WARNING: There is very negative news included here.
First of all, since I posted earlier about some developments last night I'll tell you about those. We ended up having a very good conversation about one of his fears. He is afraid that if we do stay together he will be paying for it for years to come. So, we talked about that and I alleviated some of his fears in that regard. The conversation lasted quite a while and I we were able to talk from the heart. So, afterwards somehow the OW is brought up and he says, "You'd really like her if you ever met her. Which you probably will." UGH! It made me feel like we hadn't come any closer after all, but then decided he needed to bring her up to that way for him...not me.
Later, he went with D. to the store to get ice cream.... and came back about hour later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Well, D. tells me almost as soon as they come home that "Daddy was on the phone at the store and I was in the car." He left her there for about 15 minutes to call OW. Oh well. I didn't confront him about it even though he had earlier said he wasn't going to call her all day...just email her. Then, he comes in the house and says "You know, if I do end up staying I think we should get cable again." (we haven't had it for about 5 years) I said, "If you stay, you can have cable and as many channels as you want." Then he proceeds to tell me he saw this really nice plasma television that would look great above our fireplace and he wants to look into getting that too if he stays. So, I'm okay with that and thinking it's a good sign. Overall, I gave the day a positive rating and he was kinda sleeping close again last night too.
Fast forward to today...MC. This is the bad part. While at MC, WS wanted to talk about my idea about the girls going to Texas with him. That was a bit heated but the MC said that he thinks it's too early to make a decision anyway since WH hasn't listened to all of my concerns as to why that should happen. So, we talk about it awhile and agree to talk more later. Then, WH wants to talk about the best time to tell the kids about a D. We kind of discuss that and WH finally ackowledges that next year is a DORKY solution. We agree to tell them soon. Then MC says.... so I'm confused. Are you DEFINATELY getting a divorce.
I say "no". WS says "yes". At the same time. We look at each other and kind of giggle. Then WH says "I know that the divorce is what I want." I say, "I thought we were still leaving a 'glimmer of hope'". He says, "No. I want a divorce." MC looks at me and says, "He can't be much clearer than that."
I just sat there for a minute. And you know what. I'm done. Would I like to save my marriage. YES. Could I? Eventually, probably. But you know what?
HE IS NOT WORTH IT ANY MORE!! I could keep PLAN A going and a part of me feels like I am letting myself out easy. But I looked at him and thought....I'm done throwing you the line. Drown. I told the him and the counselor, "I am going to say this as plainly as I can. The door is shut. You know what I mean. It is closed, locked and sealed. Do not knock because no one's home for you anymore."
We went home in silence and when we got there we both walked in and he came to me after a few minutes and tried to say how sorry he is. Before he was done I just told him "I have no desire to hear it. This is exactly where you wanted me and it is where you have me. I don't want your apologies because I made this decision, 25 minutes ago, and you have nothing to apologize for. 30 minutes ago you did. Now, you don't. It's mine. My decision."
Then I told him he needed to get his things from MY room and MY bathroom. (I said it nicely, caps are for my benefit right now) Our younger daughter can sleep with me and he can have her room. We leave for Disneyland on Sunday and we'll all still go together but before today is done he needs to have a place to stay when we come back for the remaining three weeks.
Well, you'd have thought I shoved a poker up his a**. He jumps up and freaks out. I calmly told him that on Monday I told him that if we weren't at least looking at a possibility of something happening in our marriage that he would have to leave. My position has not changed. Just like his position has not changed on D. So, you need to find somewhere else to stay once we are back from Disneyland. He said no. I said I'll talk to my lawyer. YIKES. That damn poker again!!
He ran after me, slammed the door I was trying to walk out of, punched the door (and hurt his hand) and screamed that I will NOT make this ugly.
Calmly, I said I am not doing that. I need for you to leave though. Still, he says no. So, I broke down and said,
"I can not have you here anymore. I was willing to put aside my pride and wait this out for you. I was willing to work through another A and accept my place in our problems. I was willing to do ANYTHING to save this marriage. I AM NOT willing to live in the same house with you without some type of hope. I AM NOT going to live under the same roof with the person I spent the last ten years building a family with and with whom I built the dreams of the next 60 years. I WILL NOT. I could be that strong. But I won't. Not for you. Not anymore. You WILL leave and you WIL NOT give me a hard time about it. You, who are not willing to even to give your family a CHANCE to stay together or be man enough to stand up for it, will not dictate to me where you will stay. Have a place by tonight because you need to leave when we get back because I will not have you here with me."
Then he looks at me and says, "If you would have said it like that instead of insisting it would have been better".
My turn to have the poker!!
I said, "You will NEVER get this from me again. You will NEVER have a sliver of my heart or my feelings again. I refuse to give it to you EVER AGAIN. In the future, you'll need to figure out why I might say what I do because you will never see another tear or another frown. I won't explain my heart to you again."
So, then I went to get my keys. A few days ago I had printed out a letter, I forget from who, that was posted here. It was from the perspective of the WS. He was very eloquent and I thought that a little way down the road I would show it to WH. I grabbed that post, dropped it on WH lap and said, you should read this. And left.
It's been about two hours now and I do feel like I am doing the right thing. Right now...I am done with it. Maybe down the road this will be my PLAN B. Who knows. But I can't look at him and think he deserves us. I posted in another thread that this is not the first time he has had an A. Each time he has been deployed, (3 including this one) he has cheated. I'm just done now.
The next few days should be interesting and I am going to keep coming here. I love this place. While I could do PLAN A and was having fun with it, he's just not worth the effort anymore.
Once he is down there I am going to contact her chain of command. It's going to happen sooner than later now. I still have to do it in a way he won't lose his clearance, but I'm smart enough to figure that one out.
Have a wonderful day. I'm going out tonight!!
