Bob

Something you need to remember to keep this all in perspective... The "love" your WW has for the OM is based on lies, deceit, mistruths and is fantasy based. It is not, nor could it EVER be true love, because of the inauspicious beginnings.

The "love" she believes to be true with the OM, is really the fact that she is "IN LOVE" with how she feels about herself when she is with him. That is because she has allowed him to fill Emotional Needs that you may not have been filling. It may be that you didn't even know you weren't filling those needs. It could also be that SHE didn't know you weren't filling those needs.

Take a look at the EN questionairre, and see if you can determine which of the needs are most important to her, and spend your efforts filling those needs. In the case of women, many need to feel "in-love" before they make the jump to an affair that includes SF. There is a really good chance the OM was meeting her needs for conversation and communication, and including admiration.

When you begin making sure those needs of hers are met, she will have less "need" for the OM. It will make her withdrawal go a bit easier for her.

Paint the room, stay busy, stay healthy, even run the undies through the wash and fold them and put them away with her old ones, and welcome her back like she's the most important person in your world. It will not go unnoticed.

You are on the right track here, but remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. All of this will take time and patience. You are just now learning how to harness both! You can do this!

Best wishes

SD

SD, I have no words for you. Your generosity of spirit when you are , yourself in trouble is a living proof of God's love. Thank you, and thank all of you.

I never dreamed I could ever find such genuine love and support amongst a web community. I am touched beyond all words.

Your words are true SD, but now I have no perspective other than one-foot-in-front-of-the-other. I am forcing myself to eat something, and I slept quite well last night. I am making sure I am clean-shaved and well dressed at all times when my W is around. Covered in paint right now I must admit !

Thanks again, I honestly couldn't have made it through these ten days without you and the others.

My brother ( my only caring kin) came to visit this afternoon. he gave me a very strange type of marriage guidance I must admit. He burst out that his 30 year marriage had become a loveless sham with his relationship with my SIL being a combative and sulking one for several years now. No sex, no love, no affection just mutual domestic and financial support. How very sad.

He said at least I have the opportunity now to avoid ever becoming such a loveless marriage.

Not sure I fully agree, but I do see that there are equally bad situations to have in a marriage without infidelity. Poor man.

So much for gaining strength by confiding in my blood ! Need another plan !

Bob,
This is my first reply. Hope I do it right, but I just felt I needed to respond. I will post a new thingy of my own, but I just read these posts and thought to myself, Bob should give the brother and sisterinlaw a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs". It sounds like they are ripe for an affair to happen. Perhaps you could spare them the pain you are going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Bob,
You sound much better today! Amazing what a good night's sleep will do.

Painting the utility room is a brilliant idea! As you said, it should make her smile and it it does not, it needed doing anyway. That makes me smile! Keeping busy is the key right now, you need to take your mind off the uncertainty and just live one day at a time.

By the way, a little paint in a guy's hair is sexy, hope she thinks so too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ladysing I think its the Cipramil kicking in after 4 days like the doc said. Whatever the reason its nice to not be suicidal for a few hours.

I may even finish the painting tomorrow.
Just so tired all the darn time on these A-D drugs.

Thanks again for your lovely concern. God bless you for it. {{{LS}}}

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I mean THONGS !!??? She's 40 and never worn a thong in her life... things're like butt floss...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see the Prozac is working. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KY, how long was it before the fog lifted for YOU after D-day ?

I'm not sure how your W's A came out, did you bust her, did she tell you??

The A had run its course, so for me, it didn't take lone, depending on who you are I guess, the BS or the WS. I was probably completely defogged in 2 months, but well on my way since DDay.

I seen the A for what it was, I was reading everything on MB trying to figure myself out and the A process, this helped me tremendously.

Your W had a 3 week A, good and bad for you,
bad because, she is still only seeing the good in OM she was getting the best of him only.

She is still probably very tempted to see what life would be like with him, but we all know the saying, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. She just has to be strong enough to fight that temptation.

Good for you because, you can't really bond in 3 weeks, you can't get to know somebody that quick, so if she was to choose him, she would learn what he is really about, right now, she thinks he is perfect, but nobody is perfect and she would find that out.

You were also meeting some of her needs at that time as well. If she left you, he would have to start meeting all the needs you had been meeting for her to be happy.

This would lead her to missing you and thinking she was crazy for leaving you because she never really knew this man in the first place.

The 3 week time line is in your favor for the most part I would think. Just allow her to work through the fog. I sure hope she can remain strong and stay in NC.

For me that was easy enough also, OM would make contact so I wouldn't have to.

My H listens to me about my A he understands it now, he learned for himself as well. It was impressive to see him do that for me.

Your W will need to learn why this happened so she can improve on herself and not allow this to happen again.

I am so impressed by you BP, you are doing everything right, your very quick learner.

Gosh I'm long winded tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How's that room coming??? How's the dog?

KY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KY I am so glad you replied, thanks {{ky}}

I busted WW after some pretty obvious behaviour and phone call clues though. Whether she was a bad liar or wanted to be busted I don't know.

I have considered the very issues you mention - who knows in another couple of months the A could've run its course and made recovery easier BUT I cannot possibly advocate in my head an alternative that meant my WW had more sex with the OM. As it is they 'met' half a dozen times. Every one is already an arrow in my heart, months worth might've killed me.

WW has known an dliked this man for a year or so, so it is possible an EA began before the busted PA. In any case my WW says she knows everything about him.

She truly believes they were destined to be soul mates, my poor, lovely , innocent baby. He has three divorces behind him and a long string of affaors and relationships. He is a retired pro sportsman used to a life of infidelity and trophy affairs. My lovely wife, made vulnerable by a combination of unmet ENs, frustration and flattery must have seemed like an exciting bit of fresh womanhood(she has only ever slept with me previously) to this well practiced womanizer.

Yet she vows he had waited all his life for her.

I fear she will never regret this A and if not I can never forgive her. It is an icy knife in my guts that fear.

All I can do is love her and try to be as supportive and functional as possible until the fog lifts and we can survey the damage. Its so hard though. I have never been this lonely and loveless in my life before. I could cry with loneliness.

Dear God I am at my lowest point. Helpless, hopeless , loveless and alone.

I retch with the enormity of the realization that my belowed WW may never love me again, nor ever realize this A was a bad and regrettable thing. I am so lonely and loveless - the lovely summers day mocks me.

I know for sure that she will not agree to reduce her beloved karate time to spend more time with me BEFORE it is instinctive for her to want to, as is dictated by the MB plan. So how can we ever hope to reconcile? Oh dear God what a mess...I am lost...I am lost...God Help me

Bob -

You are very new to this hurt. You are also taking it too personally. As you read here you will see that WS's all say the same things, and do the same things.

When you first find out, it is completely miserable. But things do get better.

And most times, the WS does go back to the marriage. So hang in there, and don't despair.

Believer how can I NOT take this personally ? I am the person my beloved W chose to betray. It is MY trust violated. MY heart broken. MY hope that is gone. It may be shrapnel that is killing me rather than an aimed arrow but I am dying just the same.

I am sorry but from my pit I cannot see any hope for ever being happy again. Thank GOD WW isn't here to see me like this.....I must pull myself together for her return this evening.

Thanks for caring Believer. I am sure I would be dead or hospitalised by now if not for the care of my anonymous wise and generous friends on here in the past twelve days. This is a bad, bad hour of a bad bad day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> Dear God I am at my lowest point. Helpless, hopeless , loveless and alone......
....... Oh dear God what a mess...I am lost...I am lost...God Help me </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, Bob.

I am sorry for your pain. I normally only lurk here. I don't know much about affairs or much about divorce. I do know a little something about God.

Your situation is not hopeless, and you are not alone. In the quote above, you have asked God for help. I believe that a cry for help from God NEVER goes unnoticed or unheard.

My wife and I prayed a few minutes ago that God would "jerk a knot in your wife's a$$" That may not sound very pretty or religious, but I believe that God heard it.

By the way, "jerk a knot in someone's a$$" is a southern way of saying "get their attention" :-) So, be calm, follow what these fine people tell you as long as it seems right between you and the lord, and wait for something to happen.

In our good times and bad times, whether we are ugly or beautiful, dirty or clean, clothed or naked, God's ear is never far away from us.

Gimble

Sweetie - I know you take this personally. I have been in your shoes. But most likely, it has little to do with you.

When I found out that my husband was cheating, my whole world changed. I couldn't sleep, work, and barely survived. It was a horrible shock.

Now that I have been here awhile, I realize that WS's all do and say the same things. It is almost like they are programmed.

Also, since I have been here, I have seen many, many people recover from seemingly hopeless situations.

One was Luke, who only posted on the divorcing forum. His wife wouldn't even talk to him. Now they are back together and happy.

Another poster was spiderslayer. Her husband agreed to counseling, just to end the marriage peacefully. They are now recovering, and very happy.

So I know you are very new here, but there is a lot of hope for your marriage. I wish I could take your pain away, but I can't.

Please just believe me that these things turn around. You will be just fine.

Oh Dear Gimble, I am crying..tears of sadness and of humility at your compassion and your faith.

I truly hope God heard your prayer for me and my wife and acts upon it. I am so desolate Gimble I wish I had your faith. Mine has been shaken to the very foundations by this.

God Bless you and your wife for this compassion and may He spare you from this heartbreak desolation in your marriage.
God help us all...

* edit - DEAR believer if only you knew what your compassion means to me. I cannot drink in your assurances right now, I know, rationally that almost everyone here is/was in a worse situation than us so soon after D day but as you say this heartbreak is all new to me. I do not yet have a proportionate response. So yesterday was largely a hopeful day, today is hopless. With the support of folks like you and gimble here I am humbled and honoured. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

* wipes away tears and goes to resume painting utility room - I may be hopeless but the painting needs finishing in any case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> *

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 04:08 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

WW came back from our holiday home in time for lunch. Apart from not being affectionate she seems to be in utter denial of the A. Discussing everything and anything with me but the A. We even discussed my brother's marital challenges and the irony seemed lost on her.

Still, having her with me and civil is better than being without her and uncivil, and the kids are clueless as to our problems right now which is a true blessing.

She is being deliberately hard hearted and unloving towards me. Either that ( breaking the habits of 22 years) or she really doesn't give a crap any more about me. Either way it hurts like hell. I just have to be strong, but its so hard. I am so in need of a kiss and a hug from her.

She's going to ask me to attend a karate weekend away next week this afternoon. I hope I don't LB.

please Pray for me, those of you who have the ear of God.

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Dear God she is lying in the garden sunbathing while I paint. She is so beautiful like she always has been to me. I need to be loved and held by her, this is torture.

All because she feels she would be 'unfaithful' to her new love the OM by kissing me and holding me. Dear Lord is there a new torture for me every day from now on? This is purgatory....

Dear God,

Help my friend Bob, he is needing your faith that all will be well with his M. Give him the strength he needs to see this A through to a successful recovery.

Show him your presence Dear Lord, let him lean on you and be lifted up by you in his time of need and pain.

Lead his wife to rational thinking. Show her Bob is her true love, the real love that she craves. Open her eyes Lord to the lies and deceit that an A is. Let her join her husband in their M. Allow her to forgive herself and accept his forgiveness.

Guide them Dear Lord....
Oh, and have her throw her thongs away, Amen

Dearest KY *wipes tears away - half laughing , half crying* what would I do without you ? Your posts pull me from the brink of despair.

Tell me O ex WW, is it a LB to hug my WW when she doesn't push me away but doesn't fully reciprocate either ?

* takes a breath and gets on with the darn painting *

* sniff * ( BTW I am a 185 lb ,six feet tall ex rugby player - I last cried when my Mum died. )

I think shes been in contact with OM. Need to find out without LB. * sigh * this is walking on eggshells.

Trouble is my lovely foggy wife doesn't think she'll ever withdraw from OM, and that NC is pointless and painful. *sigh *

purebob -

We can all relate to how you are feeling. When I first came to this site and folks told me someday I would be happy again, it was impossible for me to believe. But I am happy again, and my husband is still with the other woman.

These things are truly life changing, and you will never be the same person again. But you will survive, and even thrive.

Please continue to stay busy and get out and do things. That will help.

And remember, most WS's return to the marriage.