Bob,
I am going to take the "tough love" approach and you might not agree but here goes:

First, change your W's cell #. Get a new phone/plan and tell her that you felt this was a necessary step in stopping contact. You are afraid that it will be a LB? That can be used against you in any thing that you are doing to save your marriage. You will enable her to continue if you do not take a stand!

The affair MUST be exposed to the OM's girlfriend. You are afraid that it will be a LB? Again, you must take a stand or she is not going to come around. He "says" he is having relationship trouble anyway? They ALL say that! LIES! By telling your W his GF won't care, he absolves himself of feeling like he is commiting adultary. Exposure is the quickest way to stop the fantasy of an affair! PLEASE read what Dr. Harley has to say about this issue, it is KEY to your recovery.

You 'plan" to go with her to the tournaments but don't want to "ask" because it might be a LB? HUH? Is everything that you want to do to reclaim YOUR wife going to be a LB and therefore off limits? REMEMBER that it was her decision to have an affair. It was a LB to you, she did not ask permission before she engaged in a relationship with the OM. You are going to have to fight for your marriage. Let her know that you understand how inportant the tournaments are to her and that you want to support her by being there with her. End of story. If she goes alone, I think the PA will resume.

If you are afraid that any actions you take will send her back into the OM's arms, you will enable her to continue in an affair with him. she will KNOW that you are afraid and that she can continue on with whatever she pleases. At some point, she is going to have to CHOOSE, she cannot continue in the FOG forever. be sure that you look like a strong man who was willing to do whatever it took to get your wife back. In the end, she will respect you for it although right now she will see it as interference.

Remember that you are not dealing with a rational person at this time.

Prayers to you, Ladysing

Thanks. It is counter-intuitive for me to tell the OM girlfriend but if I must I must. I will call her tomorrow.

I am so very sad.

Purebob - It is hard for everyone to tell the OP's partner. But it is absolutely, positively necessary. Sometimes it ends the affair. At the very least, it will cause OM lots of problems.

So do it.

Bob

When you call the OM's GF, be sure you have some verifiable evidence to share with her, if possible. She may go into complete denial.

Also, do this with no attitude whatsoever. You are doing this as an act of love, for your WW.

You mean no harm, you are just in love with your WW and you are telling OM's GF, in an attempt to thwart any more contact between your WW and OM.

Be calm, cool and collected, and assure her you are only interested in saving your marriage, because you love your WW.

This is a big step for you in getting NC to become a reality. When OM's GF is in the "know", it will certainly be harder for OM to make contact with your WW.

In fact, SHE may even show up at the next tourney <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This is absolutely the right thing for you to do, and to do NOW!

SD

PS: It will also "empower" you a bit, knowing you did something that will most likely make a big impact on ending the A.

Thanks. I will call OMs partner later today. I have also removed my Ws cellphone until I can get the number changed. The phone was a tool of the A anyway and WW is far too agressivley secretive for it to be safe right now.

Big stuff, and I look forward to a horrible encounter when she finds out in the morning.

Dear God, give the strength to do what I must do today and please let these actions not drive my WW back to the OM. I am so very scared.

Amen.

Bob, my pommie mate. This stuff really works which is why everyone is telling you the best plan.

When my H told OM's w, it really put an end to everything. OM never intended to leave his w for me and I was some sort of "add on" to his marriage.

If he ever contacted me again he knows that Rob would be on the phone to his w within minutes. I'm assuming - I have no way of knowing - he is trying to work on his marriage and he just wouldn't risk it.

Your w probably will be mad as hops, but you have to go to whatever lengths you see fit.

Jenny

KiwiJ, OMs partner is just a girlfriend though, not a W. If they were married I'd already have contacted her. They COULD have a really soggy relationship so all this does is makes OM come after my W to replace his now absent GF. All so complex.

GF, wife, it doesn't matter. I'm betting the relationship isn't nearly as soggy as OM makes out. I'm betting the GF thinks they've got a pretty good relationship.

Rob did worry, as all BS's do when they tell the OM's w, that it gives the OM a chance to say, well you know now so I'll just leave. It hardly ever happens. But, there's always that chance - and it's a chance worth taking if you ask me.

Someone (I think it was 2long) said to me on here just after Rob told OM's w "He's not going to be calling now - he'll be too busy dodging flying crockery." It made me smile and I hope it makes you smile.


Jen

Thanks Jen. I hope it doesn't make him violent towards me. He is a karate expert and could kill me. It seems I must do this thing. My WW is going to hate today as much as I have hated the last 15 days. Be strong, Bob.

Go be with your man, jen. And thanks again.

Bob, I've edited out what I just said. It sounded wrong somehow. What I meant was, if you did read it, is that these big tough guys are just like anyone else. They can crumble just like anyone else.

I do have to go now - it's dinner time here.

Be strong.

Jen

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 02:32 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Jen I understand what you meant, its fine !

I have decided I won't have the fight about the cellphone today. I will see if WW chooses our family outing rather than her karate overnite this weekend first. If she chooses US it will be the first tangible occasion where WW will put US before herself since d-day. If she chooses karate I will confiscate her mobile and endure her spite as calmly as I can.

We went to the gym together then had a wonderful lunch. We discussed more than ever since d-day. the tournament thing came up and I just said 'you need to do what you think is right. Just know that the odds are aginst us fixing our marriage if you meet him again.' She was adamant she will attend the tournament.

I explained that I remain completely supportive of WW's sport, just not any contact with OM. It is contact I seek to avoid not her sport involvement. We discussed whether she was so adamant because of her sport OR because it is a great opportunity to meet OM again. She said nothing but shrugged.

She told me that she expected me to throw her out when I discovered the A. I said that I found a capacity to love and tolerate that I never knew existed within me. She listened. It was a great talk. No LBs.

She was OK, quite grown up and light hearted almost over lunch. But started to weep in the car coming home, and is now weeping in the bedroom alone. I can't help her. I think she is missing OM. She truly loves him as of now. That makes me feel like dirt, but at least she is showing emotions after 2 weeks.

Poor baby. I really can't help her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

BP

That is great that you had your talk. I would suggest being with her while she is on this emotional roller coaster. Hold her don't let her go through this alone! When the A was exposed by my wife I called into work took a week off and took my wife and kids on a vacation out of town. It worked well for me and my wife. Trust me it was not a truly enjoyable vacation it was very emotional at night for both of us. But during this time I found what my wife was getting from OM that I was not giving her and corrected my actions.

Did you tell OM GF yet?

If not this needs to be done ASAP to put some preasure on him to continue NC.

ST I don't know how to contact her except through OMs home number. I only know her first name. Not sure how to get in touch.

It is clear to me that WW is fearful of letting down her sports coach by not reffing tournaments any more BUT she doesn't want to tell him about teh A as an excuse because he is friends with the OM.

So very complicated. I must leave it a few days for the fog to lift some more before discussing NC again. I think WW was upset at the final realization that NC means NC not just 'non sexual contact'. She even agreed that if roles were reversed she could not bear me to see OW but cannot lose face by giving up reffing.
poor girl. Misplaced decency. I'll give her a few days.

Today has been the best day since D-day. Life is still a dreadful, complex, loveless sham, but we learned some things about each other's feelings today. I hope WW gets up tomorrow remembering this ( but she won't).

Bob:

do you know her sports coach? Reason I ask is that you might be able 2 expose the A 2 him yourself. BUT, don't do it if you don't know him. He would need 2 be a morally upright person 2 be useful in putting pressure on his friend 2 stick with NC, rather than a source of more manipulation of your W.

Delicate.

I would think that paying 50 bucks or so 2 find out how 2 contact the OM's GF would be more valuable.

best,
-ol' 2long

Call her and let her know what it going on.

2long, I know the coach, he has a long history of serious infidelity himself, with children by wife, and at least 2 girlfriends at the same time. His most recent GF's baby has just been born. Fidelity is no issue to him,clearly. Exposure to him may only be useful in explaining why WW needs to stop reffing or meeting OM at least.

Believer I do not know how to contact the OMs GF except by OMs home phone number. What do I do if he answers ?

My heart is frozen with fear over all this.

Sweetie - Do phones in New Zealand hang up? I would keep calling until she answers. Use someone else's phone in case they have caller ID. Don't let your wife or him know that you are doing this. Otherwise they will make up some story that you are crazy.