What's up fella's,

This bites for all of us. Except of course those of us that are in recovery. Please beware, I know all too well how WS can turn on a dime.

I still haven't heard from WS. Her cousin called me today. They had a long talk tue. night. This cousin feels the way I do, and she laid into WS.

It seems though that WS has already made a plan to marry Om and get pregnant, as soon as his divorce is final, WS is willing to wait a year for that.

Her cousin begged her to think about the 17 years and all that she was throwing away, on a chance that she could have a wonderful future with OM. WS cried. WS said that she loved me, but not that way anymore.

Cousin told her that I still loved her and still had hope that we would be together again. WS said that she might have to talk to me again to explain that she's not coming back and that I should move on and find happiness.

WS says our relationship was over long before the A happened. Even her cousin doesn't see that, and we're all very close.

Her cousin told her that she'd better make damn sure she was making the right choice, because I'm a great guy and someone is going to snatch me up, and then when WS wants me back it'll be too late. No comment from WS.

Haven't heard from her since. I hope maybe she is thinking very hard, but I fear she has made up her mind. I'm losing hope fast...

Joe

Affair partners have only a 10% chance of getting married. And when they do, they have a 75% divorce rate. So the odds are in favor of the marriage.

However, it can get really lonely and depressing. So hang in there.

Swimming....

I think others have written to you about this, but I cant help myself.

No matter what else, if you and she are married, leagaly the child will be assumed yours. (no matter your physical reproductive state) If HE wants contact/paternal rights, HE has to prove it. ie: he has to pay for the DNA test. (Here's what keeps the OM in my life at bay) If DNA proves in his favor, HE pays child support!

Joe, I'm right there with you. The sparrow's family and friends have all backed away. She has told them there is no way she's coming back, they all say okay then, and that's that. I'm left swinging.

I'm starting to be a little angry. I gave her the last ten years of my life, and just like that, she doesn't have the decency to so much as give me a phone call to see how I'm doing. It's an outrage. What does she think, she's doing me a favor by Bing me like this? I'm not happy right now, not at all. If the next time I see her is in our case management conference for our D, I just don't know.

Sorry everybody, I'm a drag today. It's almost a month since I saw my WW, and she lives right here in my city.

GC

I'm with you GC, I haven't heard from or seen WS in 3 weeks. I gave her the last 17 years of my life, 2 wonderful months of recovery, now not even a phone call. She's NC'ing me. I feel like smashing things...

After reading all the marriages that don't appear to have the ability to rebound, I must take a better attitude towards my own situation. At least my FWW has stayed home and we are slowly rebuilding, although disconnected at so many times.

I am sorry for all you people that can't convince your spouse to come home where they belong. Maybe it was by the grace of God that mine didn't leave after she put down a deposit on an apartment.

This has not been easy.

Dear Loyal Husbands,

I have been trying to come up with something useful for you ... and as I begin this post, I recognize I have not got a clear idea of what I am going to say before I say it (not good... this means I am likely to ramble... but take this as me thinking out loud, OK?)

I was trying to think back on what attracted me back to Mr. Pep ... what he did specifically that lowered my drawbridge and allowed him entrance back into MY castle ~LOL~

First, he was relentless. He told me he was not going to give up until he was DEAD ... he was going to try and win back my love and trust. He set no time limit. (this was, I believe, on advice from MC .... keep in mind, Mr. Pep was the WH and I was the BW so there will be differences) He was relentless when he persued me the first time, and he became relentless after the affair too.

Second, he was willing to fix the most broken thing about himself. His alcoholism. He began AA right after D-Day and has maintained this standard of integrity for himself ever since.

Third, he gave me safe space to still be angry. I did not need to hurt in silence around him.

Forth, he kisses like a soft-tongued snake. He kissed me all the time. I highly recommend lots of kissing if it is allowed in your particular situations.

Fifth, he cooked for me. Not great, but not too bad.

oops .. gotta run... bye

Back later

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I find myself wandering into your thread, invading your space. I had to give my 2 cents worth. That is what women do best.

The underlying feeling I get from these posts is this: My WW says its over, so it must be true. BUT - I have to remind you, they all say that. They will keep saying it over and over. It is the only way to try to justify their actions, force people to "accept" their adulterous realtionship, and hope that you will "move on" so they can say "see - he moved on. It isn't all my fault anymore".
Guys - my WH said all this same stuff. It was over, for sure. We never should have gotten married in the first place, his realtionship with OW made him realize what life could really be like, he was never coming back, our M had been over for years but he onlys stayed "for the kids". You name it. Everyone he talked to he said "it is over. I will not even consider coming back".
Eventaully, I filed. We are divorced.
Guess what - he wants to come back. He says he is sorry for all the awful things he said - he says he was an idiot - he says he should have listend to all his friends. Last night he said that he and OW had promised each other that no matter what, they would make the relationship work, just to prove to everyone that they could do it. They only lived together 6 months. I think they were together a total of 10 months.
WH/Ex and I have some good friends who are going through this right now. The WH swears that he is never coming back. That he is meant to be with OW. I keep telling the BW to try and wait it out. Becuase no matter what they are saying right now - the day will come, when they have regrets.
You may be saying "not my WW - she is the most stubborn person in the world. she would be too stubborn to come back".
Guys - NO ONE on earth is more stubborn than my EX - I too thought he was too stubborn to admit he made a mistake. That is why I filed. That is why we are divorced. That is why I am not ready to talk about letting him come back.
Hang in there guys. Beleive only 5% of what they say.

Pep,

You're saying a lot of the things I did when my WS first left the house, 10 days after D'day.

5 months later she came to me, she didn't move back in, but we spent every weekend and then some, together in what I thought was the start of recovery.

I did all the things I thought I should do;

Soft kisses, long hugs, cooking, romantic dinners, romantic weekend getaways, many hours holding each other and saying all those comforting things to each other, lots of lovemaking, I quit drinking like I used to, spent a lot of quality time, etc...

8 weeks of pure joy for me, and then BAM! On a thursday morning she called it off again. Without ever mentioning a thing to me, she contacted OM and told him she couldn't do this anymore, she had to be with him.

He's got some kind of hold on her, I'll say. But I can't believe that all the things she said to me was just an act. She told me that she missed me and slept with my picture by her bed (that was on the first night we got together, after about 2 weeks of me not calling her at all). She told me how sorry she was, how much she loved me, how we were rediscovering our love and she thought it was wonderful. Evrything I thought I needed to hear. What happened?

She said she tried for 2 months to get the feelings back, but she couldn't get OM out of her mind. She said she loved me but was in love with him. I let her go 3 weeks ago, haven't heard from her since. I did get some feedback from family members(in my other posts). They all say just leave her alone for now. Do not call her. I don't know what to do, I want to call her so badly and tell her I love her, but it would only fall on deaf ears.

She's already talking of moving away to be with OM. To wait out his divorce so that they can get married and she can get pregnant. We've been together 17 years, she just started mentioning children last year. I'm ready, why does she think her chances with OM are better? I suppose she really is in love with him. I am losing hope fast. NEED HELP!!!

New as of today....wished I had found it months ago. I have been using other sources but found this site a couple of days ago. This is incredible.

BTW I am BH with WW.
Details will be posted later

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: IamOKnow ]</small>

OKnow, welcome. Start yourself a thread. I'm so sorry you're here, but someday you're likely to be glad for it.

Joe - my WW and yours are plugged into the same program on the mothership. Mine has told her friends she and I "don't feel the same way about having children" and has written OM schoolgirlish letters about wanting to have his babies. Last time we talked about I told her I wanted to start planning a family. For 10 years, nothing but uncertainty from her about whether she wanted kids. Now she'd say her uncertainty wasn't about having children, it was about having children WITH ME.

She stayed home for a month after d-day, and for the first few weeks she talked about starting to feel happy again, like she was getting her life back. We made love and had wonderful talks about healing, about fixing my flaws and hers. She told everybody how wonderful I was. Then gank! She was gone.

Her explanation: me saying I wasn't ready to leave a party when she said she wanted to go. That was the revealing moment that told her it wasnt' going to work for us.

She couldn't kick. OM contacted her and she was gone. She's an addict, and she's living in the crackhouse now.

GC

GC

Are you sure our WS's aren't sisters? I heard all the same crap, with parties and staying out when she didn't want to. Blah, blah,blah...

As far as babies, she believes that I don't want children because I used to say that when I wasn't ready for them. I have my reasons why, but it's a long life story. I am now ready, and actually anxious. You don't realize how much you want something until that something is taken away.

Same thing too, she loved me like never before when she came back, and then off again as quick as she returned, without warning. I love you... Oh yeah, I'm leaving you....

It's crazy. I'm trying to find some humor in it all. hahaha

Joe, it didn't matter what I did, and it probably didn't matter what you did.

I couldn't be perfect all day, every day. I was POJAing and avoiding LBs and letting her mope without being hassled and taking care of everything at the house until I was blue in the face. Then when she left on Mem. Day she said that my not wanting to leave that party was "very telling".

I'm starting to not like her. She's spoiled, demanding, selfish, materialistic, and immature, and she's breaking up two families, aggressively working to break up the parents of an UNBORN child.

It's like weaver said earlier today, why would I want to live with a person like this? Of course, the answer is that I believe her damaged soul is in there somewhere, and I pray she decides to stop destroying it.

But sadly, when her day of redemption comes, I probably won't be there to pick up the pieces any more.

GC

GC, I know you're dealing with the Sparrow's foginess so I hope it's not inappropriate to say that I knew you'd be cute as well as smart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jenny

GC,

I'm going out to dinner. I'm starting to get angry myself. Do I want to be with someone who continually treats me like this. But I keep telling myself it's the fog. 17 years were wonderful. I don't know who she is right now. I don't know if she'll ever figure it out. I don't know if I'll be here when she does. This is all starting to seem crazy and pathetic to me. If someone tells you that they don't love you anymore, and they continue to hurt you, why do we keep trying? I'm losing it tonight...

Joe

Guys - Don't lose it yet. Most WS's do come back to the marriage. I have been going through this for 18 or 19 months. My WH still tells me he loves me. So sad. I'm feeling good and pretty much done with him.

Jenny - thank you. I've been feeling like hell this week, venting at new WS, having nightmares, blah blah blah, and you gave me a smile.

Joe, we swallow these buckets of you-know-what because we are strong like bull. We know what marriage is about and we are fighting to keep insanity from destroying it.

Believer, thanks. It's been another evil week here it seems. One BS in jail, another filing, another trying to kill himself in his car, another doing one desperate suicidal post and vanishing, another locking her keys in her car, another fleeing a hurricane, Tom Joad MIA, bah! And I've forgotten some.

car4love is sad sad sad. OM is ruder to her every day at the daughter exchange, and she just smiles and says hello and how ya doin'. She's still nervous about posting because she'd have to take down a firewall that makes her feel secure using her computer. I wonder if any of the lady BS, or anybody else for that matter, wouldn't mind emailing her. I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

I'm fall@mindspring.com. Contact me if you want to volunteer, and I'll give you her email. She knows most of the MB jargon I think. She's read everything, just doesn't post.

GC

yeah, that's always been me, strong like bull.
We can take anything this world can dish out.

I have seen my share of hard times, wish I was fast enough at writing to share. I can do this. And all thanks to you guys at MB. As we say in Italian... SALUTE!

I don't know how to spell it with the accent. You guys know what I mean.

Oh s**t, One more thing. I have an extra ticket to a Yankee game on Sept. 5, asked the 20 year old bartender tonight if she wanted to go. She said yes, what the heck do I do now?

Oh, Joe, no dates. Dude, you can't go.

GC