JH advised me to send her a modest bunch of flowers for our 10th anniversary on Thursday and gave suggestions about the message I should attach.

I feel there's no point, but I do have the strength to keep on. JH also suggested I mark my 11th anniversary as the day I allow myself to completely give up and move on as a single man. I'll certainly be divorced before then unless the sparrow stops it, but I honestly do not believe she will.

GC

GC,

Sorry to hear that sparrow filed. C/b another threatening action but this one will cost her a few more bucks.

You make sure your side is secured. Expect her to make a run for your assets.

Howz your immediate support group? Can you put them on alert?

Please keep posting. The pain of all this seems intolerable but it is tolerable

take care,
L.

There's not much for assets, but I think now that she will try to get as much out of me for the house as she can. She will make me buy her out now. I'm obviously nothing but an annoyance and an obstacle to her now, and OM is going to need money. He and his wife are going to litigate themselves into financial oblivion. He seems inclined to fight for shared custody until the credit is ruined, the house is gone, and there is no money in sight.

Sparrow and OM have the same attorney. Isn't that precious?

GC

Oh yeah, Orchid. My support staff has been alerted. I think I'll be well cared for this week. They're all asleep now though. So it's just me and the classical station, waiting for my sleeping pill to crack me across the jaw.

Starting to feel a little something...

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sparrow and OM have the same attorney. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Misery loves company.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Praying for you, wish I could do more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">me too...

Gray - My heart goes out to you but I know you will get through this. One way or another you are going to come out of this a better stronger person. I definately think this is a move of despiration on the Sparrow's part. If she really felt it was the right thing to do she would have told you ahead of time. But she didn't because she was afraid you would have been able to talk her out of it, because in the back of her mind she knows it's wrong. Hang in there and don't give up hope, it's all we have. Everything happens for a reason, we just don't always know what that reason is ahead of time.

oh gosh GC, i am so sorry for what you are having to deal w/because of the choices your W is making. i'll state in a very SH style what this latest move is, "frustrating and disappointing." but as everyone has said here, it ain't over. not sure what state you are in but i think i remember you said you had already seen a lawyer, which is good so you probably have somee information already. very little consolation i know but at least you knew about the papers going into your session w/JH.

i hope you have another session w/JH soon and that you have or will get a good pro-M lawyer who will able to guide you. you are capabale of more than you ever dreamed. if you are in a state in which you can only slow down the D not stop it then after it's all said and done you will have known that you at least did everything you could at that point. even still unless sparrow gets re-married there is still a chance as long as you want to have that hope.

give us some more details on your session w/JH and what state you live in and what the rules are and people will be able to help you through this. this latest move is a total slap in your face, punch in your gut, etc. but don't give her or the OM the satisfaction w/letting them know it's got you down, remember you've been expecting this right? (wink wink, nudge nudge) it does help to prepare for the worse that way when it doesn't happen you will be pleasantly disappointed.

i have to go, have a session w/SH in a few minutes, but you have lots of support here and many prayers are being said for you, you can do this, God bless, RR

p.s. she probably wanted to do this before she went on vacation, nothing to do w/the anniversary.

GC

Just wanted to say I'm keeping up with your story. You sound like me 5-6 mos. ago.

Regardless of what happens, in a few mos. you will feel better.

Keep posting, look after your health. Force yourself to eat good food every day. Stay active, even a short walk. Talk to your friends. Read the paper. Pray.

Every day it gets a little better, you get a little stronger. Just a bit.

My guess is that she's really feeling the pressure of the situation. Otherwise she wouldn't feel the need to rush forward so quickly. She's rushing forward to prove something to all those who won't support her decision, and to try to run through the wall of pain.

I'm so sorry Gray <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm glad you got to talk to JH. I'm sure she had some great advice. I think you need that puppy - and soon!

Gray, I have never posted to you before, but my heart goes out to you. BTDT.
My DH's A was almost six years ago. We have long since recovered.
Gray, you are NOT alone, although I know what you are feeling. We may seem like nameless, faceless people on an internet board. But, last year when I was going through chemo, I got some truly wonderful support from the people here. And all those years ago, it was the same when my marriage was falling apart.
I got good advice and followed it.
You have alot of love to give. We all do. At this point perhaps your wife cannot assimulate it. Find somewhere to expend this. Volunteer. Old folks homes are always looking for help. Care centers, hospitals. I started to do this a couple of monthes after my H left me. Although by then he was home. It made me feel so good about myself. And I really needed that at the time. My self-esteem was then zero!
The point of the flowers is not just a jesture for your wife. But, a jesture for YOU. That whatever becomes of this, you are thankful for the years you shared. You may even include that on the card.
Most importantly, take care of yourself right now. Eat well, not junk, don't drink! It cannot help. Take walks and don't forget to journal your thoughts. It will help you not to love bust by pouring your thoughts and feelings out here and on paper. Take care of you!

Thanks guys. The filing is an act of desperation, an attempt to prove something, an attempt to run through the wall of pain. An attempt to clear her mind in time for the vacation, and to keep me from having hope on our anniversary. A cruel, indifferent slap in the face.

She emailed me and said she could not afford to wait, "both financially and mentally". She suggested I not hire a lawyer! As if I trust her, like I'm some wimpy little puddle.

Her email also said, "I hope you're okay and not too surprised." That is the first concern for my feelings of any kind at all that she's expressed in weeks.

Of course I won't respond. Not now anyway.

I live in Minnesota, and divorce here is very streamlined and easy. The time frame is vague. I have 30 days to respond, I can then get a continuance for a couple of weeks. Once the case goes into a state known as "pre-trial", the legal system runs everything and it's a freight train. If instead I go into mediation, the pace is very relaxed. I have discretion over the scheduling, and it can take some extra time. We're talking probably the end of the year, thereabouts. OM's D cannot be final while OMW is pregnant. Her due date is in late January.

Honestly, the timing of my session with JH did not lend itself to being able to recall it very clearly. She encouraged me to stay in plan A for a long time. She told me a fair amount I already knew, but she also helped me decide on a time frame for some things. She told me to trust my own feelings w/r/t plan B, and to just hold on. She said I sounded like I was strong enough to continue in plan A for a long time, because I was not letting the sparrow's words, which would make me hate her if taken at face value, get to me enough to damage my love for her.

She said lots of things to give me hope. She said that OM's responsibilities to his family and his own mixed feelings are going to be a problem for him. That case is going to go through litigation, so it will take a very long time to get through the system. When OMW has her child, OM is likely to freak out as well, though my D will no doubt be final by then.

She also gave me good advice about gift-giving. She coached me on the contents of the note I attach to my flowers.

She said the sparrow is pursuing OM aggressively right now, showing her loyalty and so on, and this might scare him off. She said the same ugliness I see in the sparrow is something OM is probably sensing on some level, and he probably has doubts, given that he's already on the fence.

She said that if OM is still vacillating, and OMW still has some influence on him, that while the sparrow is away in August OMW will have an opportunity to draw him in.

Here's something. My wife is an attractive woman, but OMW is no less so, and I think she has a better ability to lure OM sexually. The sparrow is more awkward at seduction, is my gut feeling. I sense that OMW has some gifts in this area, and she told me recently that she believes she can work her charms on him. Actually, she said she has no doubt at all that she can seduce him any time she wants, and is thinking of doing just that while the sparrow is away. She's only four months along and does not look pregnant.

We both agree that OM is the one who is changeable right now, and as long as he doesn't feel he's being controlled, or is too aroused to notice, he can be made to think twice about this.

All out of my hands, of course. I just need to protect myself and try to plan A when I can, try not to lose hope. But I now have very little.

GC

thanks for the additional info on the session w/JH. it really does see my prospective like you have a lot of things going for you and that you truly have a good head on your shoulder and are able to detach when necessary.

i wouldn't respond to her messages either, she KNOWS you got the papers. in fact, just continue what you are doing as if nothing she has done has phased you. in other words, you are implementing your plan apart from her. do the flowers and note thing for anniversary. then she'll be almost out of the country right? if she asks why you haven't responded to her or done this or that, just say "i can't in good conscience walk away from something i know can be better."

everything has happened for a reason and there is a season for everything. be patient, "if you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow (chinese proverb)" another quote that i got from someone here (don't remember who) is "life is a storm my young friend. you will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. what makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes (the count of monte cristo)." you are definitely in a storm my friend but it won't last forever.

prayers and a hug for you, RR

{{{{{{{{{{{GC}}}}}}}}}}}} x a zillion!!

Family matters- what is counter sue?

Binder- same time frame for me- h walked out May 24. living boldly with ow. I stand for my M and I post on Recovery; check it out!

everyone here- Christian or not. a short version of my WALK. God was always a PART of my life. now the Lord IS my life. I NEED Him-I want my h. I don't NEED my h to live- I choose to love him still and pray for restoration and for the Lord to turn h heart back from stone. these last 10 weeks have brought me to a place of being washed constantly in the Holy Spirit that I never dreamed possible. If I thought that h walking out on me after 24 years and dragging our sons/family/friends thru this muck was painful...well I didn't have a CLUE what pain was until I came to Christ and found myself on my knees and then flat out on my face. The incredible pain of it defies description! and as much as I wouldn't trade my 24 years of life with my h- I would NEVER give up the walk in the Holy Spirit I have now. you've got nothing to lose and I can testify to this- you've got EVERYTHING to gain. EVERYDAY the Lord delivers me- gifts abound-seek and you shall find. praying for us all.

PEACE OUT...and IN!!!

gc:

"Honestly, the timing of my session with JH did not lend itself to being able to recall it very clearly. "

When I talk 2 Penny, I keep a notebook and pen handy, and jot down the high points.

I still have the notes from SH 2 years ago. They're still useful 2 recall how I was doing, as is this 4um.

-ol' 2long

i thought i would share what my H did for our anniversary. i wasn't expecting anything from him. i had sent him something in the mail that was "legitimate" and along w/it i had put a note in there saying how i was feeling on our wedding day and if i had to do it all over i would, etc.

anyway, i come into to work on our anniversary and there is an email from him. i didn't expect it at all. it's NOT anything mind you, i just read it and kind of rolled my eyes.

"I hope your day is going as well as it can be. I just want you to know that this day will always hold significance in my life. I have some very fond memories from the past. Unfortunately, circumstances have changed and I can not celebrate
this day as I once had. This is an important date in both of our lives, but now we must move on and begin again. I know this is not what you want to read, but it is time we both went foward and created a new future for ourselves. I hope that someday you can achieve this and we can be friends for life. This date will always hold a place in my heart as will you."

whatever, at least he remembered. anyway, just do what you have planned for your anniversary but just don't expect anything back. you've kind of already been hit w/the worst so to speak, so it's not like if you give her flowers and a note she will turn around and file for a D, i hope you know i'm just trying to use a little humor. your plan hasn't really changed. you are still going to do the best you can, when you can, and for as long as you can like me and most others here.

BTW, i didn't reply to his email and have never talked about it w/him. i never talk about any of the stuff that i send or he sends.

continued strength AND prayers to you, RR

GC,

I am so sorry. I was just served on the 19th, four days after our anniversary.

My problem was I didn't know where he was living after he moved out, no one did except the OW, of course they are living together. So imagine my shock when I received Nevada divorce papers when I live in NJ. I thought I had a least 18 months to work on my marriage. Since he didn't have any grounds in our state and that is how long he had to wait to file. This came as a complete surprise to me and to his family. I can't counter sue or file since I don't have a physical address for him. What a sneak.

The trouble is now have to find a Nevada lawyer within twenty days of being served.

I spoke to a lawyer today, but I have to come up with the funds fast to fight this or least to protect myself. I'm trying to get this moved back to my state since all the assets are here.

My WH said the same thing "you don't need a lawyer." I told him it has nothing to do with him, I have to protect myself. No one else in going to look out for me except for me. I don't know legal ease and I need a lawyer to protect my assets.

Also WH trying to reach me after I was served. He actually thought I was going to call him as soon as I got served. I wasn't going to respond to him, but last Friday I picked up the phone and there he was. I just let my feelings beknown, I said it calmly and I figure as this point I don't have anything else to lose.

WH is still in a major fog. IMHO, four months of separation isn't enough time, but I'm giving it to God.

My WH is a coward, we had an agreement we would not make any major decisions with discussing it first with each other.

My prayers are with you and and may God give you peace. I'm at the breakpoint of just wanting to get over with and move on with my life. I wanted to save my marriage but it will be very hard doing it thousands of miles away.

May God be with you and your family. Remember always take the high road. God will reward you. You are stronger because of their actions.

Thanks to all. HD2, I've been following your situation. Pure crap. Get that thing moved to your state.

Ol' 2long, I did take a few notes.

RR, that email from your WH really must have taken the wind from the sails of anything you may have done. I'm halfway inclined to not even read an anniversary message if the sparrow sends one.

Like your H, HD2, my WW had also agreed not to do anything that wasn't mutual.

I might not be able to control her A, or the legal process, but I own my own heart. I can let my love for her go away on whatever schedule I want. I choose to protect it until my 11th anniversary, and her power over that is just as gone as my power over the circumstances.

If it makes her come back, then it makes her come back. If not, I walk away with nothing to regret.

The funny thing about having been served is I feel like I can start making a life for myself now, somehow. Not sure how to do it, but I'll figure something out.

Just saw my IC. She gave me lots of extra time, which was very nice of her. She owed me anyway for making me cry.

GC

graycloud - Don't despair yet. I will let you know when to really despair. You are still very new to this. It is like riding a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs.

Well, believer, it seems hopeless. My friends just came over and unfortunately made me feel worse about that. They just don't understand all this stuff and to their eyes it's all over and I just need to write my WW off and be done.

I ordered the anniversary flowers, a modest vase without any roses or reds and pinks and whites, from a really great florist, and dropped off a card to include. The message says:

--
[sparrow],

I hesitated, but...

I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten, and that I don't want this to be our last.

[GC]
--

RR's description of the anniversary email her WH sent got me worried. I think I might block the sparrow's email. Every message hurts me. Every message gives her the ability to do all this from a safe distance. I just don't want any more emails from her. I guess I could ask her not to email me, but why should I go to the trouble when I can just block her and have it solved? Why am I not worried about her reaction? She knows I love her, and I don't consider it a LB to protect myself from something I always know is going to hurt. But whatchyall think?

Ick. My house is a pit. I have to get motivated tommorrow, dang it.

GC

Believer said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will let you know when to really despair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would appreciate the same heads up!

GC, sorry for the above digression.

I have felt your pain; still do, a little less than yesterday and a little more than tomorrow. It will get better, trust me.

I don't think blocking her E-mails are the way to go. If they are too hurtful, ask her to stop, she should know of the pain she's inflicting. Maybe a small consequence for her right now, but a consequence just the same.

Keep posting, and everyone will keep supporting you. We'll all get through this manure sandwich we've been served together.

Pass the beer nuts