Donna! Hello, there. I have seen you posting quite a bit lately . . . awesome. Lots of hurting people.
Kloe, yes, there were often long periods of time between emails that were not business based. I scrolled through hundreds of emails yesterday before I found the two I posted. Most were "I'll pick up the boys on this date at this time."
Most of our communication was regarding kids and finances. My H and I are both very passionate people, and we had to be careful because our arguments could get quite heated. For a while, we only emailed, and tried not to see each other. Our first MC thought that was best.
Our second MC, my H's former IC, thought we had to be together and hash out all the issues. That is when we began spending lots more time together, in person and on the phone, and having personal emails. The two I posted here, the first was from January, and the second was from Februrary. By March, I had begun going to his IC appointments and he became our MC - H walked out on first MC at the third session.
Once we began hashing out our issues, we were able to actually talk to each other. We would talk and hash, and all of a sudden, H's fog would part. All of a sudden, I was talking to my best friend again. What a relief. And then he would leave, and the next time we went to talk, we had to go through the same process! We even joked about how it took us over an hour to get through our "stuff," just to have the conversation we wanted to have.
Needless to say, some of those conversations went on and on and on. Because we knew how hard it was to get ourselves to that point.
But, I digress. That is down the road. For right now, I encourage you to not talk about H's feelings unless he brings them up. If I were you, I would be sharing stuff with him about the baby each day. No relationship talk. Just, "I felt the baby move again today. I think he/she likes it when I watch .. . . "
Maybe start a project regarding the baby, that could peak his interest. Something you might even need to enlist his help on. Sanding down and painting colorful decoration blocks for the bedroom, or sanding down and staining some furniture you found at a flea market. Pregnant mothers shouldn't be around stain and paint. He would understand that.
When he does come over, try and have a familiar and comforting smell in the house - cookies, roast, rolls, whatever you are good at that he likes. Don't make any sudden movements, and do not be lulled into a sense that once he seems to relax that you can begin to ask and say all the things you want. There will be time for that in the future. Right now, you need to show him that he is safe with you. You know he is already, but he doesn't.
I used the time that H and I didn't communicate a whole lot, as time to wean myself off of him. I went through terrible withdrawals from him - I was used to talking to him each day, more than once. Used to seeing him, snuggling. Everything. Stopping that was very hard. I made myself very busy. Read lots of books, went out with my girlfriends. Sometimes, I even just watched Will & Grace at a friend's house, rather than at home alone if H had the boys. Just to get out and not be in my pity party.
If I can do this, as C&S said, you can, too. I did not know I had all this in me until I was forced to live this. And pray pray pray hard!!!
*HUGS*
SS
