Jets - That is what they all say, right out of the WS handbook. (I've read here so much, I can almost predict their words and actions.)

So don't take it personally. Listen to Coach, and knewbetter. And check out Ark's posts on how to be fun in Plan A.

Jets,
Now hear this! I know you and your W think her affair is “an original” but it’s not! Honest! Sorry to say so but most of these sordid little interludes are all pretty much the same and follow the same path. And here’s what’s really sad. They all say the same things! Make the same excuses; cast the same blame at the BS! In fact if I have to hear or read about one more “soul mate” I am going to vomit! So what’s my point? All this nonsense about “emptiness, and hollow feelings” and whatever else she spouting is textbook stuff. It’s all foggy groggy talk. In fact, if your WW ever did some reading about what she’s going through, she would probably die from the embarrassment of being a walking cliché! Let’s be serious. What she did was cheat and in the end, there’s nothing romantic or exotic about it.

Of course this is hard for you. You’re so emotionally invested that she has you in a fog of your own. And the worst part is that you have nothing but good intentions. All you want to do is forgive her and love her and understand her, but guess what? This is one of those peculiar times in life where less is more. In fact, the less you say the better.

All you’re required to do right now is smile, listen and nod your head. No relationship talks! None! No discussions and certainly no arguing. Talking to her right now is like trying to relate to a 3 year old. All she knows right now is that she wants, she needs and she demands. Mean old you. You’ve literally taken candy from a baby!

So here’s what you can do to really help her and help yourself and the marriage. Be her friend! Don’t judge, argue or try to solve her problems for her. Just listen to her and let her trust you. Let her get accustomed to telling you how she feels with out fear of criticism or retribution. When you cry, cry alone and in private. Hurt alone and in private. To her, be the personification of quite strength and dignity. Hard to do? For sure! But it will work.

Coach

PS. Remember to spy, spy spy!

Oh yeah, forgot to give you the "spy" link! You'll like this one, sometimes feeling like you can be proactive helps ease the pain. Really interesting spy thread Some of this is a little dated but it gives you the general picture.

Just don't get so caught up in spying that you wreck your recovery b/c you get so tweaked out by what you hear! Stick to the FACTS, is there contact or not, that sort of thing. Don't worry about the niggly little details, it will do no good to dwell on them.

Remember, your wife is behaving par for the course. She is following WS "protocol" so to speak. Nothing new or unusual to anyone here, and the majority of WSs do make a turnaround. So take her behavior with a grain of salt, and try to be good to yourself. It's your recovery too Jets, not just her's or the marriage. I know firsthand that it's a really crappy time but it's not forever. Hang in there, ok? KB

Believer,Coach, and KB
thanks for the words of advise and encourgement.
I will heed to your advice and back off and just be that person to listen and be patience, not to take things personally. No angry outburst on my part, no disrespect or any other love busters.
Still, should i even call her every once in a while during the day to just say Hi and i am thinking about her or is that too much??
Rereading plan A and going to pick up Harley's book tonight Surviving an Affair. Is always necessary to go to plan B or possible to get things to recovery through plan A without ever having to go to plan B???
So far from what i read in this web site, fits my ww to a T.
Have tried to get to read site even before DD 7/11,but she doesn't appear to be to interested. I think she thinks it is alot of psycho-babble. Little does she know, she fits alot of the symtoms that are described here.
Will cont. to be spy, but not going to get too wrapped up into it. Gut meter doesn't seem to be going off at this time.
Thanks all for listening
Stay tuned.
Jets

Hey Jets, you sound a little better, good for you. You must have been doing your homework! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Knowledge is power and the more you have the better you'll feel. You said your wife fit the WS mold to a "T". Doesn't that make you feel sort of like you can watch her and know pretty much where she's at? Sort of funny, actually don't you think? As far as your question about whether it's always necessary to Plan B here is Harley's answer:

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Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.
*************************************************

Yes, it is absolutely possible to avoid Plan B depending on your wife's behavior. If she out and out refuses to cease contact or you find that contact continues despite denial, then Plan B is put into play. Don't worry about this ahead of time. Get Plan A down pat and continue to pay attention to that "gut meter".

The fact that you are aware of it at all is good, Jets. It will keep you from going over the edge on the spying thing. There is a point where spying simply becomes obsessive and creepy but in early recovery it's a good idea. After that the "gut meter" should serve you well alone. People who recover and are in tune with their spouses don't need to continue the espionage bit forever.

So Jets, keep studying, keep your chin up, keep posting. KB

Somewhat good news,
WW has come to this site and in hopes of getting some advice. I have been talking to her and trying to get her interest in this site. I also made her read first two chapters of SAA. I went out to walk the dog and came back found her crying in bed. She stated that she read the first two chapters. I said sounds pretty close to home,doesn't it. She agreed an appologies for doing all of this to me. For a first time in two weeks I actually saw my wife again. I encouraged her to cont. with this site. She stated that she will read but she doesn't think she will go back to the discussion forum. Apparently she read some of the replys and it looks like it somewhat jogged her out of this fog. I don't think she was expecting to get the answers she did.
She has admitted that maybe she is in sometype of withdawel for the OM and states that she can't stand feeling this way. I basically listend and empathizes. I was having a hang up on her trust and honesty and today feel like some of that is comming back. She is one who likes to go off alone on her own and think and do some soul searching. So it was a big step for me today but i let go of the distrust and counted on her openness. She has told me that OM has not contacted her in over a week and this is somewhat the reason why she is feeling so bad. That a lot of other emotional cocktail that she is feeling.
One thing that made me feel good was that before she went out on her own to think and ponder the situation. She actually let me put her wedding ring back on her hand. She has not worn that in mos. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Still sticking with plan A and just empathizing and listening trying not to get to touching with her as not to make her uncomfortable. This is a struggle for me though because i want to console her because of the pain she is going through. I must learn to be patiences.
Thanks all for listening and replying to WW wifes post. She will probably read this post if she conts. to lurk but i have nothing to hide. Everything i have written over last two weeks have come from my heart out of concern for our marriage and our family.
Thanks.
jets

jets -

Sounds like things are going very well for you. If your wife is interested, there are some former wayward women here posting. They are great! Have her check out posts by Broken Vessel, runaway pot, Chackler, KiwiJ.

You might want to read them too. It is painful to see what these women (and their husbands) are going through.

Thanks Believer for the response,
I will try and pass these on to her. Right now she is not sure she wants to go back to the discussion forum,d/t she is afraid i will read her post. I try to encourage her that you need to discuss with people that know what you are going through or have gone through it. Right now i see she is going through withdrawel big times. There are times when i see my wife and i long for that, then there are times when she disappears becomes depressed and still thinks about her future with the OM. I guess this is all part of the withdrawel process. She has adamently stated that she has had no contact with the om. Told me that is one of the reason why she feels so bad. I have to believe her and put my trust the best i can into this. It is a struggle for me though, probably will be for a long while. She is listed under Lonely Heart clbs. I promised her i would not read any of her posts and plan on keeping my word. Please help her get through these feelings. I will pass on about the other she should talk to. Is there anything about a private forum in here, that i could suggest to make her feel more comfortable?
Jets

Jets- They don't have a private forum on this board, although I wish they would.

But you can refer her to saveyourmarriagecentral, which does have a private board. And there are some great people there who can help her.

Maybe she will read the posts here, even if she doesn't post. I think it would help her to see how painful this is for others, and she is not alone.

Jets,
Glad things are settling down and that you’re WW is receptive to ideas and solutions. However, something in your post troubled me greatly. You reported that she was depressed because:

~“She has told me that OM has not contacted her in over a week and this is somewhat the reason why she is feeling so bad. That a lot of other emotional cocktail that she is feeling.”~

I just want to reiterate that NO CONTACT is the rule! That means for now and forever more!

If he were to call her and she were to respond, she must understand that this would be tantamount to her starting the affair all over again and for the most part, make recovery impossible for both of you. Jets, you have to tell her this in the most loving way possible! Anything less would be a farce! Just another lie! So please, be up front with her on this issue and be vigilant.
Coach

thanks, for the response all.
over the weekend i thought i was making progress until I looked up her last cell phone number and it was to the ship this om is on. earlier during sun. afternoon she stated she had to go and be by herself and think think through. WW has always been one to get out by herself to do this. of course gut meter was going off at full force.
Coach you where right as far as the depression.
i confronted her on the cell phone call and it was a major love buster d/t we had agreement to be open and honest, both of us at fault.
yesterday i was preparing to go to plan b. when i came home from work i had totally convince myself this was what she wanted. When actuallity it was just the opposite from her. i had never really given her a chance to explain what her thoughts where when she was by herself,love buster on my part. I was pretty angry in the fact that she still had made contact with this guy the night before. That afternoon i was ready to throw in the towel and she did not expect this and she was trying to tell me that she wanted to save this marriage, family and us. Stated that she thought more about this at her job, barely getting anything done at work. She accepts blame for screwing things up and adamently wants to save our marriage for us and the family. First time i have heard this. She was worried because she felt that i had already given up, i was close.
I had told her that she needs to completely cut herself off from Om states that she understands and she would. Suggested again a letter, but she states that she would now how to send it d/t living on a military vessel. I suggested to call him with me present,during conversation,she agreed. I am not sure about this. This is to take place this weekend d/t om out to sea again. Any suggestions? Maybe she could read the seperation letter to him over the cell, with me present.
I have told her this is it, 1 more strike and we go to plan B. She is well aware she is walking on thin ice with me right now, but again doesn't want to lose family, me, or life she has worked so hard for.
jets

You can find out how to send a letter to the ship. All the addresses are the same. I would not have her call him. Bad move. Find out today. The address should be the name and number of the ship, and then the FPO or APO number, and city. At least that's how it used to be.

Hang in there.

And you might want to right to him, and let him know that the next time he has contact and inteferes in your marriage, you will contact his superiors.

Jets,
No telephone call! Bad move to go there. BAD!!! Get the address and write the letter. Do it together and mail it together. And she simply has to lose his telephone number. Jet’s at this point she’s broken no contact once. If it were me, and it was me once, I would tell her that you need to have her V/M codes, e-mail codes etc. as well. No more secrets!

How about marriage counseling? Have you two decided yet? Counseling is a very good idea. You two need the help. This isn’t something that you should be trying deal with half hazardley.

Jets, you sound to be in a good place right now. Don’t be afraid to go forward. Don’t be afraid to create those marital boundaries for you BOTH! You have to have a little courage. If what she says to you is true and if you explain your feelings with no belligerence or anger then she will understand your fear and respect you more for taking the steps to make things right

Coach

Thanks for reponse believer and coach
I agree with you, have never like this idea of calling him on the cell. She had already done this in person 2 weeks ago when i was not present. It makes no sense to call him now to tell him the same thing. I will try to encourage her to write this letter instead of calling him. I will point out the fact that she already broke the original promise once, therefore the letter should be enough as well as eliminating any cell phone numbers that she is able to contact him. I know she will think this is going overboard, but plan on standing my ground. Hopefully if she is as serious about saving this marriage as i am and as she says she is, this shouldn't be a issue for her.
Big breakthrough yesterday though.
Will keep you updated.
Thanks,
jets

Sorry wanted to add to reply,
Coach yes we are in Marriage counseling, will be our 6 time since event was discovered.
Personally, at present, i am getting more for this site and Harley's books, but we agreed to still go.
Counselor aware of Harley's method, and approving of it.
Jets