BV,

Are you listening to RH? You should be, he is offering you a way to help yourself and your H.

You said something about the affair being an "illusion". It was NOT an illusion, the feelings were real, the effect of the affair all too real, what was not real was the environment in which it was carried out. It had no reality. You yourself mentioned that you were not going to leave the good ship Mr. BV. He was not going to leave his family.

It was a deep dark secret so it was exciting because it was illicit.

Oh Dear BV, it was real alright and you have the scars and fears to prove it.

BUT...it was something else and I think you like many that have posted here over the years are going to realize this. It was the instrument through which you would finally find happiness and a perspective on life that pleases you and your H.

You mentioned your marriage being a journey and I guess I was surprised that you just thought that. I have always viewed mine that way and assumed that everyone else did. It is a learning experience but mostly it is a journey. You are so right.

If you had not had this A, would you be seeing Mr.BV for the man he really is? If you had not had this A, would Mr. BV have had a chance to show you, what was inside him. He had an OPPORTUNITY to do it right and he did it. He is changed isn't he BV. Come on now fess up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , he has changed in subtle ways.

What many people post here after a year or so of recovery is that they hate that it took an A to do this, but they are finally in a marriage they enjoy.

It is shock treatment BV, and you know who is controlling the shocks don't you. Go to your church, and feel the triggers, and smile because you are starting to see this all may well have had a purpose, and you and Mr. BV are learning from it.

I know it is painful, but recall the old saying "that which does not kill me, makes me stronger."
You have lessons to learn yet and I suspect they are waiting for you in your church. Tough to go there I understand, and surely in your situation, but remember your H goes there and the place triggers him as well.

Time to go with Mr BV and let him help you through this. It is time you realize you have been forgiven by your H, your God, and finally it needs to be by you. Go face the demons and you will conquer them and you will be stronger.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 02:26 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV...I do want to jump in here regarding your comment about wanting to block out feelings for om. That doesn't work, I've tried it a million different ways. BV, you have to allow yourself to go THROUGH this, there is no trying to psych yourself into feeling anything. Acknowledge the "feelings" for what they were but while you're doing that, really take a good look at om and what he gave you. The om in my situation only gave me heart ache, bottom line.....If you are like me, any OM probably would have affected me the same way if he had had the charm and sexuality that OM had.

What you thought he gave you wasn't real. Oh, we wanted it to be, I know thats for sure, but it was an illusion. Allow yourself to grieve this loss but let it go. I still have times when I feel the loss but I try to not dwell there. There's no point in it and it only brings me down. I've learned to let go of the thoughts and feelings that used to overwhelm me. These are all issues that are mine and I am realizing more and more that these issues have been there for a long time. My A is what surfaced them.

I think that for you to ever believe that you will get to a point where you feel nothing for OM is unrealistic. As someone once said here, strive for indifference. But I assure you that indifference will come to you eventually. I truly believe that time is critical in this "getting over" it phase.

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 02:26 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:16 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Dear BV,

Lisa’s post reminded me of what I’ve posted to you a while ago… I’ve posted you how I have learned it’s sometimes better to stop fighting against all the thoughts and feelings all the time, but just accept it, let it go through you and let it go then… In the beginning, the thoughts and feelings will come and go continuously and repetitively, but if you keep fighting against them, it will only get a stronger hold on you, depletes your emotional energy and prevents you from getting better to accept yourself and your emotions for what it is... This process takes time, is part of withdrawal and will probably take a few months before there will be any major improvement… especially since you’re a sensitive and emotional (‘feeling’) person. BV, you really have to give yourself much more time and patience and learn to accept this process and not trying so hard to fight against it all the time. If you’ll just start accepting the feelings as part of you; not paying attention to them and trying to analyze them too much, you will see that this cycle (of thoughts and feelings that comes and goes) will slowly but surely get less and less with time. However, don’t expect this to get better & improve overnight.

Blessings, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

BV: JL said something in his post at the top of this page that brought something back to me (that onlywords had told me).

Early on, as I was questioning her about the A and OM, digging for the truth, she told me many things about the OM. One of the things he said was something to the effect of: "I'm making your marriage better." It was something that really bugged her about the OM. Something that made her try to get in his head, to understand him. But for all her efforts, I don't think she ever did or does truly understand this guy. The strange thing is that she doesn't need to, to recover our M.

Now one of the things that I'd like to point out, is that nothing that the OM did made our marriage better. I repeat, absolutely, NOTHING he did in the A has made anything about our M better. It has only got better between onlywords and I by OUR hard work and dedication to each other. He may have been the catalyst that opened OUR eyes, that brought OUR attention to this matter. But he is not the one who is doing the work required for OUR marriage to improve.

Kas: You have been here working hard trying to understand what happened, to understand those trying to help you. But guess what? It's time for you to spend as much time with Mr. BV as you both can afford, to work together on recovering your marriage. If you have gone back and read some of your posts from as little as two weeks ago, I believe you'll see some of the progress you made. When/If you go back over some of your older posts, look for the one from NCW where he asked you to put some lists together. Take that list/or yours if you still have it. Put it on your dresser or pc, somewhere where you'll see it everyday. And start to try accomplishing these tasks everyday. Think of it as your daily todo list. Good luck BV! I think you're doing well for your situation, but its time to help Mr. BV as well. (By helping him, you will also be helped!)

Take Care,
RH

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:16 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV,

Going on the anti-d does not mean you are failing.

This withdrawal thing is hard, really hard. I think sometimes we just get worn out.

It doesn't mean you have stopped moving on. I know my body and mind sometimes feel like hamburger meat.

But every day that goes by is a victory for me even if all I can say is I kept NC.

You are doing much more than that.

Just know you are loved and not allowed to give up! You are not because then I will sit down and have a pity party with you. I am way too good at that and I don't need any help.

Hugs to you. I need to share my heart today with you, but I don't think it will help you. I will sort it out and then share.

Has to do with SF with hubby. It should have been a great thing considering. I am a little confused at how I have been reacting afterwards. Don't like it at all.

Love to you,

RAP

PS. I do UNDERSTAND. I really do. You know that. YOu can take a rest, but you cannot quit. We care too much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BV: Don't look at AD's as failing. You are too hard on yourself. Look at the little things you are accomplishing. You went to the doctor to get yourself help AND you were honest with the doctor when you weren't last year.

Baby steps, baby steps! You ARE doing it and will come out of this a better person!!!!

Hugs,
RH

Dear BV,

I'm SO glad you finally decided to go on Anti/D's. The visit and talk to the doctor was the BEST thing you could have ever done for yourself! I'm so glad about this!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BV, remeber what I've told you and the long post I've send you about Anti-D's and IC on the "To Broken Vessel" thread? Please read it again and remember this is about brain chemistry and have NOTHING to do with emotional or spiritual weakness.

This week someone posted on the In Recovery board about Anti-D's as well and how she view the use of it as a weakness and not strength in God and a view people made it very clear to her that this is certainly NOT the case... I SO hope you will accept this too... Before I've started using Anti-D's chronically, I had the same wrong view about psychiatric medicine, but I have totally the opposite view about it know. I see the help of these type of medicines really as a GIFT from God.

Give the medicine at least 2 weeks to kick in and then I really hope you will start to feel better. If the Anti-D described to you doesn't help, please go back and try another one till you find the best one for YOU. A good and safe one to try is Celexa (a SRRI). It work good for depression, OCD and anxiety and have minimum side effets.

My best wishes and blessings to you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

runawaypot - Would like to hear more about your SF with NC. Is it too private, or could you share?

believer,

I would like to share. I will probably share on the moving forward thread so BV can stick with here questions.

I am going moment to moment from being an attentive mom to being a horribly neglectful mom.

I feel so messed up right now. I am really not functioning well.

My kids are in the other room climbing the walls so I need to go be mom like I should be.

Hope to get to tell you later.

Hugs,
RAP

Hi RAP, Believer, Recovering H and Suzet...I hope I didn't leave anyone out here. BV, I will add this one thing. You sound so much like myself that I have to believe that you too are afraid of never feeling what you felt with OM, am I right? I will not lie to you, I still think about OM sometimes but the addiction and obsession are no longer there. Thank God!! Kas, think back to the A and really ask yourself if he really made you happy. I think that you'll find the answer is ultimately no. You see, we were drawn to the way OM made us feel about ourselves.

You don't need any man or anyone for that matter to validate who you are. You are an amazing woman with an awesome heart, I can tell that just by communicating with you here. MRSX, whom I miss so much, used to remind me of the fact over and over. We are not defined by OM and what he thinks or doesn't think of us.....PERIOD

Lisa,

It is so good to see you back.

I am happy for you and your new job.

I just had to say thanks for sharing because your struggles are the same as mine. It is good to know how far you have come. You say often exactly the struggles I have in overcoming OM.

Great to see you again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RAP

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 02:35 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 02:37 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV,

You are in a hard spot. You will come out. We can all help each other. You have been doing so well. You are going to be okay. Remember what JL says….time and patience, time and patience. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I don’t know how yet either, but I know this must be true.

I really need to get off pc, but I cannot seem to handle leaving yet.


I simply at this moment have totally retreated into myself and literally cannot cope with the fact that I still have feelings for OM when I don’t want to any more

I too am at this point. It is hard not to get angry about this. Sharing about SF is hard for me. I am a very passionate person physically (we all are probably). I had lost that before OM came along. He started it up again.

H and I had a great intimate time last night. Lots of passion. Not all the feelings I wanted, but I was able to really be there with him.

After, a flood of feelings just hit me hard. I am ASHAMED at this. I wasn’t trying to think of OM. I had just had very nice SF with H. But I just started bawling like a baby. (felt so bad for H, but he was wonderful). I was missing OM right then and there. It made me so mad. All I could think was I really love OM and I can’t believe I can actually be feeling so strong about him.

I am ashamed. I couldn’t stop crying. I missed him so much. I hadn’t even noticed until then. I think it will get better with every time with H. But I cannot break down like that. It can’t help our M.

So as you see, I felt very broadsided by the strong emotions that came at that moment. Why then, I don’t know. Maybe part of the mourning the loss of something (however silly it may seem.)

So who looks pitiful now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am desperate to think that and I am desperate to have feelings for Mr BV and totally no feelings for OM.

That is how I feel after last night. I am more frustrated that I have to overcome these feelings for OM than anything. But we will. With time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I must come accross as not wanting to move on, yet I do.

No you don’t. Just a blip in the screen really. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You do want to move on. You are moving on.

Love to you,
RAP

PS. Did you see my post on the Jelly thread? I do not want to repeat it again, but I went to the gym after consuming way too much alcohol. Makes a ton of sense. We need to stop the alcohol, but I am struggling with this too.

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>