HiHi LL,

1) If he's got a lawyer (and I don’t think he does), he's the dumbest lawyer on the planet. First thing the lawyer would tell him would be to keep his friggen mouth shut while he investigates and draws up papers! (That is what your lawyer will say, too, so PLEASE DO NOT SPEAK ONE MORE SYLLABLE TO THIS MAN!!!!)

2) Assets hidden by your H will be found by your lawyer. Your H isn’t selling stock and hiding in an off shore account, the bozo is selling his Harley to a beer buddy for a dollar, and the courts will look harshly on that!

3) What was the catalyst for this outburst? My guess is that you are talking too much to someone who is passing everything along to your H (your D?), or, he and OW are reading here at MB. He see's your worried about money and are getting close to just D'ing his a**. People here are telling you to secure assets and get out. I bet he read that and freaked out.

Please get a lawyer quickly and bully up. He is now vengeful towards you and nothing good will come from this. You must be very smart and calculating from this point on. There is now a lot more at stake now than just a broken heart, your financial future is in grave danger. Please, please take care of yourself - Dru

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Smart guy. No $15,000 asset in his possession, and no $15,000 in proceeds to have to split.
Really pretty dumb. Since you are going through all this, the court will see this and can simply use the market value at the time and award you half.
If a divorce or separation has already been filed, then there could even be criminal charges, as an injunction is almost always placed on both parties which prevents the seeling of assets without written agreement by both parties. This is specifically to prevent this stuff from happening.

(I'm not a lawyer so...)
If your parents house is in a trust, then the court will not force it to be sold, even if he were to have 1/4 of it. They would very likely simply keep his name on 1/4 of it and when it sold (eventually), he would get his share. You could make an offer to buy out his share in the divorce.
It's a win/win. He gets money now and you don't have to worry about him getting family property.

So, what did the lawyer say? What is the latest today? (Was on vacation last week)

One thing that struck me as I read the many days worth of posts. You seemed to gloss over his drug use. He has been an alcoholic for much of your M. You are admitting he has been an occasional meth user. And after talking with your ex-mutual friend, you discovered he is now a cocaine user. Probably uses more than you would ever guess he is. Had a falling out with mutual friend because WH accused her H of taking his coke mirror...but found it later in the camper.

Protecting your assets should have been happening months ago.

No, WH does not have a lawyer, he is getting dumb%ss advice from all his friends...

You spoiled his plans for Paris because you took money out that he thought was his...too bad. He is trying to manipulate you into giving him back enough money to complete the trip...he wants to feel no consequences for his actions...

But be very clear about this, until you talk with a lawyer, there should be no more discussions with WH about money. If he has something to say to you, ask him to write out what he wants in a letter. The more you get on paper about what he wants or doesn't want, the more concrete an agreement you can work out on paper.

YOu have been the big bad momma keeping him from getting everything he wanted. You have had tight control of the purse strings and he has had you to blame for not getting what he wants. Because you have controlled the finances he has falsely seen you as the person keeping him from getting what he wants. He has money, has been broke, has to feel the sting of dealing with his own finances, has mismanaged them, and is trying to blame you again... He is trying like the dickens to get back into the same rut, because he knew that rut, and can't stand that HE may be to blame...

ll,

He is trying to jerk your chain.

My guess would be that he is angry because his little jaunt over the pond is being put in peril for some reason or another.

He is running through that money...and the odds of him getting over there lessens each day that he has to wait.

She has a child...might not be able to get a babysitter for that long.

She needs a passport...and I would wager that she doesn't keep one in her undie drawer...so it's gonna take a good 4-6 weeks to get that. National Security levels being what they are it could take a bit longer.

He's getting antsy because every day that he waits to go...is another day that more money is blown (possibly up in nose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

Now, he's gonna turn that into YOU being the reason that he cannot go...be prepared.

I have begged you to get something in writing...I just hope that you do something NOW.

committed

Good or bad, right or wrong, D papers are being served on WH tomorrow. After doing lots of shifting of money from joint accounts that he can't access right now into new accounts set up in my name, I went from there to work long enough to call a good attorney who was able to fit me into a slot in his schedule this morning.

No, WH has not filed on me. He's scared and is dancing now. From what I can tell ( I called him from the attorney's office this morning, he was blowing more smoke, the attorney he said would be contact me one a coworker used for his D.

WH now claims he hasn't contacted anyone yet and has not filed, though when he asked if I was at the attorney calling him, I told him it wasn't his business, and he hung up. My phone has rang and rang at work but I put it on "do not disturb".

There was a message on my work phone, based on the time, left before I talked with him at from the attorney's office, apologizing for being so angry last night and telling me he still owns the Harley, that he didn't really sell it for $1.

A teeny part of me now feels guilty for filing. But a bigger part of me doesn't. When he starts threatening my parents property, he crossed a serious line (which my attorney wants to see the papers for--thinks if it's what I'm describing, my mom could take WH' name off right now because it only goes to us when both my parents are gone.)

I am really, really tired of the threats and anger, and then the nicey-nice, and then more threats.

And yes, all of you who think he's doing this because his Paris trip is threatened because he can't can't keep track of the money he spends are right on target. I knew that from the start of the calls (actually from the texts that came on Sunday).

BTW, daughter never did come home, but in trying to get WH from attorney's office, I called his cell first and it was at home with OW. She answered (because she didn't recognize the number). And she confirmed that dd never showed up at their place last night.

So I'm a bit worried about dd because again I don't know where she is, but at least she didn't end up at WH's house where they could clear all my texts.

Finally, one big fear in this D thing: My WH will do anything to get DD on his side. He bought her smokes and she's underage for goodness sake. I have been warned that she may get angry and decide to go live with WH and OW. If she does, I would be paying him child support and not vice versa.

The only way to counter that, should it happen, would be to try and prove he's not a fit parent. Okay, we all know he's not right now. But proving it will be expensive and will depend on his friends being willing to spit out the truth under oath.

Finally, I'm sure when he gets served tomorrow, the child support I've been getting will immediately dry up, so I have to account for this as well. It could take 5-6 weeks or longer to get a child support order in place.

I'm going home from work right now because, as I'm ignoring all WH's calls, I think it's really important that I get the locks changed on the doors before he shows up when I'm not there and decides to load stuff up in anger.

I know this is not what MB is all about. Did I do a bad thing filing on him without doing Plan B first and waiting for him to file on me?

LL

You finally take a decisive action ... then right away start to second guess yourself. Stop doing that. It makes you look weak. Your H is depending on you to return to your weakness and inability to take action. . Why don't you disappoint him ... by showing him your strength and resolve?

Stay the course. This is not a premature or knee-jerk decision on your part. He is playing a game with your life. cat and mouse. Opt out of his game. Let him do his thing .... you do yours.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>

I know this is not what MB is all about. Did I do a bad thing filing on him without doing Plan B first and waiting for him to file on me?

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry to step in when I have never answered you before...I have read almost all your posts since May....

This is what MB is about....

if this is the stage and the emotional place you find yourself in....it is called SELF-PROTECTION.

Something you should have been doing before now....if he had not taken your feelings of self-worth and trashed them...

you are worth sooooo much more than how you are being treated, and it is beyond time that you take steps to protect your $$, your future and your sanity..

I for one, salute you and applaud.

protect yourself, protect your D as best you can, and ask for the Lord's protection down the path you now find yourself on...

I am proud of you.


Dylan

Yep, just huffing and puffing. Bonehead ideas that his buddies helped him with.

LL, toss that guilt overboard.

Barely 12 hours ago you were freaking because you were afraid he'd beat you to it. You can't let him put you in that position again.

It's time to take care of LL. Do you really think he wants your DD to live with him and OW? What will they do when OW needs to get naked and crawl around on all fours howling and all that?

GC

Um. I haven't posted to you, but have been reading and praying for you. Just to let you know, there is a very EASY way for you to prove him unfit and it doesn't involve one friend backing you up. It's called a follicle test. Basically they take a hair sample from him....which will prove he's been using for the past 6 months (that's how long drugs stay in your hair). Ask your lawyer to request a follicle test. Oh, and bring up he bought dd a carton of ciggies for her b-day. THAT should go over hugely with a judge...."Here dearie, I love you so much I thought I'd give you cancer for your b-day!" Ug. Classless jerk!

Oh, I dunno about your state, but here in TX, if you request a drug test and he's not positive, THEN you pay for the test...but if he DOES prove positive (and you know he will), then it comes out of his pocket!

((((((HUMONGOUS HUGS))))))

- Kimmy

Absolutely you did the right thing! You have a responsibility to protect yourself from his foolishness. There is no Marriage Builders principle that says you sit there idly while your spouse ruins you financially! You did good, so stand proud and don't go wobbley on us!

p.s. I guess we know now where your hot button is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

{{LL}},

You need to go into battle now.Is there anything remotely left in the marriage that you could ever want back? This man threatens your very wellbeing,your livelyhood.Could you ever have someone like that in your life again,even if they turned over a new leaf??

I know this isn't very MB like but I would ax your WH out of your life STAT.

You need to get a forensic accountant too to make sure that anything your WH is trying to hide WILL be found.Talk to your lawyer about it.Your WH may be huffing and bluffing but that's THIS time,what about next time? Are you going to sit and wait for it to happen?

It's sink or swim time LL.What's it going to be?

O

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

And yes, all of you who think he's doing this because his Paris trip is threatened because he can't can't keep track of the money he spends are right on target.

I thought so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Finally, one big fear in this D thing: My WH will do anything to get DD on his side. He bought her smokes and she's underage for goodness sake.

Each state works differently as far as this goes. I would call the local police station and ask for the number of the department that handles underage drinking and smoking.

In the state that my sister lives in, her H is the man that goes in and sets up sting operations to catch people giving and selling cigs and alcohol to underage kids. There are HUGE fines involved...even if the parents give it to them. If you get him charged with "contributing to the deliquency of a minor" and fines up to $1,000,
he won't be in a position to get custody of her. He can also kiss goodbye to gay Paree. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't you DARE second guess yourself now.

There are NO Harley concepts that allow for your wellbeing, and that of your kids, to be in jeopardy. He is quite clear on the addiction stuff...marriages CANNOT be saved as long as an addiction is present.

JMHO
committed

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

LL, I do hope you manage to get those locks changed and batten down the hatches right away. Your WH might turn into a real mental patient when he gets served. Make sure you and your property are safe. You can't be too careful with an abusive drunk. When you go to work, park your car where he isn't likely to find it. Keep an eye on your rearview mirror. Put yourself and your kids into protection mode as best you can, and try not to leave anything to chance.

And of course, document everything under the sun. Carry a camera with you.

GC

He knows he's getting papers. I shouldn't have told him. I got home early, with the new locks that he has no idea I'm changing, and the phone rang. DD picked it up and handed it to me and said, "it's Dad, he wants to talk to you."

He asked me if he should be expecting papers. Maybe I should have said "no", but I don't believe in lying so I told him.

He asked how much it was going to cost him. I told him it was up to him. If we agree on everything, it might get done for around $1,000. If we don't, it will be far more. I told him I have no intention of taking him for everything. I just don't want to fight anymore.

I started crying. He let me go.

Then he called back. DD answered again. She asked if I wanted to talk to him. Why not? I was already a mess.

He asked if I would still talk to him. I said, "yes, probably. But if you accuse me again or start fighting with me, I'll hang up."

He said okay and let me go again.

He just sounds really void of any emotion. I still have to sign the papers when they're prepared tomorrow morning at the attorney's office so that they can be served tomorrow afternoon, but I see no reason not to at this point.

Sorry all of you who were pushing for a Plan B from me. I probably should have done it earlier, and now I was just out of desire to try it.

Miracles can happen. He could turn himself around and if he truly did, I can't say I wouldn't give him another chance. But the way things stand right now, and his total lack of emotion in our phone call, says he may have just been waiting for this anyway.

LL

From what I see in MB, Harley wants bad marriages to end or change. Persisting in tolerating abuse is not the same as commitment to marriage or forgiveness. Your H needs to do his part. Is he?
It doesn't seem so.
Cherished

Can you get caller ID for heaven's sake? Please stop talking to your WH.It gets you absolutely nowhere.Put up some boundaries LL.It's like you are a boxer in the ring and you have been beaten down so much that you can't even fight back or put up your hands.Start listening to your own inner voices and stop letting your WH treat you like he does.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry all of you who were pushing for a Plan B from me. I probably should have done it earlier, and now I was just out of desire to try it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL,

You have that all wrong. Noone wanted a PlanB FROM you...they wanted it FOR you. It is done to protect you and the love that you still had for your WS.

What happened is what people were afraid of...and the purpose behind the PlanB. You are out of desire to work on the marriage. Your bank is overdrawn.

Again...it wasn't FROM you...it was FOR you.

committed

Quite frankly I hoped LL wouldn't go into Plan B.

There is so much more to life and love LL. You deserve a healthy, loving relationship and you will find peace and happiness...

It takes time to adjust to it, and feels very strange at first, but it gets easier and easier.

Please stay strong. The days and weeks ahead will be tough and very emotional, but do not allow him to wear you down or bully you any longer.

Okay, the hatches are battened down (I changed both main door locks by myself--it was much easier than I expected). WH still has access to the garage which is okay. Most of the stuff out there is his anyway. I'll make sure I bring in the few things that have meaning to me.

Committed, regarding your Plan B comment...

Yes I know I let the things he was doing wear down my LB. It may have subconsciously been on purpose. As long as I was watching his stupidity, I had a reminder of why I should not let him back unless he had shown PROOF of change. Otherwise, I could have easily been weak and as soon as he asked in June if he could come home, I have believed he was ready and said "Yes". That would have been a HUGE mistake I can see now.

These last few months have given me a chance to see what he's made of. Sure, the aliens have him squarely under their control right now. He's WAY coo-coo right now, even for him! But the underlying patterns are what I've seen all through my M. He is very selfish. Things have always been about him. When I've tried to explain that or ask for help or to go to counseling, he's always declined.

His need for SF has fallen off dramatically over the last several years, from something that never was really strong in the first place. I've asked if things were okay. Yep, he was just tired.

Strangely enough, the drive has come back (by his own admission a few months back--"my appetite has increased") since he's been with OW, so it was not a problem with low hormones. It was a problem with his feelings for me.

I'm not sure, even if he manages to pull his head free from darker regions, that he'll ever see me as something other than his adoptive mother. I have been there to pick him up and set him on his feet time and time again, to make him feel okay about himself when he makes a boo-boo, etc. He expected it from me, and I think that's why he has told me so much detail during his A. He doesn't see me as the wife and lover. He sees me as someone he seeks approval from.

Yes, right now the desire to be with him is gone. He has some great qualities. No one can turn a piece of junk into gold like he can. That's how we've saved a lot of money over the years. He's spontaneous. He has quick wit and a fun sense of humor when he's not angry. And yes, when he was actually "in the mood", he's talented. I could make a long list.

Problem is, right now I can make a much longer list of qualities that are very difficult to live with. If they weren't coupled with alcohol or meth and illicit sex, I could probably deal with them. But it's all too big right now.

We'll see what he does with himself. I pray he doesn't get so drunk and screwed up that he tries to take his life. He has guns, including a very large handgun. I'm not sure where they are right now.

I'm going to count on my friends, my pastor, and all of you to help me keep my head screwed on straight during all this. K???

LL

Lots of thoughts about how things should have been tonight. Took a tough call from a mutual friend (not THE mutual friend referred to a few months ago as "mutual person").

This mutual friend was best man at our wedding years ago and lives in our home town. He hasn't called me in months, I believe, because it's very hard for him to accept what is happening. I think we were the couple who has always kept it together, through trials and tribulations.

He admitted to that each time he does call our house, it's with the hope that WH will pick up the phone on the other end and tell him we're back together again.

He leaves messages for WH on his cell but as he does to everyone else, WH ignores him, too, or he'll answer and say he's busy but will get back to him, and then never does. But all I could tell him is, "Andy, I'm sorry the news isn't better."

He kept saying he wished there was something, anything, he could do to get us back together.

I had to be honest. Right now I don't want to be back together. There's too much to deal with.

If someday WH truly gets his act together and is still interested in trying, maybe I'll consider it. Divorced people do, on occasion, remarry. My heart breaks because of his path of total self-destruction. But I'm not ready right now to rebuild something with someone who has flaunted their girlfriend in my face for months. I would need to see a total different person where the alien now stands.
------------------------------------------------

I am really starting to think I don't belong on this board anymore, but I'll admit I don't want to leave because I really rely on the support I get. I just don't my situation to cause others to struggle and give up on their efforts. I was a very poor MB student. I got really good at Plan A, but could never cross that line to Plan B.

LL