</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> But it sounds as if he doesn't want to confront him.


WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean, WAT? This is a boy. It's very courageous that he has decided he will have nothing to do with his dad. Cutting off your father is most certainly not condoning it! Why would you call her boy a hypocrite??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:


My feeling right now is, if I catch him calling OW while he's here, I will tell him to leave - go to plan B.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't like your plan too much.... except for the Plan A part of it....

Did you know that FULL exposure is a MAJOR part of plan A and not an accessory to be added on just in case "being nice" does not work?

Exposure helps stop FUTURE affairs as well....!!!!!!

Because the consequence of being exposed suck!

If you don't catch him calling OW, is that enough for you?

Think about this..... let's say your H returns to the marriage and you never exposed his affair.... HOW WILL YOU FEEL SAFE that he's not cheating again, but is just much better at not getting caught?

If he is exposed, he must explain himself to his family ... and doing THAT is PART of his recovery.

Pep

Mel - he's 30 years old. He's taking a passive role while his Dad blatantly contradicts the way he raised him. And I imagine he's party to keeping the affair secret from WH's sister.

That's all I'll say about this.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> Mel - he's 30 years old. He's taking a passive role while his Dad blatantly contradicts the way he raised him. And I imagine he's party to keeping the affair secret from WH's sister.

That's all I'll say about this.

WAT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT, this is still not an indication that he is a HYPOCRITE and I am just shocked that you called him that. Hypocrisy means that you profess a certain belief that you don't really believe and that is certainly not the case here. There is not some Christian mandated recipe for handling every situation so I don't know where this standard comes from that you are attempting to hold him to. You are holding him to your standard instead.

Thanks, all...

We have not attended church for some years. WH was brought up in a strict, religious home, although he was somewhat rebellious as a teen.

WH has thrown aside all his moral beliefs.

Our children were brougt up in same religion.

Son does not condone WH's A. Daughter does not either. We have all talked about it a lot.

D says "kick him to the curb".

S very disappointed - used to say WH was the last good man left (very idealistic).

I don't know if the anti-D are kicking in or what, but I'm just getting tired of all this. I don't want to feel like I'm being put to the test.

WH and I have been together for 32 years. He knows what I am.

From reading all the replies, I am seeing things from a different point of view. I not first on WH list. OW and job are.

Should I keep in Plan A, expose the A to his family, and just let things take their course????

Or, if I get fed up, do I go to Plan B? A is still going on. I know I'm worth more than this stupid fight for someone who still says he loves me.

I need HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K,

I would suggest staying in Plan A for a while longer until after the affair is exposed. Exposure may be enough to end the affair. Exposure will also be a lovebuster and you need to be in Plan A to overcome it.

Try this first and then we can discuss Plan B. Just relax, though, this will all work out.

Another thing I would start thinking about is living together in the future. One of the reasons this has all happened is because your H lives far away from you.

Thanks, Mel....

The A started 2 years before WH move to the town where he works. He said we would save gas, he would save time. Also easier to keep up his A with no interference.

The area we are from is rural, and many people commute, some farther than 60 miles to work.

I will stay in Plan A, expose the A to his family, and see what happens.

Thanks again, K

KL, I see. So he moved there in order to faciliate the affair?

What was your marriage like before this happened? What need do you think the OW is filling that has attracted him to her? Do you think you fulfilled his needs?

Mel,

Two years before he moved to his apartment, on the eve of my 50th Bday, he was acting funny, like he was irritated with me.

I asked him what was wrong... He said he wasn't attracted to me any more. Mentioned something about my weight. Hurt my feelings, and started to cry.

Same thing happened the night before my Bday party. He has told me since he was trying to talk to me, but he was being mean about everything.

Had a hysterectomy two weeks later. He took excellent care of me after. I went back to work about 4 weeks after.

Then, the night of his Christmas party for work, his boss called and asked if he was home (I couldn't go, still recovering and tired). I said no, he's with you isn't he? Boss said WH had a little too much to drink, then disappeared.

I frantically tried his cell phone for about an hour. Then he called. He said he stopped at a restaurant to drink coffee before driving home.

Have recently discovered that his was the first time he had sex with OW.

Must have felt guilty, was very good for three months, then fell back into his usual irritation with everything, and everyone here. Always griping about everything. No doubt that's when he started seeing OW again.

Was wondering about his behavior, but didn't want to see, I guess.

Then, May 15, 2004 I contracted genital herpes from him. The cat was out of the bag.

WH led me to believe it was a one time thing. Bad behavior, lies, etc. continued. We went to MC, had some good talks, then I found his "pimp" phone, saw he was still in contact with OW.

He called her from here on July 5, I looked at his cell phone while he was in the shower. He was mad when I confronted him with this.

Said, "that's it, I'm leaving". I said, "Yes, you need to leave." Didn't speak to him for one week.

When he came here, he told me he realized he still loves me. Went to MC. He told her the truth, then later told me all.

He says he can't be himself with me ("Doesn't that waitress have a great [censored]?", and me not get hurt or upset by his comments). When he is with OW he is a kind and gentle person. He can talk to her about anything, say anything, and her feelings won't be hurt.

He says it's not the sex. We've always enjoyed a great sex life.

We have also done recreational things together (scuba diving, etc.) I don't think OW does those things with him.

I've always told him how I admire him.

Just don't know anymore. Maybe I have always been jealous because he acts nicer and friendlier to other women than he does to me. I see that now.

What's your take on this?

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>