What:

" don't even know how I would go about telling her. "

This part is easy, though not simple. Best thing you could do would be 2 schedule a phone session with one of the Harleys (click on "counsel" at the top of this page) and tell them what's gone on. They will help you get your W involved in the counseling, and you can tell her then.

Another option would be 2 go 2 a local counselor in person. This might be a better place 2 tell your W what's transpired, because there would be a supportive person in the room.

The main reasons for telling in front of a counselor are usually in the likelihood that the spouse could get violent, and that would usually be the H, so I don't think it's likely in your case.

You need 2 tell, and having a good counselor or coach 2 help you tell might be just the ticket in this case.

-ol' 2long

Ok...The more and more I read the more and more I realize I need to tell her. I don't want to get a counseler involved at this point. I want to do it with just the two of us. Though no time is a good one and I can't decide where, when , or how. I was thinking of sending my children over night at my sisters and telling her when she gets home form work. That will give her 5 minutes to throw me out and the rest of the night to cry herself sick. I'm supposed to work tomorrow (24 hour shift) then a golf tournament all day thrusday and flying out of town for a wedding fri, sat, sun, and back monday. Tonight she is meeting a friend afterwork for dinner (her friend is moving away). She is going to be very sad when she get's home. The timing is very very bad. I just want to call in sick tomorrow, cancel golf, and wedding, and deal with this. Please any help?

Although, everythime i read or re-read this thread I feel worse, i believe it is actualy helping me. i think I going, no I know I going to feel even worse. i thank you all

Yes..cancell. Good idea, and I mean that. You should expect that this will take some time for either of you to be really functional again..a few days isn't too long to put a halt on the world and deal with the immediate fallout. I remember that after our D day..my emotions and reactions were a little....unpredictable. We went out to eat [no way was I cooking!]and our waitress had the same name as the woman he had slept with [ very similar situation to yours..went out with a bunch of *friends*..had too much to drink..went home with a stranger *poof* our lives went up in smoke] I burst into the sort of maniac laughing jag you see on a psych ward..laughs that are loud and almost a sob..everyone was looking and I couldn't stop...going out in public may not be the very best plan..especially a wedding..the bitter irony would be too much for me, and breaking down in front of friends and family would be sort of hard to explain if the two of you decide to keep this between yourselves [that is..assuming that the whole town doesn't already secretly know anyway..15 or so people is an awful lot to keep a secret]. I'm so pleased that you have decided to tell your wife. To do otherwise would be to keep her in bondage for your own selfish convenience..she didn't have any control over your actions..you made your decision and need to accept the consequences. For you to turn around and manipulate things to your liking is despicable..she is a grown woman and has the right to make her life decisions with full knowledge, not partial. I would like to take a moment and give you a heads up because your situation is so like my husbands...this woman is not really the mistress [and don't pursue it and make her one], it is the lifestyle that led to your waking up in a strange bed. I would be willing to bet, that you feel some real reluctance to giving up evenings out with the boys..that you have a whole list of reasons why it's justified..and I'll bet that at least some deceit has already been in the mix. Either exactly what you guys are doing..where you are going..how much you are drinking..etc. I'll bet your wife will be very suprised that you allowed yourself to get extremely drunk in a place that is no doubt designed for hook ups. What happenned to these friends of yours when you were walking out the door? Not one of them noticed? Not one of them thought it was strange that you were staggering out with a woman who isn't your wife? When a man and woman leave a bar together, everyone knows why, and everyone who saw you leave with her, everyone who saw the two of you engaged with each other before you left..all of them knew that you were already cheating on your wife. Do yourself a favor..after you work up the courage to come clean to your wife..make yourself next on the list. If you were not interested in cheating on your wife..then why did your choices put you in a position where it was not only a possibility but a probability? If you have not taken an interest in the articles on this site..please make some time and do it. It is a real eye opener. It will starkly contrast you declarations of fidelity and happiness in your marriage with your choices. It may also be a usefull tool for your wife. Something to help her through the dark moments and help the two of you design some healthier habbits for your marriage. Best of luck [truly..I know I've been hard on you] with telling your wife..don't sell her short, she may suprise you with more mercy than you could imagine. Noodle

Whid,,,

I am sure every BS (betrayed Spouse) wishes thier WS thought as you.
I really wish my wife would have come to decision to tell me about her mistake after it first happened. I had to discover it and then listen to her deny it and tell lie after lie,,,, all of this has made our recovery so much harder for me.
Man do I wish she would have showed me her remorse with out me finding out on my own.
You are making the rigght decision!
Tell her and cancel all of your activities.. you will have to be with her every second you can.
You made a mistake, a ONS with a confession would have been a blessing to me.
Granted she is going to be hurt,, but she will reflect on your regret and your honesty to tell her. She can forgive you,,, you have it so much better than other WS who prolonged an affair for lengths of time and ended up getting busted by thier spouse. If we can forgive and make our marriage whole again so can your wife.

The last time I remember crying was when i was five. I have gone though tough times, pain, deathes, thing in my job (as a firefighter) that have broken my heart. I have spent to entire day hiding from children because i didn't want them to see me crying. It's know longer if i'm going to tell her..it's when...i don't think I can pretend nothing is wrong any longer...i'm falling apart. but the worst part is this is only the beginning. Wake up Jeff, Wake up Jeff, Please Wake up!!!!

All bad dreams have to come to an end sometime..i guess I'll have to wake myself up time by telling the truth...as hard is it is going to be.

Question: do you think I should show this thread to my wife...will it help?

WHID,
There is a similar thread by Distressed Husband that you may want to review.

Noodle said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> going out in public may not be the very best plan..especially a wedding..the bitter irony would be too much for me, and breaking down in front of friends and family would be sort of hard to explain if the two of you decide to keep this between yourselves [that is..assuming that the whole town doesn't already secretly know anyway. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree completely. There are 7 stages of loss and every BS reacts differently. Your W may start with denial. Or maybe anger. She will have tremendouse feelings of shame and humiliation. She may feel paranoid that everyone at the wedding knows and is talking about it behind her back (especially since 16 people may be already gossiping about it)

Also if she reacts by wanting to kick you out. I would answer by firmly but gently saying that you don't think that seperation is good for recovery. You want to be there for support.

Women and men have different needs in time of crises. Men like to go off to their "caves" to think about all of their problems and to try and come up with an answer/solution. Women aren't that way and they hate it when men jump in and offer them the prefabbed solution. So be careful that you don't do this.

Women need support. Instead of thinking about the problem they want to talk about it. This cycle can happen again and again until they feel better about it. By talking about the problem/issue it'll make them feel better about it even if there is no resolution.

Your W will be hurt. The trust will be broken. Be careful that you don't rationalize and say things like," well at least I didn't have sex with her." That is completely irrelevant to a BS.

I know you've said you don't have a drinking problem. That's your preception. What's your W's? I was the same way. Didn't think there was a problem. My W had always thought otherwise but I never asked and she never offered.

Good luck to you.

Mac

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

more clafication. I was the only one going to the wedding this weekend because of the cost of air travel. There is no way I'm going that's not even an issue at this point. Back to drinking, Drinking has and will never by an excuse for what I have done. Only one person to blame and that's solely rest with me. I hope my wife wants to talk about it. I hope she can talk about it. I want to talk about it. That's why I'm writing in here. I need to talk about it. I just hope she wants to listen to me.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I take the kids to relatives for the night...wait for my wife to come home from work/dinner with friend. Then what? "please sit down with me I have something I need to tell you"...How do I proceed? Is there a right and wrong way to proceed? I don't have plans of dancing around the facts or making excuses. I just want to make this right!!! Anyone have any experiences or suggestions that might make this impossible task just a bit easier?

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: What_Have_I_done ]</small>

Anyone have any experiences or suggestions that might make this impossible task just a bit easier?
Yes. See below.

don't want to get a counseler involved at this point. I want to do it with just the two of us.
Why not use a counselor - Steve Harley?
He has the experience of how/when to do this.
He knows what will work and what you kind of response to expect.

Also, this will help show your wife that you have resolved to get through this.

WHID,,

Prior to my wifes affair I had never had to sit down and tell any woman I had betrayed them.

Well, after my wife had her affair and I found out I went on a rampage of stupid behavior."nothing Violent" thank God,,, but one thing I did do is sllep with another woman while I was separated from my wife. I told her the next day that I had slept with another woman. Even though my wife hurt me it was no better than your mistake with your marriage. Ofcorse I think I wanted to tell my wife just to get even,, let her know how it felt to see the awful images of another in your spouses arms. I regret that I made that decision but I did not tell my wife out of hate or make it hateful when I told her.
I cried and I told her that I was no better than her it was horrible to tell the truth but I knew it had to be done.
Truth is I did not know how my wife would react. She showed little emotion toward it because she was still contacting her lover while we were separated.
However you tell your wife you can bet the tears are going to flow like a river, I can tell you truly regret your mistake. The best advice I can give you is to assure her it was a mistake that you regret but as your wife she has to know, because you do love her. She will prob respond with tears and outburst of anger, go ahead and expect this, no matter what she says what names she may call you keep your anger at bay. Dont give her any more hurt than she has. In other words no blame toward her. She will ask why!!! TRust me we all want to know why. It will be hard for you to even figure out that question, all I can say is try to respond without love busting her. Hold her as tight as you can, if she attempts to leave as I did show effort that you want her to stay,, dont just simply let her leave without her knowing you are torn over your mistake as well. It will be a delicate moment for her,,,,, so be delicate to her feelings.
Really thats about the best I can give you. Just expect it is not going to be easy for her, but also understand it must be done. You can do it,, I know your hurting and scared for your family but it is not lost, you are doing this to save your family, to be honest, and to take the first step of rebuilding your marriage.
My best wishes, and be strong.

WHID,
I realize you still aren't sure what you're going to do, but I think by now you know what the right thing to do is.

If it were me, I would sit my wife down at home in an environment where we can completely focus on ourselves. No kids, no pets, no telephones etc.

I would start by telling her that I love her very much. I would tell her that I have stupidly made the biggest mistake of my life. I would tell her that I would give anything to go back and erase it but that's impossible. Tell her that this is the toughest thing that you've had to do in your entire life. I would then tell her your situation. Tell her and better yet show her how remoreseful you are.

As I've already said be very careful to not come off as rationalizing your behavior. As you said yourself "no excuse, can't blame the alcohol."

If she's like most she'll ask questions. Try to the best of your ability to answer the questions. She may ask similar questions repeatedly over the next few days. Doesn't matter answer the questions again. Don't get angry and say,"I've already answered that."

Earlier someone suggested that you start MC. Are you against MC? If you're not you may want to tell her that your willing to do anything to help her and to improve the marriage.

The longer you put this off the worse the results. It may even get to a point where enough time goes by that she'll assume that you didn't tell her bc you really did have sex with this OW.

I realize that this in not going to be fun.

Mac

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: What_Have_I_done ]</small>

Thanks again for all the help and hope! I'm a firefighter and I work 24 hour shifts. I supposed to work in the morning. I want to call in sick and stay home and deal with this but part of me wants to get away for 24 hours and think. Also we have an "employee assistance program" that I want to look into. Other FF's have used the service in the past. Maybe I just want to run and hide for 24 hours. I'm not sure if I can take another day of this guilt. I'm still lost!

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: What_Have_I_done ]</small>

I've reposted my last messgae to get me near the top of the list.. I still need advice!

Thanks again for all the help and hope! I'm a firefighter and I work 24 hour shifts. I supposed to work in the morning. I want to call in sick and stay home and deal with this but part of me wants to get away for 24 hours and think. Also we have an "employee assistance program" that I want to look into. Other FF's have used the service in the past. Maybe I just want to run and hide for 24 hours. I'm not sure if I can take another day of this guilt. I'm still lost!

I don't mean to be blunt but what other advice do you need or expect to get?

Are you hoping there is someone out there who will tell you that you shouldn't tell your W? Not likely on this site.

mac

i'm not sure if i have the "right" advise for you. we're pretty much in the same boat. about a year ago my husband had an affair w/ a co-worker. 6mths later, i began an affair w/ his best friend/boss. we just decided to "end" the affair since both our marriages were suffering. now i'm faced w/ what to do. do i tell my husband that for the past 5mths i've been screwing his best friend/boss? in my opinion (and again, this may not be the best advise), but if the hurt is going to cause more damage than the one-night stand, and you can handle holding the info in, i don't think there's a need to tell. if you feel what you did has to get out, i can tell you, you will need to hold, hug and love her and kiss her feet for days/weeks/months, answering all questions. if you open up to tell her what you did and then don't want to talk about it when she decides she wants more info, you'll build a hate wall in her heart....all i can say is make sure you're ready for the healing process, it's a long road! as for me, i will probably keep quiet until i understand the consequences of my mistake.

Are you holding out for advice you like better? Because I would wager you aren't going to get it. Might as well call in sick and get it over with. The sooner the better. We will be here for ya afterwards. Be strong, be brave!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JHF:
<strong> i'm not sure if i have the "right" advise for you. we're pretty much in the same boat. about a year ago my husband had an affair w/ a co-worker. 6mths later, i began an affair w/ his best friend/boss. we just decided to "end" the affair since both our marriages were suffering. now i'm faced w/ what to do. do i tell my husband that for the past 5mths i've been screwing his best friend/boss? in my opinion (and again, this may not be the best advise), but if the hurt is going to cause more damage than the one-night stand, and you can handle holding the info in, i don't think there's a need to tell. if you feel what you did has to get out, i can tell you, you will need to hold, hug and love her and kiss her feet for days/weeks/months, answering all questions. if you open up to tell her what you did and then don't want to talk about it when she decides she wants more info, you'll build a hate wall in her heart....all i can say is make sure you're ready for the healing process, it's a long road! as for me, i will probably keep quiet until i understand the consequences of my mistake. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JHF, not to be blunt, but how do you expect to help someone else when you can't even help yourself? The blind can't lead the blind. Your marriage is a wreck and so is his. Just because you choose to lie to your H about your affair, does not mean it's the right advice. It only means that this is the path you have taken as to avoid the consequences of your behavior.

If I knew what I wanted, needed or was looking for I wouldn't be here looking for advice. if everyone told me to keep the secret I wouldn't feel any better so that's not what i'm looking for. I looking for life experience that i don't have. I looking for calm in my caos. Maybe I already have the answers i need but it's obviouse to me I'm still not ready. Not perpared and above all more scared then ever.