You're sounding good, LL.

I was telling a friend of mine about you tonight. Years ago, she fell in with a crowd that was into meth. Every last one of them is either dead, in jail, or in some kind of mess, last she heard.

A guy she was dating once got into it, and all hell broke loose.

When I mentioned your WH's meth use, she said, "She has to get away fast. She should have done it long ago." Her attitude is, if somebody you care about starts using that stuff, run. Her experience has obviously made her pessimistic.

GC

LL,

There are five steps in making a decision like divorce--just as there are five steps to dealing with grief.

1. Accepting the fact that this is going to really, really, REALLY hurt.

2. Accepting the fact that you are going to lose some of the things that are precious to you now.

3. Realizing that it's going to hurt, and knowing that there is going to be loss, you decide to move ahead anyway.

4. About half-way through, you second-guess yourself and wander in the Valley of Indecision.

5. Deciding to move forward with your decision and learning to adapt to the new way of life.

Envision this a little like a person who has cut their right arm and the wound gets gangrene. The person knows that eventually they will either have to cut off their right arm or the gangrene will kill them. They have to go through the five steps!

First they have to emotionally adjust to the fact that cutting off their arm is going to really, really, REALLY hurt--physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Next, they have to accept that they are going to lose their right arm and everything that their right arm can do. They will never have their arm again. They will never, ever again be able to put their arms around someone...or throw a baseball...or bowl...or write a letter to their gramma...or embroider. Their right arm is precious to them, and they have to accept that there is going to be a loss.

Next, they make the decision--the arm HAS to come off. They tell the doctor and schedule the surgery and start sewing their shirts.

Oh-oh! Then they enter the Valley of Indecision and wander around awhile. They wonder: "Am I making the biggest mistake of my life? What if this goes away? What if I could KEEP my arm? What will my family think? My friends think I should try homeopathic remedies, but I just don't believe in it. What if they're right? What if people are disappointed I gave up on my arm?"

Some people get stuck here, in the Valley of Indecision, for quite a while. Meanwhile, it's not like the gangrene stops while they decide. It's still poisoning their system and progressing. In fact, if they stay stuck here too long, it could eventually threaten their life!

Finally, one day, they embrace it: they are going to one-armed. The surgery is finished, and they miss their right arm. There are some regrets and some loss, but they gradually move on and adjust. They open a store for left-handed people. They invent a new prosthetic arm. They realize that ONE arm is enough to hug someone. And they are ALIVE, and life is what counts.

LL, you hit step 3 and made a decision. You took steps and made a move... Don't get lost in the Valley of Indecision too long.


CJ

Sorry all of you who were pushing for a Plan B from me. I probably should have done it earlier, and now I was just out of desire to try it.
So you prefer all the pain, conflict and drama of your interactions with him?

Quite frankly I hoped LL wouldn't go into Plan B.

There is so much more to life and love LL. You deserve a healthy, loving relationship and you will find peace and happiness...

It takes time to adjust to it, and feels very strange at first, but it gets easier and easier
And one of the main reasons to use Plan B is to help you adjust.
There is no "requirement" to reconcile (or even consider it) in Plan B.
Plan B is designed to remove you from the crapola.
Plan B is to help you get past all the pain and hurt of the affair, whether you divorce or whether you reconcile.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been there to pick him up and set him on his feet time and time again, to make him feel okay about himself when he makes a boo-boo, etc. He expected it from me, and I think that's why he has told me so much detail during his A. He doesn't see me as the wife and lover. He sees me as someone he seeks approval from.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That doesn't sound too far from the truth. I would also say that you became comfortable in that role too. While you might have been wanting the dynamic to change at times, you kept right on doing it. You had been his caretaker for so long that a PlanB put you in the mindframe of abandoning him...it went against the grain for you.


It becomes that way when a person is an addict (whatever the drug of choice) and their spouse becomes their caretaker...in other words, their "enabler". Had you NOT done that job things would be different...but that's neither here nor there now. What is important is that you have figured out where you fit in HIS equation and you (hopefully) do not like it and have decided to not participate (filing for D).

I was not calling you "wrong" in a bad way. I was wanting you to see that the people here were wanting what was best for YOU...not for your WS. The PlanB was to protect YOU...not your WS.

I happen to think that it is ok that your LB is overdrawn if that is what it took for you to wake up. I mentioned months ago that you were NOT able to do a PlanB until you hit bottom with him. I guess he did enough to ensure that. People know that they cannot save him, they sure wanted to save you though and that is why all the encouragement to go to PlanB.

MelodyLane was determined to save you...lol. I can imagine that she is glad that you have chosen to remove yourself from the alcoholic's path.

Do NOT participate in his drama ...he is going to start a guilt trip on you. I can imagine that the OW will start pressuring him for marriage talk now that you have filed. Be prepared.

JMHO
committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It takes time to adjust to it, and feels very strange at first, but it gets easier and easier

And one of the main reasons to use Plan B is to help you adjust.
There is no "requirement" to reconcile (or even consider it) in Plan B.
Plan B is designed to remove you from the crapola.
Plan B is to help you get past all the pain and hurt of the affair, whether you divorce or whether you reconcile.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the clarification on Plan B.

I always thought of Plan B as a "strategy" to end an affair, preserve the BS's love for the WS, with a long-term goal of saving and repairing the marriage. I sort of viewed removal from crapola and getting past pain and hurt as side benefits of going dark.


I feared if LL went into a solid Plan B, her WH may have "panicked" when he realized she was no longer "there" for him, and knowing his type, may have charmed, guilted, and convinced her to take him back. And I'm sorry, very-un MB-like, and just my personal opinion, but I feel LL deserves a much better life, than what she has had with him.

Dear LL:

I am so glad to hear that you will finally put an end to this.

On these 9 pages our fellow MB's have given you an enormous amount of support. What is striking to me though- and I have to tell you this straight up- is how you selectively ignore some points. When I wrote to you a while ago about the discipline issues your now 15 year-old daughter is having, we never got into a deeper discussion where you would even begin to see what is the solution to your daughter's problems.

Did you respond to the people who gave you the analogy of the frog or the woman with the flood? Maybe I just missed that part of your posts.

LL, I think you fit all the symptoms of co-dependency. You thrive on fixing your H's problems. Not your own problems are the center of your life but his problems. Please get information on co-dependency. It will help you to become stronger, now that you going through this divorce.

You have to stop reacting to your H's actions and make your own decisions. Nourish your own feelings. Your life has revolved for so long around taking care of your H, that you have lost the ability to appreciate your own feelings. The lack of shock about your H showing his children the photo of OW chest is the prime example for how disconnected you are from your feelings.

Are you still in IC? What is your counselor's take on co-dependency?

I wish you well, LL. I feel for you and your difficult situation, believe me. I hope that all this chaos will end now for you, and you will find serenity, calm and happiness. Look for these things inside yourself. They are there...waiting to be discovered by you again.

And be careful in posting here. He may be able to read your posts.

I'll respond a little more in my normal detail later...

Right now, I'm short on time because daughter's court date regarding her lifting the $$ from me is this afternoon so have to leave work shortly.

So here is the status of things in a nutshell:

I just returned from signing papers at the attorney's office.

They're on their way to the courthouse this afternoon.

Retainer has been paid.

WH will be served at work tomorrow.

I'm nauseaus, I'm trying not to second-guess myself, and I'm working at choking back tears because I keep thinking of one of the last things he said to me on the phone yesterday when I admitted papers were on the way...

"Not gonna' make it to 20, are we LL?"

(January would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. Had, at one time before all this crap came up, talked about taking our first trip to Hawaii.)

Just having problems dealing today with what could have, should have been....

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Not gonna' make it to 20, are we LL?"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope you said, "That's up to you, Sport. Always was."

LL,

So you skipped plan B. Can't undo that but you can make your future better. You have always had that option within your control. Just can't control a WS. Could control an H (in a loving way of course) but not a WS. See the diff? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BTW, you are part of our GQII family. Why do you think you should go?

L.

I've shed lots of tears today, most of them just coming at random, odd times. Hope that ends soon.

I've thought and thought (I know that comes as a real shock to you all---not!) about why I feel so weird again.

Here's my analysis. First, I'm sure just about everyone (unless you are really hardened) has some "did I do the right thing" feelings when they make a decision as big as filing for D.

But second, it's not really that I'm beating myself up for not doing a Plan B. I don't feel a lot of guilt that I didn't do everything possible, because I seriously don't think Plan B would have made a diff in WH's current situation. Okay, protect me and my love, maybe. But was that really a good thing, or would it have just kept me believing a fantasy?

Maybe if I would have acted immediately on a good Plan A upon finding out about his A, or not listing to Mutual Person for so long, or doing Plan B correctly back in February, but that's long over...

The real struggle I'm facing, I believe is this:

I feel guilt for being the one to pull the plug on the M. It makes me feel like I've given up my vows and my commitment. And I do feel in a way like I'm abandoning him.

Still want to comment on some other things from earlier posts, but I've had a rather long, emotionally exhausting day between signing the papers and then spending part of the afternoon in DD's juvenile court session. More on that, too, maybe.

My sis tried to call me a couple times today. I know she feels sorry for me and wants to offer me company, but right now I'd just rather not have to talk to my family about it. I'm not ready for all the questions and the "Oh, I'm so sorry. What can I do for you? Do you need anything?"

I'm going to be treated like the little lost puppy and I hate that. I don't like pity. I just want to be treated like I was before.

LL

PS...

Don't take this to mean I'm changing my mind.

Just understand I have some feelings to work though.

LL

hi LL!
i havent responded to your posts in a while, but i still follow them.just wanted to say i am really sorry you find yourself in this position. i think you have acted very well thruout this whole mess. and i hope you do not leave GQ II. your advice concerning my d was right on the money, and she is better behaved than she has been in a long time. praying for you and yours,

michelle.

Hello dear LL,

I think your feelings are absolutely normal.
It's some grieving over a loss, too.
When someone dies we also think maybe I should have done this better... or said that..
It's very, very normal.
I saw your picture and I think you are an outstanding lady.
Take care of yourself my dear.. keep posting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>

The real struggle I'm facing, I believe is this:

I feel guilt for being the one to pull the plug on the M. It makes me feel like I've given up my vows and my commitment. And I do feel in a way like I'm abandoning him.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL, but feelings are not truth. The truth is that he long ago gave up on your vows and his committment. You have been hanging around forever trying to fix the situation to no avail. Your patience has only given him more opportunities to tear you down. And now he is trying to tear you down financially.

Your feelngs that you are abandoning him stem from your role as an enabler. You have been his mommy years, which has enabled him to be a bad boy. He is a man, a big boy, who can take care of himself just fine.

LL, I haven't have time to follow much of the recent development. But your title caught my eyes. My dear sister, I will keep praying for you. I totally agreed on what Melodylane said, you've been hanging here so long, your Wh is the one who did not keep the vows. You just have to detach from the situation. Lots of love and support.

LNH,

Thanks for your reply. I'll try to post to your thread, too, soon. I read up on it...just haven't had time to post.

I have mixed feelings. It's a grief thing, I know. All the "what could have been" thoughts are eating at me. And then I also feel like it's not only my life I'm causing tho change, but I'm affecting a LOT of other lives with my decision. Just feels like a lot weighing on me. I don't like making these types of choices.

I feel like I don't belong here on GQII anymore, but several have said "stay" so I will, at least for now. This is where everyone knows me. I'm also posting over on D/D (can never get too much support!).

Not much to update today. WH should have been served papers by 4pm. He hadn't been yet at around 2pm because he called me about something else (still tying up final loose ends with camper sale and title) and I just asked him.

He still sounds strangely very calm and pleasant. I wonder if he has just been waiting, hoping I'd file, and maybe even trying to make me angry to push me away so I would. (Probably reading WAY too much into it.)

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have mixed feelings. It's a grief thing, I know. All the "what could have been" thoughts are eating at me. And then I also feel like it's not only my life I'm causing tho change, but I'm affecting a LOT of other lives with my decision. Just feels like a lot weighing on me. I don't like making these types of choices. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*sarcasm mode on*

Geez LL, I wasn't aware that YOU were the one who chose this mess. I didn't realize that you bought him all his coke and meth, forced it up his nose, and then sent him along with his case of beer and 26er off to have an affair with the little poptart down the road who has no qualms about indulging herself in pornographic activities with a married man. Where'd ya find her by the way?

And to think...all this time I thought these were HIS CHOICES, HIS DECISIONS AFFECTING ALOT OF OTHER LIVES!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

*sarcasm mode off*

Feelings are starting to get in the way now..

WH called tonight to see how his son was doing after having his wisdom teeth cut out yesterday. (OT...DS looks sort of like a chipmunk despite the icepacks).

He is very calm--very controlled, and back to wanting to be totally cooperative with me. The Paris trip has been rescheduled to the end of November now--guess they got a better deal (he didn't so much volunteer the info but said he was going to be a lot shorter of money at the end of November and I asked why). He has put a deposit down on the trip though, so it sounds like a go.

I know I should just shut up and say nothing. He told me he doesn't want to fight or cause this to be expensive or painful for either of us.

But I asked him, "So, is were you waiting for me to do this?"

No, he says, he wasn't. And actually, he said he was quite pissed when he found out, and that OW then started questioning why he was so angry about it.

And then her aunt has told her to "guard her heart" because a man who is getting D doesn't help his wife with bills and other things like WH is. Says it's not normal.

So he told OW that if that's the way she feels about it, he could always peddle the other Paris ticket or take me just as easily as he could take her.

Huh?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm sooo confused. He isn't in it with her for the long haul. I've always known that. He's just waiting for the thrill or whatever the heck it is they have to end.

I told him again, that this wasn't the way I wanted things to work out, but that I am so tired of fighting and all. He said, "I know why you filed--because I threatened your parents house when I was drunk." I said that was part of it...could have also been the booby pics on the phone...could be that I have a little problem with him having a girlfriend for the last year or boozing or cranking.

I said, are you still doing crank (meth)? "Yeah.." he says.

I know--brain says I'm doing the right thing. Get away while I have the chance.

But there are still feelings--deep ones, for him. And because the papers for some reason haven't been served on him yet (and I have an email in to my attorney to find out why, because he should have had them on Thursday), I'm thinking that maybe this is God saying "wait a while longer...it can take 2 years or more for the A to blow over...I'm giving you a chance to call it off before he gets his papers."

I think this has all gone on long enough that I'm losing my mind!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Someone feel free to help me get my brain on straight. It's not because I didn't do a Plan B. That wouldn't have made a difference to him because the only need I'm meeting for him is an occasional phone call. Not enough to bring him back.

It's because I am the one who made the decision to file, not him.

LL

LL -

Please go ahead with the divorce. This is what it is going to take for him to straigten out. He needs to bottom out!!! You can no longer be an enabler, it will destroy both your lives.

His life may end up destroyed anyway, but this is the one card you have left to play... play it for heavens sake, especially if you love him. Let him fall, LL it is the only way.

I have been through alcoholism and drug addictions so much in my own life and believe me this is the only thing you've got left.

Please, please go back to Al-anon and let them help you through this.

Weaver

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>

I said, are you still doing crank (meth)?

"Yeah.." he says</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">enough said.


Dylan