LL,

I was practically chomping at the bit to get in line here to say that I REALLY REALLY Hope you will not LISTEN to one blessed word from that WH of yours about his little cheating trip with the homewrecking trash.PLEEEASE do NOT let him abuse you that way again.

My WH used to promise ME all these trips around the world,seeing new sites and countries together,holding hands and looking into each other's eyes,etc,etc.That's what I thought we were working toward with all the long hours,sacrificies,and time spent apart.Well,it all turned out to be a big disaster.WH went on trips to other lands for work/business without ME and now any dreams of that happening are gone and I can bet that he will do so with the homewrecker as long as she pays(WH is broke).


I actually sent my WH some quotes that he had written to me in loving letters years ago about our future together.I bet it didn't make a lick of difference.That was him THEN not now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL,you also have to get into some financial security SOON or you could very well likely be in some serious trouble.You have to protect yourself in case you no longer stay married at some point.You cannot trust this WH as far as you can throw him and he is definitely not looking out for anyone's best interests except his own.

O

<small>[ August 09, 2004, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Okay, forgive the possible lack of sense today. I am, for some reason totally stiff, sore and exhausted today. I want to go back to bed, but after I go to church, I have to come home and clean. (Need to find out how to get teens to respect me. Had the kitchen tidy on Friday night and by last night I think every dish in the house was sticky, drippy, and back on the bar unrinsed again. UGH!!!)

Okay, to the point...

Ark,

I really do value your input (am surprised you're posting to me, though, because I know I frustrate the poop out of you). I did revise my potential Plan B, take 2 letter again last night. Won't post it here. It's only been shortened and made more to the point (probably with fewer promises of waiting around for WH).

As for the itinerary comment you made, that was totally my fault for asking.

It was soooo unlike my WH to travel on his own anywhere that I was concerned that he was mentally unstable and might go over there and take his life or try and disappear or something. No matter how rotten he is right now, I don't want him to die, and I also don't want him to disappear because it could really screw things up for the kids and I.

So I asked more about the deal. The fact that if he goes, he is going with a tour group does provide some comfort in that respect.

But that's all I'm asking.

As of last night he was sending text messages to me sort of accusing me of potentially cancelling any chance of a nice vacation for him by transferring all this $ out of his account to pay the home equity loan and his credit card bill.

Hellooo???!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That was the agreement in the beginning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It shouldn't have been a surprise. Maybe he shouldn't be buying $1,000 flat screen computer monitors if he wants a vacation.

So, I am done transferring any $ except for child support at this point, and I am getting closer and closer to filing for at least a legal separation if for no other reason than to insure the support continues thru paycheck deductions.

I text'd back telling him to forget buying DS the microwave and whatever else he would buy for college. I'll take care of that (I'd rather do it myself and deal with the $ shortage than argue about it.)

My frustration over the finances is fairly high today. I want the joint credit card closed. I am going to transfer my part of the bal to a new card, pay off his, and then try to cancel the card. However, he is the primary holder so it probably won't work. Any idea how to get myself off of it financially?

Brownhair,

By the time you are 15 the foundation of who you are, your outlook on life, your dreams, your preferences, are all there.

I'll have to think on this more. When I was 15 and I met now WH, I had lived a very sheltered life. He was the exact opposite of that, and not being a Christian at that time, I jumped on it. So my life back then was all about party and thrill. I'm not that person now.

Before I met him, I really had not had any other relationships. He was my first. The only other thing I know is that I wanted a relationship really bad. I didn't then and still don't want to spend my life without a companion. I wanted a family. I wanted a home. That's about all I can remember at this point.

Sprezzatura,

once I cut the contact off except for an extreme question-a dying parent or to get a support answer- I found that geting thru another day of no contact got easier.

We don't contact very often at this point (probably once a day or once every other day with a text message question, but maybe only once a week on an actual call, and I only actually see him maybe once a month.)

So, I know I can live without the contact. But I don't trust myself very much and am not sure I will be able to not make contact. It's not that I miss talking to him that much, but more that I want to know he's still alive and okay. Gotta get past that, I guess.

Octobergirl,

I don't plan on listening to anything from the trip if he ends up going. I don't want to know how it went. I don't want to know what they saw. I don't want to see pictures. Yes, if they really do go, I have no doubt he'll try and tell me all about it. I'm his "pal", he thinks. But I don't want to know.

LL,you also have to get into some financial security SOON or you could very well likely be in some serious trouble.

This I agree with. I am trying to get things taken care of (the home equity loan, the camper sale, his credit card debt on our joint card paid off) and I'm trying to separate the finances as much as I can.

My two main fears are that something will happen and child support will stop and that he will make some catestrophic boo-boo (DWI, serious accident, get busted for drugs, etc) and because we're not legally separated, my finances and assets could be at risk, too.

Gotta leave for church now.

LL

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>(Need to find out how to get teens to respect me. Had the kitchen tidy on Friday night and by last night I think every dish in the house was sticky, drippy, and back on the bar unrinsed again. UGH!!!)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you do find out how to do this.. every parent including Bill Cosby is dying to know !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hmm.. on the "who was I before I met H" thing.. try to remember the moments in your life you were really happy. I remember feeding the ducks for example, or looking at clouds, or hearing drops of water falling off leaves after heavy rain in summer. At that time I was alone and I was perfectly happy. I didn't need anyone to make me "whole", I was "whole". Maybe when reading a good book. Maybe when having fun with good friends without having the yearning for a white knight to come and save me from my ivory tower?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> LL,

Think it is time for some 'major home improvements'.

Do you need new carpets, tile, remodeling the kitchen, new roof, room addition etc.????? Need a new car? One for your daughter, maybe? A new computer!??!?!

Let's see I know who seems to have lots of $$$. Yep, maybe that trip to Paris can't happen if you need to fix up your place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

L. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well the warranty on my old user finally keeled over. Had to get another. Not sure if it is because my # of posts (8835) had just surpassed my old user # (8823) but it did and well.....

Ok, newer and improved Orchid2 here posting for the 1st time.

Just wanted to ask if you made your shopping list....yet. My next question is why would you be paying his bills off on the credit card? When is OW going to start contributing financially to this arrangement? Out in the west, the OWs income become available to be used in calcaluating support/alimony.

Make sure the OW is working hard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> She'd better earn this A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: orchid2 ]</small>

LL,

I'm not a real big fan of Plan B.

But I think it's time.

Just my 2 cents ($Cdn)

dewt

Brownhair,

I do like the outdoors--not sports and such--but just being out in the warm air doing things like working in the yard. This summer hasn't been the best because it's been abnormally cool and rainy but I still get there. It's going to be difficult as winter comes though because I don't deal well with cold and winter where I am in Iowa seems like it lasts from the end of October until the middle of April. It's a LONG expance of brown, dreary time interspersed with snow.

Those are the times I'll have more difficulty, as they are when I've relied heavily on companionship.

Orchid,

OW...job???? hahaha!!!!! (Okay, she did have a temp job for a month or so, but it's ended.) She lives on state assistance and food stamps, and off what WH provides for her. And now from what I understand they're scamming the government because she's living with him and using her food stamps and assistance to buy all the groceries and gasoline for the "family". The state doesn't know she's living with a guy who has a full-time job.

Yes, I could turn them in. But WH would know who did it (because who else knows and would do it besides me?) and then it would get even uglier and my child support could adversely be affected.

Clarifying: I'm not paying his CC bills. We had a joint card and he used it and told me that since I make the monthly payments on it, he'd pay me back for everything he charged. That was what I was trying to settle up yesterday when he got grumpy about the money.

I think he was starting to think that since he used a grand of his own money to top off the home equity loan payoff (technically "OUR" money from the insurance settlement but he argues that), that perhaps I should pick up his CC debt. No doing!

Dewt,

Thanks for your .5cnts (US $ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

LL

Dang issues (primarily self-inflicted) that confuse me.....

My car quit in the church parking lot this morning. Actually, it got me to church just fine, on the thinnest of gasoline fumes because I ran it with the low fuel light on all day yesterday (was too busy, I thought, to stop and put in gas). This morning I was late leaving for church and forgot until I got in the car that I needed gas, so when the light came on again, I decided to take my chances and drive it and then stop on my way home.

Got there fine. Went to leave. Car starts...and dies. Starts...and dies, again. Figured it out. Had probably 5 families helping me. One brought 2 gallon of gas. It won't run. I think something got sucked into the fuel filter or injector (hate being a mechanic's wife because I know about cars and know this could be expensive).

Okay...so here's the dilemma:

I can call a tow truck and have it towed somewhere on a Sunday (expensive!) to keep it from getting broken into in a vacant lot tonight. I can borrow son's car to go to work tomorrow. I can then have the Pontiac dealership look at it for $65/hour and fix it. All told, expected bill anywhere from $350 to $600 depending on what I screwed up.

(Keep in mind in my present situation, I don't have an emergency fund to put this on. Will have to go on the aforementioned credit card.)

Or.....

I can call WH and plead for his assistance. If it's a fuel filter, he can bring tools and the part and change it right in the lot. Total cost--under $50, but a lot of verbal crud because I've been warned for years about how low I run my tank level.

If it's an injector, it will be slightly expensive even for him and I'd have a tow bill to get it to his shop, but he could probably diagnose it and fix it for me (they don't generally do this type of work).

----------------------------------------------
I thought I had my "billboards" from God last week with the nudie pics and the announcement of the planned Paris trip. I told my pastor a little about them today and his response (though I don't believe it was totally appropriate coming from a pastor) was "pick a date on your calendar to file and stick to it".

Then this happens and I wonder if it's telling me to turn to WH and let him know I need him. (though like I said, it was sort of self-inflicted).

I can analyze myself silly--especially now that I don't have a car and am stuck at home.

LL

Okay, WH didn't respond yet to my text message asking for car help

(I spoke with my pastor AFTER texting--he said break ties and go find a tow place and repair shop, pay the money, and consider it worth not having to listen to the flack WH is going to give me about running my car out of gas. He said, "We all make mistakes. You've learned your lesson. Go to a repair place. They're happy to take your money and they're pleasant about it.)

So, I'm going to go to the phone book and start calling I guess (WHY did I cancel AAA???)
---------------------------------------------

Son and his girlfriend took me with them to grab a bite a little while ago. I know, I shouldn't have even brought it up, but DS is an adult and is able to handle serious questions. So I asked...

"DS, did Dad show you any pictures when he was showing you his phone?"

DS's response: "Only the one when you open the phone."

I asked if WH showed it to DD and DS thinks he did.

So I flat out told my son that WH will always be his father, but that I am about done playing this game. Son's girlfriend chimes in, "LL, I don't know how you've put up with it for this long."

-----------------------------------------------
Okay, what if I just throw in the towel and file at this point? Is that giving up too soon? I haven't waited the estimated 2 years that it can take for an A to die.

Should I Plan B instead or is that just prolonging my healing? Do I want him back? I do wish only the best for him. I want, as my sis so eloquently puts it, for "the red-headed fart to get his red-headed head out of his a**." But I'm not sure, after all the details, both verbal and visual, that I've been provided over the last several months, that I will ever be able to completely move past it all and have an intimate relationship with him even if he did come back home.

For those of you who are still following, if it were you, what would you do at this point?

(BTW, I really thought I'd had a crazy week and then I read A.M. Martin's post about her WH's "wedding", and I realize they're all freakin' crazy!!)

LL

Long day. DS's girlfriend got me a free tow for my car on her AAA card. However, problems with dispatch somewhere left me sitting for 2.5 hours in an empty parking lot with my car waiting on the tow before the third attempt at a service center finally came through.

Car is now at NAPA. Tow guy (who doesn't work for NAPA) informed me that if I screwed up all the injectors, it could be nearer $1400 to fix <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . That's one H*LL of an expensive lesson to learn for running my car out of gas. (That'd be worst case, though.)

He was actually very nice. Had about 45 minutes to chat before I finally got home. I'm fairly open and somewhere in the conversation I explained that this is all new to me because for the last 19 years my H has taken care of the vehicles but we're currently separated.

(Mind you this guy wasn't much more than a kid--I'd guess him early 20's at best.)

So he says, not once but two or three times during the conversation, "You don't look like you're old enough to have been married 19 years. You really don't!" (That was the high point of the evening, because I feel like I'm really old and of no interest to anyone most of the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Not to worry. I am a good girl. I enjoyed the compliments (and whatever cologne he was wearing)and considered that the bonus for a bummer of an evening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
------------------------------------------

However, sitting for 2.5 hours at a school (that's where we meet right now for church--where my car croaked) swinging in a playground swing waiting for the tow gave me some time to think and pray.

I know God hates divorce. But I also don't think he likes the way I'm currently being treated. It's not a marriage in reality.

I'm thinking very seriously about contacting an attorney this week to start things rolling.

I realized how tired I am of everything. Feel free to get out the 2x4's--maybe I wouldn't be here if I'd Plan B'd back in April or May.

But then again, maybe it's good that I've seen what I've seen and heard what I've heard because it may be a wake-up that I've needed for a long time.

Talking to my sis just a few minutes ago reminscing about my dating life before we got M. I should have had a clue. When WH was my boyfriend he was forever going out behind my back with someone else. He only slept with a couple of them, but dated a number of others. But I accepted it back then because we weren't M..weren't even engaged...we were just teens. So I didn't feel like I could ask him to be committed. (Though I wasn't perfect either. A couple of the times he broke up with me, I dated his friends. Evil...)

Point being, I know anything is possible with God. But I just see SOOOO much that needs to happen. It's not like he just went off his rocker this year and changed from a totally responsible, mature adult to this child. Granted this is WAY off his rocker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ,but I see patterns that go way back.

I love him as a part of my family for over half my life. I don't want anything bad to happen to him and I think I'll miss him not being in my life going forward. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But I'm trying to weigh the two options (waiting or moving on), and I'm not sure I have a lot to gain by waiting.

Thoughts? I'm loony now, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

LL

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Dear LL,

I'm afraid the changes your H will have to make to ever make you really comfortable, safe and happy in your M again will be just too much.
Even if he gets tired of the present OW, who's to say he'll not repeat the whole thing again when he is comfortably settled with you again?

The changes he'd have to make to his personality.. frankly, I think it would be like asking a shrub to turn into a big oak tree. This is more than just fog, it seems he simply "is" like this, a spoilt boy that can be charming and loving and that will break your heart again and again.

And you are right, God does NOT like the way you are treated. Maybe your car breaking down and H not responding to your call (in time) might be His sign that you'll have to stop depending on H and cut the ties.

Go see a lawyer. Get yourself in a safe place financially.

Love,
Brownhair

LL....I'm very new at this so I'm shy about advice. I just wanted to say that reading your posts and realizing you and I were both teens when we married and are now the same age going through this. Your wit and your explanations help to inspire me. I can honestly say that my "fog" is lifting daily and I feel better knowing I have a plan. A plan devised by MBr's, books and MB postings.

I just wanted to say that in your time of need, you are helping someone else and may not know it. Thank you to you and all of the wise/experienced folks here. My prayers are with you.

Brownhair,

Even if he gets tired of the present OW, who's to say he'll not repeat the whole thing again when he is comfortably settled with you again?

This is something I've thought a lot about, since this is his second very blatant, in-my-face A, during our M (first was 12 years ago). I know it's a chance all BS's have to take, but this one is far worse than the first in how it's played out, and it all seems so easy for him. I'm afriad his sense of right and wrong is missing.

As for the "charming and loving" statement, yes, he really can be when he wants to be. I think about some of the cute things he does and it's heartbreaking to see who he is now.

But your "shrub to oak tree" comment is also very thought-provoking. A common theme throughout this A from him has been that I want to change him into something he's not--that I want to make him like me. I don't--I just want a trustworthy, reliable H, but when I told him that he'd have to get help for his drinking and be willing to be open with me and come home when he said, before I'd take him back, he got very angry. These are things he's very comfortable with and I don't think has any intention of changing. I think he was shocked that I wouldn't take him back when he offered in June--because in his mind I had been pining away and should be darned lucky that he was even considering the thought. (Of course at that time, he'd also seen OW earlier in the day that he asked, and there was no mention that he was actually ready to quit seeing her either--he was just tired of living in a camper and wanted creature comforts.)

Lostsailor,

You want wit? Read A.M.Martin's "wedding" thread. It outdoes my story! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

However, in all seriousness, you are very early in this process it appears. It is very painful early on, and at least for me, has become less so as time goes by.

Also, I am in a different situation than I lot of people on here as I have a WH with substance abuse issues on top of the A. I would encourage you to follow Dr. Harley's principles because I really believe they are good.

Also, don't give up hope. My WH was in an A 12 years ago for 18 months. I even filed for D (though called it off before it was final because things changed). We got back together.

The problem for us, I think, was that we just buried everything and didn't deal with it and between not healing from that A and then the substance an all on top of it, we have had a rough time and have grown apart and then he hit a MLC and well...you know the story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I think a lot of us here on this board got M young and have been with our spouses for quite a while. That makes it especially rough because we have so many years invested.

LL

LL, I am burbed a lot by my own situation and haven't have time to catch up your thread. I noticed that the title kept changing, how did you do it? All I can say is that you are much stronger now, and GOD will look after you no matter what you do, because you are a faithful Lordslady. {{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}

Man, I confuse easily!!??! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Just talking to a business associate (one of those ladies' restroom conversations that perhaps only women understand).

She is with a very difficult man and she said, "This may sound cold but I almost wish my H would have an A so I'd have a valid reason to D him." She's a Christian and believes as I do that infidelity is the only valid reason for D and remarriage.

My heart goes out to her and that got me thinking...

What makes me any more deserving of happiness in God's eyes than her? So is it really right to file for D from my WH just because of the "infidelity clause" if she is stuck with her pain-in-the-rear? Maybe I should just Plan B forever and stay in my situation and wait.

But I feel selfish. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> At this moment I feel really DONE! I want out. I want to get on with life.

And then I feel guilty because I haven't Plan B'd like all of you told me to. Do I need to do that before I move to Plan D??? Will I feel guilty, or like I didn't give it my all if I don't?

I am a screw up....

LL

And now I read ncwalker's posts. He's dealing with a really tough situation right now and all the advice is saying "hang in there and keep loving her despite what she's doing".

I'm not saying yes or no to any of that advice. I'm jut making a point to myself that if he's supposed to hang in there, and if really we're all on here to hang in there...

Then I'm now in a rather a pickle because I'm plain tired of hanging in there. But that's probably what I'm supposed to do, too.

I'm frustrated today. (One should never cold-turkey off A/D's! I got busy and keep forgetting to pick up my scrip...haven't taken a pill since Friday. I think I'm feeling it.)

LL, what would be the consequences of plan B starting now vs. filing for D? Financial insecurity?

If you do plan B, it might help you continue life after a potential D without regrets or uncertainty about the decisions you made. You'll know you did everything you could. Is this important to you?

It will also get you free of WH's chaos and drama.

To do plan B, I think you need to be ready to get a D if necessary though. I think you are. In fact, you're already at a point you may never even be able to live with your WH again, even if he does return.

I think you're just in the right spot for plan B, but you said you aren't much of a plan a/b person. What gives? All you have to lose is booby shots and being stuck in the gravitational field of a drug abuser.

GC

GC,

Two things right now keep me from wanting to just do Plan B:

Financial insecurity (a biggie, as he's becoming very funny with his money now and I'm a person who doesn't like unknowns)

And right now I truly don't think I want to go back. I am starting to realize (Mel, if you read this you should be proud) that my M has been very chaotic and now that for the first time in my adult life I'm starting to get away from that, I am absolutely terrified to go back to that type of life again. I don't want to live in fear.

I want to move on. Not saying I want to date tomorrow. But I feel trapped in a way. I can't do married things with couples--I don't fit in. Can't do single things with singles--don't fit in there either.

WH has been effectively gone from my house and my life from the spouse perspective since mid-December, although he didn't "officially" move out until February.

I have been giving thought to doing Plan B and D all at the same time. In Iowa, from the time you file, it's a minimum of 90 days until the D is final, contingent on when they can fit you into the court schedule.

If he turned himself around in 90 days to the point I would be comfortable considering remaining M, I can call it off or reset the court date for later. Have done it once before.

People have said I'd know if the time came. I think the potential Paris trip with his love (considering he's NEVER in 19 years suggested doing something like this with me) is what has taken me over the edge.

Right now I'm about 99% sure I am done.

Do I need to switch boards?

LL

LL:

This is my first time posting on one of your threads, however, I have followed your story for quite some time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I feel selfish. At this moment I feel really DONE! I want out. I want to get on with life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then for cripes sake woman DO IT!! Get out!! And get on with a bright, peaceful, happy future ...minus the pig...(whoops sorry that was a little harsh)....minus the dog! Again, I apologize , but your WH's antics disgust me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And then I feel guilty because I haven't Plan B'd like all of you told me to. Do I need to do that before I move to Plan D??? Will I feel guilty, or like I didn't give it my all if I don't? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditch the guilt. It's only making you feel bad and second-guess yourself. No amount of watering, fertilizing or sunshine....nor "Plan B" will turn a shrub into an oak tree. Not gonna happen.

Protect yourself, your emotional and mental well-being, protect your children's well-being, and protect your future of sunshine and rainbows, by ditching this rat...once and for all.

Sorry all....very un-MB-like advice, but I've lived with a similiar rat, and I've found my pot of gold. Meanwhile he's remained in the rat-hole for 8 years since I left him and shows no signs of emerging.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a screw up....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are like a magnificent, precious flower...just waiting to bloom. Get on with it...

LL, I don't think that fighting for your M means you can never be the one to initiate the D.

And your WH - bleh. I felt bad for him a couple of months ago when I knew less about your story and he seemed to just be on self-destruct. But he's shown himself to be a real d*ck lately. The stunt with the phone was wholly malicious.

Have you spoken with somebody at your church about D? I forget. Not just to get permission, but to deal with your feeling that it makes you somehow a failure for giving up too soon.

You aren't being selfish. You've held your family together without his help and taken abuse and disrespect from him for months. How much of that stuff are you supposed to choke down before you say uncle?

GC

I sense that you have crossed a line into sanity, LL, that will be hard to ever come back from. Can you even picture yourself back with your H and all that verbal abuse and bullying? And it will be even worse if you happen to meet someone who even remotely meets your needs. I think you will be a goner when/if that happens.

Have you ever considered that maybe God doesn't want you in a sick, dysfunctional marriage with a practicing alcoholic anymore? Maybe he wants you to be well so you can serve him well. I realize that God hates divorce, but he does give you an out for infidelity.

I just can't picture you going back into concentration camp again, can you?