EH,

I understand the desire to post the details of what is happening, it is a catharsis of sorts. I do understand your doubts and fears and pain. Only you can decide whether you can stay in this marriage. I also grappled with all the questions you are grappling with and in the end, it was a quality of life issue for me.

When we first went into recovery in September 2000, I had the reluctant spouse whose ego was bruised, who was naturally defensive about all that had happened. I was the one leading the discovery, and he just followed along. He would not agree to counseling, but was accountable.

This time around, he is leading the way as I said before. That was the one huge difference for me. When I finally asked for a divorce he went through the sleepless nights, the loss of appetite, the inability to focus in at work. Everyone commented on this at his job. He did not go through this when he broke it off with the OW 3 years ago. It convinced me that he really was sorry, that he was experiencing the consequences of his actions.

I have not regretted the decision to stay married to him. I had to have surgery in four months ago, and he took the best care of me. He showered me, changed my bandages, took such great care of me. He was never in a hurry, did not seem grossed out when taking care of the cut. He was gentle and loving and spent a week at home when I was first released from the hospital. He proved to me that he did love me and I was glad I did not give up on him.

With your OW living so close by, I can understand how you think your recovery was false for all of this time. But the fact that she got married and was trying to have a baby sounds like the contact only started up again recently. Maybe the stress of trying to have a baby prompted the OW to contact your H again. However we may hate the OW, our H’s once had a very close and intimate relationship with them. It would be very hard for them not to respond to the OW if they need help. The fact that they are putting their marriage in jeopardy does not enter into their minds.

My H admitted to me that he broke the NC rule and called the OW. He is the one who initiated contact with her. I have to live with that fact for the rest of my life.

You need time to work this all out. Do not think you have to rush into anything. Let him come up with the game plan on how to fix this.

NOMO