Tom - how many "friends" to you know that both sold their houses and moved to the same state?

In my loooonnnnnggggggg life, I don't remember any. I know of family members that did something like that, but no "friends".

Hello all. I am not much help to anyone today.

Beliver asked about an update on the OM. He is still a loser living with his mom and sister. He works at the gym my WW does, now only as a contract employee teaching class'. My WW is taking one of his class' starting this week for another training certification for herself.

At the MC Saturday, we talked about seperation. We talked about a volenteer seperation. Not a document that turns into a divorce, just a written agreement to live seperate lives for at least three months. We are to meet at least once a week without the kids to talk about our feelings. After three months (or anytime all three agree to it) we have a meeting and decide to do one of three things:
1) File for legal seperation
2) Work on the marriage as a couple (i.e. NC no more A all that stuff)
3) We float along for antoher month

That can go on for no more than 6 months.

She does not want the legal seperation or a divorce.

So now, we have been talking about who should move out. Initially we thought is should be her. Now we are talking about me moving out. HOLD OFF on the 2x4's for a second. I think that if she moved out the following would happen:

1) We would go broke. We are getting by now, and if we had to support another residence, we will go under. That will happen if we seperate legally, but if I can hold off on the debt, I would like too.
2) She would be so consumed with her new life and that I would be completely out of her mind. I think if she keeps busy, she will learn how to get by without me.
3) I will be at the house. Alone. With alot of memories. That will be hard for me. She would have to come over and watch the kids each day while I work. I am not sure I would want her here that much with me living here.

If I leave the following happens:
1) We do not go broke. I mentioned I could live with my folks before, and I know that could work for a couple of months. THey have a big house and are not around much.
2) WW would be here with all the memories. Living in our house would bother me, so I can only think it may bother her.
3) The only change in her life would be my abscence. When I was in the Navy, seperation from a spouse was hard for both parties, but they always told me that it was harder for the one who is at home, becasue the only difference in there life is that you are gone.

The only two rules I would want if I left would be that the OM could never come over. I would trust her. And that she would have to be home by 10:00pm on the nights she works that I would be here watching the kids. I would be here nightly to watch the kids until she came home form work.

The bad side of me leaving is that she still gets everything (the A and the house). But if she gets her own place, the A will flurish. Would you rather meet at your lovers mom's house or your new place that somone else pays for?

She did mention to me that she would consider getting an apartment near me if I had to take the transfer job. That through me for a loop. It is still an open issue, and may not be true.

Let's hear your comments. BTW, got a record low of 2.5 hours sleep last night.

Ooohhhh. I wouldn't move out. She will undoubtedly sneak OM over to your house. They all do. Then you have all of that crap to go thru.

I would sit down pleasantly and tell her that once folks separate, the chances for the marriage diminish. So if she wants to live apart, time for her to find a place, and get a full-time job. She will need to get one that corresponds to your schedule, so she can still watch the children.

I would also have her ask OM to pay child support. That way she may find out that he is not as adorable as she thinks.

Beliver, I am concerned about the OM coming over.

I wonder if she leaves, will the ability to have a full time relationship with the OM end the A? Maybe she will learn what kind of a man he is.....

Why would the OM pay child support for my kids? I do not understand that comment.

I am still on the fence. I am trying to weigh the odds for my success. I guess what I do has no effect on ending the A. It is up to the WW or the OM to end it. If I am a jerk, I will loose out. Maybe that is what I should do.

The WW told me today she does not want to be around me. She said, one of has to leave.

I will check back later. I am at my sisters house with the 2 kids and most of my family. The WW is at the gym, than who knows what. I wonder if she will call?? I must not call her.

See Ya.

I am so goofed up.

canthishelp -

Sorry I misread your sig. line. I thought you said WW had OC - other child. What did it really mean?

Not sure if my sig line is formatted correctly. She was preg with the OM baby (DNA confirmed it), but had a mis-carriage on 8/13. I had thought the A was on hold, but it was more lies.

I am so sick of her right now. I was at my sisters last night. She was at her friend house and the OM called her to talk (read: booty call). She called me and told me she was going over to his house.

I went to sleep around 9:00pm (three cheers for Excedrin PM/Prozac!). I did not hear her come in. Our DD woke up at 11:30, we both got up to deal with it. The DD was awake for about 1/2 hour. I did not wake up until 6:00am.

She is throwing away our family. She is destroying our family. I am so mad at her. I do not think I care how broke we go, she has got to leave. Soon.

She called me at work. She wanted to have a normal chat. I was quite mono-sylabic. After a couple of 30 second pauses I asked her if she had anything to tell me. She said no.

I told her I could not talk to her, that I was incredably mad at her for throwing away our family. I told her I hope the OM is worth it, I hope the OM is significanlty better than me, because you are destroying something that is beautifal. I told her since she was destroying our family, I had to do what I could to save it.

I think she feels bad, but just doesn't care. She asked what name I was calling her, I told her princess, because she lies. The devil is the prince of lies, she is his princess. I told her I call the OM the prince. No offense to the musical genius formally known as prince.

This roller coaster has got stop and let me off. I go from hating her to wanting her to plotting the OM demise to mindless depression to my kids love to my potential new life to my new job to having to move to having to sell our house to not being able to afford day care for the kids so I can pay for my WW apartment to playing X-Box to hating her.

I guess its Monday.

canthishelp -

Okay now I understand. I missed the miscarriage.
Sorry she had to go through that.

So are you taking care of the kids while she goes over to OM's house? If so, that needs to stop.

Does your wife work outside of the home?

Also have you done a good Plan A?

Beliver: How do I stop taking care of the kids? If we do something seperate because she doesn't want to be around me, and then doesn't come home, what should I do with them? Drive to the OM house and drop them off? That sounds like a good idea. I may try that...

I would love some suggestions on how to make her take care of the kids more.

The WW does work outside the home. Her hours are from 5:15pm to 9:00pm on M and W and from 6:00pm to 9:00pm on T and Thursday. She could get home around 9:30pm if she tried, usually it is around 9:45 or she just goes to the OM house until anywhere from 10:30pm till 6:45 am the next morning.

I am not sure if I am doing a good plan A. Telling her she is destroying the family is most likely a LB. I have stopped calling her to check in on her. I am not a weak puddle around her (too much). I am starting to show her some anger. I do tell her that I do not want a Divorce that my family is the most important thing to me and that she is a big part of that.

I wish she would just leave and go to him for support. I want to see how this guy will handle taking on a women with 3 year old twins, a 4 year old 85 pound english bulldog that stinks, a mutt cat that will only drink water from the tub facet and a 55 gallon fish tank.

If she moves out, shouldn't I make her take the dog, fish and cat with her? She wanted the dog, I was neutral, but have expressed disgust over it for years and have told her I do not want it. I told her flat out I did not want the fish and she got them anyways. As for the cat, I like cats, so I would not push that. I am tempted to tell her that if she doesn't take the dog, I am giving it away.

I'm thinking - maybe you should move out. Right now your wife can just not show up at night and voila, you have the kids.

It might be better for you to leave. However, I can tell you that OM will be in your home. Can you take that? But it might be nice for him to get a taste of the smelly dog, and 2 3 year olds. Right now, he doesn't have a clue.

Maybe more people will chime in with ideas.

That is part of my thinking too.

I posted earlier about that, and was on the fence. I keep going back and forth. Where oh where is my spine? Has anyone seen it? It is a little chewed up and needs some TLC.

Oh well.

CTH,

You need to go to a lawyer RIGHT NOW. You cannot just leave or you will likely lose any chance of custody for "abandonment". You need to get a lawyers advice, if your state allows it you need to get a separation agreement in place before you do anything.

Next, you need to sit down and really look at this. I fully understand why your W is doing what she is doing. She gets to do what she wants and there ARE NO CONSEQUENCES. You stays over night with OM, no problem right? She sees him when she wants, she gets pregnant by him, she will bring him over to the house if she has not already, and what has happened??? NOTHING, her faithful baby sitter is there to take care of the kids and pay the bills.

Don't I make this sound awful, well it is. You need to get a plan of action and execute it. I strongly recommend you call the Harley's. They can help you. From my standpoint you don't have a family to save. You simply have another dependent that enjoys being independent. She will not change, and she will NOT respect you unless something changes. YOU NEED A PLAN.

You continue to rely on her "good graces and intertions" when all data shows she has NO GOOD GRACES AND HER INTENTIONS ARE TO BE WITH THIS OTHER GUY. Time for plan B,but it must be done AFTER consulting a lawyer and I mean a good lawyer.

You have no marriage to save. You have no family to save, if you include your W in that definition. What you need to realize is that for this to work, it must be started over. You have plan A'd, you stood with her through her pregnancy and its ending, you continue to live with her. There is little else you need to prove.

Call the Harley's and go to a lawyer. You need information and you need a plan, those two resources can give you what you need right now.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Listen to JL, he is an expert. He will give you much better advice than I can.

The telltale sign, CTH, was when you said you trusted her not to bring OM over to the house if she lives there and you move out.

Are you out of your freakin' mind? Of course she'll bring him over there!

GC

JL, I appreciate your advice and it sounds real good. I will tell you that the document the MC has us looking at specifically states that our volentary seperation would prevent any one from sueing for abandonment and that the divison of assets is in no way implied by what we are doing. I feel good that I am covered.

I think that seperation at any level is what needs to happen. I ended the day last night not caring how much debt we went into then I started thinking about the debt.... Now my head is just spinning.

I do need a plan.

I am going to tell the WW that she should move out.

I am going to do the finances over the next few days. I need to figure out what I can do to support two households. If the WW asks, I will tell her what I am doing. Otherwise, I will say nothing.

At our MC on Friday, I am going to push for the legal seperation rather than the volentary. She needs to feel the pinch.

I am just so ticked off.

cth:

Does your MC subscribe 2 MB methods? Could you make this separation a plan B? (works better if they're not on board, but you will need 2 coach with Penny or one of the Harleys).

I'd help her move her stuff, including that damned dog and the fish, 2 THE OM's HOUSE. She could save money if she goes there, instead of renting an apartment. In any case, you should separate your finances. If she goes, she pays her own way. Get an intermediary lined up and GO DARK on her after she leaves, but be sure 2 give her a well-written plan B letter befoer you do.

Gadzooks, I just recommended plan B! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

-ol' 2long

Our MC does like the MB prinicpals, he thinks I need to plan A longer. He figures that I have only been doing it for a month or so. It has not stopped the A, and I am killing myself slowly.

GC, I know I am a fool to trust her. But I am a fool in love.

2long, you said that it works better if they are not on board for a plan B. If who is not, the WW or the MC? We would not be able to go to see our MC if I am in plan B. I have to say I think she needs a plan B.

I do not want her to move in with him, because I do not want the kids to see her and him as a unit. I bet they have already, but I can still hope.

Any way, my POM (plan of the moment) is to get her out of the house ASAP. Bank account be damned.

canthishelp,
2long, you said that it works better if they are not on board for a plan B.
It works better if the ws is not onboard.
It's simple. If the ws does not end the affair, the bs goes to Plan B. This is not an "ultimatum" or something which is negoatiated. The ws should not know you are going to do it until you do it.

I have to say I think she needs a plan B.
Plan B is NOT for the ws.It is for the bs.

because I do not want the kids to see her and him as a unit.
Then do everything you can to prevent this from happening.

Chris, I said I think she needs a plan be, meaning that she needs it as a dose of reality. A way to show her what she has done. I need it for my sanity.

How long should I try the plan A while the affair is going on? Can I continue to do it if we seperate?

To answer a question blatantly directed at Chris...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long should I try the plan A while the affair is going on? Can I continue to do it if we seperate?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A is a "negotiation" to end the affair. It may or may not work. You should plan A until either (a) you can no longer control LBs or (b)you feel your love for your WS begin to diminish to the point where recovery is put at risk.

You can do it while separated, but it is more difficult, b/c your interactions will be less frequent.

If you are doing it for "your sanity", then (personal opinion) the separation would be a good time for it.....

Ethan

cth,

Can I continue to do it if we seperate?

That's what I did in my situation. My H had moved out before I knew about the A. After I read everything I could read on here, I started plan A'ing him for about 3 months whenever I'd speak to him or see him. He took notice of the changes I had made w/in myself & liked what he saw.

I tried to plan B after this when the A still hadn't ended, but it only lasted a week. After I had broken NC with him, I started plan A'ing again. He moved home 1 month later.

So, answer, yes, it's possible. As far as the kids are concerned, I made it known in no uncertain terms that I did not want my children around the OW. He abided by that, except for one time when he stopped by her house after he had picked them up after school the one day. I was furious & he knew it. He didn't take them around her after that. Or so my kids tell me.

How long should I try the plan A while the affair is going on?

This is all up to how long YOU can do it. I'm unsure how long it is for the average man. Maybe someone else could come along who knows that.