When do the physical symptoms of shock begin to abate for a BS ? I am still shaking, nauseous, raised heartrate despite a-d meds. When will this stop ? Its exascerbating my feelings of hopelessness and panic. Its all too much today again. I am too sad, too weak.

I just asked my WW if she minded if I confided in my best friend - hes an old mutual friend of ours. She said 'not bothered'.

She has no shame, no regret. It was a beautiful thing, meeting her soul mate, and she wants the world to know how nobly she is trying to stay in this loveless marriage until she can go to be with OM ( my words, not hers).

This is terrible...Terrible...when does it get better?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is terrible...Terrible...when does it get better?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">October 1, 2004, hang on you are almost there.

{{{Bob}}}

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

KY

WW just got a mobile phone call. She said' " hello. Yes. Ok. Bye"

I asked * nicely* who called and she said 'I can't live like that, I won't tell you'.

I said 'Baby, right now it hurts me that you won't share simple details like that considering the situation that we're in'.

She told me dismissively that it was a friend with a plausable query about our daughter's sleepover. I don't believe her. How can she hurt me so? If she is in NC why won't she demonstrate it to me?

Dear GOD this is KILLING ME !

This is pathetic. I am pathetic. I want to die and be out of this misery. Really. She wants me to take her word that she's in NC despite her every word to me being a lie for the previous month. dear God how can I do this HOW can I do this Lord? I am CRIPPLED. BROKEN ! Dear God above.....

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

{{{{hugs}}}}

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm so sad for you, with you.

I was willing to give up my cell. I think she should give hers up, can you get your hands on it??? It will be a major LB if she sees you, but then you could have peace of mind.

*69 brings up the last call #

Love her Bob, love her through this, win her heart and mind over. The OM is a snake, truly a snake, she will see this eventually. He is a predator.

I'm sorry he chose your W.

Her hostility and her evasiveness are not good signs.

one more for the road {{{Bob}}}

I pay for the phone so I could cancel easily, but that surely would be a massive LB and she would just use a friends phone or a payphone instead, right ? And it would mean I couldn't call her too.

The phone is just the conduit, its her atitude thats broken. I am not stiff enough for this test, not now. I am too broken. Dear Jesus help me.

My WW has a 'swagger' about her, as though she's proud of what she's done. She has made not one single act that shows contrition or even concern for my situation. I know she's in a fog but its a very very self absorbed one.

I wonder if she has been in NC? I really hope against hope that she has. I am dysfunctional, I don't know what to do. well I DO know what to do but I am not strong enough I do not think.

Good morning Bob,

I have read a few of your posts and feel so bad for you <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am very fortunate (Believe it or not) with my wife's A she broke it off her self. My wife is KYellow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It was the hardest emotional thing I have ever been through and would not wish this on anyone. My wife told me on 3/15 and I still remember that day like it was yesterday. The heart break I felt was indescribable. I could not imagine going through 5-6 months of this knowing the A was going on. I always loved my wife very much but was not always there for her and I soon realized this shortly after D-Day. I then did all I could to make myself more appealing to her. I lost 50lbs since D-Day but most of that was from stress <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I then spent every moment I could with her to try to keep her mind of from OM. I was sweet to her buying her flowers and taking her out to eat quit frequently. I did everything I could to keep her occupied. Let me tell you one thing though at no point up till a couple weeks ago did I trust her. For the first few months I checked the phone every day when I got home from work, I checked the cell phone bill to see who called her cell phone and who she had called. I asked her tons of questions every day and I am sure it was love busting to some extent but I let her know that if she was to talk to OM I would know about it. I am sorry your situation is not like this because my wife understood what she did was wrong and understood that what I was doing to her was deserving. I had to walk on egg shells for awhile til she came out of the fog but when she did, I took every step in my life to make sure this would never happen again. I have not read all of your posts but I will help you in any way I can. This is a horrible thing your wife did to you and what my wife did to me but it was something I did to contribute to her actions and I owned up to it and changed it. My wife tells me I did the complete step A to a T without even reading it? I hope all works out for you. I will be here for you if you need any help.

Shiv

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: shiveringtimbers ]</small>

Bob,

I forgot something. The second thing I did after my wife told me was I changed the phone numbers of both cell phone and home phone. You may have a problem with this since your wife is still in the fog not desperatly trying to get out of it. My wife knew she was in a fog and knew she needed help getting out of it and knew she couldn't do it on her own.

Thank you ST. Your wife has been very helpful to me so far, kiss her cheek for me please. X

My WW situation is diffrent - her A had barely gone physical and theres almost messianic worship of him. However she tells me NC maintained and I believe her.

She has just told me however that she intends to attend a tournament on 22 Aug whether he is there or not.

Now that's a long way off. She may be out of the fog a bit by then, and if not I can't stop her anyway. Maybe Planb ?

I am thinking of contacting OM and finding his attendence plans but to rely on the decency of this lothario to assure NC is pretty slim.

When WW is more lucid I'll ask that I go along to the tournament.

Bob,
Is the other man married?

I would seriously think of talking with him if you can keep your cool! I myself in my situation am not sure if I could of did that. But you need to find some way to continue and ensure the NC continues. That is the only way you wife will come out of the fog.

I think I have realised something. Because my WW doesn't know about MB or the 'affair' template, she thinks all she has to do in order to get over the A is stop having sex with the OM. She thinks my NC extraordinary measures suggestions are just post-A paranoia of mine.

How sad. She won't listen to reason either so I won't try, else it will LB. I can only hope and trust that she stays NC.

Can't do more. I'm off for a pint with my mate tonight. Lets hope I'm not too much of a buzzkill for him .

ST the OM is three times divorced , currently has a live-in partner half his age. hence my poor W wife losing lots of weight, dying her hair etc recently....

I have already spoken with him since D-day.

I think an email wouldn't hurt to find a schedule. But at least I am going with my WW to the tournaments.

Bob, Does the live in girl freind know about all of this? I hope that you have enlightened her to put a little preasure on him.

That is great that you are going to the tournament with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Love her Bob and don't LB. Love her the way she wants and needs to be loved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Bob Pure:
theres almost messianic worship of him.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good... this means her infatuation is totally an unrealistic fantasy ... OM can not be the Messiah .... even tho she needs him to be....
This actually works in your favor overall....

She's headed for a fall.

Pep

ST I do not think she does know yet, but she suspects. I hope to use telling her as a lever to keep him away from my W.

Besides I am sure my WW would consider it a huge LB if I told the OMs GF.

Not sure what to do. Advice ?


Trouble is ST my WW want sto be loved by me at a distance and without any questions...just like pre A that led to the A.

ps my WW doesn't know yet that I am going to tournaments. I will wait until another couple of weeks of de-fog have gone by before raising the Q.

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

You need to tell her ASAP. The more exposure the better. You need to make it as difficult for her to see him as possible. If she was out of the fog the exposure would not be necessary. Tell anyone that would be a major factor in this womens life.

KY said to search for WAT'S exposure 101.

Bob:

Don't ask or tell your W that you are informing the OM's GF. Did she inform you that she was planning on having an A?

Also, "ask" 2 go 2 the 2rnament NOW. But don't take NO for an answer. Tell her you're going 2 go. The preferred order should be:

1. She doesn't go.
2. If she "must" go, she takes you with her.
3. If she wants 2 go by herself, refer 2 numbers 1 and 2.

While it is noble 2 want 2 be able 2 trust her, you are learning that it is unhealthy 2 blindly trust anybody, particularly someone you've invested so much of your own life in.

-ol' 2long

Would that not make OM contact my W ? Bear in mind he told my W they have relationship troubles anyway ( they all do, liars).

Bob,
You need to tell her. You need to bring it out into the open. Does he work for a business instructing? tell his boss drop a letter in the mail box to his boss, parents, freinds anyone you can think of that will put preasure on him to leave your wife alone. This is not love busting this is standing up for what is right and saving your marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
When she comes out of the fog she will thank you for it.