OT: I wish I knew how to pull quotes into posts.

I thank you for the answers regarding plan A. I just spoke to my wife and I may be nothing but a LB fountain at this point. No yelling, but lots of "How can you do this?" "Why can't we even try?" "I saw you kissing the OM and you knew I was in the same room" "If you leave, we are gonna go so broke" None of which helped much. I also told her that I still love her and want to be married till her till I die.

My favorite is how she said she would recommend me to any woman she knows. My reply was "Except you". No response.

Well, my sanity is going. And the LB are brimming, so she is going to leave. I am gonna figure out how to pay for this mess tonight.

Our MC thinks I should keep up a plan A for a while yet. He wants us to meet weekly during our seperation to talk. I hope I can do it.

cth,

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain you're feeling right now so I'm giving you an extra special hug {{{{{canthishelp}}}}}. Just remember, that even though you two will be separated, that does not mean the end. I know, it's going to feel like it. And when you have those moments of feeling like you can never get through it, post here often & cry out to God. He'll help you through it.

Lots of love coming your way,
Yvette

cth:

""If you leave, we are gonna go so broke""

noooooooo.....

SHE's going 2 go so broke. Separate your finances so your family doesn't take a hit when she spends HER money/time with Phlegm Bag (oops, DJ!)

...either that, or she stays and is held accountable for her time.

-ol' 2long

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Well, she is not staying. So the fun now begins. I love the fact that her mother, brother and father have more or less dis-owned her for her actions. They are not foggy.

She told them what she was doing (moving out) and they all came to me and said I should not give her any money, that they are not going to help her move and that they don't even want to know where she is going to live. I know that the mother will want to know, but the father and brother will most likely not talk to her for quite a while.

We did the math last night and came up about $484/month in the hole with the current finances.

She needs to start making more money. Her only working 16 hours a week is not going to cut it any longer.

She always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I have told her I could still give that to her.

I hope she gets out soon. Knowing she is with that guy while still sleeping in our house is really starting to p/ss me off.

Thanks for all your help.

canthishelp -

Well, I guess she will have to start working fulltime. Let her feel the consequences of her choices.

It is good that her family is not in the fog. My WH's family just "want him to be happy", and OW even goes to family parties.

How are you feeling today?

Beliver,
Thanks for asking. I am mostly numb. I confronted her about kissing the OM with me in the 'beer tent'. It was a bluff, I did not actually see them. She just looked sad. Did not deny it either. I just want to start moving on.

I cannot believe how little sleep I get. Maybe I should take my Anti-D in the am rather than the pm. Anybody got any help in that regard? I am gonna call my Dr today.

I have a job interview at 1:00pm today so that I do not have to move out of state. Since the WW has told me she is not coming, and I do not want anything other than joint custody, I need to find work in this area.

That is giving me a little hope.

My whole body feels like the skin is too tight. My stomach is in knots. And I cannot stop bouncing my legs or my hands from shaking a little.

Is it still Monday?

canthishelp -

Try taking the anti-D's in the morning. I use to have the same problem. Also exercise helps. My doctor recommended over the counter benedryl at night to help with sleep.

Right now you need to take good care of yourself. You are going thru a lot of stress and trauma. Be good to yourself.

I am gonna ask about taking them in the AM.

I have been taking OTC Excedrin PM to try to help me sleep. It has the same thing and Benadryl.

Thanks again. I whish I had time to excersice. I do not like doing it at night after the kids go to bed, but I do not have much choice.

Well - just take care of yourself, take good care. You have lots going on - 2 3year olds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> a new job, an alien abducted wife. Just remember that there are better days ahead, and you WILL get there.

Hey guys, any news?

I filed for the big D. That was 10 days ago. Yesterday I came home to a note from my WH - he is sending for a pamphlet on marriage counseling.
This is after he has been living with OW for a year. Ooops. I guess he is just starting to figure out that something is wrong in our marriage.

This thread was fast disappearing so I thought I’d revive it with a rambling update on my situation.

I’ve been in a strong plan B for over a month now. I had both kids for all of August to coincide with my month of vacation. What a lot of work, but so rewarding. We spent the last week and a half out of town arriving home on the 30th. WW is supposed to get the kids on the 31st at about 5:30 PM. She left a message via my buddy that she wants them by 12:00. Well I balked. I just spent a month with them and was dreading seeing them go. During that month I allowed WW to see them when she requested and wasn’t sailing off the west coast with her OM, and I merely wanted to extend my time with them until obligated to relinquish my parental role.

I E-mailed my friend to decline her request, but apparently he did not receive that response in time to contact her. At 12:00 I was with the children visiting my mom. WW calls my cell. I give the cell to my son as I always do to allow them communicate whenever she pleases. She starts to work my son telling him to come there as she is waiting on my steps. He in turn wants me to go home. I decline her invitation presented via my son and take the kids to an amusement park. WW keeps calling the cell. I do not answer and delete her messages without listening as per usual. They are dropped off at 5:00 without any face to face contact with WW.

I see my friend at work the next day. He describes an E-mail he received from WW in which she expresses her frustration with our system of communication and, according to my friend, takes on an adversarial tone alluding to contacting her lawyer with her concerns. He further observes that it is interesting to see her attitude change over the last month from a fairly nonchalant acceptance of the Plan B to a rather frustrated intolerance of it. My interpretation is she feels I am not living up to the “liberal access” portion of our separation agreement or the “free access” clause. Well, those are both fairly ambiguous and do not, in my opinion, valid complaints. This was the first instance when I have declined her request to see the children during my scheduled time. I feel fairly confident I am living up to the spirit of the agreement as well as my contractual obligations.

I also get a call from my MIL last night as I do every night. She has been a tremendous amount of support throughout this ordeal and has a wealth of experience under her belt. She was betrayed by WW’s father nearly 40 years ago. He ended up marrying the OW, had two daughters with her and then was betrayed by her and left to raise those two daughters. MIL also had an A with a married man after her D and recalls her feelings for him at the time and the disgust she felt for him and herself afterwards. She has since become a devout Christian and leads a pious life which even has prompted her and her present husband to spend time in a 3rd world country as a missionary for a year. Oh yeah, back to the phone call. She states that she just got off the phone with WW and told her in very clear terms what she thinks of what WW is doing. She apparently did not hold back reminding her daughter that she and OM are both adulterers and she needs to get back to her family where she belongs. She said that she hopes WW is as caring to say these things if our daughter ever messes up so badly. WW maintains that all is above board and tells MIL that she will divorce me.

So here I am. I know my rational for not letting WW get the children 5 hours earlier was somewhat selfish and less than pure, but it is not a chronic condition on my part. I do try to accommodate her requests regarding the children, but I do reserve the right to be selfish on occasion. I think she has finally realized there is consequences to her actions and spews forth her venom when everyone doesn’t immediately seek to appease her.

I also have to make it clear that our children will not become messengers in this ungodly mess. I’m thinking of allowing WW the option of a text message, though my friend did explain to her that she could have picked up the phone to one of her many friends to relay a message to and from me.

Anyways, if you actually read this far, thanks. I just needed to put my experiences into words to try and make sense of this. I gotta go now and get an apple crisp out of the oven.

Hi Binder,

She obviously doesn't care for plan B. She's not in control. How dare you?!

Keep it up, man. You're so lucky to have MIL on your side.

What else can I say? I'm tired and confused as hell, trying to figure out if phoning my WW this Saturday will make her think I'm a cool guy that she wouldn't mind talking to now and then or if it will make her get a restraining order. Six of one...

GC

Thanks GC, MIL is about the only ally I have. Everyone else either distances themselves or accepts their relationship. One learns a lot about ones friends and family during a crisis as this.

I think you're doing very well in your mess. You seem to have a great rapport with car4love which can only help your situation. The OM has got to be wondering if he wants to be poor and a weekend dad for the foreseeable future. There's got to be some friction starting between them.

My vote is you keep sending the white doves. It's not like you're constantly haranguing her. It may make a dent eventually.

Hi friends,

I know full well the pain and loneliness of plan B. I've been in it for 2 weeks, but WS started it 4 weeks prior to that, so 6 weeks all in all. I can only hope it has it's benefits in the end. It does seperate us from the damage so to speak, but the loneliness and uncertainty are just as damaging.

Then there is the outta site outta mind part of it. You wonder if we're not just making it easier for the WS's to move on in their new life. But I can't help but hope that WS will begin to miss me, the way she missed OM when she decided to leave again. 2 months of NC and the beginnings of recovery (I thought) and she let withdrawal pull her back to him. I wonder if it could work to my benefit now? From all the feedback I'm getting from friends, it seems WS is content and moving on without me. I so badly want to contact her, but I resist for now.

On another note; I was telling some friends how wonderful the 2 months of false recovery was for me. The intimacy, the gifts, the companionship, the talk of future plans, etc. all the beautiful things I needed to hear and say to and from WS. It was great, and then she instantly changed her mind. We spent the weekend making love and 2 days later she was gone again. My friends (women in this case) told me that WS was being nice to me, intimate with me, out of guilt, and that this was her way of saying goodbye to me forever. Sort of a sympathy f*** I suppose. It's unbelievable for me to accept this theory, but what do you guys think. I was looking for the FWW's post, but couldn't find it. They could probably shed some light on this for me.

Anyway, at this point my plan B'ing doesn't seem to be bothering WS much. Seems she has made up her mind to be with OM and she's not looking back. There's even talk of their marriage once OM's divorce is final. Could this really be happening, or is it all fog talk, only time will tell. And it is this time that is tearing me apart. I'm so alone in this house, I'm driving myself nuts. Sure I keep busy, but as you all know, there isn't much meaning to anything without your special someone to share with.

I pray that she soon starts to miss me the way she missed OM when she had a brief NC of 2 months from him. I'll be reaching that 2 month mark soon, but I realize she will resist even harder when it comes to contacting me. It's that pride thing, she made a choice and will try to stick to it to prove she is doing the right thing. I am losing hope rapidly. I'll try to hang in there, just like you all. We're the ship of fools...

Binder -

I think you are doing the right thing. I have a friend who got divorced, and tries to accomodate his WW with visitation. She completely takes advantage of him. She DOESN'T pick up her son, or comes at midnight. What a nightmare.

Joe - I have learned that I can be happy doing things without my husband. In fact, I do more things I like now than when he was around. So hang in there, it does get much better.

This poor neglected thread...

You know how sometimes you go and see a movie and it's so absorbing that you walk out feeling kind of bleary-eyed and don't really care about anything for a while?

I love that right now. I wish I could see one every day. Just saw Collateral. Not entirely my cup of tea (many bullets and dead bodies), but nice and mind-altering...

Who else is having a different Labor Day weekend than they expected before all this began?

I should be at the cabin with my wife. Instead, the sparrow goes up there and sulks and naps until OM is in the area and she can go and stay with him at his mother's house. Poor MIL must be so disappointed.

Yyyyyyep.

GC

Yep graycloud, another holiday without our spouses. However, I don't miss mine anymore.

I hope everyone will enjoy the weekend the best they can.

Spent most of the weekend with friends, but today I'll most likely work around the house. There's lots I've been neglecting around here, mostly because I'm not sure whether I'll be able to keep the house or not. I think I can afford it, but it might be a stuggle.

WS's cousin called me yesterday, we're all very close. I didn't want to answer because I'm in plan B and want to stay dark, but something made me do it. She said she missed me and asked if I was still their friend. She said her husband doesn't want OM to ever come to their home, but I'm sure it will eventually happen. She siad that she asked WS if she had talked to me at all, WS said " I emailed him regarding the house but I think he's becoming angry so I'll back off a little". After recieving those emails about our house I sent plan B letter. I guess it had some effect because WS hasn't made contact with me since. Cousin told me that WS flew out to be with OM this weekend. OM was suppose to come here to possibly meet some of the family, it seems to me that WS is still a bit uncomfortable with that. She is getting support from her family, but I think some of them stated that they weren't too comfortable about meeting this jerk right now. I guess any kind of pressure like that is good for me, but it probably won't last.

Anyway, plan B seems a lot harder for me than plan A. I really miss WS. I want to call her so badly and fear I'm losing her more with every day. Then again, we all know how things in these situations can turn on a dime. Who knows, she might be missing me right now. She might be with OM and having second thoughts about her choices. Who knows...

I'm sorry that for right now the only way it seems I can help anyone else here to post my own story, I'm sure someday I'll be one of the vets around here (which ever way my story ends) and perhaps then I'll be more qualified to offer some sound advice, rather than just post my experiences. It's a learning process all the way, and I've only just begun...

Good luck to all of you, and enjoy the holiday!

Hi Joe,

I just started reading your story and wanted to say hang in there. It really does get so much easier.

It is going on fifth week since I sent a NC letter to my Ex, it wasn't a Plan B because I did not leave the door open for his return. I told him that we were through, period.

Well he called Friday night to ask me if I saw any hope in the future for us? I said I have no desire to be in a relationship with him, and he said he understood and asked if he could write to me, but wouldn't call again. I said okay.

It took me atleast 3 weeks of no contact before I stopped waiting for the phone to ring, and before I really started to feel good again. When he called I was just thinking how it might be nice to never see him again, and just move on.

I still feel that way, but know if does what he needs to do to become a decent human than I might fall for him again.

Well my point is Joe, it gets so much easier when you can stop thinking about them, worrying, obsessing, etc - and start to think of yourself and what you want from life, what kind of person you want to be, etc.

Gimble gave me some advice to spend my time invisioning how my life will look a year from now, and what kind of person I want to become. That meant a lot to me and gave me something to focus on.

Hi Joe,

Your situation and mine have a lot in common... I'm going to struggle to keep my house, but I very badly want to keep it. My in-laws are unhappy as well, but powerless.

I contacted WW this weekend for the first time in many weeks (I'm not in plan B, but she's been putting me in it), and her response was probably to create some new drama like bringing OM to meet her mother. Or she hasn't done anything yet but I'm about to find out what's next from her.

I haven't been very helpful on the forum lately either. I feel a little guilty about that, but I'm having a bit of a rough time right now. Focusing on my own M is about all I can manage at the moment.

So it's Labor Day and all I plan to do is bust my butt around the house. I'll rest next weekend, yeah.

GC