I just spoke with someone from church about what needs to be done for an annulment. I don't know. For some stupid reason I still don't want my M to end. I still miss my H.

Ivory, I love your name change, nice choice. Of course you miss your H but you need some time to get the basics taken care of first. Get settled, get a job, get back to school. Take care of yourself, b/c he's certainly not going to. As far as the legalities of your marriage go, you have time to deal with those. Don't be dumping more on your plate than you need to at one time.

Have you sent the "you know what"???? That is the one thing you need to do ASAP.

Keep out of H's way, he is untrustworthy and not to be counted on. Child molesters seldom are, you know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The more you wait to deal with the parents, the more you are going to be vulnerable to H and his machinations. Please Ivory, do what you KNOW you need to do. Don't get all caught up in misty thoughts of H that you screw this one up. Do the right thing, RIGHT NOW. KB

Ivy, (may we call you Ivy now?)

It appears to have been a busy weekend for both of us. We are putting in a new yard. I do not mind all the ditch digging, brush cutting and rock hauling but I’ve been there done that. I think young people should learn the benefits of hard manual labor the way I did, so I am getting help. Yeah right. It may sound like a noble sentiment but in all honesty I just feel too old for all that work. So we hired a homeless gentleman from a local mission. Good worker, too.

Anyway. I did not log in over the weekend. I did send a message to my nephew in Chicago. Have not heard back from him yet. They were away for the weekend. He is a corporate/tax attorney so he is not the right person to help you directly but his firm has legal contacts all over the state. I am not kidding when I say I come from a family of lawyers. There are seven in my immediate family and another half dozen among cousins, nieces and nephews. My dad never got over his disappointment when I didn’t go to law school, even though I was accepted. (Engineering and Physics is so much more interesting.)

I am rambling. Back to you. Most cities of any size have a legal drop-in clinic. Sometimes the help is free, sometimes it is on an ability to pay basis. Check into one in your area while I wait to hear what my nephew says.

Also, remember to stay away from your H. He spells trouble with a capital T, even though you probably don’t live in River City.

My wife, S_, suggests you take a policeman with you when you get your things. Explain what is going on to him. Tell him you are afriad for your safty. It will be a clear demonstration to your H and his family that you are in control. And it will be useful in the future when they try to paint you as the bad guy. You are not crazy, not at fault, and not guilty of any crime. Protect yourself. And one ounce of prevention is worth a pound of dealing with whenever your H may try later.

And either send the letter, or better yet, take it to the legal clinic and show it to them first. You want to demonstrate your concern. You want to demonstrate this is not vengeance or acting out. Show them you belive it is necessary to protect both the girl and your H from their stupidity.

One last thing, please talk to that priest again. Get yourself on a spiritual growth program. Participate in the sacraments. And know yourself!

With our prayers,
S and T

PS: Regarding an annulment – don’t worry about that yet. It requires being divorced for a year first, in most diocese. A lot can happen in that time.

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>

IvoryIvy,

If you need stamps, I'd be happy to send them to you.

If you have the 37 cents that are required to purchase a stamp, well, then go to your local post office, campus bookstore, or whatever, and buy them.

Then put the darned letter in the mail.

"This week" is an excuse, it seems to me. What's stopping you? Come on, really. What's stopping you? What are you afraid of?

I s'pose it's always possible that you're pulling all our legs, but so far your story hangs together pretty well. So please, do the right thing.

Oh, and if you're looking for a private and safe place to talk about some of the abuse stuff, there's a private board over on another forum that focuses on past sexual abuse and how it can affect a marriage and your current actions. You can find it at Save Your Marriage Central. First you join the board, and then you e-mail one of the moderators to get access to the private area. If you do go over there, tell 'em J sent you.

^bump^ for ivoryivy

Okay, here is my update for today. Last night I met with the head of my RCIA group at church to talk about what to do during reconciliation. After hearing my situation she invited me to come back later on to meet with the "Theology on Tap" group at my church. They are a group of young adults who meet to discuss theology and other things. The speaker was really great. I felt a little uncomfortable as I always do around people from church but they were all very nice and helpful. Some even invited me to have a drink with them after the meeting and we had a pretty good time. For the first time in a while I slept alright.

It's nice meeting these nice people but I still feel a bit out of place. Some of the people were very conservative and were talking about pro-life things all night which made me feel like an outsider for just going to planned parenthood and getting those pills.

Anyway, I opened my bank account. That was good I guess. Today I got an e-mail about pre-ordering the Tour de France DVD and I almost forwarded it to my H but held myself back. I find myself hoping to run into him or hoping he will call but I don't think that's in my best interest. It's hard not to want to be with the person you thought you would never have to live without.

I have some appointments today to see some more rooms. Overall, I'm just a little bummed today. I still don't want to be doing any of this.

I know that keeping the letter is making it harder to send. I keep thinking maybe I was blowing things out of proportion. I don't know. His family is known throughout the city. His dad writes a column in the local paper. No matter how bad this all is I'm afraid to make it any worse. I know I still have to send the letter. I was just hoping that I would have been able to clear my things from the house before I did. I don't want to have to go back there once this is all out. I don't think they would be physically cruel to me but they will probably make it the most uncomfortable and hard thing for me to do. I wanted to get the legal help in order to protect me from getting stuck with all of his debt if he lost his job. I know this is all very selfish of me. I'm feeling guilty about everything right now. I feel guilty that I am going to ruin my H. I feel guilty that I'm not a good catholic. I feel guilty that I've allowed this to go on and not acting sooner. I feel guilty because I am being selfish. I feel guilty for not wanting to be alone at night. I feel guilty for letting everyone down and I feel guilty for letting this happen to me.

I don't know. I don't know why I still want to protect him. I keep wavering. I can't help it. I just want things to be normal again. It's really stupid because I can see what would have happened to me if this A never happened and my future would not have been good but I still long for that future. Isn't that silly? I'm still really confused. Sometimes I think I see a clear path but it never stays long enough for me to take it. Does that even make any sense? I'm starting to feel like I really am messed up. I can't make any decisions. Even when good things pop up I'm hesitant yet when bad things come up I walk blindly toward them.

Hopefully this is just temporary.

Originally posted by ivoryivy:
I know this is all very selfish of me. I'm feeling guilty about everything right now. I feel guilty that I am going to ruin my H.
************
KB:
He did that all by himself, remember? You wouldn't have this burden to protect the girl if he hadn't overstepped with her.
************
Ivory:
feel guilty that I'm not a good catholic.
************
KB:
I'm not Catholic but I do know that you can lay your burdens at the foot of the cross. Jesus died because we are sinners, remember?
************
Ivory:
I feel guilty that I've allowed this to go on and not acting sooner.
************
KB:
And just how were you supposed to figure this out all on your own? You are miles away from friends and family are you not?

**************
Ivory:
I feel guilty because I am being selfish.
**************
KB:
Selfish how? You slipped up once if that's what you're talking about, but I wouldn't attribute that to selfishness.
**************
Ivory:
I feel guilty for not wanting to be alone at night.
**************
KB:
Most people don't like being alone at night, don't feel guilty about it and for God's sake don't do anything about it!
***************
Ivory:
I feel guilty for letting everyone down and I feel guilty for letting this happen to me.
***************
KB:
Well, I don't know if you meant us, but you didn't. We all want to see you succeed and will take as much time as needed to help you through this, as much as we can. Your courage in the face of a very great trial is an inspiration but we don't expect you to be perfect!

We just want you to be safe and learn how to take good care of you. You really do have a lot of personal potential, Ivory. You have some real grit and that's what it's going to take to get through this.

We'll be with you, promise. We'll try not to "let" you take yourself and your boundaries for granted ok? One thing is check out the link that Just J gave you and ask to get into the private board. It would be helpful for you, I think.

You are getting a lot done it seems. I see the wisdom of waiting to get your things before you send the letter. Have you looked up the legal clinic yet? One more thing to do tommorrow, right? You can do it.

***************
Ivory:
Hopefully this is just temporary.
****************
YES! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

Ivy,

Does it feel like sending the letter will be like jumping off a cliff? Or maybe leaping off of a bridge into deep dark water not knowing what is down there? Will it be the final blow to your marriage?

That’s the way I would feel in your position. That is the way I felt when I went to confront OMM. I did not know what would happen. I was afraid it meant the end of my M. It was as if there was this big red button I was about to push that was going to blow up my entire world. It meant the end of everything dear and important to me with no chance to get any of it back. I was afraid. I did not want to do it.

But I prayed to God that He would help me do the right thing. Not just for me but for my wife, for our son and yes, even for OMM. I prayed as I drove all the way to his office. At one point I got out and knelt by the side of the road (I must have looked pretty weird to the people driving by) and asked God for a sign that I was doing the right thing. It’s a big building and I did not know where his office is located. I bargained with God (not a good thing to do, in general) that if I could find him I would talk to him but if I could not find him I would take that as a sign He did not want me to talk to him.

I parked my truck and walked to the main door of the building. As I was nearing it a fancy sports car came around the corner and parked in an executive spot near the door. I didn’t pay much attention to it. The guy got out of his car and headed for the door. I reached the door slightly ahead of him and held it open. It was OMM. I did not recognize him; I saw his name on his ID badge. He recognized me, I don’t know how, ducked his head and tried to scoot by. I blocked the doorway and told him we needed to talk.

Why am I telling you this? Well, on DDay, about 2 in the morning, I felt so bad hearing about my wife’s affair I denied God. I had been praying daily for five years that the affair was over and we would have a happy-ever-after marriage. When I heard that all these prayers, worry and effort made no difference whatsoever I thought there must not be a God for this to happen to me after all. And I said it out loud. I sinned directly against God. You think you have done wrong. What I did is much, much worse. When I could have reached out to my God, I denied him instead. I felt terrible and totally unworthy of his slightest consideration for the rest of my life. I felt emptied of life.

I repented, of course. I took it back within days. But I figured I was on my own after that. I did not deserve the time of day from God after denying Him. Well, as little as I deserved it he still delivered OMM right into my hands. (OMM turned out to be a user with little conscience – but that’s a different post.)

I have had other miracles large and small since then. (And some of those are for another day, also). But every time I have needed help in all this misery and loss, I have received it. Every time I have needed to make a difficult choice, when I turn to God I have received the help I need.

Intellectually you know what is right. Emotionally, it’s a different thing altogether, isn’t it?

So, do not be afraid. Pray for yourself. Pray for the strength to do the right thing. Pray for the strength to protect that child. Pray to do the right things to protect even your husband. He is in the deep dark cold water already and needs an intervention. You will be answered.

Ask some of the parents in your RCIA class what they would want you to do.

Oh, and go find the nearest legal clinic. They are there to help people in these situations.

We trust you,
S and T

Ivoryivy,

You're having a down day, and that's to be expected - l won't go over the same territory as Thos and KB because I haven't much time...if I did have more time I would say the same kind of things.

But as to feeling like you don't belong at your church, and feeling guilty about going to Planned Parenthood and the pill you just took...

Don't stop going to your church....you have no idea what any of the other people in your church have done in their lives either - Jesus came to save us all, and as KB said, we are all sinners....we don't have to be worthy of his love....he loves us the way we are....you belong in your church as much as any other person....

I am a Catholic, I go to church, I read the Bible everyday...and I am the one who recommended you go to Planned Parenthood and ask for the morning-after pill....maybe I am a bad Catholic for giving you that advice, but I thought it was the right thing to do in the situation....to relieve your anxiety....the anxiety of worrying if you are pregnant or not can be extreme....during my H's first EA, I got pregnant, and it is too dangerous for me to have any more children....but my H, being a "good" Catholic, refused to use birth control...I slipped up counting the days because I was trying to save my marriage....thankfully, I miscarried, but the miscarriage did not go to plan, and I eventually had to go in for a D&C anyway....

You may not have conceived...but in my opinion, it was better to take the pill and relieve you of the anxiety, than to put you through the crippling worry you would experience if you didn't....

I take responsibility for advising you to do this...if I have sinned in doing so, its between me and God....

You have a lot on your plate and you are doing very well....you are bound to have down days....but with help, you will make it through this....

Thos is right...God is always there for us...I had to find out the hard way that He is always there for me....I am sure that if you pray, you will receive His love and guidance....

Wishing you well....

LIR