WA,

Well you are in a heapa trouble now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> JJ is on your case. I knew when she found your post you would get some serious advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She is a very smart young lady and she does know her stuff.

I also got a chuckle out of the patriarchal (sp) comment. It sounds like transference to me.

I do have have something for you to think about. Is it possible that your partner wants a partner on a more equal footing? As you have given in to your fears you have withdrawn from many things and that means you bring fewer and fewer experiences to the partnership. It means you are more dependent not just financially, but socially on her. She may NOT be strong enough to handle this and so she is pulling back.

I really think you should consider this and if you think it has any merit, then make plans to go out more during the day, volunteer, get a job, but whatever you do, do the experiment and see if the relationship changes. Now I am willing to bet she will complain at first because what you are going to do will mean change and many people don't like change initially, but they adjust.

Just some thoughts. Now I will turn you over to the capable hands of JJ and the others that are posting to you.

God Bless,

JL

To my new cyber Marriage Building friends:
I will address each thoughtful posting in a moment , but first, thank you all so much for your continued support.

Just J - Bless your heart for taking the time at work today. I have been very busy today, out and away from the computer. This is my first chance to respond. Please know that I hear you! I know I must do more outside this home of ours, and I will. I just learned, that by pure "gift", a wealthy relative has decided to give us another car!!!! Yay!!!!! One huge part of the equation. Next I will be deciding what exactly to do.
I attended my therapy today and told her all about Marriage Builders. I talked about all of you folks, and she was duly impressed. I left a lot of downloaded material with her to read. She's very interested to see what I'm so enthusiastic about. I will be using my work with the program in conjunction with our joint counselling.
As I mentioned in yesterday's thread, I know a shift is occurring with me, and to my delight it is having a very positive effect on my partner. We had a great time today together, worked through the Love Busters Questionnaire and learned more about each other. Best of all, she is beginning to look at her abusive traits, and seeing them for all the unhappiness that they create, and is beginning to grasp the concept of the POJA. Time of course will be the telling, and we all have "slips". I can deal with that, as long as the direction is still "up" !

Sandy: Thank you for topping up my platter with your perspective from Ontario. That was great !

JL: Thank you again! You must know Just J well, I could hear you chuckling ! You have a point about the changing balance of the relationship and what I may or may not be contributing. Believe it or not, I more than contribute in those ways.Probably more than she wants/needs. I am very active physically and intellectually all the time. When she comes home after 14hr. shifts, she really needs peace and quiet. It's the emotional interaction that she finds so difficult, partly from sheer fatigue, but also from her past baggage. This of course leaves my need for closeness and intimacy rather high and dry.So the crystal ball of perspective keeps turning slowly.
As I offered to another member "Love mostly begets Love, but hostility always begets hostility". I need to listen to my own voice sometimes. I will stay tuned and offer support where I can. Love to you all.

Warm ashes,

I loved reading your thread this a.m.! Especially about your shift in perspective and the new car? Serendipty, a miracle, a good spell? LOL

Well whatever it was...good for you!!!

I guess you really did come to the right place as have the rest of us.

Weaver

P.S.

I read your quote on that other thread -

"Love mostly begets Love, but hostility always begets hostility".

And I must say I really loved it. I am going to be saying that to my daughter alot, along with what I already tell her and her girl friends as they endlessly worry about their looks -

"Beauty is as beauty does"


Weav

Dear Weaver,
Thank you so much for responding. I love your parachute quote too! I'm trying to learn how to navigate this site well and find it a bit frustrating, so I'm asking for your assistance.
(1) When you want to return to a place where you last posted something (to follow up on a thread), what is the best way to do that ?
Your warm, gentle, steadiness has meant a lot. Thanks again so much !

I want to break in here to say how impressed I am with the responses that have been offered here. When this thread first started all I could think of was how certain people here might be "less than welcoming".

It is a refreshing sight, really.

Dear SM, How truly you speak it! It IS a wonderful site, but what makes it wonderful is the philosophy plus the wonderful caring people who take the time to read and respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I really love it how -- once we open our hearts to the reality of something -- the universe just shows up and helps make it happen. I truly do.

So Ms. Warm Ashes, I would still like to know. What are you going to do for you today, that allows you to remember the wonderfully brilliant successful cool neato highly sexy beautiful and generally amazing person who walks around with you each and every day?

And as someone who used to do the 14 hour days thing, may I suggest that one thing you can do with that new car of yours would be to show up with "treats" for your partner and her colleagues? Iced tea and cookies, fresh-picked apples, whatever. Bless the ones around you with your new freedom and sense of adventure, and the blessings will surely come back to you.

Dear JJ,
You are too funny !! Not about the Universe (I completely agree with that) but about your description of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Loved your idea of the "drop in", but will have to wait until I have the vehicle.
Thank you again for your wonderful support and all the generous time you have put into it.

P.S.
What am I going to do today ?
Well, once I can tear myself away from this computer....lots. Including planning a great dinner for my tired "friend" when she gets home.
You need to know,( actually I'm sure you do), that the support one get's here can be pivotal. Like a breath of fresh air or a door suddenly opening and then perspectives start to change.....and then lives and relationships follow. I am not a believer in a quick fix, nor do I believe our struggles are all over, but I have begun to believe again in myself in a very new way. Blessings !

Warm ashes,

You didn't answer JustJ's question - WHAT are YOU doing today for the beautiful, sexy (and new cyber social butterfly) creature that you are?

Me, I'm off to the island to spend a glorious weekend with my beau (sp). My daughters out of town watching her dad's band play somewhere, and I am a wild, succulent woman again, if only for the weekend. YEEHAW!!!!

P.S. Re: the universal energy truth thing - I learned the hard way that it works the other way too. Whatever NEGATIVE energy you send out there, it comes back to you 10 fold! Now that's a yucky thought. So now I try to think lovingly of even my worstest enemies.

Have good weekend all!

Warm ashes, please explain to me the truth of my description, rather than the falseness of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear Weaver and JJ:
You are TOUGH cookies !
(Ist) Weaver: I am doing something for "me" right now ! I love working with this site. I've been here for hours "indulging"! Next I am going to pursue some of my artistic endeavours (one of my favourite hobbies). Dinner will happen too, of course, but I'm going to be so much happier.
(2nd) JJ: I was not denying (falseness) of your comments, just amused by them !
Maybe even a little embarrassed! You sound almost as if you've known me all my life. My ego is not dead, just a little faded at times and you (and the others) have given me a shot of colour. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks again.

That's a better thought process, Warm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh, I've been meaning to say something about this thread. Several people have commented with concern about the reception that Warm might get, given the threads about same-sex marriage that have cropped up now and again.

I've been in a couple of tough discussions about the same-sex marriage issue. Not just here -- I also attended the Smart Marriages conference this year, and had some very similar conversations in real life.

It is a divisive, difficult issue.

And yet -- I find that when people speak to one another respectfully and with compassion, there really isn't that much to fight about. There are some on both sides of the issue who are unable to do that. Emotions run very, very high on this subject, on both sides of it.

However, MB is not a place for political discussions, nor is it a place for running people down. (And yes, that means WSs, too, so y'all knock it off with the running 'em down!)

It's a place where good, decent people in tough situations come to get help.

Not everyone is comfortable responding to every poster. I have a very hard time posting to folks who are dealing with drug addictions, for example, because I just don't understand what they're going through.

I think most people, when they're not comfortable posting about a situation, just respect their own discomfort and don't do it. And for that, and for all of the compassion and gifts of time that people give, I am very grateful. Amazing things happen here and on the other boards like this one. I'm honored to be a part of it.

Hi again JJ:
I keep popping back to the computer to see what's going on between tasks.
Congratulations on your committment to making this a better world. It soooo badly needs our energy and prayers.
I very much agree with your political views. Even in Canada, there is a very close split between the Yays and Nays. We can all run into that negativism. But we just keep truckin', trying to sow seeds of acceptance and respect.
You have perhaps heard the quote about- Lighting a candle, instead of cursing the darkness ?
I have a lot of love to share, always have had.
One day maybe I will be able to share a larger picture with you, but not today. Have a great W/E !!

Thank you BTW about my sig line. Quite frankly I feel fortunate to even have a sig line, as there was a time in my life when I could just have easily woven a coffin, instead of a parachute and believe me I tried. But that was lifetimes ago and now my world is a great place.

Well except for the fact that dearly beloved is late as usual. Just hope he gets here before the last ferry leaves the mainland. (just kidding, he will)

JJ - I really like you as I read more of your posts, you are a smart lady, a female version of JL if you will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dear Weaver: Have a wonderful W/E ! I plan to too !

Yes, ladies, please do have a wonderful weekend. And please don't get addicted to checking the boards. It's easy to do -- and there is a wonderful huge big life outside these words on the screen, seductive though they may be.

(Conversation, the number one emotional need of most women, is VERY easily met on these boards!)

JJ - I really like you as I read more of your posts, you are a smart lady, a female version of JL if you will.

Oh, that just makes me... giggle. Thank you. JL and I have an odd connection. He and I met when he came out to DC a few months ago. We had a great time at dinner, chatting about his work, my work, MB, our families, etc.

As we were talking, I asked him where he'd gone to college. He mentioned a military academy that does not have just the hugest classes ever. I, surprised, asked what year. He told me. I asked, "Do you know Tully Anderson?"

He said, "Why yes! He was the best man at my wedding!"

I said, "Well I'll be darned. Tully was the VP at my company until he retired and moved to Australia last year!"

Tully is a neat person. Any friend of Tully's is also a neat person. That makes, by definition, me and JL neat people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey there WA !

Sorry I haven't had a chance to pop back around. so much pain on these boards these days....it's so sad.

HOWEVER !!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I mentioned in yesterday's thread, I know a shift is occurring with me, and to my delight it is having a very positive effect on my partner. We had a great time today together, worked through the Love Busters Questionnaire and learned more about each other. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What terrific news !!!! In just your short time here you've found a mutual outlet you can both latch onto !!!

You both seem to want to make this relationship better...and I'm so happy for you !!!!!

Those questionnaires are real eye openers aren't they ? When you think you really know someone..they got a questionnaire to prove you wrong.

So glad you're feeling better !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dear Betrayedinjersey:,
Thank you so much for your warm support and caring. It means so much! Thank you for taking the time to write back. I will continue to try to help out here in any way that I can too.What a differnce a day makes ! Hve you heard of the famous Milton Erikson?(One of the fathers of psychoanalysis). He was noted for saying that a change in consciousness can sometimes take only moments! Sadly, many of us can struggle for a lifetime.
Have a great W/E ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />