Shelly,
No offense but where was your daughter when you were driving by the house at 6:30am??

You need to slow way down and immediately seek professional help. If your H won't go then you go. Start working on yourself. Somebody needs to break the cycle. If not your H then its you.

I don't mean to be harsh but look what your (yours and H's) is doing to your daughter.

This reminds me of behavior I saw when I was growing up. My step father's behavior was horrible but my mother just made it worse. Instead of defusing the situation by her actions, she threw fuel on the fire.

Next time you want to shriek at your H don't.

Mac

my d was sleeping at the time. right now my mother is living with us so she usually watches her while im at work. as for myself, i thought i was doing better, i was really a basket case this last month, i guess i just had a relapse. yes, i see what my own and h's behavior is doing to our baby. thats why i feel like"wwwwhhheee!!!! i'm going crazy!!!"so i decided to back off of my h, to try and help her right now. she has been a little better lately, the past 2 days, she has kept to her curfew, been where she says she's going to be, and hasn't stolen anything of mine lately. am going to look into councelling for her tomorrow although h isn't going to be happy about it, if they think its appropriate, i'll do counceling with her. he wont go' so i suppose it defeats the purpose of family counceling.

had an o.k. day so far. d and i joined bally's. according to the guy who signed us up at the mall, its supposed to be " good for stress and for your spirit". i hope so. h isn't happy about it to say the least. he says he never met a girl with a personal trainer who was'nt getting how shall i put it delicately? "personally trained"? see, it doesn't matter where i want to go, he gets mad. so i can't go unless my d is with me. i also talked to her doctor today and asked if he could recommend a councelor for her. he said he'll get back to me with a list.h finally paid off his stupid truck today that he just had to have. maybe he will stop being so crabby now about money. blah, blah, blah, enough from the diaries of the half crazy housewife.

Shelly,
How long you been married? You're not going to have a perfect marriage overnight.

Your H said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he says he never met a girl with a personal trainer who was'nt getting how shall i put it delicately? "personally trained"? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well unfortunately there are alot of FWW here on this site who can actualy attest to that.

How did you respond to your H's comment? With patience? With poise? With grace? Did you ignore him?

Your post had several disrespectful comments concerning your H. Have you read aal of Dr Harley's principles up on the main webpage? Are you familiar with the term love buster (LB)? Love busters include bad personal habits, speaking disrespectfully to or about a spouse & being judgemental.

I realize that you might just be venting here on the board, but it's hard to tell from your posts if its just venting or whether you speak to your H that way.

I realize there is alot of resentment built up between the two of you, but as I've said before someone's got to break the cycle. Hopefully you're mature enough to do it.

Sounds like your D is doing better. Keep giving her the personal attention she needs.

Have you and your D discussed the problems around the house? Hopefully she doesn't know all the gory details. A simple statement of "Mom and Dad are having some issues and we're trying to work them out" is usually all you need to say to a preteen or teen. They should not be told all the details. They should not be used as a confidant.

I have a 12 y o also. She's great.

Mac

i ignored his comment about getting personally trained.if i told him i was going shopping for food, he'd be upset if the bagboy helped me to my car. as for how i reaaly talk to him, i guess i should have clarified, i use this board to vent . i congradulated him when he told me he got his truck and i WAS truly happy for him. but next month it will be something else he wants. my d and i already had a talk about mom and dad going thru some rough times right now. should i tell her her actions are not helping? last night i was very good with my h. i didn't call him 5 times to ask when he was coming home already. i gave him a pedicure, (dont ask,no one else would touch his feet). and i layed off the "do you still love me" "do you know what your d did today/" kind of stuff, and just let him watch his espn. he started talking, and being nicer. so see, i am trying to utilize some of what i read here.and he's more then welcome to come with us to bally's or anywhere else we may go. he's the one who wont. oh, been married 4 years.

went to bally's and worked out for a while with my d.she seems to be really interested in the kickboxing classes that they offer.should i let her become dangerous? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> h wanted s last night. oh the romance of it. his idea of f.p. is to yell "hey babe, wheres the ky jelly?" in my ear at 4:30 am.but we don't have problems in the bedroom.we have always been great together, so i wonder why he cheated? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

geez, i can't even spy right. i'm trying to figure out if my h is still fooling around on me, so i thought i would go thru his cell phone while he was sleeping. while trying to detach the phone from the charger i knocked down about 10 bottles of cologne. he sat straight up in the bed and said what are you doing ? i said nothing, and ran to the bathroom. 10 seconds later he knocks on the door, i open it and he's just standing there with his hand out. i tried damage control and said i was just trying to figure out how to shut it off cause it rang and i didnt want to disturb you. i was afraid he was going to be angry because he say's i spy on him, but he just thought it was funny. thought i had LB'd there for a minute. silly thing to do.i just can't seem to help myself sometimes. now when he wants something he tells me," sneak yourself to the fridge and get us some pops" or"babe could you go spy on the dryer and see if my shorts are dry?" i guess i didn't let the personal trainer work me hard enough yesterday. i still have crazy thoughts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

shelly3..

I'm gonna toss this post to you...
with hopes that you can see some things that may be difficult to see when you are in the mix of them....

I can and may be way off with my interpertation ...but remember it is based on your posts....

there are in my opinion red flags all over your post...which in my opinion speak of very deep marital issues ....with OR without the presence of an affair....

and that you need to look at your own participation in these patterns...and change your role in them......

Start first with deciding that your home is a sanctuary for you, your daughter, and your husband...

that YOU stop all yelling no matter what...take control of your tone of voice and it's level...
it doesnt work...as you can see...

so you get in control of that first.

second...STOP all disrepectfull attacks on your husband...they just diffuse any opportunity you have to have any real conversation on any issues...

shelly let go of the affair issues right now..you need a really good plan A in which you get control of your behavior...atleast a month to six weeks....and during this month to six week you make you primary focus your daughters health and well being..

without powerstruggling...you do whatever it is you need to do to make her safe....
and home must be safe...which does not mean home is a place without boundaries or rules...cause homes like that are not safe at all...
we show our love through our rules and boundaries...as well as acceptance of individuality....
(yeah I got all the answers don't I... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so much more easier said than done....)

so you set goals for yourself...

1...daughter...safety and counseling.
2. duagther ...family counseling with our without hubby...and no power struggling..respond to his dislike with only love and softness...

"dear I realize that you are of the opinion that counseling is for the birds...but right now this is what her doctor recomends..and we are going."

NO POWER STRUGGLING that...

there is tinges of abuse...(and I am not one to use that term lightly that alarm me..)

his degrading of your friends...
his telling you that and he told me "i'm proud to have you at home"

be wary of his attempts to isolate you from friends and family and belittle your self esteem...

I am also concerned because you say the following things...

but we love each other too much to just throw in the towel.

and yet there is very little love or respect in your home...

take control of the tone of the house shelly..
you can't control or change him...
choose out of most if not all of the name calling and accusations in the house and let it go..

you two are caught in a vicious cycle...and your daughter is a victim..
self mutilation and carving is a huge emotional release for people that constructively let go of their pain...
it's very serious....

take care of you shelly
take care of your daughter
take care of your home..
focus on those things first....and once you have gotten those things under control you will be stronger, in more control, and better able to rationalize with the alien...

ark

your right, of course ark. but it is easier said than done. i really have tried to gain control over myself but i can't seem to let the a go. if i let myself sit and think, i feel myself starting to crack. i know a lot of it was my fault. i used to come down hard on him for stupid things and i'm so sorry for that now. i mainly use this board to vent, because its easier to talk to strangers for me than to admit to friends or family that anything is wrong. he does do nice things for me. he just finished surprising me with new speakers and a top radio for my car that i had been wanting. i guess i just want him to be with me more, and the thought of him making a fool out of me behind my back, or him loving someone else just KILLS me. and thats when i start trying to see what he's up to. you know, he talks in his sleep all the time, he's always telling me he loves me, but when he wakes up, the alien is back. but, i'm too tired to think about that now. most important thing is d's safety. i think i'm on to something here with the bally's thing. after the trainer got thru trying to kill us, she was so tired she just stayed in. it was a great mother daughter thing too because we got to encourage each other. i am just tired and depressed right now. am going to lay down a while.....

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: shelly_3 ]</small>

i really have tried to gain control over myself but i can't seem to let the a go. if i let myself sit and think, i feel myself starting to crack

I know it's hard...
but you must start with yourself...
and you must stop the mean and rude comments..
all they do is solidfy his "reasons" for avoiding you and seeking others...

It plays right in to his hand..ughhh...

or him loving someone else just KILLS me. and thats when i start trying to see what he's up to. you know, he talks in his sleep all the time, he's always telling me he loves me,

for six weeks you should purge the word love from your vocabulary...

someone who verbally attacks you ....isn't loving...and doesn't understand the meaning of love...

and that goes for you also ...when you both are readily prone to just let the creul verbal attacks fly...it just destroys the atmospbere in which the words love can thrive and have real meaning...

you need to learn to be able to love your spouse...even when at your agriest at their actions....and YOU aren't there yet...regardless of where he is on the spectrum....

shell ...imagine that each encounter you two have will be peaceful and respectful...even when there is conflict of issues..the goa is for two adults to work it out...
you see posts here of people learning to do it..some for the first time..some the first in a long time etc...

you gotta let go of what he is doing..
cause he will do whatever he chooses..
you can't change it..

so let it go...
and do the work at home first...
you can't powerstuggle it
you can't confront it
none of that works...

you want his attention then start acting different and interesting and in control..

the truth is that since both of you are so volatile...neither of you have created a safe environment to hear the truth about anything...

Shell it is hard...hard hard hard..
but what are your other options..
continue in the chaos??
continue to have empty words of love and empty acts of affection when both are really afraid to be real and connect honestly.

Shel ..
this is your time..
to get control and change in you what is not serving your marriage ..
find freedom in letting go worrying about what he is doing or not doing...

free yourself first..

ark