I'm with you OG! I've had these thoughts many times - both about revenge against her, for being a homewrecker, and against him, for wasting so many years of my life, cheating on me and insisting everything was fine, nothing was wrong, nothing was going on, and I was nuts everytime I asked him what was wrong and begged him to talk to me so we could fix things.....

People here are right about it eating you up inside. You have to get it out of your system.

One way I've done that - for me, a lot of my release is in writing. I get mad, and want them both to hurt as much as I have over all this. I want them both the feel the way I have. So I've written e-mails, several times, to both of them, telling them exactly what I think of them, and what kind of people I think they are - basically, anything going through my mind.

And for me, sometimes, writing those e-mails and then just deleting them wasn't satisfying enough, so several times, I've sent them.

But...... when I do, the address I send them to is never his or her address (well, at least not hers, and not his since I headed down the divorce path....) Nope, I e-mail them to my one or the other of two friends who have gone through all of this with me, and helped me through a lot of it. Not only do I get to tell someone what I'm feeling and get it out, but whichever one I send it to manages to help me past that point, and to comfort me at the same time.

And the e-mails like that to them hae become fewer and fewer.

The last few days, I have had the urge to write my ex and his OW again though. Seeing your message here reminded me why I send those to my friends rather than THEM! The urge for revenge, or to tell them off, or just try and get through to them in SOME way.... I think it (at least for me) it comes from feeling like I don't matter. That they both made it very obvious that what they wanted was far more important than any hurt they would cause me, and that in the case of my ex, he used me. I was his "backup" - he didn't want to let me go until he was sure he had someone else...he told me this flat out, that he couldn't handle being alone, and that's why he hid it all from me, so he'd still have me if things didn't work out with her. So I just desperately want them to both hurt the way I have.

But I realize that all the words in the world from me won't do that. Only time and reality will. He has lied to her and already tried to cheat on her.... she was cheating on her husband with him. So I know that it's only a matter of time before the pain catches up with them. My wanting to tell them things or get revenge is just me knowing that even though it probably will catch up with them, I'll probably never see that. And I want to see it!

It's easy to say let go of it and move on - a whole lot harder to actually do it. For me - I just have to admit that I still have anger, that I'm not quite ready to forgive yet, and find other ways to let it out, like venting to my friends instead. But I don't hold it in and try to pretend that it's all ok when it really isn't either. The more I let it out, the less I feel that way. The trick is finding ways to let it out that you won't be sorry for later! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck with it, and I hope that this helps a little!

10Girl,

I haven't posted for a while mainly because I am also going through all the rage and anger not only at the OM but also my WW. I did a very stupid thing a couple of days ago. While looking through my computer bag, I found some picture negatives that I found on D-Day in my irrational attempt to tear my house apart looking for evidence. On impluse I went and developed the pics and of course there were several of my WW and the OM in bathing suits and in each other's arms. Believe it or not my rage was triggered by the fact that every picture I examined , my WW NEVER had her wedding ring on. She has always sworn to me that it has never left her finger during our marriage.

This small detail may seem stupid but it broke my heart as I hunted through each picture hoping to find evidence of even one day of wear. If I could grade my depression on a 1 to 10 scale( I know you RN's are into pain scales), it would be a 15.

I have been sitting her alternately sobbing and planning the destruction of them both. I gues I'll just stick to the crying.

As always you are always in my prayers.

We all know about the theory of karma, or 3 fold return, or reaping what you sow.

And, I am far down the road, now 4+ years in recovery.

But...the FOW's H (new since A, also my H's former best friend and former housemate when we were separated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> how do you suppose they got together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) is deployed with my H. We sit in the same Family Support Meetings, at least once a month.

She has aggravated so many of the other wives. I never had to say a word against her, her own behavior makes her entirely unlikeable. Though, I'm sure, some of that ugly behavior was for my "benefit", she is thorougly identified as a B*, in fact she sent an email to higher ups that stated she & the other leaders are NOT professional therapists (and, the fun fact, she is a professional military--officer--caregiver, and I'm sure some note was made of that).

I am so glad I never sought revenge. She's burning her own professional, and now deployed spouse, relationship bridges. And, I'm sure no one even notices that I don't say a good word about her...just agree <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And, she doesn't come to the family support wives gatherings. Out trawling for her next male victim?

The only good thing about my H being deployed is he isn't here, now that she's lonely.

Below was the topic of the sermon at church yesterday and I thought of this thread. I hope it helps you, it sure helped me yesterday:

Romans Chapter 12, Versus 17-21

Never repay injury with injury. See that your conduct is honorable in the eyes of all. If possible, live peaceable with everyone. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves; leave that to God’s wrath, for it is written “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, says the Lord.” But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; by doing this you will heap during coals upon his head. Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.

Thanks for that Kloe....it's just so hard to stick to it at times.

I've been having a real rough time with it today, and ended up finding this. Funny how God works sometimes...when I went looking for it, I was looking for a club to hit my ex in the head with, and guess who got the 2x4 instead? Yep, me!

http://www.bible.com/answers/aforgive.html

Wow.Thanks again everyone.I read each and every post slowly and absorb everything that is said.I really appreciate it.

The rage part of the revenge is almost gone but the rest still lingers,like a sore that doesn't heal.I contemplate it everyday and wonder what to do.I agree that what goes around comes around and God is the judge,jury and executioner,if you will but it is still hard for me to let go.I know I would never do anything serious enough to warrant my arrest but I am much more patient and creative too which means the homewrecker would never know when or where and she'd be guessing who.I would not be so obvious.

Anyway,I am still working hard at putting that junk behind me.I know I have it the best I could with everyone in both our families completely denying her access to any one of us no matter what happens and that I have my beloved children and home.

I have to keep remembering that God will find a way to make her pay and it should not be me.I want to retain my dignity and integrity and I need to stop thinking about these awful thoughts.I should have better things to do with my time.It's just hard because I also know that her crackpot parents are the product of adultery too so they are merrily supporting them both in their disgusting behavior.Ooh,now I am getting mad again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I cannot believe hurtful people like this exist.It is SO hard for me to get over that.

I think once this D goes through,everything is separated and I don't need to see or talk to WH at all I will let this go.No that's not true.I might.I have to deal with the possibility that the HW will be moving closer to me since my WH cannot move away if we D.That means it is up to her to make the move if they are going to make a go of the disgusting "relationship", if that's what I can call it.I can't think about that now.It turns my stomach.

Well,thank you all again.You are all in my prayers as we deal with this horrific trauma.And,on a side note,I did not post to the topic believer started about WS's and why they stay here on MB(as a courtesy) but I found that thread to be disturbing.You will never convince me that a WS has any pain near that of a BS.Not that we are in some kind of competition but while they(WS's) are off happily engaged in their new found "love",sleeping around,going out to dinner,traveling,watching movies,writing love notes and e-mails,etc,we are left behind dying,trying to figure out what the he** went wrong and how to just survive despite the enormous betrayal.It's this type of discussion that brings it all right back to me like a ton of bricks.

Tomorrow is another day.Take care all.

O

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

O, I'm curious.

You still have contact with your H. Why?

Your situation parallels mine somewhat, why no Plan B? Why wait for D?

Maybe the complete avoidance of him will cool your anger somewhat and leave you open to reconciliation should Rumpelstiltskin ever wake up.

Binder,

My WH refuses to stay away from the home completely because he was told,rightly so,that he should not be out of the home and he has rights to the home as well.

Right now he lives with his boss 3 hours away so he can be closer to work.Some people here know that his career has always come first to one degree or another which meant we were always picking up and moving to follow him around from company to company except when he owned his own business.We have finally moved into our "dream" home and then he committed adultery a year later.Suffice it to say I am not moving ever again unless I am forced out at gunpoint.lol.I am DONE following my WH around.So,he goes and works where the big money is.

Anyway,he comes home to see the children on the weekends which REALLY upsets me but there was nothing I could do legally so I decided to file for a D among other reasons too.The last few weekends were good ones for us all and I think WH sees what a happy time he had and how nice it was for us to be together(sort of doing a plan A).He likes what I have done with the home(redecorating)and has been crying a lot when he comes home.BUT,he still does nothing to change the inevitable outcome so far.We have our first mediator meeting together next month to get things really going in the courts.I'm not in a Plan B at all,just heading toward a D and trying to be as pleasant as I can(gag) when he is here.I also try to be gone when he comes home or ask him to take the kids out.It's a tough living situation which I can't wait to end.I am slowly getting there though.It is difficult to say the least.

I hope that answers your question.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

OG

Have you ever thought of trying Plan B?

I have no experience with Plan B but you said he has been coming home on weekends, and the past few have been good ones and he has been crying at these times. Maybe he realizes at some level what he is throwing away but still fence sits because he gets his "fix" of old home life to a degree.

Maybe a Plan B - find someone else to mediate visitation with the kids away from home. Maybe that will really shock him and get him finally jump off the fence?

Are you heading towards D b/c you want it or b/c it seems he does? I know he is with OW and that apparently shows he "wants" her but with his recent behavior and "good" weekends, maybe he needs a Plan B push?

I don't know whether I am stating this well. Do you know what I am saying? Just curious.

Hi Fraggles,

I have long since done a Plan B.I've done all the plans,all the work,all the waiting,etc,etc.That's why I am filing for a D.I could not continue any longer in the present situation.I was slowly being "tortured" and I respect myself more.I reached my limit too which for me came along one day where I just FELT like I had enough.My WH was doing nothing to save our marriage and not really making any serious attempts at being with the homewrecker.Just seeing her one weekend a month after spending time with his kids the other three.

Now he thinks it is a good idea to D since I made the decision.I told him just recently that it's up to him to make the changes necessary if he wants to save our marriage and family and if we mean anything to him at all.I am ready to go through with it though.Very much so.He knows he can put a stop to everything and that there is a chance even up until the eleventh hour.But at this point,he would have to do a HUGE amount of work for me to even consider taking him back.Right now I don't really want him back anyway.He's let this go on far too long and it makes me realize how little he values a marriage,family,home and fatherhood.Not to mention trust,love and integrity.He thinks what he is doing is for love.Well he got an earful of what I think about him doing all that he has for "love".Puke. He hasn't a clue.

Nope.I have had it so if he wants to make things better,it will be his decision but I really don't think he will do anything but let the D go through.He's going to give it a shot and see what happens.He told my SIL that if it doesn't work out with the homewrecker,he will come back to me begging and pleading. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Like I am just going to be here waiting with open arms and stop time while he goes off to his other life.

O

You go girl!!!

I have been following your story for awhile now....you know you need to focus on you....but I have also had this sort of revenge or let me spoil the party type of thoughts too. Nothing serious, but I would like to let her parents know in a respective manner at some point in time when it's over to let them know their beloved SIL did everything he could for their daughter.