H's family is treating me as if I am just his ex gf. That's probably just the way I feel. If I call try to talk to any of them I feel like they think I am stalking. Again, just how I feel. I don't know if there is any truth to it at all.

As for friends, I don't have many. Most of the people I knew wher H's friends who won't talk to me or I don't want to talk to anymore. I have 3 friends up here right now. One just had a baby in June and I haven't heard from her since before her baby shower in March. My other friend from school lives about an hour away but I see her a couple of times a week. She's not much on talking on the phone and she tells me that she can't stand being around the same person for more than a day or so. (She is getting married in May next year and only sees her Fiancee about once a week). My other friend lives about an hour and a half away and he has an odd work schedule so I can pretty much only see him on weekends. Other than text messages I can't even reach him during the week. I have been attending church functions and meeting people there but I'm still not that comfortable with the super religious folk. Hopefully when I land a job I'll be able to click with the co-workers.

Blah, I just rememebered that I should have asked MIL to bring my mail with her. I'm waiting for my new debit card to come in from my new bank so I can stop using my old bank.

Anyway, I think I'm going to head back to the hotel for the night. Today has been tiring and I have a followup interview at 8am tommorow. I hope everyone else has a good night. I'll be back tomorrow.

Ivory,

I would like to help you out with the clothes situation. What size do you wear? Let me know and I will round up some dresses/suits for you. They may be used, but in great condition. Perhaps I could send them to the church that has been so kindly helping you.

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH-45
DS-almost 3
Status: D-Day 5/02, Divorce final 5/04 after 2 years of trying to recover marriage.

Thanks, but I think I'm finally doing okay with my clothes. As soon as I get a place my mom is going to send up my suit and other work clothes I forgot when I left there.

As to jobs, I had my second interview with the bank and the hotel today. The bank said they would call me back in the next few days and after the one at the hotel, the guy told me he was going to go talk to the other manager that I spoke to yesterday and tell her that he thought everything was good for me. So, I may have a job pretty soon.

As for housing: I spoke to a girl today who is looking for someone to look for an apartment with. I'm supposed to meet her tonight and see if everything is compatible. She likes cats and is also looking to find a place ASAP. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay, well I thought this roommate would have been a pretty good match and in most ways she is. The problem is that she really wants to move to a place that's kinda far for me, is $100 more expensive than the apartment I found that is too far for her, the room doesn't have a W/D included like the one I saw, and I think the thing that's really bugging me about the apartment she wants is that it's on the same street (about 2 blocks away) from the girl's house and that makes me kind of uneasy. So my search continues I guess. I told the roommate girl how I was uncomfortable moving 2 blocks from the girl's house and she just said "Oh, you're never going to see her." Umm... I think that's besides the point.

Maybe I can find someone who will want to move into the place I just found. It's getting to the point where I need to find someplace fast. I think I've found a good place at a great price but I just can't find a roommate that wants the same.

Okay, in other news, my friend invited me to go see the fireworks at Navy Pier last night with her fiancee and her friend. I think she was trying to fix me up with him. It was very uncomfortable. My friend is getting married next spring so I kept talking wedding stuff and mentioning things about my wedding so that the guy was clear that I am still married. The strangest thing was that before I met the guy she tells me that he was her high school sweetheart who was very pushy about sex and so she gave in and lost her virginity to him. Okay, even more akwardness. She didn't tell him I was married so finally when I mentioned how much my reception costed at my wedding he figured it out. Anyway, this guy continued to make advances and said that he really didn't consider me to really be married so I took out my wedding photo book at made him go through all of the photos until he was so uncomfortable himself. He's a used car salesman and he reminds me kind of of that used car salesman in True Lies. Blah... Anyway, he's called me twice today and left a message that he wants to go out on Tuesday. I didn't answer his calls. It was just a wierd night. He was convinced there was chemistry between us and I kept telling him no, I was just freezing out on the pier and he was imagining the signals he thought he was getting.

Anyway, other than that, I've been feeling sick all day. I went to look at the apartments today and all it did was remind me that I wasn't moving into it with H. After seeing the place I liked I just wanted to call him up and show him because deep down I want to move in with him. I know it's stupid. I'm just still not ready to let go. I haven't contacted him in two days. He only contacts me if I contact him first.

Still no news on any jobs. Hopefully I'll hear someything tomorrow.

Good on ya, Ivory! Keep up the good work, and keep up the search for good work, too!

Stay away from your H for now. Whatever's between you and him can be resolved later. Simple rule:

Survive first.
Protect self and children second.
Marriage third.

Sucks to put the marriage third, but some things really do take precedence even when you're a marriage advocate. Luckily, it's possible to do the first two without doing any more harm to the third.

Last night was tough. I've been feeling sick all week and felt so alone in my hotel room. I still don't know what to do about the apartment. I really don't like the idea of living 2 blocks from that girl's house.

I went to bed early last night only to be waken by the fire alarm at midnight. I guess someones toaster got a little smokey so the alarm went off. I had a hard time sleeping after that. I kept thinking about H. When I tried to close my eyes I began to invision a reconsiliation. Of course that doesn't seem like it will ever happen but in my dream it did until I went back to the house and saw the room emptied of my belongings. So I cried myself to sleep. I can't believe how much I still miss the guy.

Anyway, I just got a call from the hotel with a job offer. They want me to come in and fill out some paperwork. Of course they still haven't told me how much the job pays but it's something. I'm still waiting to hear from the bank. I think that's what I really wanted but I'll have to wait a little while longer in order to see if I get that one.

Excellent!!! Take this job. If you get offered a better one, that's totally okay. Maybe you can work both of them, and having the opportunity to choose between jobs isn't a bad thing at all!

Dreams of reconciliation are fine.... but it's not just your choice, so for the moment put that dream on the back burner and stay focused on the things you CAN do.

Okay, today I had lunch with H. Wasn't sure how he would feel about my still wearing my wedding bands but oh well, I wore them anyway. We were supposed to meet at one restaurant but he found out it was supposed to close within 40 mins so he changed the venue to my favorite restaurant. I was so proud of myself. I didn't bring up the R once. I smiled, laughed, and struck up a pretty good conversation. There were only a few times in the conversation that I ever felt my throat swell. That was when he talked about taking things out of the room and how happy my cat was and that she really missed him mom when she was out of town.

Anyway, we were in the restaurant for about an hour and a half and then went out to the cars. We talked there for about another half an hour. I thought it was strange that he brought up the R. He only said that he didn't feel any rush to change anything else (as in getting a DV or closing our joint bank account). I told him that I had been going out with some new friends and that I had been into the city a few times in the past few weeks. He mentioned that he always wished we had gone into the city more. Then when I mentioned that I had been going to the gym he also mentioned that he had tried to get me to do that for so long and the same with me having friends. He said that it was strange that now I have friends when before I didn't really. I mentioned back that I was just starting to make friends when everything happened. I also talked about how his family is still very unsure of how to act about the situation.

We even talked about other couples we knew and how he thought there was no way that their marriage would work out. I was like well, I guess you never know. There was even a point where he asked if I was going say anything about my feelings on the situation but I told him he already knew how I felt but that I was really having a good time with my life right now.

It was a little akward when we spoke about one of his students that he roomed with at a tournament in January where his student (18) was seeing a girl (15) when at that tournament. He talked about what a bad situation that was and I changed the subject rather than reminding him of his own actions with a 15 year old!

When we were about to leave he mentioned that he didn't know how I felt about hugs and I said I was fine with them so he came over and gave me the biggest hug. I think he hugged me for like a minute and it wasn't just a light hug he really held me and sweezed at times. Then we ended up talking for like another 15 minutes and he gave me another hug before I left. I think he was hugging me more than I was hugging him.

I talked to him about possibly seeing a movie sometime but he said he wasn't comfortable doing that yet. I told him he could even sit a couple of seats down if he wanted. But I said I understood. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

During the conversation he brought up that he's thinking about changing careers in the next few years. That he's been teaching for 10 years and he's tired of it. He was talking about possibly moving in the next few years and doing some simple type job or something.

When I told him that watching the Tour got me interested in bike riding he was kind of in shock. He said he had been trying for months to get me to go riding and that he had offered to do anything to buy me a new bike a few months ago so I told him he could buy me one now! I think that took him by suprise and he started laughing and told me I missed the window for that.

Overall it was a pretty good lunch. I think I suprised him with how well I'm dealing with things. He tells me he hasn't been able to sleep in weeks and that he's been feeling kind of depressed the past few weeks. I asked if there was anything I could do to help but I didn't push anything.

Somehow the subject of the reason I was going to the gym came up. I told him I've been going to relieve some tension. He said he could understand why I'd be tense not having a place to live or a job to which I told him it wasn't that kind of tension. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He said he couldn't help out with that kind of tension, yet. Yet?!? I don't know if he even realized he said that. I thought it was kind of funny. At the end of it all he told me that it really looked as though I'm pretty stable now... Thanks, I think... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He also told me that he doesn't hate me. I guess that's a good thing. He says he still has some anger over some of the things I did (mainly exposure) and that's why he's not comfortable around me. He says it seemed like I was doing those things to hurt him. I told him that really wasn't my intention and that I'm now through with doing that now. (I still don't think he knows I told the girl's parents.) He said he really resented people doing things for "his welfare". I explained that it was something I had to do not only for him but for myself in order to keep going. He said he could say something about that but it would be counter-productive so I left it at that.

Anyway, I know I'm really not supposed to be talking to him but I think the lunch went rather well. Now that that's over I can continue to focus on the things that need to get done.

I think he was really suprised at how well I am right now. He made a point to tell me that he's pretty much just doing the same old things but isn't really happy right now. Who knows, that could be because the girl hasn't been to his club for the past week and a half. I don't know, but I really think I came off looking like the one who is having more fun in life right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry about writing out my entire meeting with H yesterday. It's just that I can't talk about it with anyone I know in person. I think everyone hates him now and they don't want me talking to him.

Today I've been worried about him finding out about my visit with the girl's parents. I saw that the girl was online last night so I guess they are back from their trip. This is making me very nervous.

On another note, I think I found another roommate that might work out. My problem now is that they require the past 2 paychecks to verify income and well, I don't have any. My parents offered to co-sign or even be put on the lease but being that they are out of state causes one problem, followed by that my mom is retired and doesn't get pay stubs, her money is just deposited in her account and my dad owns his own business so he doesn't get paychecks either. I have to call the complex again today to see what can be done. Today has just been filled with worries.

Good work Ivory! Sounds like he is waffling a bit. Don't get your hopes up too much, but you were perfect. IMO when u r competing with a 15 year-old your chances r good of getting him back. That R will fail sooner than later.

Just got an e-mail from the girl's mom stating that I shouldn't worry about the girl telling H about me being there because they told her that if they defied their orders she wouldn't be able to go to his classes anymore. Also, she said that she would be supervising her when she goes to her classes until she feels comfortable that nothing is going to go on between them. What!?!

They are going to leave her there with him if they don't see anything going on? I don't understand this. Of course they are both going to be on their best behavior with her parents around but what's going to happen when they stop? Blah!

Whatever... It's their kid. I do have to say I was a little upset last night when I noticed that the girl was online. They had told me her account would be taken away. I'm getting the feeling that the girl is threatening to do something stupid again in order to do whatever she wants.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:
<strong> Just got an e-mail from the girl's mom stating that I shouldn't worry about the girl telling H about me being there because they told her that if they defied their orders she wouldn't be able to go to his classes anymore. Also, she said that she would be supervising her when she goes to her classes until she feels comfortable that nothing is going to go on between them. What!?!

They are going to leave her there with him if they don't see anything going on? I don't understand this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sat here racking my brains as to how these parents could be so dang stupid until I realized that some people live such insular lives that they can't recognize danger when it is right in front of their noses. Unbelievable!
You need to send them an email back explaining the reasons for no contact. If they can't understand this from a parental perspective <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> perhaps they will from a marital one. You must respond with a rebuttal to this plan!

You may have done entirely too good of a job of protecting your H when you talked to the parents. I find it very hard to believe that these people did not report him to the school, the girl is only 15 for God's sake. If some 29 year old teacher was kissing and groping MY 15 year old behind the classrooms, I'd flip!

You need to clarify the issues to these people, there must be NO contact, not "supervised" contact! If fencing lessons are so all important to this girl's life then your H must not be the instructor, period. He should be nowhere on the premises actually.

IMO, he should not be allowed to work with minors but it's going to take a conviction to get him to that legal point. Hopefully, if he moves on to another young girl, the next set of parents may not be as ignorant and he may well find himself to be a registered sex offender.

Sorry Ivy, I know this is your H but I have teenagers myself and combining that with the way he has treated you and that girl doesn't lend itself to pity from me!

What do you think of some of us giving you samples of emails to send to the parents? I had a big long post to you with an example email that just got lost and now I have to run, but maybe others can come up with some. Could you start a new thread asking for help with this? I have to go..... KB sorry!!!

Jeepers.

Some people's parents.

Ivory dear, don't bother trying to take this on yourself. Write a short note back to the girl's parents and ask them to e-mail me. I'll put them in touch with an expert in infidelity -- one who's raised six children. If she can't explain it to them, no one can. (For those who know her, I'm thinking of Penny Tupy. If you look at her web site, you'd never guess that she's got a daughter who's 22...or is it 23 now? Well, whatever.)

JustJ, that is a great idea! Ivy, I hope you take her up on this, seriously. This is a sticky situation, you need outside help. Penny Tupy is awesome and I'm with JustJ, if anyone can get the point across it will be Penny. KB

P.S. How'd the job search go today?

I'm just worried that the parent's are going to think I'm just prying. The last time the girl was told she couldn't fence she cut her wrists so I think her parents are just trying to let her do everything she wants to keep her from doing that again. At first I was okay with her parents always being around during her class but now I'm not so sure.

I'm a bit worried today because this is the first day they get to see each other since I told her parents. I think I'm a little too emotional today to do anything. Tomorrow is the day that we have always celebrated as our aniversary before we got married. It will be exactly 8 years tomorrow since we first started our R. Last year H didn't have any money to do anything and said he was happy he didn't have to remember this date anymore since we would soon have a new date to celebrate an aniversary. Hrmf! Still 2 months until what would be our first aniversary.

Not much has gone on with the job hunt. I filled out some papers for the hotel job but they still need to check my references and call me back. I hope that goes okay. I haven't heard from them yet.