Here's a "Steady Eddie" checking in from Atlanta.

Let me pose a question I struggle with and an analogy.

Question: Would you modify/abandon a core belief to save your marriage?

Analogy: Let's say you believe in God. One day, masked gunmen break into your home an demand you denounce God or they will kill you (thus leaving your family without a husband and father).

Would you denounce God?

If the answer is "yes" -- isn't that short-term thinking? Shouldn't you trust that God will take appropriate care of your family when you are gone if you truly believe in God?

I struggle with the issue of justice. The question is not whether my belief is right or wrong. My struggle is whether I can find a way to "let it go" without "selling my soul." On the one hand I know it would harm my family and me greatly to wind up divorced over this. On the other hand, if I make an exception or "bend the rules" of my core belief, what kind of man am I?

Again, I am not asking whether I have a valid belief or not -- I am also wrestling with that question.

Todd

Is there room for a Buffalo NY boy?

I had a big reply that got lost in Cyberspace. Grrrrr

In summary:
GC, I think the gift giving may go un-noticed (mine sure does) but I love to do it, so I will keep doing it until I am specifically told not to. I do not think it will hurt, and may help.

Regarding time limits:
I screwed up (I think) and told my wife to 'fish or cut bait' after 6 weeks of plan a with the A still going on. She told me she initiated NC. I am not 100% sure, but my snooping has not turned up anything, and she denies contact.

I plan to stay in this holding pattern trying to be the best I can be for 10 weeks or so. Then plan B.

Regarding SF:
Lets just say that when I watch Scoobie-Doo with my kids, Velma is starting to look good.

Regarding steady eddie:
I think thats me. I am the 'breadwinner' for the family. We used to drink and party a lot, but I was usually the one who made sure we got home OK. I do lots of laundry, take care of the house, cars and bath the kids. I like to do it.

That may not be what you meant, but I too am the one who would prefer to stay home and watch a movie with Nachos or a couple of bottles of wine and some cheese.

Regarding gifts:
I still try to do stuff for my WW because it makes me feel good. I think it goes un-noticed, but I still like to do it. Just little things.

Regarding Belivers last question about how to survive this:

The only thing that keeps me going is the chance. I have known for most of my life that I wanted to be married, raise a family and grow old with the love of my life. I thought that love was my WW. I cannot give up. I cannot walk away from a beautifal women who has made me happier than I have ever been. I cannot leave the mother of my children without a fight.

At the same time, since I refuse to be a doormat, I can only do these things if I feel loved and respected. My WW broke the mother of all promises and if she does not want to fix that, I will focus on my kids and making their life as good as possible.

I will be back.

Dear Todd & Cantthishelp:

Forgive me for barging in on your men's website but I wanted to tell you that you sound exactly like women who are fighting for their WH. They do everything right and play by the rules while their spouses play them.

I believe you also have to demand (in the right way of course) your needs be met and stop doing things for the spouse who returns little. I believe it is called "tough love." There is a fine line between returning good for evil and being a doormat but it is critical you find it. No woman or man wants a dishrag for a spouse, it may be good for cleaning up messes but you do not want to cuddle with it at night.

Do not trust your wives. They have not earned it. If it is possible for you to trust them again, they will have to knock themselves out to do it (and get lots of prayers and counseling and accountability to succeed).

Give these women nothing but hope. No presents. No trust. No compromise. Then you will see if they truly want it to work.

I hope this helps coming from the other side.

God's Image -

Please join in the discussion. There are a ton of men here trying to save their marriage. They are good, honorable men, but feel like crap.

Advice is welcome. We ladies need to pitch in and help them lead their wives back to the marriage, while raising their self-esteem. Very tricky.

The land of cauliflower and fornication checking in here (California)! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Do I miss SF? Well, it's been over a year and a half, but I visited Haight Ashbury and checked out the blacklight posters in the shops while I was there.

Guess I'm good until the fall AGU meeting there.

-ol' 2long

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Hi, FBW here...just wanted to comment on Mac's question about "Steady Eddies"

My FWH was the epitome of a Steady Eddie!!!!!
The one word everyone always uses to describe him is TRUSTWORTHY!! (Hence the TOTAL blind-sided 2x4 I received on Dday) I would have been less surprised if he'd told me he was gay!

I wonder how many WAYWARD H's were considered Steady Eddies and was the A the alter ego coming out???

I want to say you BHs are so strong and loving to stand by your marriages! I hope all of your WWs come to their senses and realize what they have and what they will lose if they don't shape up!!
God Bless you guys!

From the "better late than never category"........

Like RIF90, also here in balmy, scenic Louisiana.

I suppose I would also fall under the "Steady Eddie" type.

I have been in Plan B for almost 4 months. Have not heard from WW at all. Not a peep. I too have a deadline that won't be mentioned, but I also don't know who reads. (I don't think anyone does.)

It has been a long road. In some ways, I'm curious to see how much longer the road is. In other ways, I'm a little weary, and wouldn't mind seeing this come to an end.

Some of the postings of the past week have "unnerved" me a bit. The posting about serial cheaters in particular has gnawed at me. I still have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that may just be who WW is. And if so, what does that mean? I promised to stand beside her, through better or worse, and while there may not be levels of worse, I'm not sure if I truly would ever feel safe again.

Am I the only BH whose W has had multiple A's?

I'm way too young to even be asking these questions.

I'm rambling.

Hello to all.

Ethan

Hi. I, too, am a FBH.

Believer said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">…, while raising their self-esteem.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But look at what we do to ourselves. Just above, I said I was a F-BETRAYED-H.

Like the betrayal defines who I am. I don’t know if that is just the “standard” that we all picked up from the website, but I for one am going to stop it. My wife’s actions have never defined who I am. So I am the FH – the Faithful Husband.

It’s little things like that that the enemy uses to beat you down. Little cracks in the rocks that eventually start the avalanche.

Regarding the “Steady Eddie” – No. I am not one. Here is an interesting twist, in my case the OM was more of a Steady Eddie than me. But in reflection, not so interesting. This site says it is not meeting ENs that sets up conditions for our spouse’s poor choice. So the WS probably goes after what they are not getting at home. Follow?

Todd1967

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Question: Would you modify/abandon a core belief to save your marriage?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXCELLENT QUESTION – you get the door prize!! (Please excuse me, I don’t have a lot of time today and this won’t be up to my standards, but hopefully you will get the gist of it).

Typically, we are more willing to accept behavior that is “outside the mainstream” when we own it. Do you have kids? Remember back before you had kids and were at a restaurant and the couple with the infant/young kid would come in. And you think, “Man, they are going to ruin my evening.” Crying baby, fidgety toddler. You know the drill. And you think “When I have kids, mine will BEHAVE.”

Then you have kids. And find that keeping them in control (which to someone without kids actually means making them behave as adults) is easier said than done.

What happened to your belief system then? Reality.

So as a bunch of male FHs, are we compromising our core beliefs by forgiving our wives?

No. Your core beliefs ONLY DEFINE WHAT YOU DO. If you would never murder someone, and pal around with people who would, or do, you are not compromising your core beliefs unless:
a) You accompany them on a murder – even if you don’t partake.
b) You shield them from others in pursuit.

I know, the analogy is kind of shaky from the standpoint that ANYONE who murders will have someone who wants to exact punishment, but choose to ignore that for a moment and assume they don’t. You will see that your core beliefs are all about your choices.

Forgiveness of another’s actions is only about your standards.

If you forgive your WW, you may be lowering your standards for her, or letting her get by with a set of standards you yourself meet. But now we are treading into the realm of judgments and expectations – very shaky ground.

Shaky for the reason that we tend, subconsciously, to expect people to meet this set of standards in situations that we have not experienced. There is this ideal, that no one can meet, then there is reality.

So forgiving the spouse is NOT a rejection of or action contrary to your core beliefs, but an act of grace and mercy towards someone who could not meet your standards. At the end of the day, it is virtuous behavior.

IMPORTANT POINT: It does NOT mean you have to STAY with the WW. You can forgive her transgression, but STILL move on. That wholly depends on what YOU can or cannot accept as behavior. The “demons” we are now faced with and did not choose on our own, courtesy of the OM/WW.

Now, is it acceptable to meet higher standards than our WWs? The Scriptural answer is YES.

Guys, a lot of the women on this site, both faithful and wayward, have been touting this “I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman" thing. The Bible has lots of passages on how a WOMAN should behave as a wife. But find one, and I mean a similar list, that talks about how a man should behave. There isn’t.

What it DOES say is that a man should be the spiritual head of the household.

What it DOES say is that a man should be to his family as Christ was to the church.

Speaking only to the faithful husbands (sorry ladies if I sound sexist, but there IS a difference in requirements between men and women in the bible) do you have ANY idea of the magnitude of that statement?

Christ faced the worst possible temptations in the wilderness. This means that he also MET all of his STANDARDS. Something we (mankind) could not do on our own steam and in truth would be (is) very difficult even with his help. He knew we could not meet the standards He could, and through grace still accepted and forgave all of us.

THAT is what we are supposed to be to our wives/children. You act on your core beliefs and you set your standards for others only as high as you can reach. And when they don’t you forgive. Again, I am not saying that there are not repercussions for their action, only that it does not compromise your core beliefs to do this AND that you should carefully consider your judgments before dispensing them.

We men are in authority of our households. Authority carries with it responsibility for our charges. So our spouses have this “Proverbs 31 Checklist” they are supposed to meet. They die and go to heaven, and will answer for what they have done and said on this earth. Do you realize that we (the men) are going to go through the same scrutiny, BUT we are also going to answer for the spiritual condition of our WIVES and CHILDREN? THAT’S our burden, that’s what it means when it is said that we are the spiritual head of the household and that our wives should submit to us.

God will consider our ACTIONS against our CORE BELIEFS and make His judgment based on that. But he is also going to look at our (the men’s) spouses and children and their spiritual walk and hold us responsible for whether we bettered that or impeded it.

Men – you must forgive AND extend grace to your wives. You must be to them as Christ was to the church. You will answer for that. If you deem that your marriage is over, that is OK. If your wife has to earn back your trust, that is OK. But it BETTER be a core belief decision for YOU. It better be something like "Because of her actions, I do not believe I can continue to be the Christlike example of unconditional love towards her." Essentially admission that you cannot do something Christ did (and that is OK, He KNOWS your may not be able to meet His standards, but you better not be lying about it to yourself). Because if it is a decision based on you judging your wife against YOUR standards, then that is not Christ-like. For were not His standards impossible for US to meet?

My advice: If you are in a situation where Plan A isn’t working for YOU. And I mean you don’t have the fortitude to execute Plan A either to the best of your ability or for the recommended duration (it is a recommendation, remember?) then you need to get some space. Take some time and really examine the WHY of your decision. You want to come through this holding your head high, but if you do this judging your spouse against your standards, it will be at the EXPENSE of your spouse and not as an EXAMPLE to them. You are supposed to be the EXAMPLE. See the need for space? This is a MAJOR decision for us.

NCWalker

Greetings from freezing Northern Virginia! This has been an interesting threat.

I'm also very reliable, predictable and grounded and I have basically taken care of everything in our lives - cooking, cleaning, finances etc. I've also taken very well care of myself and I'm considered very attractive by many of my H's friends.

I'm always the 'designated driver' and I hardly ever let loose and I've begun to wonder if this may have been one of the issues that led my H to have the EA with OW because while she was not physically more attractive than me, she was definitely more needy and helpless.

Reading your posts about being "Steady Eddie's" has almost made me cry because so many times, I had wanted someone like that in my life. You guys should stay the way you are. Don't let anyone ever change you. I know it hurts what you WW's have done and I can only hope that they will see they good men they have in their lives and recover their marriages.

While my H is not necessarily a 'bad boy', he's definitely not a 'steady eddie'. It seems that in my life I've always been attracted to men who were 'projects' rather than equal partners. My H has come a long way and he is finally more a partner to me than, but it's bee a long and rocky road.

Sometimes I want to just feel what it's like to know that someone is there to take care of me, no matter what. I've never know this feeling...

It helps me a lot to read your posts here.

K.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by B-trayed:
<strong> question. I definitely fit that description. WW always told / tells me I was Mr reliable and the grounding factor in our relationship. Any problems she could just hand them to me.
Looking back, I think this was on of the biggest failings, me being so reliable / predictable. I am the one who did most of the cooking, cleaning, washing the clothes, as well as find time to keep in shape for her. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Another Steady Eddie here, I guess.

I've become the man my father was. (mostly a good thing) He worked 3 jobs, sacrificed everything for family. Became short-tempered and prone to angry outbursts mostly over petty things, but when there was a big thing, he was the man you wanted to confide in, the man whose advice you wanted. A loyal, committed man. Family first in everything he did. Frankly I wish I was more like him.

I have dreams and fantasys, but I'm not a dreamer.

I'm a planner, problem solver, and much to analytical. I've always believed that if even if you know where you want to go, you can't get there unless you plan your work, and work your plan.

I'm idealistic. I believe certain things are always right and some things are always wrong.

As far as would I compromise a core belief for my WW. Well, ... over the course of our relationship I've found myself doing things I never would have imagined. Compromising values that left me feeling uncomfortable and devalued.
I don't know if they were "core beliefs", I just know how it made me feel.

I am glad this thread is called loyal husbands.

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

No offense, but this is one group I'd rather not be a member of!

But, as they say, if the shoe fits. Count me in...
My Saga

NCWALKER,
I deeply appreciate your post. I'm not sure if I can put my feelings into words or accurately depict how important your post was to my psyche at this point!

WARNING!!!!!!!!
This is going to be a long post:

The whole "Steady Eddie" thing, Idunno? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
To my W in varying situations I was more than "steady". I remember when we were say 17 and 18, we were renting a room in a boarding house and we were dead broke. We had nothing to eat just enough to pay the bills. I looked at my GF/now W and said "I'll take care of it!" She'd ask where? & how? and I wouldn't respond, but by the time I came back we had something to eat. I made things happen. That's who I was. That's who I still am. If you'd ask anyone who knows me, they'd tell you FM is the guy you can count on when you can't count on anyone else. Point Blank, "Realibility, Doing the Difficult, Strength and Resiliency" those have been my trademarks and have defined me since I was 15 or so.

Over time I believe my dominance hampered my W's growth. I remember during our separation my W said that I was blocking her sunlight. Blocking her sunlight? I had no concept of what she meant in that statement. I was never the type of person who believed the sun would simply shine on me or that it could be blocked by anyone or anything. I would seek out the sun, look for it, if I couldnt find it nearby I would go on an expediton, a crusade, daggonitt I'm gonna find me some sunshine, and I did on most occasions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> My W was always sort of in the background, though I NEVER wanted her to be. I always dreamt that she would escape from her shell, crawl into herself and become all of the magnificent, wonderful things she might be. The problem is/was I think mentally, I sort of handicap her. This handicap is all in her mind, but that doesn't make it any less hindering.

By the time I was 22 I had appeared on a radio station performing/promoting my poetry, I had written for a DC local newspaper, even had my own front page column that went to press each week(50-100,000 subscribers/small but not small for a new writer). I recall once I was asked to go on assignment at Political Convention in DC and report on the event. I was ESTATIC! Imagine all of the "fascinating", "influential" and "notable" people that will be there?!?! I thought cetainly my W would be excited and jump at the opportunity to attend, boy was I wrong! My W said she wouldn't be comfortable, that she was no one special. I was floored. Nothing special? There have been esteem issues for my W that all of my positive reinforcement cannot penetrate, but during our separation she has sprouted. My W always loved to sing and perform, so what did she do? She joited a group of singers and performers and began strutting her stuff. She performed on the Appollo Theater in NYC. My W has met stars on her trips to LA with the talent management company that she helped run. My W has all grown up and started to come into her own in many regards and it's amazing and enduring to see your closest friend develop and transcend throughout life. The only problem is, I don't think she's comfortable being all she can be in my presence, hence OM, hence her own circle of friends, hence her not being here now.

Domineering is not how I would define my personality, infact many times in professional life I have been called upon to help resolve issues and several managers have coined me very diplomatic. To be more concise, I'm the guy 5 other guys who don't have my seedy past <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> have called upon to solve issues with varying irate clients or to smooth over prickly business issues with managers and departments. Why can't I translate all of those positive traits and harnass them to aid my M? I haven't fully vaulted that bar yet, but I'm trying.

I am an intense debator. I can come up with ideas, opinions off the cuff and rattle off a myriad of justifications, rationalizations and what have you, I'm very convincing. Yes, I've worked as a salesman for a short stint and did see some success there. I actually made commission! My point is, me an my W assume these subconscious roles when we interact. I'm the leader, she's the led. I don't like being the leader all of the time or even most of it, infact I find it stressful to always be in the drivers seat. I would gladly hand her the keys if she would take them, at least that's what I tell myself, the problem is I seldom hand them and she rarely if ever asked for them. How do we change these automatic people that we become. I would love to see my W as OM see's her, or at least as I think he sees her; outgoing, vibrant, spontaneous, dynamic, persuasive; instead when we're together she's more reserved, tempered, sedate, controlled and restrained somehow. I think if she could become more free to stretch in our M that she'd actually be more happy in our M.

As I warned, this is a lengthy post. I need answers, that's if anyone managed to sift through this brain dump of a post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I believe my W still loves me very much, and I realize that it's not so much about OM, but more poignantly it's about how my W feels when she's with OM. If we do not tackle this issue, it's quite possible even if our M does recover from this A that our future my repeat this present, and I'm sure I'm not strong enough to perservere through another betrayal of this magnitude. My W's ongoing need for OM is a symptom of an inbalance in our M and if I must forfeit a portion of my ego and my need to drive on the opposite scale to achieve that balance, No Problem. IMO, the significant problems in our M have alot less to do with love and moreso to do with the roles we play and their direct effect on how my W see's herself and who she ultimately dreams to become. (And all this time I thought womens hot buttons were shoes, jewelry and perfume <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Furnitureman,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Am I the only BH whose W has had multiple A's? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No... you're not.

It hurts, but you can rebuild your M if you and your W are willing to work through this together.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

FamilyMatters,

I actually DO have a couple of thoughts for you to consider.

First (and something I really struggle with) there is the issue of handling a problem. If I come to you guy to guy with a problem I have, there is an unwritten acceptance that I want you to provide me a solution or help me solve it. We’re guys. Solution and action.

If the neighbor lady comes to my wife with a problem, she just wants my wife to listen.

A female will typically ASK for help when they want it. To a guy, even talking about a problem is asking for help.

Read the following question carefully:

Why else would talk about a problem if you didn’t want help?

If you consider that question rhetorical, then you are a guy. If you can actually answer that question without lots of deep thought, then you are a girl. I’d bet money on it.

Do you try and solve your wife’s problems? I do. When begins to share with me I have to mentally check myself and now frequently ASK if she wants a friend (no solutions) or a husband (solutions) when she starts talking. It was (probably still is and I don’t know it) a big problem.

Since your wife’s OM was probably more interested in the “fun of the relationship” her problems were just her problems. Probably felt refreshing to her to NOT have a guy jump in and rescue her.

You tell me, is this you?

=====

Second. The Christ-like leader is the SERVANT leader. There is a growing movement in corporate America about the servant-leader. There are many CEOs who have successfully implemented these principles. And why wouldn’t they? I bet you could search Amazon for a couple of good titles on this (I haven’t read any yet).

I would do a study on the servant leader and make sure that was you in your family.

=====

Third, there is a secular movement in psychology about the “inner child.” I find that it is actually Scripturally based.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Matthew 19:5 And said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?’</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This passage (from Genesis) is actually quoted a couple of times in the New Testament. Notice the MAN leaves the father and mother for the wife. I think that a woman will always ‘need’ a father in her life.

One of the precepts of this “inner child” philosophy is that our parent-child relationships have to be strong before we can have an adult relationship. It would say that IF your WS had a poor, or non-existent, relationship with her dad and she had not moved passed that hurt when you were married, YOU would be “placed” in that role – especially given the caretaker nature of your personality. Essentially improperly “fixing” that part of her – the parent-child – and then she would be able to “look” for the wife-husband, and voila, OM.

Sounds like she has some father-daughter issues to work out. The “inner child” movement is spearheaded by a guy named John Bradshaw and he has a series called “Championing the Inner Child” that is excellent. You should look to a professional who is aware of Bradshaw’s Inner Child work to help. Books/tapes are sometimes not enough.

Does THAT sound like the two of you?

Best regards,

NCWalker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ncwalker:
[QB]
Why else would talk about a problem if you didn’t want help?

Do you try and solve your wife’s problems?

YES! Guilty as charged. (folds arms, but what am I supposed to do if I know she's making a mistake just let her make it?)

Since your wife’s OM was probably more interested in the “fun of the relationship” her problems were just her problems. Probably felt refreshing to her to NOT have a guy jump in and rescue her.

You tell me, is this you?

=====

YES, I'm the Jump in GUY. It's funny for so long she loved the jump in guy, now I guess she's at a different phase and she wants the Step Out Guy, make up your mind. I wish she could've communicated that to me effectively Begeezus its hard being Jump in Guy probably more fun being a Stepper-Outter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Second. The Christ-like leader is the SERVANT leader. There is a growing movement in corporate America about the servant-leader. There are many CEOs who have successfully implemented these principles. And why wouldn’t they? I bet you could search Amazon for a couple of good titles on this (I haven’t read any yet).

I would do a study on the servant leader and make sure that was you in your family.

=====

I will research this concept.

Third, there is a secular movement in psychology about the “inner child.” I find that it is actually Scripturally based.

[QUOTE]Matthew 19:5 And said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?’</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This passage (from Genesis) is actually quoted a couple of times in the New Testament. Notice the MAN leaves the father and mother for the wife. I think that a woman will always ‘need’ a father in her life.

One of the precepts of this “inner child” philosophy is that our parent-child relationships have to be strong before we can have an adult relationship. It would say that IF your WS had a poor, or non-existent, relationship with her dad and she had not moved passed that hurt when you were married, YOU would be “placed” in that role – especially given the caretaker nature of your personality. Essentially improperly “fixing” that part of her – the parent-child – and then she would be able to “look” for the wife-husband, and voila, OM.

Sounds like she has some father-daughter issues to work out.
Does THAT sound like the two of you?

YES! My W never knew her F and I do believe I assumed many roles characterstic of a F in her life. I remember once she joked and said "FM it's raining make it stop" I know that she didn't mean that literally, but that's how I felt the dynamics of our R worked. It was my JOB to make it stop raining. I'm definetly going to do much delving into the concepts that you've suggested to find some clarity on what's happening. Unfortunately, my W's fog/mental state probably won't make her very receptive of this information presently, but I will share it with her as I learn more. My W and I pretty much shaped our views of M and R's, seeing as we grew up together and if those roles were defined by us I'm pretty sure many of them could use adjusting. We adapted to one another and thus defined in ourselves what being a W meant or being a H meant. My W has told her closest friend that OM is not worth losing her M over. I see this as a signal that she still needs part of me, but seeks some of that freeness from dad/H that I restrain her with, UNINTENTIONALLY I might add. I don't want to be her dad, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> or do I? WoW! I may have conditioned myself in that role and subconsciously need it to define myself to maintain my own comfort level in our R. This is sticky business. HOW FAR DOES THE BUNNY HOLE GO?

I see why a tape might not be enough! There's too many questions and answers for a tape or book wont address directly to my sitch.

Thanks for responding NC! This is eye-opening to say the least!

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

FM,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES! Guilty as charged. (folds arms, but what am I supposed to do if I know she's making a mistake just let her make it?)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">About half the time I STILL try and solve my wife's problems when she talks to me. The other half I ask if she needs a friend or husband.

I simply ask.

If she says friend (and she knows this to mean she does not want help, just wants to vent) then YES, you let her make the mistake.

Are you afraid she'll break?

(I mean, if she was going to plug a bare wire in a socket, I would stop her. You know. Harm or damage to herself, or kids).

You get the picture.

Wish I had a magic wand that would cure this. I would wave it over myself then send it to you. Time and effort man.

Be good,

NCW

BS, Steady Eddie, Loyal H, etc. Yep, that's me for the past years.

But I consider my M in recovery. I really do, even though FWW still working w/ OM.

Be glad to help if I can. I just can't post everyday.

S&C

Put me on your list. I am hve been married for 28 years and never cheated on my wife. I'm hurting so badly today I could use all the support I can get. Do women value a man that goes to work every day, brings home a paycheck, provides a stable enevironment and fathers the children? My wife certainly did not. She has admitted cheating 3 times. The last with her high school boyfriend. Thsi A is going to lead to divorce. I am almost sure. I am so uncertain bout my future. I want a woman to love and cherish and who will do the same for me. So count me in as a loyal husband.

Another Minnesota guy here...

I haven't posted a ton but I lurk here quite a bit. Most of the problems I have have already been asked and answered so I just read.

Most people would probably call me a "Steady Eddie". Well, most people except for my wife. Most of the time she "needed" me, I was too busy helping other people. Definitely a major LB.

Steadfast - What a wonderful story of recovery! It brought tears to my eyes. Thankyou for taking the time to post to these men here and give them some hope.