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Joined: Mar 2004
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Family Matters – I have been following your struggles and would like to express my admiration for your efforts. You seem to be doing an amazing job, under the very worst circumstances and from your wife’s letter, it seems that your hard work is reaching her, if only at a subconscious level. I think you are right not to agree to a separation. You have both gone beyond this point and your wife can’t put off the terror of facing herself and her mistakes any longer.

Having said that, I don’t think you can expect too much right now, as I believe that NC and withdrawal are a process that must occur, before your wife can begin to ‘feel’ everything you are doing, as opposed to only ‘seeing’ it.

As for the NC letter, I think I’ve have posted to you before, that I consider it essential. The letter is for both of you. For your wife to really know in her heart that it’s over with OM and for you to have some reassurance, from which you can gain a little more strength to continue.

The good news is, that it seems your wife is trying to understand how and why she finds herself at this point in her life. That is a huge plus, because she must recover ‘herself’ in order to recover your marriage. Perhaps she will be open to some guidance from reading books such as ‘Surviving An Affair’ or ‘Torn Asunder’, instead of laying awake at night, getting more and more confused. The times my H has spoken with the most clarity and understanding, is when he has spent some time reading these books. He sometimes turns to the bible, which always gives him answers.

The bad news is that you find yourself on the edge of insanity, while you wait for her to wake up. Trust me, I know how it feels! It is important that you look after yourself at this time or you may find yourself turning into a blubbering blob of jelly like me and completely lose yourself. I know that patience is wearing pretty damn thin for you now, but unfortunately you need to find more of it from somewhere. The bible helps me with this and so does some time alone, to just be me and not WH’s entire support system every waking moment.

It sometimes helps me to look ahead to years from now. There may one day come a time when I can look back and know that it was all worth it. It is hard to carry on without any guarantees, but you will always know you did your very best and then some.

You really should be proud of yourself Family Matters. You are clearly a man of courage, wisdom and enormous strength and I hope that these qualities will bring you the recovery of your marriage, that you have worked so hard for.

Joined: Jul 2004
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I want to thank you guys so much!!!!
I'm sure you know how it is when your trying to save your marriage and your doing everything you can to be supportive and rebuild, but your spouse is so far away in their heart that nothing seems to be registering. Please tell me that when she talks about not wanting to be in a relationship or M that it's just the fog.

I really need your support, because I can't really confide in my family or friends. For the most part they all have feel that I've done enough and I should let my M go. I understand they are concerned about my welfare, but this isn't just about me its about our children, especially my son, he absolutely adores his mother. I realize its fog talk, but it hurts me to my soul when she says things about leaving us and going somewhere and living alone. I must learn not to listen, or should I say listen but don't take it to heart, and I think that's the hardest part.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

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I can really empathise with you about not being able to confide in others. Unless they’ve been through it, they’d never understand why we try so hard. For me, I just can’t bear to see my family dragged along on this rollercoaster ride again and so everyone thinks things have been fine for the last 6 months. It’s a very lonely time, but we can both be thankful for MB’s.

I know it’s almost impossible, but do try not to take your wife’s words to heart. She clearly doesn’t know her own mind yet and until she does, it’s up to you to guide her back to rhyme and reason. She’s lost and she needs you to show her the way.

One thing to remember, is that when and if she decides to come back to the real world, it will mean admitting how wrong she’s been, feeling every bit of pain she’s thrown your way and having to deal with all the guilt and remorse that goes along with it. It’s a terrifying prospect for her to face, but face it she must. Don’t underestimate how huge that will be for her. (Perhaps some FWS’s can give you some insight).

I also get the feeling that her self-esteem is at rock bottom, in her thinking she doesn’t deserve you. She’s toying with the idea that she’s no use to anyone and everyone would be better off if she disappeared. That probably seems like the easier option when this huge mountain of emotional work is in front of her. It’s important that you show her you believe in her and her ability to put things right, that she has it in her to turn this whole mess around and become the wife and mother she wants to be. I think you said she’s expressed an interest in IC and IMO that is a massive step forward. Please encourage her with this. It could bring the motivation she needs to begin her journey and it will also give you some relief from being her sole guide.

I know your hurting FM and I know how you feel. It wasn’t long ago that H told me OW was everything he’d always wanted in a wife and I wasn’t. I’ve found letters saying how he aches for her, how they should have married years ago, that he’d never loved anyone the way he loves her. Pain doesn’t even begin to describe the feelings I had. Now he is talking about her only in anger and just 2 days ago said that if he lived for a thousand years, he’d never find anyone like me. We are barely into recovery, but it goes to show that the fog is a real and true phenomenon. Trust me, your wife is fogged out big time. If she still says these things when OM is out of her system and her personal recovery is in full swing, then you can begin to take her seriously. But somehow, I really don’t think that will happen.

Hope that’s helped a little.

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Horizon,
Your words are so true, my W sent me an email expressing her tremendous guilt and seemingly unworthiness to be loved or forgiven. I will do my best to follow the somewhat psychic-like advice given here. It's unbelievable how similar WS's are. I also found a journal where my W expressed her undying love for the OM, she spoke of how her heart ached so for his love. I was totally crushed! I have no idea how I made it through that finding, as it was well before I found this site or had any idea of the concept ot fog or withdrawal.

Here's an excerpt to her latest email:
I feel like I'm in a pit of "no return" but I know I will come up out it. I do need space, time and REDEMPTION. I don't know how to get Redemption for or begin atoning for my actions. I also don't feel in my heart that I'm worthy of being your wife - I feel like I'm such an
unbelievebly 'shocking disappointment'.
I just need some time and until then, I won't be any good to anyone - not even myself...I'm sorry
(again).

I mean I'm totally shocked <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> at how on point all of your responses are. Eventhough I've been reading all of the literature here, sometimes her words seem though pain, they seem genuine, I understand perfectly why there are so many DIVORCES and broke homes! WIthout this fantastic forum and all of you helping to give us and understanding of what's gong on...how in the world could a BS even began to deal with their S's actions, deeds and mood swings????

I guess the New BS struggles to understand the depth of the WS'S guilt and withdrawal. It's hard to imagine my W being so different from the W I knew and loved. Someone said recovery could take anywhere from 2-5 YEARS!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That's a scary thought.

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FamilyMatters,

Pain ALWAYS feels bad when you have it. I fall into the same trap.

No one to talk to that I "know" as it would dishonor the wife, or cause unecessary pain for her later.

On again/off again.

Told by WW that I deserve better, she is not worthy, would be better for whole family if she just left.

Same as yours.

That is NOT YOU or your doing. It is HER struggling with her own self-worth. Coming to grips with what she has done.

You know those crazy, homicidal maniacs? We put them in prison and WORK on them and try and CURE them. What happens when they get "cured?" When they REALIZE the magnitude of what they have done? After such an act of lunacy, how could you live with yourself when you regained sanity? That is like the WW coming through the fog.

Been there, done that. You are NOT alone in this. Doesn't make it easy though, does it?

Here is a lifeline I hang on to sometimes:

I will NOT QUIT until I have convinced myself that I have taken EVERY POSSIBLE STEP to SAVE my marriage and can look God in the eyes when I die and tell Him the same.

Otherwise, I quit just because the going got tough.

Sometimes that gets me through the low spots.

Vent away, vent away, vent away.

Better here than at WW or in front of kids.

NCWalker

PS - Stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW and SMILE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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