I feel like I have taken a huge step backwards today. I had been doing better emotionally, but today I can't stop crying and feel horrible. I went to dinner last night with WH's sister. I told her about the A but she already knew, WH told her. He has told everyone, I didn't expose to anyone. It's like he doesn't see anything wrong with it. I don't even know if he is still seeing OW but I suspect that he is. He is careful never to bring it up to me. He had to go to CA this weekend for work. Orginially he was only going to go Sunday through Tuesday but ended up leaving last night. Now I wonder if he went early to spend the weekend with her. I leave Tuesday to go out of town for work and then to see my sister. I probably won't see him for two more weeks at the next sonogram. I'm starting to show for the first time so he will be shocked when he sees me. He's nice enough when he talks to be but that's it.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I want to scream at him. How can he do this to me while I am carrying his child. I want to tell him he won't be there to see his first child born. How can he stand the thought of being a part time father. I want to tell him he will never live with his child, that he is going to miss everything. OW will never be allowed near my child. How can this be acceptable to a man who loves children and couldn't wait to be a father? It would be so much easier if I never had to see him again.

kloe -

Try not to think about him right now. He will probably be back when his fantasy blows up in his face. My WH takes OW to all of the family events. He sees nothing wrong with it. Well actually his family sees nothing wrong either. Sick.

Hope you can find some happiness during this time and not dwell on your foggy husband.

Hard not to think about WH whenever I feel the baby kicking. He use to be such a good person, someone everyone liked and looked up to. It's hard to see him so far from that. I don't know if he is ever going to find his way back.

kloe - Husbands (especially of pregnant women) usually come back. And the other good thing is that he is nice to you. So just hang in there.

Isn't it wonderful when you first feel the baby kicking?

Kloe, I know it is hard. I cannot even imagine the extra complication of being pregnant, but you should look into your heart and see if you can believe in the man your WH once was.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He use to be such a good person, someone everyone liked and looked up to. It's hard to see him so far from that. I don't know if he is ever going to find his way back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please know that MANY WS here are described as that. My FWH is an Eagle Scout, a Scout leader. In fact, OW's son was his patrol leader!!! I couldn't BELIEVE how far my H got away from his core belief system. And at times, many times, I doubted that he could EVER find his way back. It seemed too impossible, too far gone, too much damage done.

And then there was Believer there, picking my up off the side of the path I had fallen off of, my MB path, dusting me off, and giving me a gentle send-off in the right direction again. This is not a From Point A to Point B destination, Kloe. It is a process. You must pace yourself.

Keep reading. Have you read "NOT Just Friends?" I am currently rereading it, and WOW. So much of what we talk about here is in that book. It doesn't follow MB exactly, but very very close. What a comfort to know that your WH is doing what ALL WS do, what all FWS have done. Can you see the comfort in that? He cannot help himself right now. He is in his own process. And the things you do now for YOU can greatly influence how long this process takes.

But you can only control you, change you, educate you. So, get to it missy! Think of this as me and Believer picking you up and dusting you off and sending you on your way again. Have faith that your WH can come back to himself. Where he is at right now does not feel good to him. But he must find his own path.

Be his lighthouse, his safe place.

Take care of you and the baby.

SS

Thanks Believer and SS. I'm just having a bad day today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, I usually feel more at peace after church. I just got back from visiting another SIL and she doesn't think WH is still seeing OW but she doesn't know for sure. She did tell him it was wrong when he told her so who knows.

kloe -
Don't give up. Enjoy your pregnancy. Make your home the lighthouse. Spiderslayer has lots of experience in this. Although she was hopeless, she kept on keeping on. All of a sudden WHAM, her husband was pursuing her.

I'm trying, I guess one reason I'm so depressed today is I know I won't see him for at least another week and a half. He is out of town now and I leave the day he gets back. I'm going to make a batch of his favorite cookies and leave them here for him (he is staying at the house while I'm gone to watch the animals). We'll see.

kloe -

This is very good (that he is staying at the house). Get off the computer, and fix everything up perfect. HaHa, like I should talk. But really I post on MB, and then clean for awhile. I did the whole house today, even cleaning out the refrigerator. Now I am cooking spaghetti.

So now is your chance to rearrange, declutter, and change things. Put some flowers in a vase. Make your home an oasis. Men notice these things, the poor dears. My WH comes over and tells me that it looks like I am moving on without him.

Well Sunday was much, much better. I spent it with some family who were in town. My Aunt's even told me they are going to throw me a baby shower in October so that is something to look forward to.

I leave tomorrow for Seattle for work and from there I go to Las Vegas to visit my sister and won't be back until Sunday. I don't think I'll have internet access during this time, I may go through MB withdrawl!

Got to go, the cookies are ready to come out of the oven. Of course I will have to try one (or two or three) to make sure they taste good!

Have a good trip Kloe. I will be thinking about you. Hey some cookies sound good right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Take care!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Of course I will have to try one (or two or three) to make sure they taste good!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OF COURSE!!!

Hey, I am going to be in Las Vegas this coming weekend. Is this the one, or next weekend? I'll be there from Friday the 13th (ahhhhhhh!) to Monday 8/16.

What do you think of that, Kloe???

I'll be there from the 12th to the 15th. If you see a PG lady walking down the street with medium length, straight brown hair that could be me! However, I doubt I'll make it to the strip. I'll most likely be hanging out in my sister's pool with my two nieces. I just don't know how to explain to them where WH is. They just LOVE him, he is so good with kids. When I call they always want to talk to him more then me.

Your depressions may be partly chemical -- which, since you have a "real" reason to be depressed, you may not be able to see as readily. When overdue (as I was), post-partum depression can even come BEFORE the baby is born. Try to remember that you are going through the most intense internal drugs your body can manufacture. That's bound to make things more intense.

AMM - I know the pregnancy hormones were raging in the first trimester when D-day occurred. I look back at that time and it is all a blur. I really don't know how I got through it. Things have seemed to level off, but I do get these really bad days sometimes and I wonder how much of it is due to my situation and how much of it is the hormones. However, they do seem to be getting farther and farther apart right now.

Luckily I won't be going much past my due date one way or another. My doctor goes on vacation 12/22 so if I haven't gone into labor by 12/20 he will induce me. This is fine by me since the baby just keeps growing after the due date, but not the place where he/she comes out! My doctor knows all about my situation so he has already talked to me about the post partum depression and I've been reading up on it. We'll tackle that battle when we get to it. Thanks!

Kloe72- Sounds like we have a similar story. This is my first post and first full day after "Dday". I am very sorry for you and your baby to be in such a tough spot at what is to be such a magical time for us. I myself cannot see the forest through the trees right now. Any navigational advise?

Kloe, have a great trip. I'm thinking of you and hoping things get better.

GC

lonestar, welcome to MB. Get yourself a thread started.

GC

Dear Kloe:

I am very sorry to hear of your plight. Pain can be twice as hard in your condition. However, joy can be twice as good. Keep letting the pain go on this website and let others pray for you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Do all the wonderful things that make you feel great. Since church is such an encouragement to you, go and bask in it. Get away as much as you can.

Every morning get up and think of one thing that makes you smile. A dream of your sweet baby's face? The love a baby will have for a mom like you. The fact that you are not alone (you always have the Lord and now you have your baby too).

Children are always a blessing from the LORD so even in the midst of your turmoil God has sent you a bundle from His love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Also, praise God your WH is kind to you. My WH commited adultery and then was abusive to me through the whole pregnancy. My point is that he could be a WH and mean so it is nice that he is at least kind (although it doesn't take most of the pain away).

Oh by the way, you do not need to trust him for a long, long time