I knew deep down that I was meant to be with my husband.

What Chackler said.

Ditto and treble ditto from me.

Jen

This is wonderful!

Hey, where's hope4future!? She's a FWW with a terrific head on her shoulders!

I wish you both all my best,
-ol 2long

2ble

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

I realized that although there was a strong attraction to the OM, it wasn't a healthy relationship by any standards...I knew the passion would fade and I also knew that nobody loved the 'real' me as much as my H...he truly is my best friend...that's why I knew it was worth the fight of the addiction...and I was right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WB's W,

I have been reading along on this thread and thought I would simply add that I think you are going to find a lot of help here. Look at the posts you have generated and I think the advice is pretty sound.

Time for the NC letter, let WB see it before you send it and do it. I'm thinking WB is a changed man and you will be a changed women when all of this is done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And most importantly your marriage will be changed in ways that will make you both very happy.

Hang in there and keep working and listen to the ladies and gentlemen that are posting to you. They want to see you end up in a good place as well.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for all the positive responses here and the support, I believe I have made a move in the right direction by posting...it makes a big difference knowing that the things I am feeling are not exclusive and that others have conquered what I am facing...it gives me hope.

I would like to address Coach3530 and his many questions regarding my situation...let me stress I can only speak for myself here so with that in mind...here goes.

I do not want to offend here I only intend to speak my mind as you have...I am surprised you took your wife back after she strayed because your attitude seems negative...but maybe just inquisitive? Did you ask all these questions of your WS when she returned? Were you able to understand her answers? The reason I ask is because you really do not know me and if you did not understand your own wife then I doubt you will understand me and my feelings...sometimes I do not understand it all myself.

OM is 48 and never has been married...I knew him for at least 15 years prior to anything happening between us. So obviously I did not return to my husband because of anything he did or really didn't do. He thinks I am the woman for him but in no way has he really pressured me to leave my H and wants me to do what is best for me. I returned to my H because I knew what I was doing was wrong and that the relationship with OM had started out on the wrong foot and would never work out. I echo dreamcatcher's remarks that my H loves the real me...no makeup...depressed...emotionally clingy...sometimes very distant I could go on forever here but he loves me. A big reason was his strong love and devotion to me and the fun that we have together...the same likes, dislikes of food, furniture, clothes, riding our harley, our same sense of humor etc...I believe I returned for all the right reasons...I do love him and want things to work. I realize I have a problem here and that is being addicted to the "high" of a new relationship the excitement the mystery the whole nine yards. Coach have you ever been hooked on anything? Cigarettes, booze, drugs, sex, food, sports, spending, lying, porn, work anything at all where you let it control you? When you are not happy sometimes you do things that are not smart or sane (this is not a cop out) but when you have given your all to someone and they are not happy with you and act the way WB acted for 2 and a half years then when you come across that feeling again it just takes over. Unless you have ever been dependent on something I don't expect you to understand and by the way I have never considered myself a WEAK person. I wanted away from the OM but it still hurts me and I was so used to turning to him that I miss that. It probably doesn't make too much sense to want something but want rid of it at the same time...it is like I woke up and realized "What am I doing?". WB and I have no children I have a good job in Human Resources and the support of a wonderful family as well so money or being alone did not play a factor in it.

I want my marriage to work but won't lie here and tell you that I am not confused at times...because I am and worried and lots of other things. I guess this is normal? Whatever that means?? LOL.

The no contact letter...I truly thought that asking him to leave me alone would suffice and it is hard to write those words to him because I do consider his feelings as well...but I know it needs to be done and it will be because I realize the importance of it now.

I hope I answered some of your questions and did not offend you in anyway...that was not my intention here. It has been good for me to get these feelings out and I thank you for asking the 'tough' questions.

Debby

Mrs. WB...about the No Contact letter...I so know what you mean about the OM's 'feelings'..that was the hugest hurdle for me to overcome...but it really comes down to the fact that you either heal your marriage and hurt your Xom's feelings or you spare his feelings and live in this limbo land forever..?? If you really want this to work, it really isn't that hard of a decision...

Think of this...XOM knows you want and NEED No Contact...XOM disregards that and keeps trying to contact you..even after being told straight up that you don't want that...whose feelings is he considering every time he picks up that phone and dials that number??...His..and His only...You say that he never pressured you ..Well, to continue to contact you is doing exactly that is it not?? Believe me..he knows how it affects you..it's no accident...

Don't mean to be harsh with you..coz I know so well how hard it is to break those patterns we establish while we are in the A, but nobody said it would be easy...people cheat, people get hurt..someone said to me once while I was in the A.."You chose to have an A..now you have to choose who you're going to hurt" there's no avoiding it...it's the consequence of the choices we make.....good thing we can change anything we choose to!...

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

Mrs. WB (Debby),

Perhaps I can offer you some insight about posting here. When people come here particularly a Wayward Spouse, WS, it is not unusual for them to still be in the fog, or at least in the "mist" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . One of the things that needs to get done is to get people thinking and different posters approach this differently. Coach asked some hard questions, and that is more my style as well.

The idea is NOT to insult you, but to sort of dramatically get you thinking about very deep and important things. It is for you to look inside, and how you answer them offers us some insight in what to say next and what to offer as advice. Some of the questions are painful especially for someone such as yourself that is actually out of the densest part of the fog.

I think you would be well advised to realize that posters to you are trying to help your and WB. It does not help your marriage if we force you to withdraw from the process any more than it helps if WB does. He was asked a few tough questions as well. It is normal for people to find out what is going on.

Occasionally you will get a post from some one in deep pain and it will not be a good one (a flame job), but those are pretty obvious and rare.

I think all posting here are glad you are here and you and WB are posting together.

If I may make a suggestion read some of the other stories here, about WS's and BS' and talk about them with WB. I think such discussions will help you two address issues without them becoming personal.

This is not easy stuff, but it seems that you two have what it takes to make this work out very well indeed. It does take time and patience. So hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning...thanks for your words and thanks to all for everything. I know this will be a long journey...I hope I have the strength for it. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Deb

Mrs. W’Boy,
Thanks for responding. And no, I’m not offended by your words. But I’m sorry if mine offended you. To offend was not my intention. Just Learning articulated my feelings on the matter most ably. What it’s about for most of us here is facing up to all those issues that keep us from having successful marriages and relationships. That and learning to do better.

As for my ever being addicted to anything, yes I have been. In fact I seem to have an addictive personality. That is, I tend to over do things that I like, sometimes to my own detriment. I.e. I don’t drink often but when I do I can drink all night long. My W is not a big fan of my drinking so I try not to do it. It’s because she worries about my health by the way. She tells me that I make a very sweet and cuddly swill bucket when I’m loaded, LOL. But the doctors say no so she watches me pretty close.

As for my WW and the reasons for her return to me, yes I was able to understand them. But then you must understand that my WW is so left brained that I sometimes wonder how she ever carried out the affair in the first place. And it has nothing to do with her having a superior moral compass that just went off. It’s that cheating for her was such an irrational act. I mean she questions and dissects everything. In another post on this board, I tried describing her metal process while with the OM. It would have to be like before getting undressed, she would analyze the pros and cons of taking off her skirt or her blouse first!

I’m the nut in the relationship. She’s so rock solid that that I’m surprised that some one hasn’t sunk pilings into her butt and tried to go up 20 stories! LOL Yet, she cheated! She cheated! When she decided to come home, she did it because she couldn’t stay away. She never wanted to have a monogamous relationship with the OM in the first place. She just wanted to be daring and have fun! Then come home to me! LOL Like she would after going to the movies or something with her friends! I mean really! Can you imagine?

And yes, Ms. W’Boy, I did ask her the tough questions. I wanted to know why she decided to come home to me. Why she decided to love me. And yes! I wanted to know if I was her first choice and not just “a choice.” And Mrs. W’Boy, please notice that I used the word DECIDED when describing my W’s choice to love me. Because I think we all need to know that loving is a conscious decision. It’s a good habit and a positive thing that we all can do.

So maybe I wasn’t as exciting as her OM at that point in time. So maybe I wasn’t as wonderful as the newness of the romance she was enjoying. And maybe our sex wasn’t as exotic as that she was experiencing outside the marriage. But in the end, she decided to love me! I was and still am her first and from now on, her only choice. And so I asked you why? Why go back to W’Boy? I was just curious to know if it was because he’s the one or because he’s just the best available?

Coach

Coach,

You are so concise and articulate. I wish that I had your talent for writing. I always enjoy your posts and better yet agree with the majority of 'em.

Hey Coach...this is WB....and yes I've been working hard at being a better husband and hope that Mrs.WB has choose me for the right reasons. I guess time will tell....Anyone have ideas on getting back my confidence...and to regain trust? Again, thanks to each of you.

Anyother thoughts? Thanks.