cmts1964.

Get away from this dude. He's a selfish, ego-driven, abusive, sanctimonius little man. A good man would not react this way to being cheated on. This relationship is, what do they call it, toxic.

Once you know you're safe, learn why you cheated. Then learn why you chose to be with this man. Then if you want to be in a R, find somebody that is not like him, and for the love of God don't cheat any more.

GC

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes!


Physical Battering - The abuser’s physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks !!!


Battering escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons!
This information is from the ncadv website. (link below)

I can sort-of understand why you are trying to work this out and why you feel guilty. I am not going to tell you what I think you should do, but I have given you information that you NEED to take into consideration.

You also need support that is not available here.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Web Site

They are much more qualified to help in this situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CMTS1964:
<strong> thank you. i am abit concerned that i may have mislead you, i was the one that had the A's not him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear,

I did get that. That's why I told you that "an A is no solution to problems in a relationship". Not for anyone. So I just hope you can realise this if you meet a nice guy that isn't abusive, that will commit to you - don't let it scare you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

If there are problems in a relationship, don't try to patch it up with sex and attention from other men. Talk to your partner. Work it out. Worst case scenario, get out of the relationship.

Good luck my dear and enjoy Europe (pretty hot here now !)

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Being a WS is NO excuse for you to get beat on by your BS (look at my sig line - your discription sent me back to one of the scenes I lived through).

He will say he loves you, which he probably does -- but that does not excuse his behavior or dealing with the reprocussions.

I'm not sure where you are, how are the spousal abuse laws there? Since you didn't say whether the hosptial or doctors questioned you about being beaten on my your husband and gave you shelter information, I would guess it's not the states (but I know there are still places here that are backward).

Go to my site and get abuse information
http://www.geocities.com/way21981/helpsites.htm#abuse

You are responsible for what you did, and for his pain .. he is responsible for how he deals with his pain, including beating you.

Demand that he get some help to control himself, if he won't get help, it will only get worse ... otherwise, as much as you love him, it's time for you to leave.

way2

<small>[ July 31, 2004, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Yikes.

Tell me, what kind of resolution to this whole mess would you like to see?

Enough here have told you to write this guy off. I have to add my voice to that throng. You may have messed up, but that does not in anyway justify his behaviour. Enough is enough.

dewt

Now I have read all the responses .. yours and everyone elses ... you need IC.. NOW!

You say that he never did this to you before d-day ... but you are already showing the thinkings of a long time abused spouse or girl friend.

It's time to let this relationship go. Unless he is willing to get long term couseling and help, there will be no recovery only a worsening situation for you. Get the help you need, go and find a shelter in your area so that if things blow up worse than they are now you will have a safe and secret place to go.

And while I don't want to scare you I do want to give you the facts here ... since he has been "holding on" to you and punishing you like this and then telling you that you are running away from dealing with what you have done -- when you end your relationship with him it will probably get even worse for a while until he moves on.

That's way you need a safe and secret place where he can't find you. YOu also need a restraining/stay away order for where you live right now.

You don't want to marry this guy ... let me really impress upon you this fact ... YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY THIS GUY -- atleast without a full year of him getting counseling for him to learn to control himself. You don't want to experience what I did, you don't want to be close to death at the hands of your husband (he haad his hands around my neck choking me).

way2

I just handed a sucker to my 5 year old who just returned from a birthday party. Cute girl. When she was 2 1/2, she saw her father spank her mother while he yelled "G... d... it." Possible first memory. Every once in a while, she brings it up -- how scared she was. Sure, she saw lots of other abuse, but it was the spanking that really impressed her.

Do you know how much guilt I feel for having been so obsessed with whether or not he was seeing Sophia that I didn't care that my little girl was seeing this?

I was the BS. So what... I was also a human being trying to control the actions of my H, and I should have been looking out for my children. Such a fool... You cannot control this man, and he cannot control you, but you can sure compound the problem by marrying him and having children by him. I had no clue at all when I married him that he would be abusive. You do. RUN!!!!

You don't want to have children with a man who is abusive!

Cherished

thank you for your replies. i have taken all that you are saying on board. i suppose i am here to ask for help to clarify and clear my mind. i have not been able to have an option, his way of thinking was the only way...well for now i am safe because he is out of the country for 4 weeks. yes i know that he needs to get help even though he says my smart mouth got him mad, he has the choice.
i have done alot of thinking (as you do) after the stunt he pulled yesterday before he left, not only has there been physical abuse but the mental and emotional abuse has been there all along. in our disclosure process, he said i was using these feelings as excuses for my A's, that any of my reasoning in his eyes was crap. his behaviour was proper and i just didn't want to see it. well i struggled throughout our process to accept this, they were my feelings. He was only seeing me on a friday night after work, so that i could still have my time...there was dating, or taking me away or doing nice things - his excuse, 'well you had the children'. my imagine about myself is dead, i am so nervous about if my behaviour is seen to be sl....t and i question all my motives.
i am sitting with the same feelings he left me with 4 years ago when he dumped me (plenty of excuses for that) and went O/S taking his business partner with him. it is probably a bigger slap in the face this time because we had been in planning stage to go O/S for the last 4-5 months - now he has taken her (don't worry there would be an excuse). i am in the same position (feeling wise) as i was 4 years ago however one big difference, i won't be going feral, i won't be out there looking for anything or anyone to enable me to numb the pain - i have grown in that area throughout this process. i am not bitter like i was back then, this time i have asked and expressed my needs and wants. Please accept my apology i am just feeling so low, sore, hurt, abandoned. i feel i have given up everything (house,job,friends) to help with our recovery, and probably all along his intentions were just to make me pay. the confusion that he had me in, the mixed messages; they could change within seconds. buy a unit and rent out, then 'where are you going to live'. he would say, 'where not right and i don't want to be trapped in anything that i can't get out of', so i would set in my mind that i would buy a unit and live in it, then the next conversation he is saying 'get a unit, do it up before you rent it out'? i never knew why i was going or what was going on. in the past i never asked however through our process i have changed that. so i would clarify and re ask if i didn't understand so i could get that clear - and bang it would change again.
So i would like to thank you all, i know unless he stops and looks at himself (stops bring everyone down and stops controlling people in his life) then this pattern will continue. unfortunately he has attracted people into his life that feed his 'control & power' these people need him which is what these type of people look for - thats probably where our problems stem, i wasn't that type. i didn't need his help, i made my own decisions. that was one thing i did bring up last week, how through this process he has realised that if he doesn't contact his friends then they haven't been. he had set up this little group of 'older women' and he was there savour which is wonderful if done for the right reasons.
thank you all once again, i'll be ok with time, i'll mend with time. god bless

PLEASE EXCUSE MY SPELLING MISTAKES, TYPING TOO FAST...I HAVE JUST READ THROUGH AND THOUGHT - OH MY GOD...
GOD BLESS

I think you need to plan carefully to get away from him. Will that be possible?

thank you, he is now overseas for 4 weeks. i don't believe he will contact me after yesterday. he now knows that i know he lied about his trip overseas to his friends funeral, he now knows i know he has taken his business partner and because this was a big issue he would know that was the icing on the cake. he lied yesterday about when he was leaving, and turned his phone off i would think he had already left (so i couldn't come to the airport and see him with her)in his mind, he would be thinking i'll go feral like last time - how wrong he is and at the end of the day, i really don't care what he thinks. i have made many, many changes, i am a different person - he has only made superifical changes. i should have realised this when he was not willing to resolve the issue i had with his business partner - i was told 'too bad, she will always be around, she is special and i don't trust you will do the right thing by her if i introduce you, i will not hurt her'! so i was expected to make changes for him however he wasn't. he thought just by not going out with friends, or taking up invitation with these other female friends, that that should have been enough. when the real issue was about how i felt i was just a 'mistress'. i wanted to be seen, known and taken out as his 'partner' just like normal couples. his excuse was he liked to keep his private life private, taking or including me was not want he was comfortable with. he had no problems taking his business partner to social or personal gatherings. so by not accepting invitations he was avoiding the situation. looking at it now, it was another lot of excuses - he didn't want to do that because he didn't know where we where going! thank god the rest of the world don't think, 'oh i better not include, take or introduce my partner because gee i don't know if we'll work out'...it is very sad, that i have lived in hope, and accepted these weak excuses to cover his lack of wanting to commmit. along the way i have deprived myself of so much whilst along the way he has done all that he wanted to do with no consideration for me. as long as he was able to still do what he wanted, that was what was important to him. i suppose i look at it today and think, if he was as genuine as he now tells, then he would have been doing things with me, for me along the way. not just hanging me in the side show and not being bothered to make me feel like a 'partner'. maybe he just doesn't know how. maybe he just doesn't want to. what frustrate me is that he was able to convince in someway that i believed he would commit. brain transplant required.
God bless

You deserve so much more than he is willing to give you. I hope you will move on, and find someone that loves you.

Are you afraid of being alone?

no not at all, he believes i do and that is why i would run and find someone else when you would dump me and/or just not contact me. i suppose i lived a very superifical life because i never wanted to open up and be hurt. i would present to the world a very strong, confident person who needed nobody whilst inside i knew what i truely wanted. what probably bothers me, is i learnt to trust him and have exposed my deepest feelings, emotions and pain and what i got in return to putting this much trust into him was where i am today - nothing. funny about that, that was something that we worked through only last week about where my 'i'll do what i want' attitude. horrific break in trust in my childhood imprinted don't give anyone anything because you'll only get disappointment, hurt or rejection - here i am an adult and its in my face again. so no it's not that i can't be on my own that is bothering me - this has just brought back to me that belief and i suppose reaffirmed it. i am in this situation because i thought giving up everything was what was needed for us to move on. he has got on a plane, left the country with her and i'm left here with no home, no job and another bucket of fresh lies whilst they off to have an extended holiday after the funeral - how nice. he had threaten me that he wouldn't take his business partner to the Athens (she would just automatically assume she would be going) if i behaved nicely. and pisses me off, this women gets all the benefits because she only deals with him from the business/personal level, not intimate emotional level yet she gets all that i missed out on because i didn't do it right and she is rewarded because she doesn't hurt him like it do.
god bless

CMTS, I'm sorry about your situation. I think your questions about your bf's behavior can be answered in this article. Please don't let the title throw you off. The article is very helpful in identifying "loser" behavior and hopefully give you some insight into what's going on. It has been eye opening and life changing for others (including me!)on this site in the past.

Forgive me, I had to speed read your thread, I am unclear on a couple of points. When you sold your house, did he benefit from the financial proceeds, in other words does he have any of your money (flights, major gifts, cash ect.) If you wouldn't mind my asking what are your respective ages? I am getting an impression of a younger guy who attaches himself to older women, am I correct? KB

thank you for your reply. believe it or not my partner is in his early 40's and i have just turned 40. no he has not gained from the sale of my house. after Dd he said he would never come out to the Sl....t house again, so i was decided to sell it. we had been renovating a unit of his together (however he never asked me to move but we did do it together and it was only after Dd that he said he was doing for me to live with him!). thank you i will look at the site you sent. sorry if i left the perception that he chases older women, what i meant was that he seems to have a group of women friends who he has helped along the way and they depend him which he has enjoyed. he has bragged how they compare him to any man they may get involved with along the way and tell him they find faults in their men compared to him - now that maybe just his story and stroking his own ego. but i have found this odd from day one. that is why he doesn't class his behaviour with one particular as an ongoing EA and it do. so through our attempt in recovery, i was being told that my behaviour was this and that however he continued with his female friends. don't get me wrong he did try to cool it down, however instead of introducing me and/or taking me to things where these female friends where, he would just not go - which did leave me with much trust that he still wasn't on the side.

I suppose the thing that really does hit home, is the fact that I do love him very much. when things were great they were fantastic. the wonderful opportunities and times we had together, i will always be grateful and always express that gratitude. however, it's the dark side of him that we both knew was there (he beat up a girlfriend he caught in their bed with another man) but because there was no displays throughout our time together, i just put it down to the urgy situation. thought out the recovery process, he did try very hard to push things aside and not be focused on discussing. to be fair maybe it was just too big for both of us. we probably both gave our best shot and somewhere along the way his pain and anger took of his clear way of thinking. i can't imagine not having him in my life however i can't imagine having to live the rest of my life how i was. he would try to give me reassurance that one day he would commit however, looking at the whole picture i truely don't believe he would of. he would have kept me living at my own place, and me just visiting me. he convinced himself, that it wasn't about commitment as in his eyes he was committed to me. it's a feeling of lose that one has to deal with.

Sweetie - You are still very young (well, compared to me). You need to move on. You do not deserve this. Please, please, seperate yourself from him.

Get your own life, then if he changes, and proves that he has gotten counseling, you can rethink your relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he has and still has EA's however in his eyes that is not correct - one particular one is a business partner of 18 years (they had a fling in the start) and it is like his exwife. she rings all different times, she doesn't know that i am around again, i have never met her as his partner in the 5 years, she shops for him, buys him gifts, has his home number (i am not allowed it in case i call in the mind of the night if we have had an argument) she has the use of his holiday homes and i don't.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you sure that you are not unknowingly the Other Woman? You aren't allowed his home number, he doesn't take you to social events, you haven't met his friends or family. Now he is physically abusing you? Get out! You are not really part of his life, he uses you when he wants to use you. You deserve better than that don't you?

thank you, that was hard to take being told that but it pretty much is the truth. no i wasn't allowed to have his home number but he could have mine. i remember recently, mum was needing to call me (as i have been staying at his place often) my mobile was off and mum said 'i couldn't get hold of you and i don't have his number' i remember thinking 'ha either do i', i felt so embarrassed thinking if they knew that. my mother has questioned when i go to his house and he is late, why don't i have a key, why do i have to sit outside in the dark and wait. he did pass over a key recently but made me feel so guilty (because one of my A's had given me a key so i didn't have to sit around waiting) so he gave me a key, had an argument with me that night and called early the next morning asking if i would drop the key back. he said he didn't trust me that i wouldn't pick up one of my f....s and take him back there and trash the place. so many things are flooding my head today; recently i had a car accident and he offered me his car whilst mine was getting fixed. come the time he said i need my car (mind you he has 2) and suggested he drop me off in the city so i can hire one. however, he has given the other to people if they have needed one! i did met his sister & one of his brothers & families unplanned. i used to go walking around the river where he lived, on this particular friday night when i got there i noticed all these people on the balcony. i sent him a message and he said 'you can up if you like'. his sister inlaw didn't even know about me and thought i was his neighbour. the visit from the brother interstate was 'spur of the moment' so spur that he had time to discuss this with the women at work so he could get a car seat for the baby - just forgot to tell me and include me. however his business partner knew. we had organised a date one night, he called and said he had forgotten that all his family where in town so he had to go meet them and no i wasn't invited. so yea, there has been double standard big time. i can't even imagine how he would have reacted if i would have done some of the things he has. things changed slightly over this last 6 months however i gut killing stuff never did. i expressed how these things made me feel like the other women, not good enough, must be embarrassed about me, giving out the thought that he still is single but it fell onto ears that didn't want to hear. oh in his eyes, he had addressed them and if this was the case why the hell did i still feel the same.
god bless

please no reason to explain anymore...
Get out of this relationship...
He is damaging your spirit, self-esteem and
sense of self...

No one should be allowed to treat you the ways that you've described...
and more importantly YOU shouldnt ALLOW anyone to treat you so disrespectfully...

Life's too short for you to choose misery.

End it now...

Good luck