Lovely B, I am sorry if I am becoming a broken record. Just knowing that wise heads like you read my darkest thoughts written here helps me.

I will plod, one step at a time until such time as when I raise my head, there is light and sunshine. It is keeping positive patience that is my hardest trick.

Thanks you again for your kind words. {{{b}}}

I am sat with my WW watching her expression drift into sadness.... Its an exquisite pain I have knowing that she yearns for someone else, someone not worthy while she can only tolerate my love at the moment. But I love her so much I would do anything to remove her pain....well almost.

I can only tell her " I know you're sad, please try not to be. Every day gets better". I hope she believes it.

Bob -

Use your rational mind. Your wife is just like all of the rest of the WS's. By the way, they all use the term "soulmate". It is right out of the WS handbook. I've seen that word a thousand times here.

Consider your dear wife an addict. She is addicted to the feeling that OM gives her. But it is all in her head. Of course she doesn't realize that right now. (And don't try to tell her)

So I say again, don't take this personally. Somehow this guy started meeting your wife's emotional needs. You and I know that it would never work out between the two of them.

You need to take care of yourself right now, until you get stronger. You will be able to show your wife the way back to the marriage. But first we have to get you feeling better.

There are lots of men here going through the exact same thing. Most were doing terrible at first, but are feeling better now. You will get there too.

Trouble is, B that my WW doesn't think she's addicted - she thinks she's found her soulmate - the only man she's ever fallen in love with since she met me. Its powerful voodoo, but she IS still in my house and behaving reasonably.

She saud tonite 'if you spent a couple of months away from me would you not love me anymore? So, why should I stop loving OM in a couple of months absence?'.

Good question that would've been an LB to answer through the fog.

I do love this girl though, so very much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She saud tonite 'if you spent a couple of months away from me would you not love me anymore? So, why should I stop loving OM in a couple of months absence?'.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because it is an illusion Mrs. Bob. It is not real love, your brain has fooled you, you will see with NC, you are going see in a couple of months just how silly this and all the other statements are that you say now.

Bob, it is so in your favor, he is a master manipulater this man. Your poor wife, he has used her to such a terrible degree, she will walk away from this man feeling very low.

She is lucky to have you ready to help her through that. She will see him for what he is, don't you worry.

Is the room done????

KY

KY my DARLING I am beginning to think you are right, but maintaining NC through the tournament season ( and for ever after) is going to be very hard if impossible.

My WW is an internationally qualified karate referee and her rare skills are often called upon, as are the skills of the OM. While she is adamant to do reffing, she WILL meet OM. Right now she has every reason to keep reffing, as she "loves her soulmate" and its a great excuse to meet him.

It kills me but perhaps they need to be together and work this out plan B, but my poor kids would be screwed up for ever for a temporary conceit. I must avoid that if at all possible.

I can only concentrate on helping maintain NC right now. Everything else is uncertain as yet.

Re the room the first coat of paint is on, and looks nice ( ivory lemon silk). I need to get more paint tomorrow and finish. WW likes it too ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
thanks ky, you are a stunner. [[[ky]]]

Why does the night have to come with all its hopelessness and fear?

She saud tonite 'if you spent a couple of months away from me would you not love me anymore? So, why should I stop loving OM in a couple of months absence?'.

I believe you could use this as a little challenge for WW. Ask her if she has the confidence that OM will still "be there" for her if she can endure the 2 months of absence. This will give you a chance to be the ONLY one filling her EN's and in the mean time, Mr. Philanderer, the OM will find a new conquest. That will/would be a real eye opener for your WW.

Man, my heart goes out to you, because I have felt the pain you are feeling. I went totally nuts for the first few weeks, but I learned to stay really busy. I cleaned our house from stem to stern, painted rooms, cleaned carpet and just stayed as busy as possible. I stayed close to my WW and took every opportunity to fill her EN's and put up with some really abrasive attitute and shi%%y behaviour from her, as she was totally fogged out, and bound and determined to break me.

When I learned to emotionally disconnect from the mayhem, and began to handle everything purely from a practical and intellectual standpoint, it became much easier to do. Treat it like a B movie, you already know the script, and it's interactive. You can place your input where it will do the most good.

Stay strong. You've got lots of help here!!

SD

SD I did say that. WW sid " he'd wait ten years for me if necessary".

I don't believe thats true but it going to be a long hard road while WW de-fogs from this level of infatuation.

Thisis a bizarre situation. when we aren't discussing our 'situation' which is rarely so as to avoid LBs right now) my WW is perfectly pleasant. In fact we're going shopping together for a birthday present for her sister today.

Yesterday she sunbathed while I decorated and did some of the domestic stuff to give her a break and she was actually, genuninely nice to me, we were discussing my brothers marital problems in fact. The irony seemed lost on her. That 'compartmentalization' that Dr Harley mentions is complete isn't it?

How can she be like that yet defend in her mind or heart the devastation to me of this A?

Odd times for sure. I will just try to avoid LBs and meet ENs.

I am physically missing love and affection right now. I realise I have not been without before in 22 years. I guess I'm withdrawing too....

Bob,
Just checking up on you. I see that you had a bit of a roller coaster ride this weekend. Highs and lows are to be expected for you right now, you have experienced a shock and the aftermath is just awful... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

How does the room look? Did you and the dog spend some quality time together? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It seems as if your W is just going through the motions of living in your home, as we have said here before, she is in the FOG. She is in withdrawal from the OM's attention and worst of all, she will not even admit that she is addicted. That is all CLASSIC WS behaivor, nothing new at all, she is textbook WS material.

You are going to need to focus on doing the best Plan A possible. You know that she was having EN's met by the OM, now YOU meet them! It will NOT be easy to focus on making her happy when it seems that she is not interested in making you happy at all. Plan A is humbling and frustrating to be sure, but it very often turns the tide on an otherwise hopeless marriage. It IS worth the effort after 20+ years and 2 children together.

I understand your situation with the karate, she is the expert, it is her identity, she is having LOTS of needs met through her sport. That continues to be dangerous, but at this point you need to be aware of it without making demands for it to stop. You know that. The excessive time spent apart in a sport/hobby often leads to distance in a marriage, it is where many affairs begin. You need to go with her to these tournaments, PERIOD! There is just no way that her going where the OM will be is going to do anything but damage any chance of salvaging your M. If she is with you and he sees that, REALITY will strike! Don't worry about confronting him or feeling uncomfortable, HE should be the one worried about running into you!

They have a fantasy relationship, away from home and their partners and not having to deal with any day to day life issues. Yep, it's easy to meet each other's needs on a trip in a hotel room. It's paying the bills, taking care of your home and kids that complicate a fantasy. She thinks he will be waiting for her no matter how long it takes, I seriously doubt that. Again, classic "WS speak"

OK, I could go on forever, so I will stop. I want you to focus on small things. You cannot control her thoughts. Plan A, take good care of yourself. Spend time with your children. Although they don't know of the affair, I bet they know something is wrong. Try to focus on something positive each day.

You are in my prayers, Ladysing

Ladysing I am dying inside. My W just told me over an othrwise lovely lunch that she feels unfaithful to HIM, her soulmate by showing me any affection... *sigh*

this karate stuff just may be what prevents us from ever recovering....

Its too hard and I am too broken, I don't think i can do this. Really....

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob, Good morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was wondering how much exposure this A has gotten?? Friends, family, I understand the children don't know. Good, phew!!

I would guess that if she does contact him, full exposure might be necessary. By not exposing you enable her to continue. Just something to keep in mind in case. I'm going by one of your post yesterday I think, when you said you think she might have made contact.

Have you guess agreed to radical honesty???

I agree with Ladysing, if she cont. her tourn. which it looks like she has every intention too, than she needs to agree that you go with. POJA. She needs to understand, not like, but understand that you need this and so does your M.

I'm a very passive woman so I did show my H affection, but I didn't like it, nor did I want to in the early stages of withdrawal. I was just too afraid not to. Not because of physical consequences, I just like to steer clear of confrontation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am working on that though.

Your W is with you Bob, not in mind, but in body, this speaks volumes. She is thinking with her brain, she realizes this is the right choice, the rational choice, it is just going to take some time for her heart to catch up with her brain.

(((BOB)))

I hope today is an "up" for you.

KY

JY & LS What my WW agrees to changes by the hour and the day. The A is over, THEN she can't imagine never seeing him again. She wants to try to fix our marriage, THEN he will always be in her soul, she knows she should never see him again but refuses (now) to contemplate giving up refereeing or indeed any teeny shred of the unfettered independence I have engendered in her over the years.

We are just both so very sad and I am tired of being this sad and dysfunctional.

She was just extra sad so I held her and said " however sad you get , know that I know your pain and I love you. I know that doesn't help, and you may not even care, but now you know"

She said " I know" and left to collect our kids.

I am so tired of being sad, so tired of being giving just...so...tired of all this.

I have never been this dysfunctional and incapable before anny previous crisis.

Strangely - we went shopping together this morning and my WW chose some smart new clothes for me, to complement my new waistline. That should be positive, right ?

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Strangely - we went shopping together this morning and my WW chose some smart new clothes for me, to complement my new waistline. That should be positive, right ? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You BS are so lucky, losing all that weight on the infidelity diet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


(complete joke, total sarcasm)


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She was just extra sad so I held her and said " however sad you get , know that I know your pain and I love you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So sweet of you, exactly what she needs, even if she doesn't know it yet.

I wasn't genuinely happy for months, it came slowly. I never thought I would find true happiness again, not even a glimpse of it.

Now I'm having days of true happiness in a row.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak, Bob, I'm so sorry you are consumed and paralyzed by your pain. It will get better, I know that isn't enough right now, but it really will. Your pain will ease, but until that happy day vent away, pray for your W, no LB, and stay strong.

KY

MONTHS until my baby knows happiness again ? Poor baby. poor , poor baby.

I hope I can do this for her. Thanks again KY {{{ky}}} I know I'm a rambling pathetic mess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I'm a rambling pathetic mess.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No Bob, unfortunetly you are a BS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope I can do this for her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will be waiting, like you, for the day that she realizes this, that you are doing this for her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KY

oops! Double dad-gummed data duplication diatribe, better known as a double post. Sorry!

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Bob

This is typical fog drivel! My W just told me over an othrwise lovely lunch that she feels unfaithful to HIM, her soulmate by showing me any affection... *sigh*

The positive part of this, is that she's telling you Plan A is working. It's making her THINK. The voice that's speaking is guilt and shame.

Remember, this is NOT your WIFE. Her brain has been abducted by "aliens", and her thought process right now is not her own. She knows not of what she speaks.

Continue on the supportive path of Plan A. Apologize for some of the specific things you KNOW you were not up to par in in the marriage, Pre-Affair.

Tell her you understand her confusion. Make her know you are a safe place for her to land. Show her you are strong enough to endure this process, and welcome her back with strong, supportive arms.

Keep finding positive things to do, like your painting, to keep your mind OFF the sadness and dispair. All of the positive things you do around the house will be deposits in her Love Bank. Search you mind for things she might have asked for, and you procrastinated, and never got them done. Do them now.

Plan A will continue to confuse her, and will continue to make her THINK. Keep it up!

SD

So much care for a big ol' Englishman. I am truly touched and grateful.

SD thats pretty much what I'm doing - mechnical stuff I should've done months ago. Wouldn't 've stopped the A but they've been niggling my WW for a while.

She's trying to spend as little time with me as possible right now though, but I am managing a good 3-4 hours per day of proper interaction with her, without LBs. That is way more than ever pre A so its not a bad start.

I just need to control my symptoms ( mood swings, shaking, loss of appetite, tiredness). Some of these may be the A-D meds still kicking in. I'm trying to hide them from WW.

I really love her you know. I do.