Just wanted to add that I do understand 'limited exposure', BUT I do believe that exposure should include the other betrayed spouse, and that for safety reasons the exposure should also include at least one other person in case the adulterers' addiction insanity prompts them to use violence to try to eliminate the 'threat' to their 'happiness'.
And IMHO it's also a good idea, again for safety's sake, to do the exposure in a small group setting. For example, you could have both betrayed spouses there, a close and trusted relative or friend (who is not an adultery endorser), your pastor or counselor (again, if they are not endorsers of adultery). AND do not let the adulterers know that the affair has been discovered before this exposure. Keep in mind how many murders we hear about that were motivated by the the perp wanting to silence a shameful secret by eliminating the ONLY person who knew/disapproved/threatened exposure.
Or if you don't want to do the exposure in a small group setting (like an intervention) then make sure to expose to several people before the adulterers find out you know. Never discuss the discovery or exposure with the adulterers first. Let them find out you know when those you exposed to confront them. And make sure you have a trusted supporter close by the first time you are alone with the adulterer after exposure. Or expose the affair to a few people, then have a trusted friend with you when you confront your wayward spouse with discovery, tellign them in front of the trusted friend who you have already exposed to.
When 'limited exposure' is done this way it reduces the danger and prevents the lingering moral dilemma over failing to tell the other betrayed spouse. And of course it's just plain logical because both betrayed spouses knowing helps ensure the affair will end sooner and is less likely to start up again.
If this doesn't bring an end to the affair, then more exposure can be done (coworkers, more relatives & friends, anyone who would frown upon adultery, wouldn't want the children put through a divorce, etc.) But again, don't discuss this additional exposure ahead of time with the adulterers, just do it and let the adulterers find out because of the fallout.
IMHO the more people who know about the adultery, the safer those who know are.
It's higly unlikely that an enraged and/or cornered adulterer will go on a killing spree to eliminate both betrayed spouses, several relatives (including some of his/her own), the pastor, the counselor, their boss, some friends...
Also, (and I don't think I've seen this discussed here) the adulterers strongly support each others' lunacy, and if they have revealed their adutery to anyone you can bet they've been extra careful to do so only with people they know will 'support' what they're doing. If they are into counseling, it's probably with a pro-adultery counselor. Plus it's pretty common for people to give the adulterers the fals impression that they condone adultery, by joking about it, by 'not getting involved', by keeping their disapproval to themselves (but maybe criticizing or making fun of the adulterers behind their backs), and of course by being adulterers themselves. So it's unfortunately pretty easy for the adulterers to assure themselves that they are developing a circle of 'supporters' when/if it's exposed.
Exposure to a number of people who can be counted on to disapprove adultery, done ASAP after discovery, can counter the adulterers perception that they have an ever-growing support circle.
Another thing is by the times one of the betrayed spouses finds out the adulterers have usually had quite some time to complain to others about how bad their marriage/spouse supposedly is as justification when/if their found out (or as getting ready to divorce their spouse). Exposure being done ASAP can minimize the adulterer's support from people who might be swayed to support the adultery/divorce if they had been hearing complaints about how awful you've made life for the adulterer for an extended period of time. All those situational ethics people are less likely to suuport adultry/divorce if they haven't been pumped full of a lot of spouse/marriage bashing yet.
Another advantage of broader exposure is that all that manipulating the adulterers try to assure the betrayed spouses the affair is just a 'friendship', has ended, won't start up again... OR is going to continue while the adulterers make up their mind (cake-eat) so the betrayed spouse should just sit back and wait...using anger and threats... will be less of a problem. The adulterers can be held accountable to others who are less likely to be emotionally manipulated and abused into submission.
<small>[ March 03, 2005, 06:11 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>
