Well, WH comes home tomorrow afternoon and I just found out that he just found out from OW that her parents were told by a family member about the A. She is 22, he is 30. WH is LIVID!!! He is accusing me of not doing enough to prevent other people getting involved and is now threatening to not come home. He is saying that by letting other people know what is going on that I am ruining our chances and that he is just ready to say forget it. I am shaking so badly right now. He was just spouting venom as he spoke to me. Telling me to just be quiet and listen to him. That he WON'T do this and for me to stop trying to make it difficult because it is unfair to the kids. I don't see the reasoning in that as he is the one walking away from the marriage. I wanted so bad to just yell back at him and try to make him see what he was saying. But I didn't. I don't imagine that his homecoming is going to be very positive at this point. To be honest I am scared to death. I just don't know what to do now and can't stop the shaking or the tears. The only chance we have here is for him to come home and spend time with us. He's been deployed for the last year! I need him home to work on this.

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

You did the right thing. He is mad because his fantasy world has been exposed. He is still very much in the fog from your post. How can telling OW's parents about the affair have anything to do with him giving up on rebuilding the marriage? It just does not make sense.

You did NOT make a mistake. He is really mad because his secret isn't so secret anymore. He is embarassed and appalled by his own situation and taking his fear of the unknown (what will happen next) out on you.
I think it would be best to let it be known that you, the wife, did the revelation and not your mom. You have every right to reveal this info.

He may be mad but doesn't have a leg to stand on. Like the marriage was SO on the road to recovery without the revelation?! Doubt it was. Was it truly?!

Don't be surprised by your own emotions with regards to his response. You are human. Try to keep strategy on your side though.

Sweetie -

This is very good. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but your husband is going exactly by the WS handbook. They are all furious, threaten divorce, blame you, blah, blah, blah.

So hang in there and stick to your Plan A. When he goes crazy on you, just tell him that you love him, and want to save your marriage.

Thank you. I know his reasoning isn't sound, but in HIS head, in HIS fog, it is totally reasonable. Now he thinks he can't trust me and that there is no reason to even try. I am afraid that this will just make them feel like it's them against the world and screw everyone else. His hopes lie in making this easy on the kids and us being friendly about the whole thing. So now, if he can't be friendly about it, it's my fault for the OW's discomfort. I'm not even sure how she or her family responded to the situation when they talked about it. Huh. Maybe not so good since he's so upset. All I know is that at this moment I feel as if everything is hopeless and that my girls and little 7 mo. old baby are going to grow up without their dad. I feel as if I have somehow failed them. I know it's not rational, but I don't think I've felt this low in months. Sorry. I hate this. I pride myself on keeping away from self-pity. I just don't know what to do tomorrow now. PLAN A is going to be pretty difficult if he's not here or acknowledging my presence.

Has exposure ever backfired on anyone here?

Yep - exposure has backfired. It is not a perfect program. We had a lady named filly who told OW's H about the affair. OW followed her to K-Mart and beat her up with a pool stick. Caught her completely off guard, knocked out some teeth, and she had to have surgery twice.

However her WH immediately came back to the marriage.

I guess I'm lucky OW is a few states away <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yeah, you are lucky.

I felt very bad about the filly situation, because we all told her to expose the affair. No one expected a beating to occur. But her husband went back immediately and started posting here.

You will do just fine. You are fighting for your marriage, and all things are fair in love and war. I hope that OW's parents came down hard on her.

Thank you to everyone for their support. It's amazing how much the words of someone you have never met can help to ease your heart.

I'm sitting here thinking about how to handle tomorrow. He said he is going to call in the morning but seeing as he rarely keeps his word as to when he'll call I am not going to count on it. One idea I have is to try to appease him. That is my scared-to-death side. Just to say I am so sorry this happened and please try to get over it so we can work on things.

The other is to say "You know what, I am sorry you're feeling the way you are about her family knowing. I know it is not what you wanted but it happened. But while I am willing to understand your being upset, you MAY NOT take it out on me. If you want to be with us and be cordial, fine. If not, the kids and I are going to find a way to have a good time since we have been looking forward to this day for the last month. It's up to you."

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 01:54 AM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

Go with your second idea. And get some sleep.

I'm going to try and sleep here soon. I took a tranq. and am just waiting for it to kick in. I have a feeling though that I'll be up at 2 and 4 and 5 and up at 6. So much for the restful night before he comes home.

I am going with the second plan. I just hope that as he starts spewing his anger I am able to keep calm in the face of all this being "my fault". I really do want the kids to enjoy their fathers first night back.

The next day is my birthday and my first day back to work. I'm actually looking forward to getting away from here for a short time. I anticipate the evening with him will be pretty tense. I didn't think I would look forward to the end of my summer vacation....so I guess that's a small blessing.

Just remember that he is like an addict. Do not take anything he says personally. Tell him you will do whatever it takes to save your family.

Please try to get some rest.

Faith....I'm new here but I have been "deployed" many times. It's so very different being on the ship or with his comrades but all of us miss our W's/H's and our children. Believer is right. Try and get some sleep as tomorrow will arrive and there will no longer be a picture on a rack but eyes to look into.

I'll be praying for you and I wish you well during these trying times.

Finally feeling tired. Thank you again for the support this evening. It will help get me through this night. My prayer is that the anger within him subsides by tomorrow evening and that I can still reach him somehow in the next 7 weeks. That battle begins tomorrow though. I'm off to rest up for it. Sweet dreams and happy mornings for everyone:)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> .... All I know is that at this moment I feel as if everything is hopeless and that my girls and little 7 mo. old baby are going to grow up without their dad. I feel as if I have somehow failed them. I know it's not rational, but I don't think I've felt this low in months. Sorry. I hate this. I pride myself on keeping away from self-pity. I just don't know what to do tomorrow now. PLAN A is going to be pretty difficult if he's not here or acknowledging my presence. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Faith,

You did the right thing by exposing. Exposing always angers the WS and OW. You have burst their A bubble. Regardless of what her family does, you have done your part. Sounds like her family isn't in the A favor or your H would not be yelling at you.

As for your children, not having a dad, they already don't have a dad just like you don't have an H.

The lesson to learn is to pick and choose your times of stress wisely. Don't waste it on his frivolous reactions.

Do what you need t/d w/o regrets.

I can see by your subsequent posts, you are getting stronger. Good.

L.

Dear Faithinme,
it's true, you should consider your H an addict and the A is his drug. Telling OW's parents is like telling a social worker, for example, that he is on drugs. Now he's ashamed this has been exposed and he's afraid his drug will be taken away from him.
Of course he's angry. This is the drug talking. If he has any decency left this whole thing will backfire - on HIM, when he realises what he has done. So try to remain calm, not just because of Plan A, but not to make his burden of guilt even greater. That might seem like a distant thing to you now but many stories here are proof that it is very likely to happen if you don't LB.
(((Faithinme))), and HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Morning. Unfortunately I was not really able to sleep but I did doze off here and there thanks to the tranq. Most of the night was spent fading in and out of thoughts of what is going to happen in the next few days. I'm going to reread parts of SAA that I have highlighted, reread many of the inspirational posts I have found here in the week and get in touch with friends who will lift me up (once we get to a decent hour - it's 6:30 here). I know I will falter some today and in the coming weeks but faith and a PLAN A to give that faith a vehicle to work through are my hope.

I am going to continue to tell myself I did the right thing regardless of his reaction and focus on this A as an addiction. I like the reference to the exposure being like telling a social worker. Makes sense. If I tell myself this long enough, the truth of it will become part of me instead of a fleeting thought.

Thank you again for all the support...it means the world to me right now.

faithin

read the.... Orchid...please tell us how you babbled back!! ..... post

lots of good tips in there...

ark

Our family has had to deal with a "rager". Our son. He's doing GREAT now... but I'd like to share with you a technique that helped me deal with his rages without returning a volly of ugly words!

he'd RAGE .... "YOU blah blah blah"

I would concentrate on doing deep, slow yoga breaths .... and with every inhale I would say to myself in my mind... "In with grace" and slooooly breath in to my diaphragm.

and with every exhale I would think, "Out with tension." ... as I would verrrry slowly let out air.

Inhale I would also imagine warm golden air like the breath of God entering my body and flowing thoughout my veins... warmth and light.

During the exhale, I would imagine all the tension, terror, anger, fear blowing away from me in a frosty breath.

Practice this breathing throughout the day .... you can use this technique while the person RAGES in front of you unaware you are controlling your body's response and not becoming "infected" with his anger.

It's really easy, just takes practice.

And what to SAY to a raging WS????

"I understand you are angry and frightened." That's it. You don't need to try to talk him out of anything. You don't need to defend your position. You just UNDERSTAND he feels his way.

You can also say , "I am doing the best I can under the circumstances." .... That is a fact.

Pep