Tom:

Not unexpected, either your W's behavior or how you describe how you've been feeling.

We all get "sick of the whining", but mostly our own. One of the purposes of this 4um is 2 give people who need 2 vent the oppor2nity, without dumping on their families.

It's part of the process, which is necessary because of your W's actions. She has 2 recognize that her behavior has a deliterious effect on you and the kids. If it didn't, it would show you don't care a hoot about her. (Mrs Joad, that was for you).

Golden Rule stuff.


I still have times when I don't particularly feel like doing things for her or the family, but they're less fre2uent than they used 2 be. My W is going through a painful withdrawl right now, and is sometimes very caring and sometimes very hurtful. I can wait, but I do wait now because I know I need 2 learn from this experience all that I can. It does me no good 2 just "give up". More often, these days, I believe we're going 2 make it. But I don't worry so much about us not making it, because the process has 2rned out a much better, more self-secure ol' 2long than showed up here 2.5 years ago.

You're going 2 be okay. Your W may be 2, someday, but she's going down the wrong path right now 2 make any positive progress. That's a fact, I'm not making this up (this is for Mrs Joad, 2).

Persevere,
-ol' 2long

Also:

Mrs Joad, if you're reading... (well, even if you're not):

It would be useful 2 compare posts by Cheffy with those by Welderboy's W. Cheffy is pretty much where you appear 2 be now, only she's not so vindictive 2ward her H. Mrs Welderboy is just now ending her A, and really appears 2 have it "2gether" for someone so fresh out of the fog.

Just a useful perspective on very similar si2ations (all affairs are "similar").

-ol' 2long

OK 2Long. I told what I'm doing for me. Still a work in progress.

Now I guess it's time to say the things WW did right.

Now... not much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Up until May...

* She listened to me, really listened to me when I talked about things outside our R. Sometimes she gave some reassurances and input that I regretfully didn't accept in the right way

* She looked good. More importantly she did it for me.

* SF was enjoyable and often.

* When we did things together (not often enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) she really participated and was fun

* Supported me with my work.

* Got along great with my friends and co-workers and family.

* Offered to help me with things I was doing.

* Even though I denied myself many things and sacrificed, she always encouraged me to do things for myself. (which I never did )

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Tom:

Hm... ...May wasn't 2long ago.

She must still be in there, methinks?

Did you not acknowledge the positive things she did at the time? Are you now?

Granted, none of this justifies her behavior - assuming you were just a jerk and ignored her on purpose.

Still, it's a good exercise, isn't it?

I remind myself of the positives all the time. Or at least I try. Not doing particularly well 2day, though.

-ol' 2long

Haven't thought of those things in awhile 2long. Painful for me. Maybe it's the same for her.

Painful to remember the good things. But Good Lord, I want to.