Binder, I do not want to make the next contact with the sparrow. I'd have to call her, and she might ask how I'm doing, and I'd be forced to tell her I'm in pain like she couldn't dream of (no "I'm hurting but doing the best I can" stuff this time), and then I'd have to get into the whole email business.

By the way, I'm having doubts about plan A right now. I plan A like nobody's business, haven't LBed in two months or more, and look where it's gotten me. One LB I was never guilty of was the AO. Never, honestly I can say that. For that reason I wonder if the sparrow shouldn't get a little taste of nice, righteous anger from me. Ech.

GC

Well GC, those decisions are ultimately up to you, but I would wait to indulge myself. Don't do it on impulse, you'll likely regret that.

We are all armchair counselors here. Consider what the hired help recommends, she has the credentials.

I'm sending this email to the sparrow to warn her that she has been blocked. I guess it's a mini plan B. I just can't tolerate the safe distance and coldness that email affords her.

[sparrow],

Telling me in advance what was going to happen on Monday might not have made the pain any less profound, but it would have been the decent and honest thing to do.

I'm writing to let you know that I have to block you. Receiving an email from you has become a guarantee that I will be hurt, and to protect my own heart, I will no longer read them. Any emails you send me will automatically be deleted and I will not know they have been sent. If you need to contact me, please phone me or see me in person.

[GC]

gc:

If you haven't sent that email yet, DON'T!

You don't have 2 read them from her.

If she has a re2rn receipt thing 2rnd on, she'd know you weren't reading.

Another thing would be 2 write a "nice" autoreply message that gets sent 2 her every time she sends something 2 you.

Get feedback before you send her anything, though. Particularly the inflammatory stuff, like above.

-ol' 2long

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. Hang in there!!!! I'm having a hard time myself right now and it really helps me to come on this site and get support and encouraging words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sprezzatura:
<strong> {{{{{{{{{{{GC}}}}}}}}}}}} x a zillion!!

Family matters- what is counter sue?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W filed some form of papers with MD Circuit Court, I remember it to be a separation aggrement of some kind, but I filed for Divorce. She still contends it was divorce papers blah. I know what divorce papers look like, I still have copies of my original filing. Divorce papers must be served. The paperwork I recv'd on behalf of my W were not delivered and didn't require a signature lol.

GC, it's hard to tell someone what to do in a situation so hairy and fragile. I personally shifted into Plan B after things went legal, but I was never vindictive. In fact, seeing as it was my W who was "in love" with the OM and decided she wanted to move on with her life without me it seemed "laughable" that once I started Plan B which wasn't based on MB Principles, so I'll define that period for me as "moving on with my life/self-preservation" SHE was the one who became vindictive. Imagine that?

Imvho, if she has moved out and she's inflicting pain on you directly I would start setting boundaries. Try to determine if her hurtful emails are unconscious or directly lashing out in an effort to hurt you. I think for me that would be the difference in determining my course of action. Looking back I realize some of my W's lashing out was due to her own realization that "My God FM is moving on with his life, he's not waiting for me, if he had treated me such and such ways I wouldnt have gotten my life in this mess to begin with".

My W lost our Townhouse, lost her car, had no job and ended up living in her car than a boarding house! This was ALL as a result of her actions, but somehow in her fogged head it was MY FAULT as the fog lifted, she started to slowly accept that she made some terrible decisions that sent her life careening off the cliff of stability. GC, all of my friends/family told me to forget about my W. How can you forget about your W? This whole concept doesn't make sense! At some point we must move on while keeping the door cracked, but only under certain conditions.

I know you're consulting with experts on how to react to your sitch, these are just my experiences and my perception of the why's and how's. When my divorce hearing date arrived, my W and I went together and held hands. I stood and said that I wanted to withdraw my petition for "D". We moved back together a month later and began reconciling. Over a year later I learned that she was still in contact with the OM, June 27th to be exact. That is when I sought out MB's. This whole drama begin almost 4 years ago!

Hang in there! This is merely one chapter of YOUR book not the whole story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

2long, I haven't sent the email.

But I have blocked her.

The emails get deleted without ceremony. I don't see them, and she gets no message about it.

GC

Let me explain. Whenever I see the sparrow, face to face, she starts out with this tough-as-nails front up. Within a few minutes of the meeting, my plan-A-ing breaks her down and her face visibly sags and she loses her ability to be tough. She opens up, and she eventually begins to question her choices.

As soon as she gets away from me, sees OM, whatever, she puts that armor back up. She can't keep it up in person, but in email it's no problem - she doesn't have to look at me. So the version of her I get in email is cold, businesslike, official, and completely heartless. I can't take it any more. It's like getting messages from an evil robot.

The thing about no-fault divorce is the petitioner can do it all without hardly ever having to look her spouse in the face. I suppose in abusive relationships that is good for the safety of the petitioner. My WW is taking advantage of that and divorcing me from a distance. She's barely discussed wanting to get divorced with me, except to say that this is what she needs to do. She is a runner and a coward. And I will not accommodate her weakness by reading the evil robot emails.

GC

<small>[ July 28, 2004, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

Hold on here,

Plan A, right? I think she has a right to know you are not reading her emails, and that you would prefer a phone call or in person conversation. I say send the email.

But, it's getting close to Plan B. Have you started thinking of the timing? The letter? You need to move there before you lose your love for her and start giving up.

I know you think you may be able to stay in Plan A for a while longer, but it doesn't sound that way on this side of the keyboard.

Two different Harleys have independently advised me to stay in plan A, and I can do it. The only trouble is the email. It is utterly impersonal and the communication between us that happens with it has no value to either of us. All it accomplishes for us is it gives my wife a way of distancing herself.

This is something I have power over - I have a right to reject this kind of communication for having no value. It's a boundary for me. Plan A does not mean accommodating every way that your WS consistently hurts you. If something hurts too much, there is nothing wrong with saying no to it. It's a question of protection and self-respect.

GC

They're the experts Gray..I only wanted to express my story to you in a way that gives hope. Of course if someone would say how long can you hang in there FM? How about 4 years? I would have told them to jump off of a bridge, but the truth is I never really "Got over her" so the door was still open. Thankfully she's peeking her head in finally and placed a foot inside.

I'm going to bow out of this thread now, I just wanted to help you see there is hope.

hey GC- big hug. I am convinced that your W and my H are sharing the sme PLAY book. amazing.

I got a not nice email this morning. full of demands etc. things I have no control over are his demands. I replied to the email this way-hi- I love you too. I will not negotiate our life thru email. call when you HAVE TIME- what are you so afraid of?

calling from work does not meet the criteria of HAVING TIME. that could only be a 2 minute nasty, so when he called 3 times I did not answer. I also did not reply to the next 2 emails.

I have offered a no lawyer for him-((hes "BROKE" and doesn't have one))- financial agreement that will protect us all until this family is settled. h says life will only be difficult and keep him poor if I make it that way. ooooook. so sign the FAIR agreement. if he refuses to sign as I cannot meet his demands then we will go to court and the date is already set. going to court will be much worse for him financially than the agreement I propose. and ugly huh?

my h is more lost than I could ever have imagined. at the bottom of his satan soaked self serving ego pit.....perhaps he will find himself someday soon-and reach UP! I have offered him complete AGAPE love and so too have his sons if he turns around; DESPITE the harm he has caused us. I take the high road- he wanders in a maze on the low road. h is living furiously fast in the present-no forest-no trees-just a blur at MACH 12. Lashing out in justification and denial- there is no man in his mirror- he threw the mirror out long ago.

I cannot give h my PEACE- only he can save himself and I pray for the Lord who can do ANYTHING to gather that lost sheep back into his fold.

praying for you and all who post here.....

PEACE OUT..and IN!!

GC, go with the experts.

IMHO a boundary that is not expressed is like reading the rules to a game after it’s over. I think she should know about the e-mails.

There is a lot of good stuff about plan A/B on the forum. Chris-CA123 makes some good points on maddyk's thread and there’s some more material by Mthrrhbard at Plan A discussion from way back when.

In SAA, Harley suggested a 6 mos. Limit for Plan A. But Sue was fence sitting and living at home. There were also children involved. Apparently plan B is best done with a fence sitter. SAA doesn't really attribute the success to plan B anyway. The decision to break-up was due to Greg's additional girlfriend.

Your and my WW have not made any bones about their intentions. I waited too long for Plan B, but I wanted the separation agreement completed before I went dark. I’m a plan for the worst kind of guy. I also am under the jurisdiction of a country that requires a one year separation before they will grant a divorce. Even after that it will take a while. I’m patient and disciplined. I’ve got children involved too.

You don’t have kids and are pretty early into this. The rules are a judgement call and I would side with the advice from the Harleys. If we all knew what exactly to do, we would not be typing right now, we’d be on the phone to you and charging the $180.00/hr. You get what you pay for.

Stay here for the support, stay on the phone for the advice.

I'm not saying you should keep the email going. It's always been my contention you should get her off the email as much as possible. But WARN her you are not reading them and that in order to be in contact with you she will need to phone or visit.

SHMI is right, and that's why I suggested you set up an autoreply message for her (though I have no idea whether you can do that for just one address or whether it goes out 2 everybody).

Kind of like a PBL in every reply? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Sprezz - thanks for the hugs, sis. Backatchya! ((((((((((sprezzatura))))))))))

That's a hot potato you sent your H. I like "I will not negotiate our life through email". I still haven't emailed the sparrow to tell her she's blocked. I've written a gentler message and taken out the scold about not warning me about being served, though I feel she should hear it.

I wrote, "Receiving email from you has become a guarantee that I will be hurt. To protect my heart I have blocked you and I will no longer receive messages you send. If you need to contact me, please phone me or visit me. I do hope to see you soon. Love, GC."

Bleh. Haven't used the "L" word on her in a long time, but tomorrow is our 10th anniversary and I don't care.

I'm still holding off on sending it for a bit, if anybody has a comment.

GC

gc:

How about:

"I'm am currently unavailable, but will return briefly on the second Tuesday of next week. If you need to reach me before then, you can't, but you can leave a message with my IC and I will respond as soon as it suits me. Thanks."

-ol' 2long

Haw haw. The auto-reply is not going to work for me.

How about,

"If you need to contact me, please phone or visit me. I can't read your emails any more. I do hope to see you soon. Love, GC"

I say send the email. It's honest and to the point. It's very Plan A. Not blaming, not spiteful.

You have good instincts.

The last one gets my vote.

With honorable mention to ol' 2long of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />