Today my WW was scheduled to have her first IC session and she phoned me from her job to tell me about it. She said the office was crowded 7,8 people to see the counselor and he was only available between the hours of 11-2pm. I asked how she was feeling and she expressed how sad she's been today..not about our the counselor but about being so withdrawn from me since D-DAY.

My W said she wants to come back to her bedroom! I'm happy, but I'm scared as well. The last thing I want is to screw this up, and I also don't want to pretend that nothings happened. I want our marriage to be better than she every imagined, I have much I want to improve and business as usual is not an option.

I miss her! Its been almost a month since we've slept in the same room. I miss SF but somehow I'm not so sure I want sex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I also don't want to make tonight a heavy conversation night. My idea is to shut up and let her talk as much as she wants to and just hold her. I will let her lead the way.

If you guys have any suggestions please reply. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but this ia major breakthrough and it does make me smile....finally. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 26, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

I think you are on the right track. Just don't let any thing she says get you to LB.

You can steer the conversation by a few well placed comments if she is going to places that hurt too much. Just ask questions that will lead to other things.

You may also have a chance to teach her some things if SHE ASKS QUESTIONS, but be careful and keep any of your comments short.

Express faith in the future.

Express your feelings of hope -

Be willing to admit you are hurt if it comes up.

Admit you are not perfect but that you are learning and willing to learn.

I have to think this is good.

SS

Buy very, very beautiful brand-spanking-new 800 count sheets....

and smell goooooood

....end of my suggestions...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

familymatters -

That seems like good news. Hold back on the SF. Women love communication and tenderness.

And communication to women means talking. I would let her talk, and just listen and be supportive.

If she is up to some physical, rub her feet with some lotion, or her back.

Hang in there, you can do this.

Great suggestions...I've gotta clean up this room!!!

You guys are abosuletly right. Short answers,
no prodding, no sexual moves...I'm just happy to be here..if she asks I tell...clean sheets, shave again..No lb's no LB's NO LB's....

Scary stuff. I almost lost my W thrice..Begeezus!

She probably is expecting me to be all over her..and that's the farthest thing from my mind..if anything I need a hug. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

FM, I am bursting out happy for you. And proud of your WW.

How about a bottle of bubbly and some strawberries, to toast her first night home.

Oh shoot, I cannot resist one more suggestion...

Buy a cute and soft stuffed animal (something small) and place it on her side of the bed...

Wife: "Honey, what is this for?"

You say..."Something for you to hug while you sleep."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pep

Don't forget roses. Roses on the table in a nice vase. Women love roses. My heart is with you. My glimmer of hope. Thank you and good luck.

Star lillies, they smell really good. The smell has been bred right out of today's roses. (Unless you get the old-fashioned kind, the ones with the thorns.)

Also, see if you can find a branch of fresh cut pine and stash it under the bed. Don't tell her it's there.

Oh, and really scrub the toilet & sink and empty the trash can and scrub that too. Plus, fresh clean towels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FM

Your post made my eyes water! This has GOT to be a good thing. Take it nice and easy. Be the best FM you can be!

Familymatters,

This is great news. It is a really good sign...and a few good touches that she likes will make it a welcoming place. Good suggestions--her favorite flowers, a stuffed animal, music and candles...maybe not all at once to overwhelm, but some things that are important to her. Also from a woman's point of view...generally affection is a big EN...so "let me just hold you" is a sure bet. A compliment on the way she looks is always nice. If SF happens, remember to hold her afterwards....a biggie for most woman.

FM, this is good news. Keep up the good work...consistent Plan A. Good luck.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Great news FM!!! By now, it's probably too late for suggestions, but here goes anyhow: I always think of Robin Williams (in Aladin) with a high pitched, buzzing voice, just simply saying "Be yourself." This is how you got this far, right? Some good suggestions above...just, welcome her home. Best of luck, my friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I might be a bit late FM, but orchids to greet her in the morning is in good taste. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Then again, I am a bit partial to them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I like the stuffed animal idea! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Small words, small steps. Remember the fog hasn't cleared yet.

L.

Congratulations, FM, I'm so glad for you. Hope the evening has gone well.

Graycloud

FM:

Be somewhat prepared for your wife to still be full of mixed emotions and she will send you mixed messages until she is completely back to normalcy.

Once things are working again and you are busting your butt to make things work, you may feel some anger towards her for all the damage she and the OM caused you and your family. Take it slow because the early part of recovery is like the many times described roller coaster ride and it is really hard to cope.

My FWW even said in our early recovery stage that our M is worse now then before the A. She was still very much in love with her fantasy man and depressed and the BS gets to be the "fall" guy some more.

Be patient, learn to bite your tounge, and throw your pride out the window and things will work out for you. Good Luck.

FM -

WHOO HOOO! My heart did a back flip when I read this. This is a good step.

I'm praying for you. Please let us know how it went. We need some new success stories on this board.

I hope all went well. I'm sure it was an emotional night for you both.

Sending you my prayers.

Thanks folks! I truly appreciate all of the kind words and prayers. The night was uneventful and considering how things have been over the last month, this is a blessing.

I didn't have time to do too much in the way of stuffed animals and the like and as I reflected on the issue, I think it was better to downplay it a little. My W is still feeling extremely guilty about everything and this stretches beyond D-Day...She's carrying guilt for the entire timeline that she kept contact with OM. This timeline goes back for over a year. I'm still very concerned for her mental well-being. We have many hurdles left and I want to be as supportive as possible. I've been able to keep my "GIVER" in the drivers seat and I hope I can maintain that frame of mind.

I'm beyond concerned. Last night during our conversation, led almost exclusively by her, mind you...She confesseed that last Thursday she was very depressed and couldn't sleep. She took 19 Aleve's...She keeps telling me it was because she just wanted to be OUT! She claims it was not to commit suicide but to self medicate and escape her pain. I'm looking at this incident very seriously. She has been having stomach pains and the shakes ever since. I don't know if I should have posted this, I feel like I'm betraying her trust, but I'm not sure what course of action to take and could use your great suggestions, in fact I desperately need them.

She was definetly in withdrawal and a DEEEEEEP depression, in fact she still may be. If I insist she seek help is than an LB? She wants to move on and make some new happy memories, but I do not want any reoccurences of anything that might send her reeling. Her seeing OM was one thing, but her being GONE is quite another. Sorry folks, there was no Luther Vandross, just a great amount of support, sharing and tears. And after such a revelation, all I could do was hold her and wonder "How the Hell did We Get Here!"
I didn't say it, but lord knows I was thinking it!

I'm consulting the Aleve website now for suggestions on the medical implications. I hope the fact she didn't take the entire bottle gives validity to her claims of NOT trying to commit suicide. What would you do?

FM:

Definitely be supportive. Also, there are nurses and other people connected 2 the medical industry that can help you find answers 2 your 2uestions.

But do take the Aleve meds seriously. She could do damage by taking 2 much over the counter meds.

I hope Pep sees this and gives some suggestions.

-ol' 2long

Wow,

I'm so happy for you that she's home. The struggle isn't over, not by a longshot. Thoughts of suicide are very serious. Are you guys in counseling? I think some professional help is in order here.

I don't know how you can put it to her delicately, but you must voice your concerns and you must try to help her. You can't work on your M if she's gone. You came this far. You are clearly a very strong person. You'll know what to say. Wish you the best...

Joe

Folks I contacted the Poison Control Center in my area, because my wife has complained of feeling faint, and other gastro issues. I'm going to try and talk her into going to the emergency room. The counselor says that she could be causing problems with her appendix due to the high dosage of over the counter meds.

Please guys do not lash out at your WS's you never know what inner turmoil they're in. I just hope I didnt say anything last Thursday that caused her to do this. My W will be home shortly and I will very "gently" strongly suggest she get evaluated by a professional.