I have tried to look objectively at the character of the OW, by comparing her to two of my oldest friends who have been/are OW. They are friendly, helpful and caring and appear to be fine moral women. However, I have noticed over the years, that these qualities have applied only when it suited them and have not been consistent when it didn’t. They both have very selfish tendencies and definitely are motivated by getting their own way, at all costs.

This is how I tried to understand that H only saw the good in her. Many people wouldn’t have known the darker side of my friends’ characters. OW could probably have been any pal of mine, that I didn’t know too well.

My opinion of OW began with this in mind. She’s not a bad person. She’s probably got very low self esteem and is easily flattered. She’s also immature, rather selfish and doesn’t understand or therefore care about the magnitude of what she’s doing. I think that was very fair of me.

As time went on though, she also showed herself to be shamefully manipulative, spiteful and incredibly insensitive, even to my H’s problems. She admitted to having no guilt whatsoever about her H. She expected me to understand how bad it would be for her H to know about the affair, that a scene would upset her kids, but continued to pursue it. She made sure I knew her and my H were having sex the night he left me (the worst night of my life) and wouldn’t answer his phone. She called me a vindictive ***** (when I finally wrote to her H and actually encouraged him to give her a chance). She has verbally abused my H with very hurtful names that still haunt him. She thinks he is gutless for not leaving me for her. So much stuff, I could go on and on!

So without using my obvious bias, I think she’s ultimately a self-centred, narrow minded and downright nasty piece of work. But very friendly, I’m sure!

I don’t need to forgive OW. I don’t blame her for the mess my marriage is in. She made no vows to me and besides, she’s not in the least bit sorry. She is actually catholic and once told H ‘Tell Horizon I’m sorry, but my only sin was to fall in love with the most wonderful man I’ve ever known’. (That makes it all OK then!). Very theatrical. Very Christian! That was her ONLY SIN! Forget having sex with my H, cheating on her H, leaving the kids with others while she spent the afternoon in a hotel bed. The A went on for another 4 months after that. I don’t think I like her!

She is nothing to me but an annoying bug that I had a hard time swatting. I wish her no ill-will, no nothing. If anything I feel sorry for her, that she can be so far down the spiritual scale. The A taught her nothing. She will stay in her infant mindset for life. Poor OW! The contrast of her character and mine, makes me feel very proud of myself.

I don’t want to upset any WS’s, because the ones here are growing and learning daily. Along with the guilt they feel, they should also be very proud that they have the strength to better themselves. It’s a huge task and takes great courage. I just want them to know I recognise that.

Great thread. Don’t flame me for this, but I’m glad for the chance to say some things the TOW lurkers may see. Many of them seem to think the BS’s blame them for everything. In my mind, they’re just not that important.

BTW, she also claimed to have been a BS previously. One of my friends was too. WTF!

Hello all...
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I have tried to look objectively at the character of the OW, by comparing her to two of my oldest friends who have been/are OW. They are friendly, helpful and caring and appear to be fine moral women. However, I have noticed over the years, that these qualities have applied only when it suited them and have not been consistent when it didn’t. They both have very selfish tendencies and definitely are motivated by getting their own way, at all costs.
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Yep... I have to agree to this. FOW was my best friend and the above applies to her very well.
It was painful to be betrayed by both my H and my supposedly "best friend" of many years. She was really, really sorry and felt horrible when I found out. It will take her a long time to get in a "good place" with herself again. I'm not sorry for her and I don't want her to suffer. But I would think it to be very unfair if she would just walk away from this smiling - that would mean she was clueless or a real bïtch. And she is neither, so my pain makes her feel awful. I know that. But I have suffered too and I didn't get any "fun and kicks" out of the A like she did. She has to deal with the guilt - I have to deal with the loss. So we're even. We're done.

The description above really fits her. It took me finding out about the A to make her look into the mirror and face this part of herself.
I think a lot of self-pity is needed to do things you know would make your partner and your best friend feel horrible if he or she would know. For this amount of self-pity you have to be pretty selfish.

Her f**ing my H for more than a year while I was going through a real tough time in my life made me realize she's not a friend. She wants to be now. But she can't be in my eyes. Friends are supposed to be there when you're down, to watch your back at the very least and to see no more harm is done to you. If she couldn't do it then and didn't even feel like she was doing something wrong while having the A with my H.. I don't really care if she can be very nice also. I do care about her pain. I want her to be happy. But I can't rush over and help her like I used to before the A. It will be a while before I can pray for her but I know I will be able to, later on.

Brownhair – I’ve read some of your story and the double betrayal you experienced sends shivers down me. It really brings it home that OP can be anyone - friends, family, spouse, even us. I am glad that your friend has looked in the mirror because it shows that she can grow and learn by what she’s done. There is hope for her.

Being a BS gives us a sense of danger everywhere. I see my friends in a different light now and find it hard to reconcile their actions, where as before I overlooked them.

The friend who was a BS, then OW, was always outrageously flirtatious with my H. It was embarrassing. I didn’t think much of it at the time as she was my friend. At a time when H was still undecided, me or OW, my friend whispered to him ‘Do whatever makes you happy’. The implications of that comment are still resounding in my head after 5 months. Some friend! I too, was always the one to rush round to her when she had problems. She is no longer an OW, but was never sorry for it. Only sorry that his wife got pregnant again and he decided to stay.

My other friend is living with her OM. He left his wife and kids for her and her kids. She booted her H out. I’ve never heard her say she feels bad about OMW. She’s just annoyed because OMW didn’t make it easy for him.

It sure makes it hard to carry on these friendships having been on the end of behaviour such as theirs. I still can’t say they are bad people. So ignorant though!

You have a great attitude Brownhair. Very dignified and understanding and in the face of all you’ve suffered. I’m impressed!

I just read SNow's first post. ALl I can say is that I never hated OW, instead I prayed for her family and hope that she can get back to her H. SO in my cae, WH is OP. But I am getting more and more distant from him. I really don't want him anymore.