has anyone ever had a successful relationship with the person they had an affair with?? i have such genuine loving feelings for this person and everyone is telling me that its just an enfactuation or a fantasy wold..........but i truely love him and i know he feels the same about me...all replys would be much appreciated

lhc, you're looking for someone to tell you that this affair is okay. Most people are telling you that it's not and that you can't be happy. But let me tell you..keep asking the question and you are going to eventually hear what you want to hear--regardless of how true or not true it is.

Have you read through this site? Did you read that most affairs end within six months once everyone knows about it and you're forced to deal with your lover on a real-life basis?

I'm not going to say what you want to hear so I don't think you'll take what I say seriously, but I'm going to say it anyway. I believe that you are in love with your lover. But this love affair is based on a lie and has nothing to do with the truth. You're in a fantasy right now. Your lover is doing everything right and nothing wrong. You're not giving your spouse the CHANCE to restore your love for him. I firmly believe that if you were to end your marriage and marry your lover, that you would eventually end up in the same position now because you have not learned how a marriage works. I believe that you'll both reach a time where you cannot meet each other's needs and you'll be love busting all over the place.

You are *already* married. It is LIKELY that it would be easier to save this marriage so that you're both happy and fulfilled than it would be to start over in a new R with your lover. This would mean a divorce, families and friends hurt. It would mean starting a new relationship from scratch with your lover. Why? Because everything you have had up to now is a lie..it is not the WHOLE truth. You will each have to learn how to fully meet each others needs and how to avoid hurting the other person. Why go through all this when it is LIKELY that you can achieve this with your spouse?

I bet you could find someone to answer this question with a "yes" faster if you stand out in front of your market and inquire to every person exiting the store:

"Have you ever known anyone to have a successful relationship with their affair partner?"

But for now, you may want to define what you consider to be "successful relationship". You will get more responses that way.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

But, if you want to become a fully balanced pollster.... I suggest you ~also~ ask people exiting from your market:

"Have you ever known anyone who had their heart broken by an affair?"

Just to get all sides....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

I think you meant to visit www.affairbuilders.com

Down the hall on the left. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

lonely,

I am starting to wonder why you are asking the same question. There are just so many ways to ask it...and if you are looking for a different answer than you got on the other thread, you might end up being disappointed.

I do know one thing...there have been a couple of posters here that are now in marriages with their affair partners. I an assure you that they are NOT posting about the wonderful lives they are living.

They are posting because they are unhappy in their marriage and because they are now being cheated on. What a shock... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So, you tell me...what is it that you want from the people here?

committed

Committed - ditto that.

All though I broke off the engagement to former MM, it has been one hell of a ride. The pain for all involved has been tremendous. The issues of trust seem insurmountable to me, and the love I have is filled with pain and doubt.

Is this what you want lonely. It has been the hardest three years of my life. I did not know he was married and he divorced his wife as soon as I found out, but the lie and deception lives on, and on, and on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonelyheartsclub:
<strong> wold..........but i truely love him and i know he feels the same about me...all replys would be much appreciated </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I betcha your children "truly love" having 2 parents in the home, don't they? I wonder, does their welfare ever enter your mind or are they just easier to sacrifice for your heat de' jour?

Instead of acting like an alley cat in heat, why not ask yourself what is best for your children and act accordingly?

Lonely,
Let me be sure I have this correct...

You post here 2 days ago about your love for the OM. You get a bunch of replies on how to try to repair your marriage, give your children a chance at a happy home and break off the affair. You do not reapond to any of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now you start a new thread on MARRIAGEBUILDERS asking about the happiness of relationships that come from affairs?

You have come to the wrong place my dear...If you want justification for adultary find another site.

I won't waste my time with you any further.

You Cannot start a new relationship UNTIL you understand WHY you previous relationship did not SUCCEED and you also NEED to UNDERSTAND the CHANGES that you MUST make in yourself to SUSTAIN an INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, CONTRARY to MISGUIDED POPULAR BELIEF the CHALLENGES in any RELATIONSHIP are the RESPONSIBLITY of BOTH parties. YOU MUST FIX YOU OR YOU ARE BOUND TO REPEAT THE PAST...

All moral issues aside:
You cannot start a new intimate relationship until you have done everything possible to succeed in your present relationship. LOVE isnot ENOUGH! Didn't you LOVE you current S? WHAT HAPPENED? NO it isn't not ALL your SPOUSES FAULT, You are 100% responsible for the current state of your M, Your Spouse is also 100% responsible for the state of your M.


Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?
Are you getting this?


Reread this until you get it.

GROW

<small>[ July 25, 2004, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

A few people have successful marriages with their affair partners. But not people in romantic affairs, people like you who want to throw their spouse overboard because they suddenly feel "in love" with somebody else.

Frank Pittman, author of the book Private Lies, states that a very large majority of people who divorce their spouses while committing adultery regret their decision. The numbers for affairs that become successful second marriages are awful. Only a few percent at best, and those are cases where the first marriage suffers as a result of abuse, addiction to substances, or philandering.

There are obvious reasons relationships based on affairs fail. The affair partners both know the trust the other was willing to betray, and have a difficult time trusting each other once the relationship exits the "romance" phase. Which all do. This intrusion of reality also ends the fantastic, "courting" phase of the affair, and when the fantasy ends, the "in love" feelings start to erode. Both affair partners may become consumed by guilt, especially if they both abandoned a spouse for the new relationship. If only one partner abandoned a spouse, that partner may resent the other for not having to make as great a sacrifice for the new relationship. Expectations for the new marriage must be incredibly high, and are likely to not be met. Finally, the affair partners begin to realize that this is a relationship they can never be proud of. When people ask "how did you two meet", most will tell half the story and leave out the fact that they had an affair. But that knowledge, that they are not telling the whole story, can eat away at them.

People who sacrifice themselves for affairs wind up losers. They become "Like a Rolling Stone".

GC

You are completely skipping over (or unaware of) the fact that people enter affairs with their best self bound and gagged. (Best self = enactor of admirable qualities.)

So what kind of 'success' could ever come out of a relationship that began thus? The people would first have to go back to step one and reclaim the best self--and even then, it would be damn hard (if not impossible) for that best self to go on in life, with the partner, daily acknowledging all of the wreckage that resulted from the affair.

'feelings of love' are inconsequential in this milieu.

LHC-
Do you truly believe that you can have a successful relationship with the OM? Think about the consequences of your actions to yourself, your husband and your children. Your actions don't just affect you they affect everyone around you... including the OM.

You married your husband for a reason. He had to of filled your emotional needs at some point. The grass isn't greener on the other side... you just need to water yours. If you put the effort back into your marriage you will see the grass beginning to florish as it once did.

You won't find many people to support you right now if you decide to leave your husband. You have children that need both parents to love and support them TOGETHER. Yes children do adjust and life goes on... but I bet if you ask a child from a divorced home their intake on their parents relationship... they would tell you they wished their parents could of worked it out and stayed TOGETHER. You and your husband can become stronger individually and together and thus making your children stronger too.

Give your marriage a fair shake... if you leave you will eventually regret the decision... you'll wonder "what if" I had stayed and worked on it. Relationships that start out in deceit will end in deceit... a relationship with OM will never end happily. I pray for you that God will help you with the strength that you need to end this affair and do the right thing.

I'm not sure why you are here. I'll assume you're a friend in need.

If you are looking for people HERE who have truly succeeded in their affairs, you won't find them.

If you want statistics, graycloud posted an excerpt from a very well-known book about affairs. Something like 80% of relationships beginning as affairs FAIL. My ex-husband, who divorced me because he was "in love" with another woman, broke up with his affair-partner, because she cheated on him.

If you want someone who understands how you feel, there ARE many here who you can probably relate to. But they have ended their affairs, or are TRYING to. But they do understand your strong feelings, and I hope they will post to you, but they won't encourage you to leave your husband. If you will read many of the other posts, you will see their stories, and their struggles, and you will see some things you can relate to.

Faith1

Nothing based on lies and deceit can end well.

Think about this.

The relationship you have with the OM is based on LIES.

How successful do YOU think it would be ????

LHC - The statistics I've heard are that less than 5% of affairees end up marrying. And then they have more than a 75% chance of divorcing.

The statistics are very bleak, so save yourself and your family some heartache.

Hi LHC,

No matter how "unique" and "meant to be" you think your feelings are for OM and your affair with him, it is sadly typical and quite predictable.

If you read here you'll see. It's so uncanny it's almost scary what will take place and what the outcome will be. *Many* will be unduly devistated to their very core because of it.

You seem like an intelligent caring person. Why not learn from what others here have experienced so you can avoid hurting so many innocent people.

Love,
Jo [a betrayed spouse]

Don't know your situation, but understand your feelings and desire.

According to the statistics that I have seen, between 1 and 3 affairs out of 100 go on to be happy, lifelong marriages. The remainder end -- either before or after the divorce -- and normally end very badly.

So yes. It COULD happen that you live happily ever after. For comparison's sake, here are some other things that have roughly the same odds:

In your lifetime, you have a

1 in 1000 chance of drowning
1 in 100 chance of getting skin cancer
1 in 78 chance of dying in a vehicle accident
1 in 77 chance of dying of septicemia
1 in 62 chance of dying of kidney disease
1 in 45 chance of getting Alzheimer's
1 in 38 chance of dying of flu or pneumonia
1 in 33 chance of dying of diabetes
1 in 30 chance of dying of breast cancer (if you're female)
1 in 15 chance of dying of a stroke
1 in 4 chance of dying of cancer
1 in 3 chance of dying of heart disease

Just something to keep in mind.

(Information from various sources, mainly here and here .)

LHC

You are not "in love" with your affair partner. You are really in love with how you feel about yourself, when you allow the OM to meet some of your EN's (emotional needs) that your H may not have filled.

Your H may not have even known he wasn't filling those needs of yours. You might not even have known.

Do yourself a favor. Purchase His Needs/Her Needs, and see if after reading the book, if that's not the truth of the matter. You will be able to easily determine what needs you have the OM is meeting that your H is not.

What is wrong with opening up to your H and having a long talk with him about your situation, and see, first of all, if he still wants you in his life? If he still wants you, allow him the chance to meet the EN's you have erroneously allowed the OM to fill, and see if your feelings for him (your H) won't return.

Wouldn't it make more sense to try putting the thought and effort into your marriage, which is a very constructive thing to do, rather than continuing on a path of being involved in an affair, which will cause immense destruction to your Husband, your children, your extended family, your Husband's extended family, not to mention your immediate circle of friends.

What do you have to lose by doing the RIGHT thing?

You know the correct choice to this, I know you do.

Best wishes

SD