Hello frankd and Melody and thankyou for taking the time to reply to my story. I am ready to do all I can to protect my son from the fallout of my wifes selfishness. He is damaged and I am so concerned about him. We went to bed early last night and just before we started to fall asleep my son started sobbing uncontrollably. I knew what the cause of his tears was but I asked him anyway what was making him sad. He told me he was scared and sad. He was worried about me and about mummy. I felt so helpless. All I could do was hold him and tell him that I would try my best to make everything work out. I told him that I loved him and his mummy and I would never give up trying to get our family back together. I've already made an appointment to speak to a representative from Citizens Advice but the earliest they can see me is on the 23rd of this month. Today I'm going to contact the solicitor I spoke to at the beginning of the mess and update her with my concerns. What it boils down to is this....

MY WIFE IS ALLOWING A MAN SHE MET ON AN ADULT INTERNET SITE SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM AS MY SON.

MY WIFE IS ALLOWING A MAN SHE MET ON AN ADULT INTERNET SITE TAKE MY SON OUT UNCHAPERONED.

MY WIFE DOES NOT KNOW THIS MAN

MY SON DOES NOT KNOW THIS MAN

MY SON DOES NOT LIKE THIS MAN.

In the cold light of day when I write the facts down as above I can see what needs to be done. I feel indebted to all of you for forcing me to realise that. Maybe I've been in the fog as well.
I don't want to fight my wife but I do want to fight for my son's wellbeing. I'm not rich but I believe I'm entitled to some form of legal aid to help me. Please continue with your advice. Please stop me from making any silly mistakes in the near future. Thankyou all.

Struggling, there is no reason your son has to go with her AT ALL in the meantime. You are HIS FATHER, and it is up to YOU where he goes. She should have to come to your house to visit your son while you are there.

Remember, your W didn't need a solicitor or a judge to take him home with a creep off the internet, you sure don't need a judge to keep him safe at home.

I would explain to your W that your boy is not to be around Mr Internet and if she wants to see him, she can come to your house. I would also not allow him to go to the home of your nutty inlaws who are hosting this affair. Good grief, what a sordid mess! Pull your boy out of that insanity!

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 07:21 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

An update on my situation and what to do next.

Been thinking a lot about what you people have been saying.

As many of you know I talked with my wife yesterday and am seeing her again today.

Spent most of the night thinking about how to deal with this and have knocked up a plan of sorts.

As Melody summarised it so well in my other thread my wifes situation is this;

1) Homeless by the end of the month.
2) Jobless
3) Living with a bum she met on the internet.
4) When has son, allows him to sleep with said internet bum.
5) NO MONEY

Now how about this.

Although we have equal custody of our son at the moment it is not legal. There was a lot of talk from my wife at the beginning of the affair about a quickie divorce and although she has seen a solicitor nothing has been mentioned in the past month. She wants to sell the house as quickly as possible. Everything hinges on a quick sale of the house. The estate agent said yesterday we live in a desirable area and the house will sell quickly but it would probably take a couple of months for the money to come through. I told my wife that I was not prepared to make myself or my son homeless to please her. I'm quite happy to sell the house, to be honest at the moment it is like a dead weight around my neck but I would want to have another house prepared for my son and I to move into. Due to my wifes short-sightedness the house is crippling me financially. We all stand to make a lot of money from the sale of the house. Money that I can invest in my own and my sons future.
My wife seems more concerned about getting her fair share of money from the house than my sons wellbeing at the moment. Her future with the OM seems to depend on the money. She is to be made homeless from her mums at the end of the month and as I know it she is quite prepared to move into a besit. My wifes father also owns a third of the house and he desperately needs the money according to my wife. When I stalled her yesterday she told me in no uncertain terms that the two of them could sell the house out from under me and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I told her my understanding was that no court would make a 7 year old boy homeless just to fund his mums affair.

This is what I'm going to suggest to my wife.

I want a legal seperation.

My terms and conditions are as follows;

1) LEGAL equal custody of my son. One parent has him 4 days one week, 3 days the next. Equal means equal.

2) Once we have equal custody in the eyes of the law I pay my wife NOTHING. We split costs concerning my son down the middle. No exceptions. I do not pay her maintenance or child support. I feed, clothe, provide for my son when I have him, she does the same.

3) A percentage of the profits from the house are put into a trust fund for my son when he turns 21. Suggest each parent puts 10% into the fund.

4) All debts are cleared from the sale of the house before the profits are divided.

5) Even though we would have joint custody I am not happy with my son living in a bedsit until my wife gets her share of the profits and finds a house. A home for my son is what it says. It is not a dingy room where he will be forced to sleep with the OM and my wife. Until the house is sold and my wife can provide space and a room for my son he stays with me. My wife can visit, take out etc... when it is her time to have him but he is returned to this house in time for bed.

6) I am not happy with her allowing the OM to take my son out unchaperoned. This must stop now. If she doesn't agree to this then a legal fight it is. Bye-bye profits from the house!

7) I am not happy with my son sleeping in the same room as the OM and my wife. She chose to leave. My son didn't. If she can't provide my son with his own room of her own back then see above. Loooong legal fight. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I have the moral high ground. It might not count for much in the eyes of the UK law but my solicitor is very, very good and theres a lot of money to be made for her here. I can drag this on and on and on.

8) My son has health concerns. Both parents (NOT THE OM) must be present at his hospital visits for his peace of mind. Important school appointments would also involve both parents.

9) Neither parent will stop the other parent from communicating with our child when they so wish. This also means that if our son wishes to talk to the other parent he will not be prevented from doing so.

10) The OM will have no say in the upbringing of our child. This is the sole responsibility of his natural birth parents.

11) Our son will not be taken out of his school. In September he moves up to junior school. In the past he has had a lot of problems with schooling and to take him out of his school will affect his education adversely.

12) Neither parent can move more than 20 miles from my sons school. (Or at least a reasonable distance away from his school. Each parent must be realistically able to drop and pick up my son from school each day.

How does that sound?

It's not perfect by any means but it would be a positive step forward for me and my son. I think it would also place a hell of a lot of pressure on my wifes relationship with the OM. I'm in quite a powerful position at the moment. I'm basically offering my wife an easy ride concerning the sale of the house in return for the above points being made legally. If she doesn't agree to this then I will make it quite clear that I am prepared to go legal on her a$$. Which I am.

I really want to do a good plan A but I'm not getting any opportunity to. The sale of the house will take a couple of months. Once the sale is complete then I go into plan B. My wife admitted to me yesterday that at times she had missed me. This can only be a good sign this early into the affair. Plan B would involve no contact except for both parents being present for my sons school appointments and hospital visits. I'd probably get 2-3 months going dark in between. Until the house is sold and the money is divided I can continue plan A-ing even from a distance. If I'm honest with myself I haven't done too bad a job of it so far. I haven't clung on to my wife. I haven't begged her to come back. No pressure whatsoever. She knows that I love and miss her.

I'm going to suggest this to her today. I don't believe I'm making any unreasonable demands in the above list. It's all about what is best for my son.

Opinions please people and any other suggestions which I can add to the list.

Many thanks.

Struggling,
How about this plan?

1. you keep son 100%

2. You allow visitation in your home or presence

3. Son NEVER sees internet creep or any other sleazy boyfriend

4. You give wife NO MONEY

Your wife is not set up to take your son even 25% of the time and has shown that she cannot take care of him properly when she does have him. He should NEVER be around internet creep. You are not there to supervise and have no control over what he might decide to do. Being around an unfit character your W met off the internet is very bad for your son and since your W won't protect him, you must do this.

These are the conditions I would lay down. If your W doesn't like them, let her go before a judge and ask him to give her custody. A woman who has these liabilities:

1) Homeless by the end of the month.
2) Jobless
3) Living with a bum she met on the internet.
4) When has son, allows him to sleep with said internet bum.
5) NO MONEY

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 06:00 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Sorry about taking so long replying to this thread. I've been pretty confused recently trying to sort my own thoughts into order.

A couple of recent developements.....

I have been giving my wife money on a weekly basis for my son since all of this started. On Sunday I left the money out and went to a friends. When I arrived back the money was still there along with a note from my wife effectively refusing it and saying she would rather pursue it through her benefits. After some email correspondance the reason she gave for doing this was that she couldn't be gaurenteed that she would get the money on the same day each week and as a result could'nt plan ahead. I replied that this was not something we had not discussed and if she wanted the money on the same day each week it wouldn't be a problem for me. Big mistake leaving the note for me as I now have proof that she was the one who refused the money. I will contact the relevant authorities myself and explain the situation to cover myself.

I had an unnoficial conversation with a social worker regarding my concerns for my son. The social worker was worried about the effect of living in a single room with my wife and her boyfriend on my son. She advised me to contact my in-laws (my wife and son are currently living with them. They are allowing the OM to sleep over in the same room.) and voice my concerns to them as they are directly responsible for my son's living conditions at the moment. I'm quite happy about this idea. It has been 6 weeks since I have spoken to them properly. I will send a friendly email, keeping it brief, explaining I would like to talk or preferably meet up with them to discuss my son. I will not voice my concerns to them until we meet. I will write that I don't have a problem with my wife being there but I don't want to see the OM. I can also use this opportunity to drop in a few sleazy details about the OM. One of my main concerns is that my wife met this man on an adult internet site. I don't think my in-laws are aware of that fact.

any other ideas?

U mean the OM is more of an OB (oh boy?!?!?). Can't even afford his own place? What a wiener!!! :rollingeyes:

Where are you on the exposing issue?

L.

Hi Orchid!

Posted the letter to my in-laws.... Am awaiting their reply.

The OM promised my wife the world at the start of their affair.

He owned his own flat. He rented a house. He co-ran his own tattoo business.

6 weeks later... It turns out he is was living with his parents. Now, why is he living with my in-laws? Why is he skint? Why is he looking for a job in my area? Why is he waiting for my wife to sell our home and be £30,000 - £40,000 better off?

As you said..... OB!!!!

When will my wife see what you see so clearly?