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Edited by BV <small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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broken vessel - Hi. Good to see you again. I'm not JL but he wrote a great reply to a former WW. I will look for it.
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<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:35 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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broken vessel -
Here is his response to lostnlonely girl - she had an affair and her husband is filing for separation, but she wants husband back.
posted July 09, 2004 05:07 PM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LLG,
I would like you to think about a few things. Please don't take this as a harsh response but one to start you to focus on things perhaps in a different light. For the time being let's just remove the A from the equation and consider what you have told us. Then I have a few questions I want to ask.
You said quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My needs were not being met, but not because my husband wasn't...I wasn't letting him meet my needs. I built up a big wall, and the emotional disconnection grew... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So before the A you were shutting your H out of your life, right? You were obviously resenting something he was or was NOT doing. You may not realize it but he noticed at least I am sure he was aware that you were not responding to him. Probably had no idea what to do.
quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My husband had no clue...thus our mutual "friend" and my "confidant" became the OM. It is all so clear now that the fog has lifted. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, you removed yourself from your H's emotional life, and perhaps sexual life right?
quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One of the strains on our marriage was the fact that we both were too busy working toward building successful careers, while we forgot to nurture our marriage. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the career focus was being substituted by both of you for focus on your marriage.
quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We are both successful now, but our marriage is not! My husband just got a major promotion in January, that is what moved him accross the country, and I am in graduate school. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So you are in graduate school. You mentioned a career so I am assuming that you are working as well, right?
He has been gone for 7 months, and you had been in the A for at least 6 months before he left.
quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Change has been all around us, especially this past year. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To put it mildly, but it was happening before this as well.
Finally, he is ready to start a family and you are not. Understandable, you have a career, you are in graduate school which I presume means you want to push your career higher and further, you are almost 25 which is in my book YOUNG. And you are not ready to have children yet. Makes sense to me.
So consider all of this, let me ask you some very pointed questions for you to consider, because I think you will need to address them before you two can get back together.
My first question is why do you want to be married to him?
It seems to me that you have been doing just fine with him out of your life for a long time. You shut him out, you were focused on your career and that was fine. You are not ready for a family so you don't really need an H for that reason. Why do you want him in your life now, when you were removing him emotionally before, and his career had removed him physically almost 7 months ago?
My next question is what do you think he got out of the marriage to make him want to come back?
He was not getting emotional support or response from you. He wants a family now and you don't. What do you bring to his life that he doesn't have right now where he is? Frankly, I don't see much by your description. He did not have your love.
So once you have considered these things let's add the A to the mix.
It seems that not much was being added to his life without the A, so now he has to deal with the fact that he cannot trust you. That you found another man both physically and emotionally more compatible than he, if not just better.
Further, how will he know that this won't happen again, you see you will have a career as well as he, so you both will probably travel, and he must trust that you won't fall for another man.
He cannot count on you for support when things get tough.
Now I am asking you this NOT to discourage you, but for you to build up your resources. It seems to me right now he is thinking you bring nothing to his life. Oh! you have some memories, but what else? The "what else?" is what you need to provide. You need to find away to remind him that his life would be better with you than without you. Yet, if you sacrifice everything (your career, etc) he fears correctly that you will resent him. He should fear that, resentment ruins many marriages.
So as you think, as you begin to communicate with him, you need to be planting seeds, that you can nuture. These seeds need to be directed toward what you can and have brought to his life that was good. Those seeds must be fertilized with the knowledge of why you shut him out. Why you lied is obvious, it is what happened before the A that is crucial to understand.
You need to counter the very reasonable advice to just move on. What will make going through the pain of recovery worth it? Obviously the pain of divorce is no bargin. IT is also true that ANY woman he meets in the future may well cheat on him, the odds are scary as women now cheat at almost the same rate as men. There are no guarentees. But, he does know who he is dealing with in you. You do have a history. If you have learned where you failed, and how to address things in a better more open fashion with him, you can be his BEST choice for the future.
Sort of the "devil you know versus the one you don't".
But, there is one final thing you MUST consider. Why do you want to be married to him? You got along well shutting him out, you had no problem finding his replacement, and clearly something was wrong in the marriage. Of all of the things YOU need to do, it is to deeply and honestly look within yourself and decide if YOU really want him and why. You MUST understand this before all else. And frankly it cannot be just because you might lose him,or because of embarassment. There must be some deep reason for you to continue with him, because your actions clearly are not consistent with what you have said.
Does this make sense LLG? I hope so.
God Bless,
JL
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Message Edited by BV <small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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broken vessel - You can put his membership number in the search feature and read everything he has ever written. I don't think he would mind. He does have a wonderful way of getting to the issues.
Take care. Talk to you later.
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<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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broken vessel - Remember he "disappears" every once in awhile.
I love Joyce Meyers.
What is going on with you?
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<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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I think he may be off the boards on weekends.
Have you ever checked out saveyourmarriagecentral? They have a special board for people going through withdrawal. Also there are a lot of expert "marriage coaches" there.
Take care, still thinking and praying for you and the others.
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<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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Hi BV What's up? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I am generally busy on the weekends with family things which is why I am not around. I am also working on a few projects right now that must be done by the end of July so I will be a little flakey, so please for give me.
So what can I help you with? I did post to you on one of your other threads. I few comments about you assuming your H is happy about this because he has chosen to love you. He is not happy, but he knows what he has to do and he is doing it. That is the essence of the LOVE that you promise to always do when you marry. You promise to use love as a verb, something you do to your spouse whether you feel like it or not.
Anyway, what is on your mind? Still trying to control your thinking? Stop it. What you need to do is "focus" your thinking, that is completely different, than controling it.
I look forward to hearing from you this week.
God Bless,
JL
PS: You could be my D if I had had one at 18. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You are young. Don't forget that. Heck when I was your age I was a year away from being a father for the last time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Now we are discussing where he will go to college next year. You are just entering the good years BV. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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BV,
Is your H willing to walk into the church hand in hand with you?? IF so, let him TAKE you to church. Let him hold your hand, or better yet, you hold his hand and let him lead you to YOUR church where your God is waiting. Let him do it.
You will find I suspect a great sense of relief if you do this. I don't know if your church meets during the week, but I would bet it is open. Let your H take you there during the week, so that you get used to it again. Hold on to his hand and let him lead you there. It might be easier to start with than going on Sunday's. Baby steps BV. All it takes are Baby Steps.
About time for me to go to bed. Talk with you tomorrow.
God Bless,
JL
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<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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Dear BV,
In so many of your posts, and RAP's as well, you say that you just "can't" reach out to your husband right now, you "can't" give him those gestures that will reassure him and give him hope for your marriage. What I think you mean when you say this is that you don't have the "feelings" to back up those actions. That whatever gesture you give will be shallow at best and totally devoid of meaning at worst. You want to feel as though you MEAN it before you do anything. I understand that. You want to give your husband the whole nine yards or nothing at all, and right now you can't give him the whole nine yards. Any action or gesture you manage to give will feel empty to you and that make you feel like you are "lying". Am I right about this? Here's the thing, though. You DO NOT have to have the feelings to back up your actions. Love is not a feeling. Feelings cannot be relied on because they come and go and are fleeting. It is VERY hard to get out from under this way of thinking because our culture promotes the "feelings" kind of love. Everywhere you turn....TV, radio, books...you are seeing this kind of love being touted as the "real" thing. IT IS NOT! Remember how you felt when you and hubby first got married? Remember past boyfriends from before you and hubby? Those feelings you have are bound to fade over time, and rest assured they would have faded for OM over time if you had pursued that relationship. Those feelings are nice, for sure. But they aren't what makes a relationship last. Even now, you can get those feelings for hubby back....if you take the steps in that direction. There are SO MANY times that I have done things for RH when I just didn't FEEL like it. But almost every time, the feelings followed. At first, after the A, that didn't happen....not right away. But I was willing to give him the gestures he wanted because I hated to see his pain. It IS hard to take that step when your feelings aren't with you....you will feel fake. But you are NOT being fake when you are doing something for another even when you don't feel like it. That's what you call putting someone else's needs above your own. BV, please don't feel stupid if you feel like you aren't "getting it". It's hard to break out of a habitual way of thinking, and essentially that is what you have to do.
Maybe some day, someone will be able to put it to you in a way that you understand. We are different in how we learn...that's all.
I am SURE you will get there....you definitely are persistant!
Julie
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BV,
Just a footnote here...
Consider this: You have already done the most loving, unselfish thing you could do for both your husband AND OM by ending the affair . You did not FEEL like it, did you? Neither did I. But you did it anyway, so I KNOW you can do it again. God has promised to bless us when we obey Him. Why not take the leap of faith and believe that what He will give you in return will be more than you could ever have asked for or imagined? Yes, you're going in blind...but God will not let you down!
Julie
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<small>[ July 26, 2004, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>
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