BV,

You are doing better than you think. Someone recommended earlier that you NOT DENY your thoughts of OM, but recognize them for what they are: an attempt to escape from the pain you are in.

RAP just posted about her experience after having sex with her H, and how all of the thoughts just hit her. RAP do you know I think this is a great thing. Sex with your H is becoming an emotionally connected experience now, and the proof that is your emotional response of thinking of OM. Did you tell your H that was why you were crying? You should discuss it with him, this is really good news. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I mean it. You are emotionally connecting with your H and because you are your feeling will come flooding back concerning OM. But, they will fade as you continue to make the progress you are.

BV, the same goes for you. Please understand as you reconnect with Mr. BV, you will open up and OTHER feelings will also come with them, but gradually as you continue to talk with Mr. BV, and you let him help you, as you connect, the memories will come but the feelings will fade.

BV, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FORGET OM. Do you hear me, never forget him. He is a lesson for you, a pivot point in your life, and to forget him and what happened would be to leave yourself open for a repeat. You know the old saying: "those that forget history are condemned to relive it."

Well that applies here. You are making progress, you finally went to the doc. You are getting in touch with your feelings, and you are healing. You are now starting to stretch that scar tissue, and tear apart the attachments that must be removed. It is painful, but it is healing just the same.

You are doing better than you realize. When you awake tomorrow, you will feel better, and you have taken some very important steps. You opened up to your Doc and she can help you better now. You are opening up to Mr. BV and he can help you better now.

Don't fight the feelings for OM, let them come, but when they do: stop. Ask yourself, am I stressed? Am I trying to avoid something? Is this about me being uncomfortable and wishing I was? Accept the feelings but question the cause and gradually you will see their intensity pass.

Sleep well, and give Mr. BV a hug tomorrow morning, and maybe just a peck on the cheek. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

PS: RAP, do you see that what happened is good news? Explain it to your H. You are doing much better than you realize. And you are right it is a T&P thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You will learn to hate that term. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa103:
<strong> I still think about OM sometimes but the addiction and obsession are no longer there.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa, this is the same with me… It’s a few months now that I don’t have this addiction & obsession towards XOM anymore and it is such a relief! When I accidentally bump into OM at work now, it doesn’t have the same influence on me it had till a while ago. I still feel anxious when I accidentally see him and I don’t think this anxiousness will ever completely go away, but I think this is very normal.

BV, how are you feeling this morning? Please let us know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 01:40 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Dear BV, I didn’t saw your reply of yesterday since I was stuck on p 13 and didn’t notice the next page immediately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>At least you guys have moved in some way to forgetting OM and what happened. I haven’t even after 4 months.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BV, can I tell you something? FIVE months after my EA ended, I went back to my IC & doctor and started using the Anti-D again. During those 5 months (after EA and all contact was ended) I couldn’t cope with withdrawal. I even feel worse and more in withdrawal after that period of 5 months. I felt hopeless at the time, but I’ve experienced that time, patience and the necessary help of people and/or medicine can help anyone to heal and became ‘whole’ again. BV, you CAN get through this and I KNOW you will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love and blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 02:31 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:12 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Dear BV,

I’m glad you feel a bit more encouraged by my posts... I hoped it would help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know if one sometimes feels you are the only one in the world struggling with a specific problem, it helps to know others were there too and understand what you’re struggling with. It’s also good you have this place to vent and let your feelings out.

BV, thanks for your update, you really sound better this morning. As I’ve said yesterday, give the Anti-D’s at least 2 weeks to kick in. It can take up to 3 or 4 months before you will have the full effect. However, I’m sure you will start to feel some relief very soon. Be patient.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I kept feeling that why do I feel worse after 4 months then I did when I first confessed? It is like the withdrawal suddenly set in deep without me realizing it.

Maybe it is because I am in the 'real' world now and have to let go of the 'world' I was in with OM and the reality of having to do it is finally sinking in?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BV, I believe the depression and chemical imbalance caused by the stress & withdrawal plays a VERY big part in all this. Constant stress can lead to a physical change in body functions and body chemicals. Especially constant emotional stress (like you have experienced the past few months) can have a MAJOR influence on physical and emotional reactions. This why I’ve said yesterday I believe the appropriate, safe and necessary use of medicine is a GIFT from God. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BV: One more sign from God that he is here for you and looking out for you. Did you see it? It was when you called the doctor and they said we have an opening in a half hour. Keep up the good work.

Praying for you,
RH

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:14 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:14 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Dear BV,

I’m knocking off from work within a few minutes and I’m glad I’ve noticed your post just in time. You sound much better than yesterday already. That’s good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a nice weekend and I will talk to you again on Monday!

Love and blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:15 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:07 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Hello BV,

Just got a few moments, a busy day today.

In regards to your last post, I don't have any wisdom to offer, other than you must decide to face it and not hide. Your H is there to help you, your God is there to help you, even your children will help you by enriching your life, and focusing you on their own dramas. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My suggestion is quit hiding. When you decide that you will find that the pain is much less. When you realize you have support right beside you, it becomes even less. In is all about you, but sooner or later it has to become about those around you who can help and need help.

All you are doing by withdrawing is punishing them. You comment that you cannot even give your H a peck on the cheek is really intolerable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You most certainly can do it, and it is time you quit babying yourself and decide to take your rightful place beside him as an adult.

Spend this weekend with him, and do the intolerable, and you will find you are strong enough to do more. Stop the withdrawing.

Please really consider what I have said.

God Bless,

JL

Ladies -

Hope you are all feeling a little bit better. I'm feeling just like you after the big uproar with WH yesterday morning. I felt so ashamed that I had some wine, and slept the rest of the day.

I could hardly bring myself to post here. But I'm back.

BV - Glad you got the anti-D's. They will ease your pain. (soon, I hope)

Oh, last night I watched a program on SF for ladies and gentlemen. It was absolutely frank, and I cringed. But one thing was interesting.

They said the average man is thinking about one thing during SF - DUH, we knew that! But the average woman is thinking about 9 different things.

The sex therapists suggestion was to train your mind to "be there", and forget about anything else. Supposedly it is easy to do. Need any other tips??????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Originally posted by Broken Vessell:
"I think when I have moved further along in recovery with H, then I may be able to ‘learn’ from mistakes and just have memory of OM in head, but at the moment it is my HEART that I cannot cope with. Everything is just searing pain which isn’t fading."


In case you don't read other threads, please try to find the time to read the thread by:

noodles

title of thread is: "sex and intimacy and price and rant"

Pep

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:08 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

BV,

Hi. It was good to read your posts. Also Suzet’s, JL’s and believers. I am going to check out what Pep is talking about too.

but at the moment it is my HEART that I cannot cope with. Everything is just searing pain which isn’t fading.

I am keeping NC. But…I am ready and needing 2x4s, that is about all I am doing today. I cannot seem to “deal” so have been seeking to “numb” just enough by wine to enjoy the day. I have not been able to choose a different way where I just do not fall apart lately. Also, I don’t even want to contemplate breaking NC, and quite honestly it takes my mind off of it. I know, I am a little weak and self-involved at the moment.

I just want to re-connect with Mr BV then I hope they will go, but I know I can’t re-connect at the moment because of the feelings. It seems a circle.

There must be a way to break this cycle. I know exactly what you mean. When I am in so much pain, as now, my H just sits on the sidelines. I have to snap back out of it for the weekend. He needs me. He left for work today saying he needed prayer for resentment about me having the A. I need you all so much because I feel so alone in how to handle this. Thank you for being there. I am realizing I CANNOT do this alone.

JL I can’t ‘not’ fight the feelings. If I let them come they hurt too deep. It is simply too painful.

That is my main reason for the alcohol. I want to get past this point. I am truly tired of it. BV, hang in there. Like you, I am so thankful everyone is here.

Maybe it is becasue I am in the 'real' world now and have to let go of the 'world' I was in with OM and the reality of having to do it is finally sinking in?

At this very moment, that fact is hitting me. I really am moving on, and it terrifies me to let go in some ways. I have to face my H’s needs and the fact that I did this to him. I don’t feel capable sometimes, but I am asking God for his help.

Suzet said:


BV, I believe the depression and chemical imbalance caused by the stress & withdrawal plays a VERY big part in all this. Constant stress can lead to a physical change in body functions and body chemicals. Especially constant emotional stress (like you have experienced the past few months) can have a MAJOR influence on physical and emotional reactions. This why I’ve said yesterday I believe the appropriate, safe and necessary use of medicine is a GIFT from God.

I believe this is true. I am on anti-ds. Not a really high dose. I have hit rock bottom with the depression lately. Could it be I need to increase? I REALLY don’t want to do the wrong thing with this medication? How do you know when you need to increase and when it is just going to take time?


How are you doing today?

Have you been out anywhere? How is your 'drinking'?

I am failing with the drinking lately. I have never struggled with it like I am now. Sometimes I feel like my body cannot handle the pain that comes. Sounds SOOOO weak. Please know I just want to function. It is a problem and I need to find a better solution. Trying to be honest. Thank you for asking BV. Ihope the anti-ds help SOON for you.

Well,

Thank you JL for your comments about SF with H. Actually, he does understand about the crying. It did hurt him. I hate this. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. Ugh, I really hate this spot. But the SF was good, and he knows I was really there with him this time. Thank you for your help JL. I will really need it more. Thanks for your time and patience. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care all,

Hugs,
RAP

Hey BV,

Just saw your post right before mine. HOpe you don't mind me posting my feelings here with you sometimes.

I appreciate it so much.

Sounds like you loved on your husband some today.

I hope to show my H how much I appreciate him too this weekend. Even if I don't feel it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Love to you BV,
RAP

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:09 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

Hi BV.

I just posted above yours couple times. We missed each other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just read the thread Pepperband reccommended. It is eye opening.

Love to you,

RAP

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:09 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>