEXT TO HIM, SHARING THE SAME HEADSTONE.

Do you get my drift here? No matter what you have done, you are still his wife. You are still one flesh with him. You are still family. I like this little plaque I saw a few weeks ago in someone's bathroom. It says "I am smiling because I am your sister, and laughing because there isnt anything you can do about it." We could all learn from this. As far as God is concerned, you are one flesh...and no man or woman can change that. Only death (physical or spiritual) can change that. If you are interested, I can go further into how that works...but suffice it to say that right now...you are his wife and there isnt anything anyone can do about that!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need to get him here, but he isn't really into sharing his feelings, etc. He is a hard military man, at least on the outside, especially now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So am I. I am an infantry first sergeant. And anyone that knows anything about the military knows that first sergeants are the meanest, most ornery SOBs on the face of the planet. If you are interested, I will talk to him via email. I can talk to him in a way you cant. As a Christian brother, as a fellow military man, as a first sergeant...and as a BS. He doesnt even have to share...just listen for awhile. You see, you are right to be worried there. All of the influences around him say to kick you to the curb. He cant even hear Christ thru all of that noise. Something, or someone, will have to break thru. Ultimately, you will have to do that along with others.

So, I will offer this. I will email him directly if you want. My email address is Mortar29@yahoo.com . If you email me, and give me his email address, I want you to do something else also. There MUST be a third person in the email that is in the "Send To" portion of the email. Why? Because I am a married man, and you are a married woman...and private conversations should never happen. Make your husband the third one on there. Copy what I have written here, and send it to him, letting him know that you are giving me his email address so I can "talk" to him via email. If he objects, then dont do it. Then be the go-between between us, sending my emails to him.

Whatever it takes. But I will tell you this...that 3 month timeline is causing him to move fast. He is afraid he wont get another chance if you turn out not to be genuine. And he has his family and his brothers in arms standing beside him pushing him. So, you MUST break through that. How? Well, I dont know how you do it but California aint the place to be right now...Virginia is. You need to be there for him, to be there to break thru the noise. The "hows" are what you need to work out. But trying to do this 3000 miles apart, with a timeline ticking for him, isnt going to help. Time for you to go save your marriage...and to ultimately go save your husband from a HUGE mistake.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another military question is...It is not a matter of if we will deploy in the future, it is a matter of when. He has told me that this is a great concern of his...he will continue to be away alot in the future, how can he trust me while he is gone? It is a legitimate worry I know.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The short answer is YES. This is the main reason I retired. My unit leaves tomorrow for Afganistan. All MY men are headed into harms way, and I wont be there. And you have no idea hoe bad I feel everyday that I am not there with them. BUT...they all understood. Many of my peers came up to me and said "You have to take care of blood first." My first responsibility is to Christ. The second is to my wife. The third is to my children. My country, my men, and everything else come a distant fourth. I knew, as fragile as our recovery was (and is still), that deployments were out of the question right now...and might be forever. I had a responsibility to my wife and my family. So, with a saddened heart, I left. But I have never questioned that decision.

So, what is the answer for your husband? I dont know. Funny thing about one of your subsequent posts is that my wife has battled depression most of her life. So, there might be a link there to what you two have done. Dunno. But your husband has got to be made aware of where he is at, and what his choices are. And what the consequences are.

A good military man MUST weigh all intel, work out in his head what the COAs (Courses of Action) are...and what consequences are for each of those courses. Then, he must weigh the cost, versus the benefits. And then make a decision. That is how we are trained...that is how we think.

Your husband isnt getting all of the "intel." He is about to make decisions without knowing everything he could...thus he cant possbily understand the decisions he is making and what costs are about to be incurred by him.

If you were in Iraq right now, and you had vital info that the generals didnt have...and you knew that if they had it, that they would make a different decision...what would you do??? You would do EVERYTHING within your power to get that info to those generals, right?

So, the answer to your dilemna is right here. You must find something, or someone to get thru to your husband...to open the lines of communication.

Only you know your husband and your current situation. We would need more info to be able to help you more in this area. But the overall situation is that the truth is that your marriage is repairable. That your husband will be better off with a fixed marriage, then with a divorce. But, he needs all of the intel.

How does he know who you are? That the A is over? That you love him, that you want to be that perfect wife for him? How does he know these things? Sure, phonecalls and emails will help. But, in the end...it always comes out in the eyes. He will have to see it in your eyes. He will have to feel it in your touch. He will have to learn to trust you thru daily being able to see your trustworthiness. He cant see that now. Thus, it is easier for him to just bail out then trust in something he can neither see, nor touch...nor feel.

So, tell me...how are you going to get the intel to him?

In His arms.

<small>[ July 11, 2004, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Once again, thank you mortarman, you are right on!
Just had to let you know I talked to my husband earlier, and it was positive! Baby steps. He was nice, said he loves me, doesn't hate me, etc. The big issue he has is TRUST!!! Being in the military and leaving me for months at a time he says he has to be able to trust me 120%, if not, he cannot be married to me anymore. How do I rebuild that trust??? This is going to be my big obstacle.

It would be much easier without 3,000 miles between us, but he has made it clear he does not want me in Virginia right now! He does work long hours, and is in the field all the time, but I think his buddies have something to do with this too, what would they think?

As of now my husband isn't even open to thinking about working on the marriage. He is concerned with my happiness. He wants me to work on myself, not our marriage. He is right, but the major reason I'm unhappy now is the fact that he is actively trying to divorce me! Yes, that is not all, but it sure is right now. He says I have to figure out what makes me happy...He does! The dreams we share, the family we both want in the future. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself first amd foremost, but I can't let my marriage slip away in the meantime. He thinks it's him! He thinks he doesn't make me happy, not it is not him, it's me. S he is right to a point, but I don't want another man, that is for sure, he doesn't get...He is the ONLY man I want to be with. He does make me happy. I'm talking in circles now, so I will stop.

The TRUST issue is the one I need to work on, and need to do it fast. Any suggestions?

How do I get him the intel?

His precious papers...what do I do about those?

Thanks for everything, things are getting better slowly, but better none the less! Thanks!

cwmac,
You are right about the meds...it has been a long time since I saw a psych, I was just getting them from my regular doctor. She was like Dr. Feelgood, she would give me anything I asked for, but it didn't work. That is why this time I am going directly to the psych, the regular doctors just don't get it. I just got lucky when I first started taking Prozac 6 years ago it worked like a dream, no tweaking needed, which is rare. Then a year or so ago, I took it again. This time it did nothing for me, so I know I need a specialist to help me get it right. Thanks!

LLG,

You really don't see why I asked you those questions do you?

Let me illustrate with your own words.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says I have to figure out what makes me happy...He does!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This statement is clearly NOT TRUE. The OM made you happy, in bed and out. So stop lying about this. It will only drive your H further away.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The dreams we share, the family we both want in the future. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself first amd foremost, but I can't let my marriage slip away in the meantime. He thinks it's him! He thinks he doesn't make me happy, not it is not him, it's me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are missing the point. If it is not him, and you DID have a choice and your chose OM. You only chose your H AFTER he found out. Remember you and OM started back up when he was leaving for Iraq, which suggests you only really miss men( OM, your H when they are leaving you). It may not be true but the data points that way. So there has to be something more than these hollow words, that clearly were NOT true when in the A. And YES it was him. Clearly he was NOT being a husband that you felt deserved your faithfulness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> S he is right to a point, but I don't want another man, that is for sure, he doesn't get...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you don't get it. You wanted another man in the past, and he fears you will want another man in the future. Right now you are just panicked losing him. But he fears that if he has to leave again, your depression, your desire for another man will come back. Unless something changes in you, he has no reason to believe otherwise.

What has to change??? How you view yourself, how you view marriage and how you view your H. Hence my questions to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is the ONLY man I want to be with. He does make me happy. I'm talking in circles now, so I will stop. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That would be RIGHT NOW and that means nothing for the future. Something needs to change to give him any hope for a future with you. What is it going to be? It cannot be your words that he is the ONLY man. You made that promise years ago before family, friends and God, and that promise did NOT hold. Something has to change LLG, and in my opinion it has to be your perspective on what it means to be married, what your and your H's obligations are to one another, your views on your religion, and finally understand what YOU want out of a marriage.

He may be right, you are NOT the right woman for him. You need to make that decision yourself and it needs to be made examining why you had he affair, what you got out of it with OM, what you were not getting, and what you are likely not to get from your H in the future.

Finally, I think you need to stop and realize what MM was telling you. If you don't want to sign, don't do it, but acknowledge to your H that you don't need to sign anything for him to walk away.

And before you get on your high horse about what HE may owe you, let me ask you who paid for your education? Who is paying for your graduate school? You said you did not work, but clearly at the age you married you went to college and now graduate school while married to him. I am guessing he gave as good as he got. You are too young to be worrying about some of this. But, ask your lawyer family, they will tell you how best to take him out financially.

MM is right he only has one window, and unless you can come up with compelling reasons why you should remain married to him (besides you want to) he would be foolish to not file and get this done.

Do your homework LLG, figure out why he would be better off with you than without. Figure out what is different now than it was before when you entered your A. Understand how you justified making the decisions you did, and then acknowledge them to your H. He needs to see you are doing more than running your mouth about how he is the ONLY man for you, when clearly that is NOT true.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning and Mortarman,
You guys are both such a blessing...I really mean it, thank you for you thougts and support. I am reading every word of it, but the soul searching is going to take awhile. You are both right on with everything you say, scarry actually. No, just God at work through men! Thank you. You guys have helped me more in just a few posts than my last IC did in 8 months. You ask the right questions...questions I stuggle to answer, yet I know they are vital to my situation. Questions I must answer before I move forward. I am listening, just not fully digesting, but I will stick with it. Thank You!

Just Learning,

I just went back and read all of your previous posts...Whoa...I see all the homework I need to complete before I can expect to go anywhere...

"Little Miss 4.0" (A nickname my husband gave me for being relentless in my educational pursuits)...will get right on that...All the essential questions have been asked, now I must get busy. Thank you. Keep it coming!

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 03:44 AM: Message edited by: lostnlonelygirl ]</small>

Mortarman,
I think you and my husband e-mailing could work, I will talk to him about it soon. He knows he needs to talk to somebody who gets it. We talked about IC tonight, but with his insane schedule, it is difficult...So e-mail may just be the answer. Besides, I'm sre he could relate to you better than to the counselor, for many obvious reasons. He went to see a counselor once, the day after the bomd exploded, but thats all. He agreed that his pain won't go away when the divorce is final (if it's final). So...

Like I said, I will need to talk it over with him first, and it may take awhile for him to warm up to the idea...but he is one huge teddy bear undernearth the guns and ammo, and I know he doesn't want a divorce, he just can't see why he should stay, and I don't blame him. I have not been the wife he has needed me to be, but I can be...I will be! Thank you for helping save my marriage when you have your own to repair too!

P.S. I see how Just Learning helped you get through your wife's affair...He blows my mind! Wow is all I can say. Someday I know my husband will get the chance to read some of his wisdom too! We are blessed to have you both! Thanks