Hi again LL,

I think that you may be s-l-o-w-l-y coming to the realization that what you have now is nobodys idea of happiness and you are worthy of more.For me it all just came rushing in one day like when a dam breaks,it started out as leaky thoughts in my mind and then: I actually even said it to myself,that's it,I have had enough,now,is the time.Almost like God was reaching into my mind and saying ok kiddo,this is as good as it's going to get with a philandering WH.No amount of waiting or Plans or agreements or bettering myself is going to MATTER to my WH anymore.He is living HIS life as he wants it right now.It doesn't include ME.People wait months,some don't wait at all,other's wait years.You hear people here telling you to hang on,hang in there and wait.But YOU are the master of your own future,YOU decide where it goes.God gives you the ability to make choices and like Jilliana said,no guilt trip can replace all the time spent here trying to better yourself,educate yourself and support others.If you quit it all tomorrow you can stand tall and be proud that you did what you could to save your marriage.You DID hang on and hang in there.Just because it wasn't 2 years instead of 1 doesn't mean that you failed.No 'mam.

And,like Melody touched on and what happened to me,is that I began to start thinking about a life without my WH,seriously for the first time in my life.I began to realize that NO,I do not want to go back to a life with my WH after all that we went through.I don't see myself doing that now.I have crossed a line in my mind that I don't look back upon.I've stepped over a new threshold and I find it's a peaceful place where love,kindness and serenity thrive.The more I stay in this place,the more it feels like the right thing for me.I think you'll get there soon.

O

Suck the breath out of me!

Been sleeping all evening. Exhausted. Getting a migraine, maybe? Whatever....

A little disoriented just now when phone rings.

Call #1 from WH: "Get your f-ing stuff off the credit card. I'm using it if I travel."

okay, I'll do that tomorrow...

Phone rings again - call #2: He laid into me something about all he's paid and what the "f" was wrong with my car and how he was NOT going to for a few bucks run up there yesterday and bail my "a**" out.

Okay, fine. It's done....

Call #3 all within 5 min: (Why, I ask, did I even pick up the phone by this point?)

I am trying to screw him out of money he says. His math: I've been paying on the home equity loan only since February. That's approximately $1,200 I put toward it. But he paid off almost $6,000 total left on the loan. So he paid $5,000 on my behalf out of HIS $$.

I reminded him that this was the deal in the beginning--that the camper proceeds would pay off that loan.

His comeback. I was at one time willing to sell the camper for almost what we owed on it just get out from under it. He can't help it if he's a better salesman and a was able to sell it for more, but that I wasn't going to take him by the balls and lead him around anymore and....

"You can expect to hear from XXXXX, my attorney!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Crap! How quickly can one get a divorce going and be the one who files? I really need to beat him to this or I'm financially sunk, I'm sure. If he does it, I'm sure he's laid out each little thing he wants and, fair or unfair, I'll have to get an attorney to fight each freakin' point or I'll lose everything.

I feel like someone just hit me across the side of the head with a cast iron frying pan!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

LL

Worse. He called again. I answered. Dumb.

I told him if he was going to yell at me I wouldn't talk.

Doesn't matter. Got ugly. He's attny has obviosly figured out how to bleed me dry.

And when I then got angry and told him I'd contest the 50% of my retirement, he reminded me of something I'd totally forgotten:

My parents put their house and acreage in life estate a number of years ago so that if either of them had to go to a nursing home, the state wouldn't be able to force the other to sell.

The life estate is 50% in my sis and her husband's name and 50% in mine and WH. So I owe him 1/4 of the value of their house. He says I could be forced to make my parents sell their house to pay him his 1/4 if I can't pay it, and that he'll push for that if I think I'm contesting his half of my retirement.

So he's going to get $100K and then take me for everything else I have, essentially.

Why? Because I ASKED HIM TO LEAVE (his words).

LL

Don't talk to him. Go straight to your lawyer and tell him and the police (if so advised) that your H has just threatened to displace not only you and the children but also your parents.

This is serious.

BTW, as for his upcoming trip, let it be known that the OW maybe paying for it since there are sooo many family bills that need t/b paid. The WS chose to have 2 mortgages or mortgage and rental units to pay. OW just...must be helping. I mean really why would any sane man leave a family and go live with someone who is not wealthy?!?!? Throw that one in his face... after you have spoken to your lawyer. That way the judge won't try to take stuff from you but tell your H to go ge this trip $$ from the ever rich OW (not). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L.

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

LL, go see a lawyer immediately. Call in sick, do whatever you have to do tomorrow.

Have you reviewed Iowa's D laws? Have you looked into attorneys?

He's huffing and puffing, big deal. Don't freak out. Don't panic. You'll be okay. You will not be sunk.

And Mother of God, don't talk to him any more. Cut the guy loose.

GC

Phone kept ringing, and ringing and ringing. I can't shut it off because DD is gone and has my cell phohe (took without my knowledge) so if she calls, I need to be able to answer.

So to keep the phone from constant ringing, I answered again and started to tell WH to please not call me again tonight.

Another ugly call. But out of this one I found out that he has sold his $15,000 Harley to someone...most likely a coworker, for $1.

Smart guy. No $15,000 asset in his possession, and no $15,000 in proceeds to have to split.

He is totally raking me over the coals, sounds like he's gotten a LOT of advice from an attorney who is more than willing to help him screw me.

And worse, I'm afraid that the bike sale sounds like something his step-mom told her son to do when they found out his wife was having an A last year and he filed on her.

I pray this isn't true. I love my FIL and step-MIL and they've been very supportive to me, even to the point of saying that they so disagreed with what WH was doing that he may be ostricized from the family for a while.

I just ache. And I can't do a thing but fret tonight.

I feel totally gullible for waiting and trying with him. All I may have done is set myself up for the ultimate financial fall.

Pity party: I don't know what I did to deserve this. I have tried to be nothing but fair.

LL

LL, your WH can't afford to go through litigation with you to fight over every little thing. I bet you anything. It can cost a small fortune to litigate your way through a D.

Chill, sister. What makes you so sure he's at an advantage if he's the petitioner in the D? Iowa is a no-fault state, and I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't really matter who petitions.

It's going to suck for you financially, but you won't be sunk. Get some sleep, and get yourself a lawyer right away in the A.M. See what you can get away from him. The retirement business may not be a win for you though, you should be prepared for that.

And remember, he might just be yapping at you. Be cool.

GC

LL,

I am not versed in your state law but if he is trying to threaten you with your parents welfare, it maybe good to warn your parents so they can change their will. Putting things in your children's name or if your siblings w/b willing to split the inheritance w/o you being in the will so their share would not be at risk, it c/b good. Also check out if you can change beneficiary info on your 401K or retirement to your children. I put most of mine under my son with my friend listed as guardians for my 401K with a small percentage to the WS. I changed it back after he proved he c/b trusted.

L.

GC,

Pretty obvious to you that I'm not chilling at this point, huh??

I've been prepared for a long time to have to provide my WH with a nice $100,000 toward his retirement which really P*SSES me off after he was the one who had the A, but whatever...

I threw it back up to him because he's threatening all these other things and I don't even know why. For him to threaten my parents' housing, and then to pull the $1 stunt with a very valuable motorcycle (an asset that would be considered his).

And then I DID pick up the phone one more time because again, he wouldn't stop dialing. He wants to know what I want to do with the acreage that we own together. It was originally sectioned off from my grandmothers farm when she died and my dad sold it. I wanted to keep her run down house (pipe dreams of fixing it up that will never happen because it's too delapitated), and then have 6 acres of southern Iowa orchard-like land and pretty flowers and LOTS of memories because it's 1/4 mile from my home growning up and I practially lived down there.

It's valued at about $8,000. I would like to keep it as my own, as it's my memories, but we acquired it after we married so it's 1/2 his. I'll probably have to give it to him, and that's hard, too.

And because I slept for most of the evening before I got these calls (because I was already not feeling well), now I"m not tired and with the shock of the calls, I can't sleep.

OH, and my DD is pulling another stunt. Left while I was sleeping. Took my phone. Every time I call, she answers, but when I ask what she's doing or when she's coming home, she hangs up.

WH told me in one of his hateful conversations that he and OW spoke with DD tonight on the phone. I have NO idea what they told her, but I have a feeling it did nothing to foster my relationship with her.

My heart arrhythmias are a little unhappy tonight, to add to everything. Maybe I shouldn't worry. If something happened with them and I was gone, it would be better in the long run.

Orchid,

I'm not a legal expert and know very little about how life estate works except that, you're right, it really doesn't come to us until my parents pass away, I don't think. I can speak with my mom about the will, though there is an added complication that my dad has Alzheimers so could be proven mentally unfit if he made a change at this point.

But as for your 401K comment:

Also check out if you can change beneficiary info on your 401K or retirement to your children.

I'm about 99% certain I can't do this without my WH's consent, because it came up in a coworker's D a few years ago. She had no kids but wanted to change hers and make her single sis her beneficiary. She wouldn't have been able to but for whatever reason, her H (who was also having an A), felt guilty enough that he consented, and thus ended up with none of it.

LL

I don't like the sound of what you just wrote a bit. Take it back.

Refuse to discuss the splitting of assets over the phone with this maniac. Refuse to discuss anything with him. What's the use? Don't give him anything new to scheme about. Hang up on him if he calls you again. It's the middle of the night, sheesh.

And your DD too - oh, when it rains in LL's world, it pours.

Be still for a bit. Take a fiver. Be calm. Don't be afraid.

GC

This c/b an ace up your sleeve. Just be prepared to use this as a negogiating tool. The buy off c/b that you won't attach the OWs wages or her financial assests. Even if you know she is broke, she may be in line for some inheritance $$. She is a gold digger, let her dig her way out of this.

I found it to my advantage to call the OWs bluff about her assets. I found out she had just refied her house for over 80k the year the A started, when the WS was saying he was broke, I reminded him his tramp claimed she was stinkin rich (well she ended up being just stinkin) but she also wasn't completely broke. She never knew I had her financial info, so I started out asking the WS how much he thought his family was worth. He said priceless, I disagreed and said he already sold us out, I just needed the $$ figure. So I started at 1mill from OW. He said she didn't have it....went all the way down to 80K, said she didn't have it. I said she has her home, aren't you worth the price of her home? He said she would never sell her home (she got it scott free from her divorce). I said awwh.... I thought she loved you.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He said not that much... ok then I lowered my price a few times and ended with 10k. He said she doesn't have that kind of $$, I said what? you mean she lied to you? I thought you said she was an honest person. Oh yea, I babbled back real good.

Come to find out she didn't have as much as she claimed. I pushed anyway. All the while I had my ducks lined up and my finances secured (I changed beneficiary info). I also learned if he could collect alimony, I could collect bigger if they got married. So since I was working on the D, I pushed for him to marry the witch so I could get my $$ back (remember I was paying all his bills b4 and after he left), now I wanted my $$ back and what else was due me.

The point to my story is to act as if he will do the worst. Get prepared. When he does less, you are still covered.

L.

Just talked with DD again. She is probably going to spend the night with WH and OW. They called her on my phone (probably when WH was trying to call me the first time, and found out she had the phone).

They've invited her to stay the night. She has my cell phone. So she and my phone (with all my text msgs from him that I need to keep) are going to be at HIS place, it sounds.

I am just more and more screwed all the time...

LL

LL,

You need to get some rest. You are studying this waaay to hard. I know they may delete your stuff.... you already know and will be reporting it in the morning.

Now get some rest. You can deal with is easier in the morning.

Now he is trying to use your D to make his case? I am sure he will try to win her over to his side. Know this and get prepared. Warn your son or ask that he be your eyes and ears as much as needed. I know he is getting ready for school but this is the time, where you need him and he can help you. Don't deny your children that opportunity.

You have ruffled up his feathers and now he is scrounging around for a way to get to Paris. Ha!

Put on your galoshes in the morning. Along with some slickers. There w/b a lot of slop coming your way. You will endure it and you will surive.

hugz,
L.

GC,

I don't like the sound of what you just wrote a bit. Take it back.

If you're talking about my comments about the ol' ticker, based on history, I will probably still be breathing tomorrow.

I started having a problem with skipped beats when I was PG with my DD. Got better, but then came back in the latter 90's and really was a problem for a while. I was having literally 1000's of skipped beats a day, along with short runs of tachycardia (fast heart rate), and stuff.

I've been through numerous tests but they can't find anything structurally wrong with my heart. The electrophysiologist (cardiac specialist in the electrical system of the heart) says I apparently have a bunch of microscopically abnormal cells, but that since my heart is structurally healthy, he considers the problem "benign" (though even he can't guarantee it won't just drop me someday. Sort of scary--I try not to think about it.)

I've been on meds that help when it's really bad, but their side effects can be more deadly than the problem, so I weaned off them.

It's one of those things that WH never took seriously. I took myself to the E.R. a couple times when he wouldn't go or wasn't around.

Anyway, I think I've cried enough over the last hour that it's given me a headache and made my jaws ache, but my heart has settled back down.

I just feel really defeated right now. I give up at this point tonight with DD. I just pray she gets home safely tomorrow (and that she brings me my phone).

And after the whole thing where I thought I was going to lose DD to the state and have to sell my house and I was sick about it all, things had settled and I was starting to feel confident that at least if things ended with WH, I'd get to keep the house where I feel at home and remain in the neighborhood where so many people care about me and are there if I really need them.

I don't want to lose all that!!

LL

LL,

U really need to rest. Nothing will be solved tonight but unless you get some rest, you won't be able to tackle tomorrow.

Now your H has his boxes knotted up his b'hnd so he is angry. You have seen this spewing b4. U also know better than to engage with an angry man. Let it be. Get some rest and we will check back with you in the morning, ok?

g'nite. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

I'll try. Wish I hadn't given in to exhaustion earlier tonight and slept for a couple hours. I'd take a benedryl now to sleep, but am afraid I'll be groggy in the AM.

Maybe I'll try a Xanax. I haven't taken one in months--perhaps it will relax me.

I am trying to just believe that this is God's way of working through all this for me, that He will pull me through, and that my blessings will come later. But I'm really scared right now, and it's hard.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LL

{{{{hugz for our beautiful LL}}}} <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

g'nite.

Luv,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Smart guy. No $15,000 asset in his possession, and no $15,000 in proceeds to have to split. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope! Not smart....just selfish, spiteful, callous & dishonorable.

The rat I left pulled similiar stunts. Very petty....sold off items like washer & dryer to his friends. Wrote up receipts and everything. He even put a lock on deep freezer full of food and meat so that I couldn't get to it while we were splitting. And this included his 6 year old daughter! Nice eh?

From everything I've read LL...and I think I've read almost ALL your posts....your WH and my ex are two peas in a pod.

Start protecting yourself...TODAY! Now is NOT the time for guilt and second guessing. You need to start standing up for LL and taking some action.

You've got the rest of your life for reconciliation should he miraculously turn into an oak tree...but I wouldn't bet on it.

Hugs sent your way. You are strong. You deserve so much better than this.

Judges typically don't look kindly on people who deliberately get rid of assets to cause financial harm to another. Get with an attorney - and document the ownership transition for the Harley, among other assets.

You have a very expensive daughter to take care of - so shore up your assets and get the legal support that you need. If it means mortgaging some of that inheritance - since your parents' assets are at risk, I don't think they'd mind in the least.