Tree, don't try to forgive him now. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Frankly I haven't forgiven my H yet. That doesn't mean I am treating him poorly. It doesn't mean I don't love him. It just means I haven't reached the forgiveness yet. And I'm not going to say something that I don't mean yet. Just like one of his top needs we found out is admiration, which the OW showered him with. I'm not ready to admire him yet, because I don't. So I will compliment him on how he looks, a shirt he is wearing, a good meal he grilled, etc.

I spoke to this priest several months ago about OW. I told him I didn't even want to forgive her. In fact, I border on hating her. This was his response. "CV, you shouldn't forgive her now. It's too soon. It would be like the fire dept. coming to a building after a fire, and cleaning everything up before they assessed the damage. You haven't even begun to assess the damage yet." I would say that might apply to you right now. You don't even know if your H is or isn't in the A. There will be time to forgive. Try, as hard as it is, to be that lighthouse now.

One more thing. I read your "Should you tell" post. I have mixed feelings on that one. I didn't tell. My H began the EA last April or May. During that time he emotionally Ded me and I was miserable. I didn't tell anyone because I knew they'd be really pissed, given my dad was dying and died last August. Then when I began finding out the truth in January I again chose to not tell. I can honestly say not telling cost me. I experienced a lonliness due to a lack of support that was really bad. Thank God for MB. Am I sorry? Sometimes. I feel like I have lied to my family in a way because this huge tragedy has occurred in my life and they look at H the same as usual. However, if I would have told I'm not sure we could have recovered. H's shame would have been so great. And I'm not sure all my family would be able to forgive him. I didn't want their attitudes to influence our recovery.

Now for the final "However." My H never left me and fired the "B". I made it very clear from day one if he left me for her the world would know. He could start by telling our teenage sons. I also told him that if he leaves, and doesn't go to her, I will still tell the world, because his A would be the reason our M failed. He knew I meant business. I wasn't "F"ing around. I was willing to protect him if he would try to recover, but I wasn't going to lie if our M failed. My way of handling this isn't right or wrong, just my way.

Hang in there Tree. I swear, it is possible to see your H's real eyes again, and not the blank, empty alien eyes. CV

Thank you! I have given it some thought about telling my famoly and right now I don't want to. I just can't yet!!!! I guess if the time is right and I feel that I ned to then I will tell them.

My H just left....barely even talked to me...he brought his neices over with him so of cource we couldn't talkk. AGAIN!!!! Everytime he comes over he brings them with him. I guess maybe it's his way of avoiding me. Not sure!!!! I am just so sick of this. I asked him yesterday when we were going to talk and he said he would rather talk on the phone. Why????? Is this so he doesn't see the pain he's caused???
I'm trying so hard and it just seems like my efforts go unnoticed!!!

Need some advice...
My H is looking like the GOOD guy by coming here everyday and taking my son out to do stuff and buying him this and that...on the other hand I'm the one who has to tell him to do homework, brush your teeth, take a shower, get ready for bed...ect. ect...
How is this fair? I'm looking like the bad guy..
My son gets frustrated and says.."why are you so mean?" I just feel like I'm the one that was hurt and now my H seems like this saint. This is driving me nuts!!!!!!! Anybody have any thoughts on this????

hi tree,

How ya doin'? From what I've read, not so good.

The advice I give does not come from the results of the A and the aftermath.

I have 2 children from a previous relationship. And every time my boys would see the "father" and come home, me and the H were the "bad guys" with everything. I just took from them. They were the ones hurting from not seeing their "father". Things would calm down after a little while ... but life had to keep going as "normal" as possible. Whether he's there or not ... your son still needs to do his homework, take a shower, go to bed , etc. Your "normal" routine with him has to stay intact. I hear your fear, maybe that your H gets to have all the fun and your getting all the responsibilty. Right now, yes! (But, he's been behaving "selfish" for some time now, hasn't he?).

You take the bitter with sweet. You have to make your own fun with your son. Tossing ball ... reading a book ... doing his homework with him ... making his favorite meal ... have ice sundaes for dinner ... get his favorite movies ... play his favorite board game ... do whatever makes him happy. But don't forget a child "needs" his parent to behave as parents too! Again, take the bitter with the sweet.

And it will also distract you from even thinking about your WH and make you stronger (in yourself and your relationship with your son).

Does this make any sense???

Brown