H was just here awhile ago.

He was a bit moody, said it was his sore hip.

I was hoping he would stay the night again ( we were together on the weekend).

He seemed in a hurry to leave. Iasked him if he is still with someone, adn he was evasive.

(I know he was with her last week)

I jsut want some honesty from him, instead of all these lies, hiding.

He took off. I followed him to our house where he had stopped off, and confronted him. He threatened me, adn left.

I called the ow on her cell on said its me and I think we need to have a talk" She said ok she would call me back on a landline.

He called my cell a minute later, messeged me to stay out of his f*** business dn if i wont do that stay out of his life.

I know she called him right away and told him I called her.

NOw he messeged me as I am writng aand said "WHAT???"

I am so upset, but I think this is plan B now

I dont'[ know what i was going to say to her.
Maybe tell her what he has been telling me , find out what her feelings are toward him, tell her htat I am not the ***** he says, that I love him and want him, that he has been sleeping with me, in case she doenst know, that I understand how hard it is for her being a widow, but htat there is someone else for her,

maybe tell her a few things about him, the abuse over the years ( I heard her father murdered her mother years ago and she hates abusers).

I guess I jsut am so sick of all the hiding I want things out in the open.

I am too upset right now to think straight, but maybe it is time to go to plan B, tell him that he can look me up when he is ready to be married.

No more lies, no more cheating.

Mutuaal honesty, monogamy, accountability, responsibility.

shul -

Calm down and cool down. You need to make good choices right now.

I will be praying for you. The MB program has several plans. It might be time for Plan B, but please think about it first.

Thank you believer.

The other day he said he will try to come here once a week at least, I kept thinking about that, that he is splitting his time between us- she goes there to see him on weekends, adn he drops by here to have sex or whatever....

I can't live like that.

I should at least have the choice, at least know the truth so I can decide if I want to be with him while he is with her, right?


I am jsut so tired of being in limbo.

He said I am back to playing games, but its not me who is playing games. Its him.

Was he just going to keep doing this forever?

I was hoping that eventually his conscience would bother him and he would be convicted about this situation. That God would deal with him about it.

Right now I don't know what to do, but I know I am not in a frame of mind to talk to him.

I am going to go dark for now.

I didn't reply to his messages.

I am scared that I have made things worse somehow.

Hi Shul.

I hope you don't mind me responding.

I am not sure it is correct, just my observations.

I know what plan A says. It sounds like you are trying very hard to Plan A.

Please do not be a doormat. He is wanting to have both of you. Obviously, he is not anywhere near where he sees how wrong he is.

If you feel you can handle this, you are doing great. Just looking in, I hate to see you there allowing him to treat you this way.

H and I have talked a lot about this lately. If I had continued to go back to OM after he confronted him, he does not feel he would have plan A'd. He would have left, plain and simple.

Please do not take this as advice on what you should do. I hate to see you hurt like this.

Just know you have others rooting for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Hang in there. Do what you can handle.

I told H how I would have found it very unappealing if he had just stayed around and offered himself to me if I had kept it going with OM. I would have wanted to see strength from him. Iknow this does not help you, just thoughts.

Please know I don't know enough to advise, i just felt compelled to answer to let you know you have others thinking of you.'

Blessings,

RAP

YOU are doing great. Hang in there. Keep posting. More mature MBers will help a lot better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rap,

Thank you so much for replying. It means a lto to me. I know you all have your own stuff going on

I have tried so hard these past 18 years. He has left me so many times and come back.

He does know that what he is doing is wrong. But he justifies it in his mind.

And I have let him. I have said nothing, done nothing all this time.

All these years I have just been loving, forgiven him no matter what.

I couldn't do anything else. I have sinned, made mistakes in my life, so many of them, and God has forgiven me for everything.

I understand only too well what he is feeling, what he is going through. I am not in a position to throw stones.


I have prayed so long and looked for the slightest sign of hope...

And this past month it seemed like he wanted to be here. When he has come here, like this past weekend we have had great sex, fun, his needs were met, he said he loves me , acted in loving ways, but he has still been calling her, going there and she has been going to stay with him on the weekends.

I know he does love me, but he has no reason to stop being with her.

No consequences at all, except his own conscience. He has been lying for so long, but I know it was getting to him.

He got this very hard look on his face tonight when I asked him if he was still with her. It was to cover up the terrible guilt he feels.

He doesn't 'get' love, or forgiveness.

If someone did this to him he would never forgive them.

He still hasn't forgiven me for something that I said on the first day of our marriage 18 years ago. He hasn't forgiven other people for things that they did 35 years ago.

I think it is best if I just go dark.

He left off with a very nasty text message to me, telling me to mind my own business or stay out of his life.

I don't want to make things worse,provoke him into saying anything that will be hard for him to take back.

So I will go dark.

I have done my utmost to love him. Now we will see if it was enough.

Please pray for him , all of you. I know she is there with him tonight.


I am going to shelter in Gods arms and pray that He can intervene, even turn this around for good.

Shul, sweetie i have been praying for you and that you would make the right decisions that God would have you to make. i don't really have any sound advice to offer but it would seem like you kind of set yourself up for hurt when you ask your H questions which you probably know the answer. so IMO you should probably keep doing what you are doing and NOT asking him questions about the OW or the A or you need to go to plan B. i guess in my mind, when all you can really think about is plan B then that's probably the time to do it.

but in the end you will have to make that decision because you are the only one in the situation (versus us here at MB telling you what to do). your H will be brought to his knees one way or another but it might not be in this life. If he's not saved he will certainly be brought to his knees in hell and if he is then he will be brought to his knees before God and fully realized what he has done in his life. Even though i was faithful in our M, i was not the W i should have been, the wife God wanted me to be and the W that my H needed me to be. i can't change the past, if i could i wouldn't be here. i don't know what the future holds for me and my M but i'm glad i was brought down on my knees in this life instead of the next and that way when i am in front of God someday i can at least say from the lowest point of my life (dday and taking a bottle of pills) i at least made an effort to rely on God and serve him the way i know he wants me to because i know God wants the best for his children and God has forgiven me for what i've done and he has FORGOTTEN what i have done even though i have not.

what am i trying to say? i guess it's still up to you, maybe this is just another test from God, maybe it's one of those times that you realize that when what you've been doing isn't working then it's time to do something else. continued prayers to you, RR

RR,

thank you for praying. I am at my wits end.

How can he keep up this lying, this double life?

Why does he come here and say he loves me, misses me, wants to be with me...if he is also with her?

Is he testing me? Is he trying to make up his mind between us?

I don't get it.

Sometimes he talked as if he didn't want to really be with her, but he kept going back.

He is headed for a fall I think.

I am thinking of driving out there this morning to see the place where he lives and see if her truck is there.

Maybe I will talk to her, I don't know.

I went to see where he lives and she was there with her kids, staying for the weekend.

We went to a park and talked for an hour.

She told me all about her life, how hard it was.

She said she feels bad about our daughter nad that she encouraged my h to visit her .She said I could bring her there to her house so she can see him
.
She has no idea how much it would hurt my D if she saw him with her little girls and knew this was shy he dones' t come around.

She thinks she is being magnanimous, generous. Even said she undestood my position, but that he will do what he wants.

She said if I need to be with him sometime, like this weekend, no problem, she will let him come . She doesn't mind if he sleeps with me, a I guess she figures its out of pity. Maybe it is.

Said she told H that he should just explain to her that he has a new family.

I was almost sick.

No wonder he has been so secretive .

He didn't want to hurt me or my D feelings, or have to deal with causing pain.

But I will not tell her. I couldn't bear to see her hurt anymore.

We just won't see him anymore I guess.

Its the price he has to pay for what he has done.

I have never felt so alone in my life as I do right now.

Why does he come here and say he loves me, misses me, wants to be with me...if he is also with her?

Because it keeps you just enough EN-filling to stay engaged in this relationship while he's on the fence eating his cake. Likely he's doing the exact thing to OW.

Is he testing me? Is he trying to make up his mind between us?

No, he doesn't want to make a decision. He wants both his marriage ~and~ his girlfriend.


Sometimes he talked as if he didn't want to really be with her, but he kept going back.

This is the addiction talking. he's on the fence and sooooo lost.

I am thinking of driving out there this morning to see the place where he lives and see if her truck is there.

This could be considered stalking....

And besides, she is not your problem, your husband is the cause of all this.


Maybe I will talk to her, I don't know.

She cannot make your husband choose either!

This is a sick situation and you are becoming infected.

Get away!

Pep

I told her to leep our conversaation betwen us if she can but it doens't matter either way.

I will take the heat for it.for interferening in his life or whatever.

I am just waiting to see how he is going to react, if he will call or show up here or what.

Every time the phone rings I jump out of my skin.

I have ben trying to think about what to say to him , but I don't know.

I would like to know how things are from his side. I get the feeling that he feels sorry for her and doesn't want to hurt her. Also she really thinks hes so nice and smart etc.

He gets an ego boost from it.

He said once that I always make him feel like a failure. Not enough appreciation.

He told me once that he tried to hook her up with a couple of guys, but no go.

I told her htat I an praying for her that she will meet someone who will really love her and be a partner to her and a father to her kids. she started crying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She said if I need to be with him sometime, like this weekend, no problem, she will let him come . She doesn't mind if he sleeps with me, a I guess she figures its out of pity. Maybe it is.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shul, I am so sorry. This is so totally whacked out, sick, and sad. Perhaps she thinks you have the same lack of self-respect and self-love that she does??? Who knows.

I think you do need to distance yourself from this madness. I will say a prayer for you, sweetie. What a nightmare.

SS

I will take the heat for it.for interferening in his life or whatever.

"Heat"... what do you mean exactly by "heat"? If you mean he will be angry, so what?

I am just waiting to see how he is going to react, if he will call or show up here or what.

Why are you waiting around? Take your child and go away for a few days... let him wonder where you are for a change.

Every time the phone rings I jump out of my skin.

Why? He's going to be a jerk to you ... so what?

He's not going to choose. He has no motivation to choose. he's getting what he needs from 2 women and 2 sets of kids.

I have ben trying to think about what to say to him , but I don't know.

Say nothing. Just listen. Then thank him for sharing his feelings. Then hang up.

But.... REALLY.... better yet, go away without a trace for awhile. Vacation time.

Pep

I called there and he answered. so I told him that I went by there today and that I saw her and that we talked.

He said , "I see" and he hung up.

The more I think about this, I think even though he is mad that I 'found out', the reason he has been keeeping things a secret is b/c he figures he will evenutally dump her and also that eh really was enjoying being with me these past few days.

He is probably scared that if I knew I would reject him, risks losing his wife and child.

She did say there has been no love talk between them at all, or relationship talk. She also said that for the most part they don't talk about me at all.

She said she doesn't want a commitment, she just likes being with him. She said he is so much niver than her husband was or her boyfriend.

I told her that I love him, and that I want him. She said she feels bad for our daughter, that she feels like she is stealing him away from time with her.

But she kept saying its his choice.

I want to sit down with him and tell him what was said. I didn't say anything against him at all, or against her.

I actually hugged her when we parted. She said she was sorry that this was causing me hurt, and I said I think we will all get hurt.

Anyway, now it is out in the open, he knows that I know she is there etc.

In a way it doesn't make any difference to how I feel. It is a bit of a relief to know , to not be in the dark, left out, wondering and not knowing when I see him, what he is really feeling.

I think he and I need to talk now. I think we can talk now.

Oh Shul -

Why don't you curl up out on the porch with a good book and a cup of coffee, just forget all this for awhile.

I wish I had something helpful to offer you. I think I will just visualize you out on the porch feeling peaceful and happy, with the breeze softly blowing in your hair, and some birds dancing back and forth among the trees. And then you laugh out loud at something funny you are reading in your book, and for a few hours you don't think about him at all.

Weaver


Weaver

I feel very anxious right now. Waves of fear going through me.

I know that they are probably talking about this, the two of them.

I have been trying to pray.

I know that he was trying to have his way in this situation with the least amount of harm to me and to our daughter.

I know he loves us. I know he doesn't love her.

The past few times I have been with him, his needs were being met, we got along, had fun.

I think he has been starting to feel drawn to me, but torn at the same time.

I think He got himself into a situation that it is hard to get out of without hurting her, and he does feel sorry for her.

I have known all along that he was still seeing her, and it didn't change anything. I still love him and want to be with him.

But we couldn't go anywhere because he was hiding from me. If he had said "I don't love her but I still want to be with her once in a while" or even just said that he didn't know what he wanted...if he would just be upfront with me...

He has to stop thinking of me as his mother or jail guard or whatever.

I wanted us to start over as friends, and as long as he was lying and hiding, that couldn't happen. Mabye now that things are out in the open .

I can understand that he was scared to talk about it, but its not fair to me, and I have a right to know.

Even she said that she told him its not fair that I never know where he is or what he is doing, and I am his wife.

I just wish he would talk to me. He hasn't really been open with me for years.

And that is part of why he likes being with her, he can talk about anything and she doesn't judge him.

I keep thinking of that verse,"make the tree good or make it evil."

With her he can be a 'good guy'. He doesn't want to look at his failures and shortcomings.

I think he just wants to be liked, accepted .

And there is so much about him that I do like.

Shul -

Have you ever told your husband what you just said here. About how you feel that he does not feel safe enough to open up to you? Maybe he needs to be absolutely sure that you are not going to get upset by what he says to you. How can you show him this? Maybe with each conversation you have with him that you don't react, the more and more safe he will feel. Are you in Plan A?

No I haven't foudn the words to say any of this to him.

He doesn't trust me . In the past when we had problems, a couple of times I told him to get out. He was very hurt.

But I have learned since then that there is nothing he could do that I would not forgive.

I don't know how to make him feel safe.

I have been in plan A, but it has been very hard because we have had so little contact. He was away working , or at her house, or busy with other things, the van and so on. It wasn't until he got th evan and moved to the other city that he started coming around to see me.

But it was going well. We had fun for the first time in years, we had fun sex, (as opposed to 'making love'), for the first time and it was good.

We managed to be relaxed together for a few hours except that it was strained conversation wise b/c of the pink elephant.

I thought it was going well.

Now I don't know what will happen. He can brood for days , weeks, when he is upset. And he will not be happy that I talked to her, but she will explain that it is better this way, and tha I have a right.

I still want to plan A, but I might lay off for a bit , not call etc.

I think I need to go dark and think about things before we talk, and I also want him to worry about whether now that things are out in the open I might just decide not to have anymore to do with him until he stops seeign her.

And that is a possibility.

It is something I have to pray about.

I can handle plan a, I have been doing it all along- this doesn't change anything.

My first reaction was to not have anything further to do with him, but I think that this can be an opportunity.

I don't want to push him into her arms.

But I do want him to experience a void, or the threat of him losing us.

He might need to. On the other hand you know the old "she will be fine they all get over it, move on..blah blah...

Weaver,

I have done an outstanding job of not getting upset when he says things to me.

(Until last night)

It is the frustration that got to me.