Guilty,
Your H is right to think that OM should tell his W. But Om should have done a lot of things including leaving you alone, but he did not. I would bet money had has NOt told his W.
What your H needs to know is that to PROTECT his marriage it maybe necessary for OM's W to know. You could also be the bearer of such hard news but she should know.
As for realizing the pain, I am glad you are finally realizing this. It is deep and it is hard to handle as you can tell if you read someone's line Noodle's post. BUT...your H has made a determination that losing you would hurt him even more. So while he is in pain he never imagined, He can imagine even deeper pain and that is to lose you.
So you need to deal with this by doing what you vowed to do when you married him; LOVE HIM. It is a verb and it really isn't even about feelings although those do come. It is something you can do. The best way to "make up" for this is to make your marriage something special for you and for him. That is how you do it.
When you read Noodle's post you will realize that she is NOT trying to recover, she is simply good at expressing what she "feels" which is an action very much like a WS, acting on feelings rather than love, respect and consideration.
Your H seems to be different, he is trying to recovery. You two can help each other, but do realize he is hurt, and if there is anyone's tender mercies he needs it is YOURS.
You can do this, and I think in the end you both will be rewarded. Think about this.
God Bless,
JL
