Is this okay or am I trying too hard to protect him? I didn't mention either of our names but I'm sure if they check her phone calls they'll find out it's him anyway.

Dear Mr. & Mrs. A,

I wanted to inform you of some troubling information that involves your daughter J. Please know that I have been struggling with this information in hopes that the circumstances would change but I believe that your daughter’s well being is the most important thing right now. I have found information that my husband has had an “emotional affair” with your daughter since early May during her classes with the so and so Club. I know they both attend classes throughout the week but I know that most of their contact was initiated on Thursdays before class. As far as I know the relationship consisted mainly of phone calls, texts, hugs and kissing (all things that are inappropriate for a married man to be doing escpecially with one so young).
I wanted to make you aware of the situation and that I in no way condone the actions of my husband. I don't wish any harm on him but his behavior in this matter must stop. I'm not sure if my husband knew exactly what age J was when this started but I also wanted you to know that both my husband and J were fully aware of his marital status at the time this started. I believe that J had stopped attending the class upon my discovering this information and at my husband's and my request but returned a few days later when questions arose to why she had stopped.
I think it would be in J’s best interests if she discontinued her fencing lessons in order to stop this affair from going any further. My husband has informed me that he has stopped communication with J other than ordinary contact during class but I have no way of proving this claim as my access to his phone records has been blocked. I found it alarming that she returned as soon as my husband and I had separated and continued their calls for some time after this. I am hoping that things truly are as he says but the chance of it not being so is too great for me just to ignore. Please accept my apology for not coming to you sooner. This has been a tough time for me to try and understand how this could have happened. I hope you understand my fears of her continuing at this club both for your daughter and my husband’s sake. Unfortunately, I can not convince my husband to stay away from the club and I’m afraid that since we are now separated their inappropriate relationship may resume if it ever stopped at all.

Sincerely,
Concerned Wife

Enclosed is a copy of an e-mail sent from your daughter to my husband.

(her letter includes comments about their first kiss... Blah!)

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

#1. What is the purpose of the letter ?

#2. What do you want the letter to accomplish ?

#3. Who else have you exposed the A to ?

There is a difference between exposure and trying to gain allies. That is what you letter sounds like to me. I could be wrong.

In my opinion, you've included way too much information.

I like it. The tone was sad, but factual. Seems about right.

Pep

This must have been very difficult to write... are you OK?

Pep

Almost everyone that we know knows about it. My family, his family, and our friends. I don't think her parents are aware of what was going on. (She is 15 or 16, and still attending his classes) I guess my reasons for wanting to send the letter is to keep H from getting in more trouble with a minor. I've been told by people around me that her parents should know. I don't think they would let her go there if they knew this was going on. I don't know, I'm still hesitant to send anything.

GBM,

I have a 17 yr old D. If I got this letter, I would FREAK out. Not on D. My first call would be to the police. Not a single doubt in my mind. My first obligation in life is to protect my child.

Gosh, this is out of my league completely. Maybe Pep could be of more help ?

As Pep asked, how are you doing ?

Just imagine yourself as the girl's mother (hard, I know).... but the attached email from OG (other girl) to your H will take her Mom's breath away...

and action will follow.

It won't be pretty... but this is what it is... a man and a girl in an inappropriate relationship.

Pep

It was very hard to write. I was trying not to make it seem worse than it was because there are a lot of things I don't know. H thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion. I didn't tell him I wrote it. I can't even bear to talk to him right now even though I wish I could hear his voice. I'm not calling him. He doesn't even know that I didn't leave today like I was going to. I couldn't take the drive today. I was too upset after the last letter he sent me.

I'm looking into legal seperation to see if we can make finacial arrangements for our debt and expenses. I just don't want to get caught with all of the debt if something happens to him. I'm really having a hard time right now and I know it's only going to get worse in the next few days.

This week has also been tough back here at my mom's since I have a bunch of cousins getting married and having kids in the next few months. I thought we were almost at the point to start thinking about those things. I was supposed to get my degree next year, start my career, pay off our debt, get our own home and then kids. I expected that would happen in the next few years and now it seems so far off if it ever happens. I can't see myself having children with someone other than him. Maybe that will change but right now I find it sad to even see babies. I guess that's normal.

I don't think my H realizes that he is a married adult. I think he still thinks he's 20 and single like when I met him. I had just turned 17 when I met him and our physical relationship moved really fast. I'm afraid he'll have another lapse of judgement and do more than he has now, especially in the state he seems to me in now.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 04:20 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Hi GBM -

I like ladyinred's response to you. I think she knows what she is talking about as far as your husband having problems. He is a teacher and violated the parent/teacher trust as well as society's trust in him when he decided to take up with this young student.

I also like the letter you wrote to the girls parents. It does sound compassionate and you do sound concerned for her. You are too close to her age to realize the entire implications of of an innapropriate relationship with a 15 yr old.

I know also that you are dealing with a broken heart and unbearable pain of your own. You love your husband and that is understandable.

I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Weaver

This will be a nuclear bomb on the affair if the girl's parents are responsible parents.

But I think your attempt to classify this as an "emotional" affair is naive and will be lost on the parents who likely won't know what you mean. Further, when I experienced them, a kiss is quite physical. That's PA in my book.

Also, the parent's reaction could be, "Why don't you control your husband?" or, "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

Finally, jersey may have it right - the first call may be to the police. Oh well.

Send it and take shelter.

....and, why not stand tall and sign your name?

If they can find out anyway from phone records, why hide?

Revealing your identity up front gives you more credibility in the long run, I believe.

WAT

Thanks guys, today I leave for my trip back up there. I have to say that I am not in a happy mood for it. When this all began I always figured that when I made my trip back there I would be going back to him. That obviously is not the case now. I don't know how I'm going to face him. I always thought this would be temporary but as the days pass it's becoming clearer that this too will not be the case. I really appreciate your support and comments. I am considering signing my name on the letter but I don't know if I can. I just hope I have the strength to send the letter and I hope I don't fall back into doing whatever he wants me to do when I do see him again. I have this problem where I always want to please the people around me and it gets me in trouble a lot. I hate having to hurt the one I love but it is obvious that he doesn't feel the same about me. Wish me luck on my trip, my packing, and my move. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Good luck dear, and YOU are stronger than you know.

Be sure to let us know what is going on.


God bless you and keep you.


Weaver

Almost everyone that we know knows about it. My family, his family, and our friends. I don't think her parents are aware of what was going on. (She is 15 or 16, and still attending his classes) I guess my reasons for wanting to send the letter is to keep H from getting in more trouble with a minor

Too Late...he is already in deep kimchee.

By NOT exposing this inappropriate and unlawful relationship, all of you have aided and abetted it.

You realize that you could be found culpable...don't you?

I'm sorry...I would be going to the school board with that evidence and to the police.

I'm afraid that you cannot see this from a "mother's view", because if you did...you would do WHATEVER is necessary to stop it.

It's a good thing that this forum is anonymous or it would be done for you.

JMHO
committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that your daughter’s well being is the most important thing right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Somehow I find this hard to believe that you are truly concerned with this at all or you would realize that your very first obligation would be to call the police.

Is the intent of the letter to expose the A or are you also hoping that someone else will call the police for you. You still won't be off the hook. You know that your H is having an A with a minor child and you are doing nothing to protect her. Are you sure they haven't had sex yet....or is he taking the Bill Clinton stance on the issue and you're buying it?

I feel bad for your situation, but I feel worse for the young girl. She is a victim of your H and of you if you continue to be a Do Nothing bystander.

By sending this letter I'm hoping to stop the interactions between the two of them and let the parents know so that they can get her help.

As a child, I was abused emotionally, sexually, and physically by an older sibling. I didn't want it to come out because of embarrassment and I didn't want him to get in trouble. Luckly, he wasn't of age yet so he wasn't prosecuted for it. If I reported this to the police I know that everyone's world would be put in the spotlight including the girl's. It is true that I really don't care about the girl. Even though she is a minor I still hold a lot of anger toward her and my H. I'm doing this because it is the right thing to do. I don't want to do this, but I have to. By telling her parents I thought it would be the best way to get things rolling. I guess I want her family to decide how public they want to make the situation. I tried to tell H's friend who is a teacher about the situation because they are required by law to report any suspicions but he refused to listen to me and wrote a really nasty letter back saying that it was my problem and he didn't want to get involved. At this point I think I've told everyone I know except his employers and her parents who would be the ones to get the authorities involved.

I'm pretty sure that they haven't had sex. Her parents are pretty strict with her as far as I know, so they could only meet while he was at work. I don't want to be dragged down in this mess but I guess I already am. I know that once I report him I will be hated by his family and our friends live up there. There's just no way around it.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 04:22 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Good - you're only 25.

I'm twice your age and started a new long term relationship in the past two years.

This guy's going down the tubes and is in big trouble.

Please consider cutting your losses and find a real man with whom you can start a family, if a family is your dream.

WAT