Hey Bob,

{{{{{{Bob}}}}}}}

My heart breaks every time I read your thread. My wounds that I think are healing, crash right open.

Definitely tell OM's G. I discovered my H's EA a year ago and it crossed my mind to tell OW's H, but I didn't. OW's H found out further evidence a few months after me, more than I knew about their affair, and he too thought about calling me, but he didn't. It wasn't until 7 months ago that I found out more and I called OW's H. By then, it was too late for his M and they were filing for D. Since then, I've been hanging on for dear life to my M, plan A'ing my butt off, and my H still loves OW.

My point is, make sure you expose fully NOW. I should have....maybe their fantasy life would have come crashing down a lot sooner. I was deceived and lied to for 5-6 months after my initial discovery. It was no "friendship", it was a full blown love affair. Don't make my mistakes, Bob, take these experts' advice....I wish I would have.

Oh God I am broken. Please help me Lord Jesus....

I can't live like this. I can't. Hopeless. Loveless. Help me God.

This is my worst day ever. I am shaking, crying, heaving, WW is sulking about having withdrawn even the slight friendliness I have had until yesterday. I think she called him y'day but she says not.

What can I do ? Just accept the lies and the craziness and try to get on with my life around the mess or what ? Can't change anything, can't acceot anything. Just have to be tossed by the storm. I can't do it....I just can't...you are all stronger than I am. I can't do it....

Tried to call OM GF today also and home phone number always engaged. I think OM has left off the hook. Great.

Dear God help me.... why have you abandoned me ?

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Hello Bob...

Wish I could do more than just say - hang in there, this WILL pass.

You cannot do anything wrong right now by doing your best to not LB now.

And you need to get help for yourself, my dear.
I thought I knew better than Dr. Harley. I thought I didn't need NC (OW was my best friend you see). I thought "my case was different". I thought Dr Harley "didn't know about how very special and different my situation was" so his principles wouldn't apply here. Boy was I wrong..
What I mean is... Dr Harley KNOWS what he is talking about. When you feel up to it, read, read, read, and take his advice very seriously.
You can call him if you cannot find a good counsellor in GB. Or did you find one already?

Hang in there. It WILL get better.
(((Bob)))

Bob:

Begging your pardon, but why the hell haven't you called either Steve Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers, or Penny Tupy?????????


You need 2 do this NOW. You need 2 get yourself on a personal recovery track NOW.

You also may need 2 consult with a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids. NO WAY should your W be allowed 2 expose them 2 the OM!!!

Get busy!!

-ol' 2long

2long I am in the UK. There is no marriage builders over here.

Bob:

Penny Tupy will coach via email.

-ol' 2long

Brownhair I KNOW how important NC is and plan A but I can't MAKE my WW maintain NC. I can only hope and ask.

She is so fog bound that she thinks these karate tournaments are seperate meetings from the A. Its rubbish but other than locking her up I'm not sure what I can do other than try to be the husband she's forgotten I am. This is part of my frustration.

2long, not sure what a lawyer would do or say yet, my WW hasn't threatened the kids with anything, nor me with anything re: the kids.

Plan A is 2 help end the A, so NC isn't a given yet. It's a goal. It certainly does help.

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/

Go there.

-ol' 2long

I just read the 'exposure' thread.

It never ocurred tome that THREAT of exposure may be effective. My WW fears the OM GF and her own club coach knowing more than anything.

I could just say that if she persists in her intention to meet with OM at karate tournaments I will make sure that everyone knows about the A and everyone will be watching them like hawks. I have every reason to use any tools I have to try to rescue my marriage. She will hate me for that. Is there a way I could say that without it sounding like an LB demand ?

My WW has been unusually strident so far in this A but is a shy person and wouldn't want the disdain of friends and sport colleagues.Advice appreciated.

It never ocurred tome that THREAT of exposure may be effective.
Threats are not part of a marriage (healthy or otherwise).

My WW fears the OM GF and her own club coach knowing more than anything.
If the affair is ongoing, they should be notified ASAP.

I could just say that if she persists in her intention to meet with OM at karate tournaments I will make sure that everyone knows about the A
No, you SHOULD just say that you have told everyone about the affir.
No "THREATS"!

and everyone will be watching them like hawks.
Don't expect (or assumne) that everyone/anyone will do anything to end the affair, ie. be on your side and "condemn" them. IN fact, simply let people know the affair is ongoing and you are trying to save your marriage. Leave it at that.

She will hate me for that.
She will surely get pretty ticked off about it, yes, but you are NOT doing it to get back at them. You are doing it simply to end the affair.

Is there a way I could say that without it sounding like an LB demand ?
No. If you "threaten exposure" then it is a BIGTIME LB!

But when is an affair ended ? She has not seen him since D day, She behaves as if she is in withdrawal. She is living with me. She says the A is over but she says she can't bear it to be. She still thinks he is her soul mate who will ride up and rescue her from this loveless sham of a marriage some day soon.

So is the affair ended ?

Whose rules dictate when the a is over? Mine ? WWs ?

IMO the A is only over when WW acts rationally and discusses options and next steps with me. While she is foggy nothing is ended.

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 01:54 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

This makes no sense.
The affair cannot continue if there is no contact.

IMO the A is only over when WW acts rationally and discusses options and next steps with me.
And by “options and next steps”, you mean to repair the marriage? What if she rationally and calmly chooses not to repair the marriage but still never has any contact with om again?

Chris, forgive me but you redact my posts as if they were written by some expert rather than this neurotic betrayed sprouse who is walking a fine line between enforced sanity and suicidal madness.

My WW has promised me NC since d-day three weeks ago. Does that mean the A is over ? She will meet OM ( unless God smiles upon us and prevents it) at a tournament on the 22nd August. Does that mean the A is back on ? the PA is over for now, but the EA is alive in my WWs heart thats for sure.

By options I simply mean that my WW has to value our marriage enough to actively work at mending it. That will surely only come after some considerable time after NC maintained.

Please do not let my clumsy nomenclature cloud my meaning. The 'affair' in my terms is the physical and emotional obsession my WW has with OM. Is that over because NC for three weeks ?

I do not see that my WW will ever stop loving this man, and so will never 'defog'. BUT the fine people on here tell me it WILL happen some time and I need to be strong and there for her when it does happen.

I want my wife to love me again more than anything. I want to build a great marriage for all four of us. But that seems far from me right now.

No offense given in my posts. Simply responding to your comments directly.

If the affair is continuing, then there has to be some contact or at least planned contact, not just “hoped for” contact.

She will meet OM ( unless God smiles upon us and prevents it) at a tournament on the 22nd August. Does that mean the A is back on ?
When you write And even if they do see each other, that does not necessarily mean the affair is continuing.

My WW has promised me NC since d-day three weeks ago. the PA is over for now, but the EA is alive in my WWs heart thats for sure.

By options I simply mean that my WW has to value our marriage enough to actively work at mending it.
Almost always the ws feels like warmed over crapola for a few months before they even consider “working” on the marriage. This does not mean the affair is continuing though. It simply means they have a lot to deal with.

I guess yes, it could be difficult to define the “end” of the affair if one is going to use the feelings of the ws as a gauge. But then there are almost always and forever, a few “warm feelings” from the affair. Is this the same as the affair continuing? Not in my opinion.

My WW shows no signs of feeling bad about anything but missing the OM. I yearn for the day that she says she's sorry, if she ever does.

I've only had defiance so far. Its a toughie.
except she IS in my house and family and in NC so theres some shred of rationality I guess.

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob,

I feel for you. Both my parents have past and my WH is the only family I have. When he walked out in March I just wanted to die. I found MB six weeks later, this website has been so helpful to me. I don't have any children, but remember you have two beautiful children who needs their father right now.

The first thing I learn was to expose the affair. This was the hardest thing for me do. I felt like I was betraying him in some odd way. I later learn that if I didn't expose the A that I'm letting them live their secret fantasy life.

When I expose, I did it in a loving way. I told his family and friends that I'm exposing the affair to save my marriage, which I was. I wasn't going to be enabler to the affair. After I expose I found I had wonderful people who love and support me. I found most of my strength from my in-laws who told me I will always be part of the family no matter what happens with WH. My in-laws also told me the OW will never be part of this family.

I know the pain is unbearable, I still cry, sometimes for hours. You will find the strength to go on, and keep your chin up. I know its hard. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. BTW, when you expose the A you will have more people praying for your marriage. Prayer is Powerful.

Hey Bob,

I know your in pain...I've been there too. Trust me it does get better. You have to be strong for your kids...they need you because their mother is failing them. My son is what kept my head above the water, what kept me from driving my car off the road....whenever I felt that way, I would think of my precious boy who needs me. Be strong for your kids please.

God has not forsaken you. When others have been unfaithful to us, we can find comfort in God's great faithfulness and unfailing love.

Isaiah 41: 10 Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

I found that when I felt my lowest, only reading scripture brought me peace and comfort. If you have a Bible, look in the back for God's promises to us and find the topics that you need. Read them. Don't give up on turning to God. He will not fail you. He has rescued me, Bob. I was where you are not too long ago. Please keep your faith. I will pray for you.

HD & WGUY I envy your faith and your hope. I have been left with little of either right now.

Last evening, for about three hours I was not hopeless - able to function. Now after a fitful night's sleep I am broken once mnore, hopless, helpless, betrayed. I cannot continue like this yet I do not know how to make my self think differently.

My WW could not be colder to me and still live in my house without the kids picking up on it.

I am so loveless I need the loving human touch I have enjoyed every day for 22 years until the last 3 weeks. My kids are on school summer vacation and are fighting all the time right now too, adding to the general joy (S 7 and D 11 fight like cat and dog when they spend too much time together like all siblings). Every time I have to correct them my WW looks at me like I am an unfit father. She is being so unfair in leaving all the correction to me right now to make me look and feel bad.

This is psychological torture at its absolute best.

I am beginning to think I know what hell is like - eternal seperation from love and forgiveness. Dear God grant me balance and strength to cope with all this while you sort out all our hearts. Amen.

Your prayers and concern for this sad stranger are very touching. Please continue, we need all the help we can get.

(((MB ers )))

My WW could not be colder to me and still live in my house without the kids picking up on it
Actually, the kids picked up on it a long time ago, probably before you did.
Right now they are confused as heck and simply wondering what is going on.